Allan_and_Barbara_Pease_-_Body_Language_The_Definitive_Book

Language The Head Duck — trying to appear smaller in order not to cause offence to othersLintves of the opinions or attitudes of say anything, displacement gestures , apparently innocent body language ithheld opinion. Picking imaginary wn clothing is one such gesture. The down and away from others whiley minor, irrelevant action. This is a proval and is a good sign that he said, even when he sounds as if he's The Lint-Picker has a secret opinion and prefers not to state it , 'What do you think?' or, 'I can seeon this. Would you mind telling merms apart, palms visible, and wait for says he is in agreement with you but

The 13 Most Commcontinues to pick the imaginary lint,even more direct approach to discoveHow We Show We're ReadyTo appear bigger for fighting or cofluff their feathers, fish can expand tin water and cats or dogs make thehairless human, however, no longerto make himself look more imposiangry. When we describe a scary momy hair stand on end'; if we becomemade the hackles on my neck rise';with someone, they can give us 'goothe body's mechanical reactions to cattempt to make ourselves appear larerector pillae muscles on the skin, wnon-existent pelt stand up. Moderninvented a gesture to help them achieence - the Hands-on-Hips gesture. Elbows up and pointed sho to dominate; elbows in and head tiHands-on-Hips is used by the child aathlete waiting for his event to begin,

mon Gestures You'll See Daily , you may need to take an er his hidden objections. for Action ourting rituals, birds will their body size by sucking eir fur stand on end. The has a thick pelt to expand ing when he is fearful orovie we often say, 'It madee angry with someone, 'He and when we are smitten ose bumps'. All these arecircumstances in which we rger and are caused by thewhich attempt to make our n humans, however, haveeve a bigger physical pres- ows readiness ilted show submissionarguing with its parent, the , the boxer waiting for the 237

The Definitive Book of Body Labout to start and males whlenge to other males who enthe person takes the Handssal gesture used to commuassertive action. It lets the pthe threat value of the poipreventing others from apbeing half raised show readition taken by cowboys in awill send the intended messat the intended victim. It'spines and Malaysia it carranger or outrage. Also known as the 'readiready for assertive action,aggressive attitude everywhachiever stance, related toready to tackle their objectsomething. Men often usedisplay an assertive male at Hands-on-Hips make noticeable becauseIt's important to consider thimmediately preceding themake an accurate assessmexample, is the coat open ais it buttoned when the aggrReadiness shows frustrationback is directly aggressive bing their front in a displayfurther reinforced by placiground or by adding clench238

anguageho want to issue a non-verbal chal- nter their territory. In each instance -on-Hips pose and this is a univer- unicate that a person is ready for person take up more space and has inted elbows that act as weapons,pproaching or passing. The arms iness for attack and this is the posi- gunfight. Even one hand on the hip sage, particularly when it's pointed used everywhere and in the Philip- ries the even stronger message of iness' gesture, that is, the person is its basic meaning carries a subtly here. It has also been called the the goal-directed person who is tives or is ready to take action on e this gesture around women to ttitude. es you look bigger and more e you take up more space.he context and other body language Hands-on-Hips pose in order toment of the person's attitude. For and pushed back on to the hips, or ressive pose is taken? Closed-Coat- n, whereas coat open and pushedbecause the person is openly expos- y of fearlessness. This position is ing the feet evenly apart on thehed fists to the gesture cluster.

The 13 Most Comm Hands-on models to more appThese aggressive-readiness clustersmodels to give the impression thatmodern, assertive, forward-thinkinggesture may be done with only oneother displaying another gesture andwomen who want to draw attention tocluster with a pelvic tilt to emphasisewhich indicates fertility. Hands-on-Hboth men and women in courtship toselves.The Cowboy Stance Thumbs tucked into t the pockets, frames t display used mainly b aggressive attitude. gesture used in telev viewers the virility slinger. Also jokingly calle Thumbs gesture, the The cowboy stance - his fi at what he wants you to n

mon Gestures You'll See Dailyn-Hips used byo make clothingpealing are used by professional their clothing is for the woman. Occasionally the hand on the hip and the this is commonly used byo themselves by using thise their hips-to-waist ratio,Hips is regularly used byo draw attention to them-the belt or into the tops ofthe genital area and is aby men to show a sexually It is the most commonvision Westerns to show of their favourite gun-ed the Man-of-the-Long- arms take the readiness ingers pointnotice 239

The Definitive Book of Body Lposition and the hands servthe crotch. Men use this gshow other men that theygesture, but without a belt This gesture tells others,is why it's a regular for mena woman while he's standinone foot pointing towards hIt's one of the gestures thatas they unwittingly declareThis gesture is principallyjeans and trousers can occaswearing dresses or skirts, thone or both thumbs tuckedSizing Up the CompeThe next illustration showusing the characteristic Hagestures. Considering thataway from each other andappear relaxed, it's reasonasciously evaluating eachunlikely.240

Languageve as central indicators, highlightinggesture to stake their territory or toy are unafraid. Apes use the same or trousers. 'I am virile -1 can dominate' whichn on the prowl. Any man talking tong like this - with dilated pupils andher — is easily read by most women. gives the game away for most men, to her what's on their mind. The sexually assertive female used by men, but women wearing sionally be seen doing it too. Whenhe sexually assertive female displaysd into a belt or pocket.etitionws two men sizing each other up,ands-on-Hips and Tbumbs-in-Belt they are both turned at an angled the lower halves of their bodiesable to assume that they are uncon- other and that confrontation is

The 13 Most CommoTheir conversation may sound casualatmosphere won't exist until their Handropped and open gestures or head ti If these two men were directly facifeet planted firmly on the ground andbe likely.Even though Adolf Hitler used the Htry to appear authoritative for publiccould not stop his left hand fromattempting to cover his solitary testicl

on Gestures You'll See Daily Sizing up the competition or friendly but a relaxed nds-on-Hips gestures are ilting are used. ing each other with theird legs apart, a fight could Gesture clusters show aggressive attitudesHands-on-Hips gesture to city photographs he still crossing his body and le. 241

The Definitive Book of Body LThe Legs-SpreadThis is almost entirely a maapes who are trying to esRather than risk injury fighone with the biggest displayso it is with male humanunconsciously, it sends a pothe Legs-Spread the othersbut it has very negative effewomen, especially in a bumirror it. A woman will fe who uses the Legs-SOur videotaped meetings recrossing their legs and armsthe defensive. The advice fortogether in business meetingstantly confronted by a crwhen he does it. It can wor242

Language Contradictory signals: his right arm shows pointed aggression while his left hand attempts to protect his front ale gesture and is also seen amongstablish authority over other apes.hting, they spread their legs and they is seen as the most dominant. Andns; even though it's usually done owerful message. If one man doess usually mirror to maintain statusects when a man uses it in front ofusiness context, because she can'teel intimidated by a manSpread in business situations.eveal that many women respond bys, which immediately puts them onr men here is clear — keep your legs gs. If you're a woman who is con-rotch-displaying male, don't reactrk against you only if you respond

The 13 Most Commdefensively. Instead, try talking to hisas 'You've got a good point there, Byou're coming from' can teach a vacausing riotous laughter when used aLeg-Over-the-Arm-of-ChairThis is mainly done by men becausSpread. It not only signifies the man'it also signals that he has an informal Inf andIt is common to see two male friendseach other while sitting this way, but ldifferent circumstances. Let's say anproblem and goes to ask his boss forexplains, he leans forward in the chairhis head down, with a dejected expreThe boss listens, sitting motionless, thand puts one leg over the arm. Thechanged to lack of concern or indifferhas little concern for the employee oreven feel that his time is being wasted So what was the boss indifferent aboered the employee's problem, decidedproblem anyway and become disintereemployee not to worry and that the pro

mon Gestures You'll See Daily crotch — responses suchBob' and 'I can see where aluable lesson as well asat the right time. se it also uses the Legs- s ownership of the chair, l, aggressive attitude. formality, indifference d lack of concern laughing and joking with let's consider its impact in employee has a personal advice. As the employee r, his hands on his knees, ession and voice lowered.hen leans back in his chaire boss's attitude has now rence. In other words, he r his problem and he may with the 'same old story'. out? He may have consid- d that it's not much of aested. He may even tell hisoblem will simply go away 243

The Definitive Book of Body LaAs long as the boss's leg stayferent attitude will persist. Wthe boss breathes a sigh ofheavens he's gone!' and take The Leg-Over-the-Arm-ooccurs during negotiation,change position because thewill have an indifferent or ado this is to ask him to leanif you have a wicked sense ohis trousers.Straddling a ChairCenturies ago, men used shispears and clubs of the enewhatever he has at his dispotive behaviour when he is unincludes standing behind aopen door of his motor vehThe back of the chair acts acan transform a person intoality. Men also have their legadding male assertion to tdominant types who will trthey become bored with the244

anguageys over the arm of the chair, his indif-When the employee leaves the office,f relief and says to himself, 'Thankes his leg off the arm of the chair.of-Chair can be annoying when it and it is vital to make that persone longer he stays in it, the longer heaggressive attitude. An easy way ton across and look at something, or,of humour, tell him there's a split inields to protect themselves from theemy, and today, civilised man usesosal to symbolise this same protec-nder physical or verbal attack. This gate, doorway, fence, desk or thehicle and straddling a chair. The Straddler wants to dominate or control while, at the same time, protecting his frontas a shield to protect the body ando an aggressive, dominant person-gs spread in a wide Crotch Display,the position. Most Straddlers arery to take control of others whene conversation, and the back of the

The 13 Most Comm chair serves as good protection fro members of the group. The Straddler slip into the straddle position almost The easiest way to disarm the Strabehind him, making him feel vulnerahim to change his position. This canuation because the Straddler will hathis compels him to change to anoth So what would you do with a Straddpointless to try to reason with a cromerry-go-round, so the best defence isconversation standing up and looking dmove into his Personal Space. This iscan even fall backwards off his chair in Next time you have a Straddler comto seat him on a fixed chair that hastaking his favourite position. When henext move is to use the Catapult.The CatapultThis is a seated version of the Hands-hands are behind the head withpointed out. Again, it's almost entirelintimidate others or it infers a relaxeda false sense of security just before he

mon Gestures You'll See Dailyom any 'attack' by other r is often discreet and can t unnoticed.addler is to stand up or sit able to attack and forcing work well in a group sit-ave his back exposed andher position. dler on a swivel chair? It isotch-displaying man on a non-verbal. Conduct yourdown on the Straddler, and unnerving for him and hen an attempt to move away. ming to visit you, be sure s arms to stop him from e can't straddle, his usual -on-Hips pose except the the elbows menacingly ly a male gesture used tod attitude to lull you intoe ambushes you. The Catapult: cool, confident, knows it all and thinks he has more bananas than anyone 245

The Definitive Book of Body LaThis gesture is typical of plawyers, sales managers ordominant or confident abouperson's mind, he would bethe answers', or 'Everythingone day you'll be as smart aularly use it and newly apbegin to use it, despite theto their promotion. It is alsoand it intimidates most peomen who like you to realiseIt can also be used as a terrihas staked a claim to that p It is usually clustered wCrotch Display, which showhe's also likely to argue orways you can deal with thisstances. You can lean forwarthat you know about this. Wsit back and wait for an ans Women quickly dev use the CatapulYou could place something jyou seen this?', forcing himcopying the gesture can bepulter because mirroring crfor a woman however, becaleaving her at a disadvantaattempt the Catapult are deand women. The Catapu women, even246

anguage professionals such as accountants r people who are feeling superior ut something. If we could read this e saying things such as, 'I have all g's under control', or even 'Maybeas me'. Management personnel reg- ppointed male managers suddenly fact that they seldom used it prior o used by 'Know-It-All' individuals ople. It's the trademark gesture ofe just how knowledgeable they are. itorial sign to show that the personparticular area.with a Figure-Four leg position or ws that he not only feels superior, try to dominate. There are several gesture, depending on the circum- rd with palms up and say, 'I can seeWould you care to comment?' then swer. velop a dislike for men who lt in business meetings. just out of his reach and ask, 'Have to lean forward. If you are a man, a simple way to handle the Cata- reates equality. This doesn't work ause it puts her breasts on display,age. Even flat-chested women who escribed as aggressive by both men ult doesn't work for n flat-chested ones.

The 13 Most CommIf you are a woman and a man does tsation standing up. This forces thposition so he can continue the convthe Catapult, sit down again. If he cThis is a non-aggressive way of trainintimidate you. On the other hand, ifapult is your superior and is repriintimidate him by copying this gesequals will use the Catapult in eachequality and agreement, but if a miscit would infuriate the school principa In one insurance company, we founsales managers used the Catapult regpeople or subordinates but rarely isuperiors. When they were with theirsame managers were more likely to udinate gesture clusters.Gestures That Show When aOne of the most valuable gestures arecognise is seated readiness. When yposal, for example, if the other pegesture at the end of the presentationgone well up to that point, you coulwould be likely to get it. The classi showing r action

mon Gestures You'll See Daily this, continue the conver-he Catapulter to changeversation. When he stopscatapults again, stand up. ning others not to try to the person using the Cat- imanding you, you will sture. For example, two other's presence to showchievous schoolboy did it,al. nd that 27 out of 30 malegularly around their sales- in the presence of their r superiors, however, theuse submissive and subor- Person is Readya negotiator can learn to you are presenting a pro- erson were to take this n, and the interview had ld ask for agreement and ic position readiness for 247

The Definitive Book of Body LaOur video replays of salesperevealed that, whenever thea Chin-Stroke (decision-maproposal more than half thclose of the sale the clientimmediately after the Chinmade. The Seated Readinesangry person who is readyout. The preceding gestureintentions.The Starter's PositionReadiness gestures that signinclude leaning forward wileaning forward with both hwere at the start of a race.conversation it would be wresell, change direction or t On your marks, get readiness to end an248

anguage eople interviewing potential buyers Seated Readiness gesture followed aking), the client said 'yes' to thehe time. In contrast, if during the t took the Arms-Crossed positionn-Stroke, the sale was usually notss gesture can also be taken by the for something else - to throw youe clusters indicate the person's realnnal a desire to conclude a meetingith both hands on both knees, orhands gripping the chair as if they. If either of these occur during awise for you to take the lead andterminate the conversation. t set: in the starting blocks - encounter or a conversation

The 13 Most CommoSummaryThe body language signals covered ieasy to observe because most involveit important to understand the signiit's vital to good communication thattive gestures from your own repertoirthings that will give you positive resul

on Gestures You'll See Dailyin this chapter are fairly big gestures. Not only isificance of these signals,t you eliminate any nega-re and practise using thelts. 249

C MIRRORIN BUILD They all look the same, dress t and body language but eac When we meet others fo quickly whether they are p as most other animals do scanning the other persongesture the same way weWe mirror each other's bobeing accepted and creatinious to the fact that we arewas also a social device wcessfully with larger grouprimitive method of learni One of the most noticeaone person starts and itfound that yawning is so coanother person yawn - thenough to do it. It was o250

Chapter 12NG - HOW WED RAPPORT he same way, use the same facial expressions ch will tell you he's 'doing his own thing'or the first time, we need to assess positive or negative towards us, just for survival reasons. We do this byn's body to see if they will move or do in what is known as 'mirroring'. ody language as a way of bonding,ng rapport, but we are usually obliv- doing it. In ancient times, mirroringwhich helped our ancestors fit in suc- ups; it is also a left-over from a ing which involved imitation.able forms of mirroring is yawning - sets everyone off. Robert Provine ontagious you don't even need to seehe sight of a wide-open mouth is once thought that the purpose of

Mirroyawning was to oxygenate the bodya form of mirroring that serves toand to avoid aggression — just as itchimps. Wearing the same outfit a is a mirroring no-no. But if at a party wearing the s could become lifeloNon-verbally, mirroring says 'LookI feel the same way and share the speople at a rock concert will all jumsimultaneously or give a 'Mexicanchronicity of the crowd promoteparticipants. Similarly, people inaggressive attitudes and this explaipeople can lose their cool in this si The urge to mirror is also the basIn a queue, people willingly co-openever met and will never seeagain, obeying an unwrittenset of behavioural rules whilewaiting for a bus, at an artgallery, in a bank or side byside in war. Professor JosephHeinrich from the Universityof Michigan found that theurges to mirror others arehardwired into the brainbecause co-operation leads tomore food, better health andLearning to mirror our parentsbegins early: Prince Philip and ayoung Prince Charles in perfect step

oring - How We Build Rapporty but we now know that it's create rapport with otherst also does for monkeys andas another womanf two men show upsame outfit, theyong friends. at me; I'm the same as you.same attitudes.' This is whymp to their feet and applaudn Wave' together. The syn-es a secure feeling in the an angry mob will mirrorins why many usually calmituation.sis on which a queue works.erate with people they have 251

The Definitive Book of Bodyeconomic growth for comtion as to why societmirroring, such as the Bsuccessfully dominated th Mirroring makes otherapport-building tool thathat it even extends to seyebrow-raising and evenas these micro-gestures cCreating the RightStudies into synchronouspeople who feel similar emand are likely to be expematch each other's bodysync' to bond with anothwhen our body functions amother, so mirroring is a s When a couple are icommon to see them bealmost as if they are datakes a mouthful of foomouth; or he begins a sWhen she gets PMT, he dand when she feels bloate When a person says 'tright' around another peto mirroring and synchrrestaurant, one person cfor fear of being out of syordering the meal, eachordering. 'What are you htheir meals. This is oneground music during a dcouple to beat and tap in252

y Language mmunities. It also offers an explana- ties that are highly disciplined inBritish, Germans and ancient Romans he world for many years.ers feel 'at ease'. It's such a powerful at slow-motion video research revealssimultaneous blinking, nostril-flaring, n pupil dilation, which is remarkable cannot be consciously imitated. Vibes s body language behaviour show thatmotions, or are on the same wavelengtheriencing a rapport, will also begin toy language and expressions. Being 'in her person begins early in the womb and heartbeat match the rhythm of our state to which we are naturally inclined. in the early stages of courtship it's ehave with synchronous movements,ancing. For example, when a womanod the man wipes the corner of his sentence and she finishes it for him. develops a strong desire for chocolate; ed, he farts. the vibes are right' or that they 'feelerson, they are unknowingly referring ronous behaviour. For example, at acan be reluctant to eat or drink alone ync with the others. When it comes toh may check with the others before having?' they ask as they try to mirror e of the reasons why playing back-date is so effective — the music gets an time together.

Mirr Mirroring the other person's body shows a united front and doesn't let eMirroring on a Cellular LevAmerican heart surgeon, Dr Meremarkable findings from heart recwith most other body organs, thelular memories, and this allows sosome of the emotions experiencedmore remarkably, he found somesame gestures and posture of the dnever seen the donor. His conclusithe heart cells instruct the recipiedonor's body language. Converselyorders such as autism have no abibehaviour of others, which makes imunication with others. The samwhose gestures are out of sync wimpossible for any mirroring to occ Because of the phenomenon ofintentionally assume certain body lbegin to experience the emotionstures. For example, if you f

roring - How We Build Rapport language and appearance either get one-up on the other vel emhet Oz, reported some cipients. He found that, as heart appears to retain cel-some patients to experience d by the heart donor. Even recipients also assume thedonor even though they have ion was that it appears that ent's brains to take on they, people suffering from dis- ility to mirror or match the it difficult for two-way com-me goes for drunk peoplewith their words, making it cur. f cause and effect, if you language positions you will associated with those ges- feel confident, you may 253

The Definitive Book of Body Lunconsciously assume thedence, but if you intentionto feel more confident, othdent. This, then, becomeswith others by intentionallyposture.Mirroring DifferencesWomenGeoffrey Beattie, at the Una woman is instinctivelyanother woman than a manfound that women mirrorare reluctant to mirror a whe is in courtship mode. When a woman says shagree with the group opinagreement. She's picked upout of sync with group opinagreement by not mirrorinwomen can 'see' disagreemalways been a source of ammost men's brains are simfine detail of others' bodnotice mirroring discrepan As we said in our bookCan't Read Maps (Orion),grammed differently toexpressions and body languaverage of six main facial eperiod to reflect and thenHer face will mirror thespeaker. To someone watcbeing discussed are happen A woman reads the mea254

Language Steeple gesture to reflect your confi-nally Steeple you will not only beginhers will perceive that you're confi- a powerful way to create a rapport y matching their body language and s Between Men and niversity of Manchester, found that four times more likely to mirror n is to mirror another man. He also men's body language too, but menwoman's gestures or posture - unless he can 'see' that someone doesn'tnion she is actually 'seeing' the dis- p that someone's body language is nion and they are showing their dis-ng the group's body language. Howment, anger, lying or feeling hurt hasmazement to most men. It's becausemply not well equipped to read thedy language and don't consciouslyncies.k Why Men Don't Listen & Women , men and women's brains are pro- express emotions through facialuage. Typically, a woman can use anexpressions in a ten-second listening feed back the speaker's emotions. emotions being expressed by the ching, it can look as if the eventsning to both women.aning of what is being said through

Mirrorthe speaker's voice tone and his emhis body language. This is exactly wcapture a woman's attention and to ktening. Most men are daunted by thfeedback while listening, but it payswho becomes good at it. Some men say 'She'll think I'mwith these techniques shows thatwoman's facial expressions as she taas caring, intelligent, interesting and Men, on the other hand, can makfacial expressions a woman can mexpressionless faces, especially in putionary need to withhold emotion tofrom strangers and to appear to betions. This is why most men look athey listen. The emotionless mask that men wthem to feel in control of the situatiodon't experience emotions. Brain sfeel emotion as strongly as women,licly.What to Do About It if YouThe key to mirroring a man's behathat he doesn't use his face to signalbody. Most women find it difficult toman but with males this is not requimeans that you need to reduce youryou don't come across as overwhelmimportantly, don't mirror what youThat can be disastrous if you've gotdescribed as 'dizzy' or 'scatterbraiwho listen with a more serious facemore intelligent, astute and sensible

ring — How We Build Rapportmotional condition through what a man needs to do to keep her interested and lis- he prospect of using facial big dividends for the man effeminate!', but research when a man mirrors a alks she will describe him d attractive.ke fewer than a third of the make. Men usually holdublic, because of the evolu- o stave off possible attack e in control of their emo- as if they are statues when wear while listening allows on, but does not mean men scans reveal that men can but avoid showing it pub-u're Female aviour is in understanding l his attitudes - he uses his o mirror an expressionless ired. If you're a woman, it r facial expressions so thatming or intimidating. Most think he might be feeling. t it wrong and you may be ined'. Women in business e are described by men ase. 255

The Definitive Book of Body When Men and Wom When two people live toge working relationship, they because they are constan expressions, which, over ti same areas of the face. Ev similar can appear similar the same smile. The Beckhams don't look a all alike until they smileIn 2000, psychologist Dr JoWashington, Seattle, and hriages are more likely to fanot mirror the other's exprshows expressions of conteiour affects the smiling pconsciously aware of what iDo We Resemble OurYou can also see mirroring ocWithout realising it, we unc256

Languagemen Start to Look Alikeether for a long time and have a goody often begin to look alike. This is ntly mirroring each other's facial ime, builds muscle definition in theven couples who don't look faciallyr in a photograph because they use at Forty years of mirroring - the Beckhams at retirement with their dog, Spot ohn Gottman of the University ofhis colleagues, discovered that mar-ail when one partner not only does ressions of happiness, but insteadempt. Instead, this opposite behav-partner, even when they are notis happening.r Pets?ccur in the pets some people choose.consciously tend to favour pets that

Mirroriphysically resemble us, or that appear To demonstrate the point, here are Do we choose pets that reMonkey See, Monkey DoThe next time you attend a social fwhere people meet and interact, notiwho have taken the identical gestuperson with whom they're talking. M

ing - How We Build Rapportr to reflect our attitudes.e a few examples:esemble us?function or go to a placeice the number of peopleures and posture of theMirroring is the way one 257

The Definitive Book of Body L person tells another that he attitudes. One is non-verba see, I think the same as y status often makes the first in pecking order. Take, for example, the two above illustration. They arassume that they are discusimilar thoughts and feelinggesture or stands on the othputs a hand in his pocket,will continue for as long as Even when Presidents Bush an usually mirror each other - t258

Languagee is in agreement with his ideas andally saying to the other, 'As you can you.' The person with the highest moves and the others copy, usually Thinking alike o men standing at the bar in there mirroring so it's reasonable toussing a topic on which they have gs. If one man uses an evaluation her foot, the other will copy. One the other copies again. Mirroring the two are in agreement. nd Chirac disagree verbally, they still this shows they have mutual respect