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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Confessions-of-a-Clutterphile.htmlConfessions of a ClutterphileNov 8, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyI thought of going on one of those “Hoarding” reality shows, except they’d make me throw out my stuff. And my stuff is important.I admit it. My “design” preference is “clutter.” I have the only apartment with “Detour” signs to insure that anyone entering, should he/she actually move, won’t trip and break something (a bone, or my “stuff”). I thought of going on one of those “Hoarding” reality shows, except they’d make me throw out my stuff. And my “stuff,” unlike “their” stuff is important.I have the only apartment with “Detour” signs.We’re not talking here about 4,000 broken light bulbs, 30 bat wings, or turning aluminum foil into the Unisphere. No. My stuff is valuable. They’re collections.When people stared at my “stuff” incredulously, I’d say: “We’re writers,” figuring that would give me carte blanche on clutter. I have jotted down critical ideas on gum wrappers, matchbook covers and return envelopes (from the IRS and mortgage company). Then there are five hard copies of everything I wrote, published, might publish, the notes, research. Ten years of Yellow Pages, newspapers, and catalogs from defunct publishers have held a place of honor at the head of the table.I’ve often wondered where this came from. After all, mom was the queen of the Balabustas, or as liked to call her, The “Lysol Lady.” She wasn’t just tidy. The defense department could enlist her to maintain a “clean room” that would disarm nuclear reactors and render the free world safe from explosion-by-clutter. No speck of shmutz had the temerity, let alone the death wish, to enter her orbit.

Maybe this is why I rebelled against whatever balabusta gene made it to Ellis Island.Some time ago, instead of counting my day’s calorie intake to put me to sleep, I tried counting how rich I’d be today had we not been “clutter free.”-How Rich I’d Be If Mama Wasn’t a Balabusta …1- My Tiny Tears Doll: Water leaked from her, top and bottom, but unlike Betsy-Wetsy, I was sure she was Jewish as her head was adorned with tight curls, just like mine. My very own lantsdoll! The second I got bored making her wee wee, she was gone gone. Price Then: a few dollars.Price Now $600!? 2- My Original Barbie. For one Birthday, I received a first-run Barbie, complete with striped bathing suit and those little see-through high heels. This was no modern Barbie. This was gezunta Barbie, crafted from plastic by Goodyear, with lifelike blond hair not that glossy –chazzerai with root holes you see today. And then I got …3- My Original Ken. After all, Barbie had to make a shidduch and be a balabusta. Once I started dating and The Adventures of Barbie and Ken [Cohen] lost their luster? Gone. Price Then: a few dollars.Price Now? $8,000 for Barbie, and I figure $5,000 for Ken.4- Comics. Mom let me buy a few each week in the candy store that smelled from egg creams, vinyl, sawdust, and paper. “Superman,” “Archie,” “Betty & Veronica,” “Little Lulu,” “Little Dot,” “Richie Rich,” “Nancy,” and “Little Lotta” were my favorites. I adored the underdog Betty, totally identified with the zaftig Lotta, and wondered if everyone in Metropolis had cataracts. Mom followed me around with a garbage bag. After three readings, Archie was sent by garbage scow back to Riverdale. Price Then: 15-25 cents.Price Now? $5 and up for each! Hmmmm … that would be a total of $5,000!5- Howdy Doody: “What time is it kids?!” It’s Tchotchke Time! Every weekday, millions of kids and I tuned in to see the freckle-faced cowpoke. I had: a Howdy apple bag, a Howdy twin- pop bag, the lunch box, cookie jar, book bag, circus truck, puppets, and dolls. Price Then: a few bucks each.Price Now? $5,000 and up!

6- Winky Dink Kit: Now this was a clever “interactive” TV gimmick. We kids were asked to draw on a magic screen over the TV using Magic Crayons. Mom finally caved when I tried it without the screen using Magic Markers. Price Then: 50 cents.Price Now? A lot!And then there was my Easy Bake Oven (that never touched treif), my Slinky, Colorforms, and all those View Master reels!According to my calculations, “balabusta ism” cost me the life of a low--rent heiress.So, when our son was born, I made up my mind to toss not-one-single-thing; of his, of mine, of ours! Yes! We’ve been taken over by dusty He-Man figures, corroded Master of the Universe lunch boxes, “best” toddler clothes (he outgrew before he could wear them), dusty Mad Magazines circa 1985, Smurfs without heads, old comics, and everything my son ever made, including the Menorah that resembles a banana from Day School. But it doesn’t stop there. We have every newspaper from “Moon Landing!” to “Nixon Resigns!” out of date passports, ties (wide, thin, paisley), clothes from 1980 in one-size-fits-no one, dog-eared magazines from 1972, non-working Polaroid Swingers, and that’s just for starters.Like “The Birdman of Alcatraz” I have a “nom du nuts.” People come from far and wide to me, “The Collector,” when they need – anything.“Marn, I’m going to a 1950s Thing. Do you have a pink tie and spats?” “No problem. I have a collection.”“How about a Nixon mask?”“Naturally. I also have a Dukakis in my collection. “Eisenhower buttons?”“Take your pick! I also have “The Three Stooges” and 25 that say: “Talk to my Agent.”And so this is our legacy. When I get daily mail from “Atlas Insurance” that assures me for 10 cents a day my son can afford to bury me, this I toss.Better than insurance, we will leave our son precious memories. And more, stuff he can treasure, hand down and maybe make a killing should someone be in the market for a chunk of the Berlin Wall, brochures from the French Revolution, slightly broken metal Beefeaters and other shmutzik relics. All he has to do is look under the piles of mags, soy packets, tie-ups, buttons, Obi Kenobi action figures and one day I hope he’ll say: “Even though we couldn’t sit, walk, or lie down, my mom sacrificed to make me heir to her clutter collections!”

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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Confessions-of-a-Jewish-Bargain-Hunter.htmlConfessions of a Jewish Bargain HunterJun 30, 2019by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFive things you should never get because it’s a bargain.SCENE: A JEWISH BHA (BARGAIN HUNTERS ANONYMOUS)ME: “ I sit before you. My name is Marnie and I’m a … Problem Bargain Hunter (APPLAUSE, ‘HELLO MARNIES’). My Bargain Hunting has not only cost me, my family and my friends deep anguish, but frequent trips to Emergency Rooms have been involved. I need help.”I could use my religion as my excuse, citing the 3000 years of a mutant sub-strain of DNA known as dTr (Don’t touch retail). I won’t. I personally know at least a half dozen MOTs who buy from real stores instead of through Tanta’s cousin’s wife’s brother who wholesales stuff.No. I must claim my own addiction to Bad Bargains. Step 12 in BHA is to share with others (actually Step 1-12) so you won’t make the same rotten choices and can live a life free from deal disasters.Today, I present you with my personal list of five things you should never get because it’s abargain.BAD BARGAINS1. MATTRESSES: After moving last year, I needed a bed. To be “thrifty” I bought a blow-up. Every morning it went splat. Every night I clicked a little doodad to unsplat it. After two months the mattress started “splatting” three times a night, with me rolling off it into a glass book case. Despite being “thingy”- challenged, I deduced there was a hole in it. The Mattress ‘R Us outlet refused to exchange it even though I bought it a few months ago and argued that an unimpeachable source (Google), told me the average “mattress life’ is seven to 10 -years! … Then they mentioned the Coca-Cola and Rustic Red hair dye stains. I was forced to

buy a “real” mattress from them -- for only $200 dollars. When I schlepped it out of box the Instruction Sheet started with: “THIS MATTRESS KNOWS KUNG FU. KEEP SMALL PEOPLE AWAY FROM ITS KICK RADIUS.” I’m 5’1. I called the outlet. The customer service person in Afghanistan told me my new mattress has been under stress during delivery and I should let it “relax” first. Apparently, my “bargain” mattress has anxiety issues.2. ANYTHING THAT SAYS “RE FURBISHED”: -This includes ink cartridges and perfume. As a writer, I eat up ink cartridges faster than a pit bull can gobble bologna in a Hebrew National factory. At $35 a pop, this can be pricy. Then I found a place that sells “refurbished” stuff. For ten bucks I could have a duo of black and color. True, they’re “unbranded.” True, they’re unsealed. Also true, I learned they have a shelf life of 2 ½ pages, assuming they fit into “my” printer which their warranty guarantees “MAYBE.” I had no idea what “re furbished” perfume -is except when I ordered “refurbished” Chanel No. 5, I got a half ounce bottle of “Chanel No. 5 … and 32.”3.MOVING PEOPLE OFF OF “PLAGUES LIST.” Did I mention I moved last year? As we all know, for people over 50, “moving” has edged out “heart attack” as a major cause of death. My risk is higher as I was a finalist in the auditions for “Hoarders.” I have 10 thousand books, 350 broken unsorted boxes marked “URGENT TO DO: 2006” and “antique” furniture with parts that wobble and fall off if, say, you put an antique thimble on them. “Moving” on, I googled “Plagues List” and sorted by price low to high which is how I hired Metzia Movers and ––Wreckers. Three rooms for $750 including boxing, shlepping, and unboxing which is how I –met the Moe, Larry and Curly brothers. Here’s a teensy sampling of what happened:The first thing Moe did was ask for a drink Stolichnaya. He then wobbled into my wobbly –antiques, breaking all their little legs. The first thing Larry did was turn the loading ramp the wrong way. The contents of my “URGENT TO DO: 2006” boxes flew from their cartons into which I learned, Curly had also tossed my bubbe’s crystal that survived the czar in 1924.Unfortunately, they didn’t survive Metzia. In fact, nothing survived Metzia as the Three Stooges danced with joy among the wreckage. I’m still looking for my rare piece of the Berlin Wall encased in a Pyramid. If any of you see a pyramid with a rock in it on Plagues List, please forward the link (and I’ll send you a vintage bottle of the Cel-Ray I got at a church flea market).4. E-BAY AUCTIONS: While many of these are terrific, caution! The addiction is quick and can take over your life after winning your first pair of Tory Burch ballet flats for only 26 dollars –“used.” Those of us afflicted make up a subset of BHA.Warning signs that you’re hooked:

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.1. Bidding on duplicates of the same stuff. I now have 10 pairs of used designer ballet flats size 7-12 and I can’t foxtrot.2. Bidding on weird colors. I thought my ballet flats were black. They were black in the picture. My ballet flats are puce. I don’t know what “puce” is. I do know I have nothing in “puce.” I missed the waiver “black or what’s in stock.” Puce was in stock. 3. Bidding without looking at shipping. My Isaac Mizrahi blouse, which I snatched up against a vilda chaya for 21 dollars, came from Latvia. I neglected to check the cost of shipping a T-shirt from Latvia to Las Vegas. It was $147 for “regular” six-month delivery. 4.Bidding on foreign sizes: My bargain designer pajamas in “47 ½ Khartoum,” which according to the size chart should be a 6 American, could fit an antelope with a glandular problem. 5.COSMETIC TOUCH-UPS: A face is nothing to fool around with. I recently had one of “those” birthdays. While I’m not meshugge about looks, when the bags under my eyes resembled dirigibles, and products like “Magic Erase” just made them white, I thought, why not? I Googled coupons for a deal to deflate. I went in for what I thought was a consultation. I emerged an hour later after the bargain procedure we negotiated (which included no anesthetic). If you heard odd screaming three weeks ago, that was me. They burned my bags with enough chemicals to wipe out Syria. Flash forward to a day later: My head was the size of a mutant melon. My eyes and mouth were slits. Tumors started forming. I had become the Elephant Woman. Would I die, like John Merrick, in my sleep from the weight of my head? When the burning flesh reached my clavicle, it occurred to me this was probably not normal. The E.R. people were very empathetic (unlike my friend who drove me while singing “Told you so!”) They shot me full of steroids. Now, three weeks later, I still look like a victim of a nuclear blast. The moral? DO NOT GET A SURGICAL PROCEDURE BY COUPON. GO RETAIL to a person who took a course in Eye bag Burning.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Confessions-of-a-Jewish-Food-Hoarder.htmlConfessions of a Jewish Food HoarderMar 9, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyI hope living a life trying to do mitzvahs whites out hoarding a few soy sauce packets.I think I’m a reasonably nice, decent human being. True, I have a few quirks, for example, accidentally setting my “Jewfro” on fire a lot, getting shingles when in the presence of a scale, and assuming a toe blister could be cancer.But, overall, I follow the commandments as best I can, give to charity, help my friends, say please and thank you, floss and ingest a tub of fiber daily.However, there’s one huge blip that no doubt will be a blot my permanent record card when I get (hopefully) “up there.”Not only am a hopeless hoarder, I I’m a secret sneaker.Food. Not only am I a hopeless hoarder, I’m a secret sneaker (I’m not talking Adidas).Not my fault. I no doubt inherited it from my Polish bubbe, who, till her dying day, carried around, not apurse, but a “setchel” in which she stuffed enough food to support a family of five, should Cossacks accost Jewish cars on the Long Island Expressway.And of course, all that talk of bomb shelters in the 1960s didn’t help an already meshugge maidel. To this day, instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, I count food. I drift off with –thoughts of how many meals I could make for my sequestered loved ones while waiting for the radiation to evaporate.I admit this peculiarity has been the cause of some embarrassment (for those around me). So, I decided it was time to finally get this off my guilty chest by telling those I trust -- you, my dear readers. So here it is. Have rachmones.First … there’s the take out buffets. I live in Las Vegas, “Buffet City.” Like Miami, we have “early bird” prices – all you can eat for $5.00 (if you don’t mind eating lunch at 9 a.m. and dinner at three). You can also take out. They give you a cheesy carton with three compartments that are

no doubt designed by Styrofoam engineers in Tai Wan to hold one broccoli floret, a spoonful of rice, and two skinny chicken pieces.Despite barely passing geometry, I’ve somehow created a new Law of Physics that would scare Newton. Here it is: “The contents of a chintzy carton can exceed its capacity by five pounds if food is layered by a slightly meshugge Jewish woman with a strong rubber band.” I’ve actually mastered shoving in five meals by the principle of “careful placement” – rice on bottom, piling up the meat or fish, filling the corners with veggies. If you need proof, it’s on my bathroom scale.You know where my disorder has gotten inflamed most? Hollywood. Agents’ parties and green rooms are like hitting three cherries on a one-armed bandit. It started when I was invited to a major macher agent’s holiday party. Tables were laden with food for the taking. So, I took … and took. True, he wasn’t my agent, and frankly, I didn’t like him. But … no excuses, I’ve vowed to come clean.Hey, did I see a sign that said: “No take out” (I looked)? So I “took out” – a little. In my purse. I’d bring home say, a brownie or two, some candy, or a small piece of brisket for my son. In fairness, I always waited till the end to make sure the 1,000 wealthy people were duly fed. But, if there was something that had dried out, why should it be thrown away, right? Writers are always hungry, so my circle of pals challenged me: Could I get a slightly ripe three foot cheese wheel in my evening bag? (I did ask a waiter who was fine with it, and was duly punished with a bag that is still so farshtunken it’s flattened three purse snatchers.)TV shows have green rooms for waiting guests. Now, here you’re supposed to fill up. However, geography counts. On the East Coast, the green rooms are filled with ganza deli, subs, and sides. As I get a little nauseous before a show and don’t want shmutz on me in front of millions, in New York I take my portion “for later” after asking permission. On the West Coast, as everyone’s on a health kick and weighs 80 pounds, the “spread” is carrot sticks and rice cakes. In Los Angeles, the fare makes me nauseous, so I don’t care. (Even I won’t stoop to stuffing cardboard food.)Do I even need to mention doggie bags (“Darling, you’ll throw in a little bread with that?”), or the fact that in my own lifetime, I’ll never have to buy: Sweet’N Low, soy sauce, straws, ketchup, or mustard, or that you can have a nice lunch at Costco, “tasting?”So, should you and I share this peculiar strand of DNA … by all means give back. A lady on the express line is short 25 cents? Pay it! A senior citizen is shlepping groceries? Open her trunk!A driver is farshimmelt and needs to cut in fast? Let him! One size-fits-no-one clothes? Donate.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.The way I figure it, the Man upstairs keeps an accounting, and please God, according to His math, living a life trying to do mitzvahs should white out hoarding a few soy sauce packets –even if they’re enough to blanket Beijing.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Crash_Course_in_Texting_for_Parents.htmlCrash Course in Texting for ParentsJul 14, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyDid your parents ever speak another language so you wouldn’t understand? Well it’s happening again, but this time, your kids are the culprits.When we Boomer Jewish Parents (BJPs) were young we generally spoke the same language as our parents. Of course they had the upper hand when switching to Yiddish when necessary, saying: “Sha … not in front of the kinder.”What raw power they had to talk about “Sha” things.Well, in two generations our kinder have turned the proverbial tables. And we still don’t understand, which gives credence to the saying: “Grandparents and grandchildren adore each other because they’ve got a common enemy: us.”Our children are using mysterious gizmos so tiny, we can’t even see, never mind understand them. Remember when a phone was a phone? We said, “I need a phone.” The salesperson said: “Wall or table and what color?” Boom. Done.PIR Parents in room; POS – -- Parents over Shoulder; P911 – Parent alert.Then, my son took me to one of those stores. The ones with the iPods, iPads, Palm pilots, Blackberries, and apps. And with magazines with headlines proclaiming: “Apple releases iAd Producer 2.1 withthird-gen iPad while investigating third-gen iPadWi-Fi issues.” That makes sense.Using these evil devices our children are now talking “sha” things they don’t want us to know, making plans, telling jokes and exploding in –their code. It’s called “texting.”Lesson 1: “Theirs” –The P’sHere are a few text codes we JBP should wise up to.

PAW/PRW - Parents are watching; PIR -- Parents in room; POS Parents over Shoulder; PAL ––Parents are listening; NP -- Nosy parents; MOS Mom over shoulder; KPC -- Keeping parents –clueless; CD9 -- parents are around; P911 Parent alert.–They have a whole thesaurus of mystery numbers, symbols, and abbreviations to keep us out. This is, of course why we need a code of our very own.Lesson 2: Typical Examples for use in Texting “Them,” The KinderTHEM: Any of the above “P’s”US: AIR: ALREADY IN ROOM. 2 BAD. US: BUM: BEHIND YOU MAMALA US: I C U: I SEE YOUUS: IHT: I HEARD THATUS: WACHA: WE HAVE A CLUE, HA! US: WAW: WE’RE ALWAYS WATCHING US: WEL: WE ARE LISTENINGTHEM: PM (private message)US: TWUT: THAT’S WHAT YOU THINKTHEM: BTW (between you and me) US: ALOUD: AND ALL OF US, DARLINGTHEM: BOOMS (Bored out of my skull)US: BUFAS: “BORED?! YOU FAILED ALGEBRA! STUDY! US: DDS: DIRTY DISHES SOLUTIONUS: LOWS: LAWN OVERGROWN W/WEEDS SOLUTIONTHEM: 4ever (forever)/ BFF (best friends forever)US: FUSSEH: FOREVER? YOU SWITCH SHOES EVERY HOURTHEM: ETA (Estimated time of arrival)US: TAK5 TIME ARRIVAL KITCHEN: 5 MINUTESTHEM: TTYL (Talk to you later)

US: NUW: NO U WON’TTHEM: IANAC: (I am not a crook) US: HALT: HE’S A LIAR TATELEHTHEM: TM (trust me)US: WRAY? WE RAISED A YUTZ?THEM: SHCOON (shoot hot coffee out of nose)US: TISAFE? FOR THIS I SPENT A FORTUNE ON EDUCATION?Lesson 3: “Your General Codes” With your JYAs (Jewish Young Adults)BHB8: BE HOME BY EIGHT BUN: BUTTON YOUR NECK CAD: CALL ALREADY DARLING CFL: IT COMES FROM LOVE CL2M: CAN’T LIE TO MAMA DOW: DADDY ON WAYDUL: DEAL W/YOU LATERDWW: DRIVING WHILE WORRYINGETA5: ESTIMATED TIME ARRIVAL FIVE MINUTESFIGD: FINALLY I’M GETTING DETAILS GIMYL: GRANDCHILDREN IN MY LIFETIME? HAB: HE’S A BUMHEN4u HE’S NOT FOR YOU! IMBD: I MIGHT BE DEAD LUB: LEFT YOU BAGELS.LOCOK2: LOCAL COLLEGE OK, TOO. MOWN: MAKING OUT WILL NOW NMI: I’M NOT MIXING INPOW: PARAMEDICS ON WAY (DON’T WORORY. I’LL BE FINE)

PUBS: PROMISE YOU’LL BRING SWEATERSAB: SHE’S A BUMMERKEHSHEN4u: SHE’S NOT FOR YOU!SIP: STORM IN PACIFIC (COME GET HEAVY RAINCOAT)SUS : STAND UP STRAIGHTUGH: YOU’RE GIVING ME HEARTBURNUM? U MESHUGGE?WEJW: WE JUST WANT … (FOR EXAMPLE) YOU TO BE HAPPY/TO FIND SOMEONE/TO GET AN EDUCATION/GET A LIFEWBP: WAITING BY PHONEYAMB: YOU ARE MY BUSINESSLesson 4: “Your Codes with Friends and Adult FamilyBIG?: “BENIGN” IS GOOD? BM?: BRING MANISHEWITZ? CILS: CADDY IN LAKE. SHA! CAT: CHEAPER AT TARGET CUS: CLEANING UP SHMUTZCYCL: CALL YOUR COUSIN THE LAWYERDDD: DAUGHTER DATING DOCTOREAK: ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE KVETCHING EEF? EATING ENOUGH FIBER?F4L: FEELING FOR LUMPSGGMA: “GOLDEN GIRLS” MARATHON ALERTJUT: JUST USUAL TSOURIS HHG: HUSBAND HAS GOUT! HBI : HER BRISKET? INEDIBLEHMUG: HOW MUCH ARE YOU GIVING?

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.ISCOW?: IS SHE A CHAYA OR WHAT? L4EBS: LATE FOR EARLY BIRD SPECIAL LAR: LATKES AREN’T ROUGHAGE?REPUSH: REMEMBER, THEY CAN PUT US IN A HOMEINK: I’M NOT KVETCHING.REGARM: READING GLASSES R MISSING. (CALL!) SJP: YOU KNOW A SINGLE JEWISH PROFESSIONAL? SLOA : “SCHINDLER’S LIST” ON AGAINTG4L: THANK GOD FOR LIPITORPACT: PAINTERS ARE COMING TOMORROWWAS: WHO’S A SNOOKI?YA: YENTA ALERT/ YUTZ ALERTAnd for anyone, anytime:OVIM: OY VEY IZ MIR

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Crash-Course-in-Yiddish-Texting-Part-II.htmlCrash Course in Yiddish Texting, Part IIFeb 7, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyDMGK = Darf min gehn in kolledj or “for this I went to college”?!You’re a JYA, a Jewish Young Adult. You know from “Oy Vey.” But did you know that “Oy Gevalt” kicks it up a notch?Watch:Sheila: Irving, the IRS is auditing. Irving: Oy vey.Sheila: They found something. You wrote off the $74, 000 Lexus which you put in our son’s name.Irving: “Oy Gevalt!!”Do you know your “oy veys” from your “oy gevalts”?situation when:a.you’re not sure what to say;The majesty of Yiddish phrases is that they hit the mark in a way no English expression can (think chutzpah), and as metaphors or similes, they have deeper meanings that can be applied in almost anyb.you either do or don’t want to offend without nasty consequences;c. you want to lull the recipient into mass confusion, which, is a singular talent among We Jews.

This is why I’ve started a mission to get JYAs texting in our majestic language (click here for Part I in this series). Trust me, mamalas, you’ll not only learn Mamaloshen but your convos will convey a mystique, a beauty, a sensibility – and you’ll get your messages across with sensitivity, especially when you might actually need the yutzes you’re texting.TEXTING IN YIDDISH: A CRASH COURSEYIDDISH PHRASE: Darf min gehn in kolledj? LITERAL MEANING: For this I went to college? TEXT: DMGK?DEEPER MEANING: Since you were eight, you always wanted to join the circus. You collected brochures from Clown Colleges, and wore size 24 blue and red shoes when no one was around. Your parents sent you to shrinks from Scarsdale to Switzerland, but your heart fluttered at the sight of orange hair and elephants. Finally when the family had a Jewish intervention that involved sticking all their heads in the oven, you relented and went to CC of M (Community College of the Meshugass) where you spent four years studying Early Viking Literature.USAGE: After graduation, could you get hired? Nu, how many jobs are there for people who know the futhork runic \"alphabet\" or that Olaf The Elder wrote (translated) “A Slice of Ice is Nice?” None, that’s how many. Even in Iceland, Olaf the Youngest is teaching that course.Upset, you applied to Kosher Knish U so you could at least wear a funny hat while asking, “Do you want the kasha?” How much better to text your parents DMGK than something sarcastic like AHA! After all, you need them to pay the rent on your studio while pursuing your career –handing out menus.YIDDISH PHRASE: Enschultig meirLITERAL MEANING: \"Well excuse me,\" or “Well excuuuuse me!”TEXT: ExM; WExMMMMi!DEEPER MEANING: OK, admit it. Sometimes we’re a little obnoxious with the questions and opinions. Then there are times others beat you to it. Who doesn’t know a person who, say, if you bought a knock-off, they have to know what you paid and how they got it cheaper, or when you find a prospective bashert, they tell you his ears were pinned back? But God forbid you should ask her to tell you her GPA! The versatile WEM or WEXM! Is perfect for either person or situation. Watch …USAGE- WEM: Your friend Rona, who is visiting Israel texts you that she just saw your ex (who rejected you) in a kibbutz. Before she goes on, you say: “And you talked to him?! Some friend you are!” Her answer? “I told him that you’re now thinking of modeling with Bar Refaeli!” Oy. Not only are you wrong, you’re an interrupter. That’s a sincere ExM.

SECOND USAGE-WExMMMMi! (Sarcastic): Suppose she adds “In fact, I also told him that you had your teeth fixed, a nose job and lost 30 pounds on diet of gefilte fish. He wouldn’t even recognize you.” Wait … back up. “How dare you!” you say. Her answer? “WExMMMMi! for trying to make you look good.” All of which proves, it’s better to assume the worst and be an interrupter.YIDDISH PHRASE: Gai feifen ahfen yam!LITERAL MEANING: Go peddle your fish elsewhere!TEXT: GFAY!DEEPER MEANING: Go! Get outta here! Get lost! How dare you?! I need you like a hole in the head! Never darken my digitals again! Such a thing requires not just regular chutzpah on your part, but HC (High Chutzpah)!USAGE: Someone found/looked/hacked you on FleeceBlinked, the person you met on online JYAMeetups is dying to teach you the beauty of Farsi or some gonif is texting you night and day, sending e-mails, calling with area codes that can only be found on an island near a 4th world nation saying you should partner with them in pig farming and clean up. Does this not shtink like fish? Texting GFAY! will not only confuse this thief, but the abbreviations might be taken to mean you’re a G FAY, a secret government operative in charge of “Ferreting Artificial -‘Yews.’”YIDDISH PHRASE: Nifter-shmifter, a leben macht erLITERAL MEANING: Even if he’s dead, what difference does it make as long as he makes a living.TEXT: NSLMDEEPER MEANING: We Jews adore a little exaggeration, especially when it comes to death. True, if he’s no longer with us, he’s probably unemployed, then again, insurance may be involved … trust funds … maturing bonds … a wall safe. But never mind. We’re assuming he’s alive, but he drives you crazy. Yes, but does he make gelt?USAGE: You tell your mother you met a single young man at services. She chaloshes from joy. You try to explain he not only bores you to death, he has 21 cats he won’t part with for which he has a kitty-sitter as he owns dental clinics which keep him busy. She texts you NSLM. Later she calls and says your father’s a philosopher who makes bupkes. Better the cats and the boring than a life of fake Kosher spam.So my darling JYAs … start off with these, and should someone text you IHA I hate acronyms, by all means, give them the whole megillah in Yiddish.–

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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Crash-Course-in-Yiddish-Texting.htmlCrash Course in Yiddish TextingJan 31, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyForget LOL” How about WAICL for “What am I, chopped liver”?Chances are if you think only a crazy person would put cream in his “Java” you’re a Jewish Young Adult (JYA) who may know a “bissel” Yiddish such as “Chutzpah,” “Yutz,” “Mazel,” “Schmendrik,” and “Shmutz.” But, you’ll sit in wonder as old Jews fall down in hysteria when Tanta Bella, after a half an hour setting up a joke in broken English, gets to the punchline … “And sooo … God finally said to Pishnik who bugs Him 12 times a day … Hak Mir Nit Kain Tsheinik!A Gezunt Dir in Pupik= Good health to your belly button= “GDP”“Wha …?!” you wonder.I’ll put you out of your misery. It means: “Don't bang on the tea kettle.”Wait. Was Lipton’s even mentioned? No. But Yiddish speakers had the remarkable ability to create similesand metaphors that came at you sideways and backwards especially when they apply to the –annoying or idiots.So what’s with God and tea pots? Sit and learn, mamalas. Banging on a teapot makes a noise that could drive a person meshugge. So getting back to the joke, God really told Pishnik, “Oy, enough. Quit bothering me already!!” See it?I ask you, is this clever or what?

Now, imagine the beauty of texting your friends and foes using Yiddish expressions! Not only are we talking a different language, but one with meanings that no one but the CIA or a Jew could figure out.For example, say you started texting a person who seemed sane until he shares with you his hobby: “Highways.” Five times a day he texts you the vital statistics of the Williamsburg Bridge. You need this? He’s also a doctor, and in therapy so once a week you’ll consider.In regular text you might for example write: IGTP (I get the point), or more to the point, SUYF (Shut up you fool!) How much more heimish (convivial) to instead text the above Hak Mir Nit Kain Tsheinik or HMNKT? Far more finesse.So, for you my darling JYAs, I suggest you text in Yiddish. Yes. Not only will you be able to –not say exactly what you mean, but as few will understand the depth of your response, you could go viral from the questions alone.TEXTING IN YIDDISH: A CRASH COURSEYIDDISH PHRASE: A Gezunt Dir in PupikLITERAL MEANING: Good health to your belly button. TEXT: GDPDEEPER MEANING: “You should only have good health.” It’s a blessing. Why “belly button?” If no one cut it where would you be? (OK, mamalas, some of you may still be attached to a cord mama could use as a lasso, but why announce it?)USAGE: You love your roomie Rhoda even though she says she’s been sick since that wasp bite at Camp Kapporah when she was five. Between her Q-Tip allergy to her zit affliction that flairs when in any city with a zoo, she’s a whole chapter in the Handbook of Jewish Diseases. Your text, GDP, not only shows you care if she has a bulke on her nose, but God-willing she’ll quit shnarfling.SECOND USAGE (Sarcastic): Melvin Weiner is a whiner. For two weeks he’s been complaining that he thinks his roomie, Meyer’s humming is giving him indigestion, even though you told him it could be the two pounds of chopped liver he downs for lunch, but by texting GDP, he thinks you’re wishing him good health, especially if you add an ☺. Much classier and highly confusing. Plus, with this ploy you’ll get rid of your indigestion.And speaking of …YIDDISH PHRASE: Gehakteh Leber:LITERAL MEANING: Chopped liverTEXT: CL? OR WAICL? (What am I? Chopped Liver?)DEEPER MEANING: We Jews have a deep connection to this dish that shows up on every

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.buffet, wedding, and nosherai. Face it, it’s cheap. You won’t find chopped liver as a gourmet basket ingredient on the Food Network. So unless you’re serving it, you’re comparing it as in, “You’ll try bog snorkelling with her but not me? What am I? Chopped liver?!”USAGE: You met an interesting prospect on YoungJewsMeet (YJM). He tells you he’s going on a trip. You ask where and he says that YJE (Young Jewish Events) is sponsoring a tour of Jewish Art in Pahrump. Six are going. Does he ask you? Attach a brochure? No. Texting WAICL? tells him you’re eager, annoyed, but not desperate. Much better to keep your dignity than to text W/E (whatever), IDC (I don't care), YS (you stinker), followed up by WYCM (will you call me?), all of which makes your loserosity as attractive as goat droppings.YIDDISH PHRASE: A Vue Shtet GeschreiberLITERAL MEANING: “So, where is it written?” “Who says it's so, you?”TEXT: VSGDEEPER MEANING: This yutz, Joel Plotsky, thinks because he went to Harvard Business School (after his father donated The Plotsky SCAM wing) he’s suddenly an expert on the history of the baseball. Meanwhile, he was thrown out of Little League. Oy, not only is he a bigmouth but he knows nothing and makes up what he doesn’t know, such as “The baseball is a Jewish symbol from which came the matzo ball.” When you question, he mentions HBS. Since when did Harvard Business School start teaching “The Relationship of Baseballs to Matzo Balls?”USAGE: Of course there are at least 20 text abbreviations for “lying idiot.” But, his father, the macher, happens to have gone to P.S. 89 in Brooklyn with your father (who sells fresh fruit) and is helping you through pharmacy school. This calls for sensitivity. Trust me, mamalas, texting VSG is not only not offensive, but makes you look like a Jewish scholar which will put Mr. Bigmouth nicely in his place but is an important skill when someday you’re giving drugs to people.If you have any Yiddish texts feel free to include them in the comments section below. Until then, stay tuned for Part Two!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dating-Advice-from-a-Meshuggah-Jewish-Mom.htmlDating Advice from a Meshuggah Jewish MomMay 2, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWhy won’t my son introduce me to his girlfriend? I’m sure she’ll love me unless I hate her first.My Meshuggah-ness is in high gear today as my son has refused to introduce me to his girlfriend. Do I know why? These girls loves me. Now, while my professional, clinical self is of course, non-judgmental (unless serial killing is involved), when it comes to my own? I may be guilty of expressing an opinion or two … offering a teeny bit of unasked for advice … or saying (God don’t punish me), “I HATE her … but it’s just a feeling.”I may be guilty of offering a teeny weeny bit of unsolicited advice.Here is some of my caring remarks and advice on dating. You be the judge.ME: (TO MY SON) How nice to finally meet your friends, Tiffany, Lotus, Bardot, and Bastion. Pssst …do any of them have a last name that ends in “Bloom” or “insky?”ME: (TO MY SON) Honey, you’re too picky. I sent you 10 photos of lovely Jewish young women. What do I get from you? You don’t like zaftig, girls under 5’2”, curls, and faces that aren’t symmetrical, among other things. Listen, your father loved my asymmetrical face … he thought it was “exotic.” And we were married for over 30 years. Let me tell you, in a few years, it wouldn’t make a difference. We all end up looking alike anyway. So go for the “interior” –the one with the big arms is a Yale graduate BTW.

ME: (TO MY SON) I watched “Marty” again last night … and thought of you. Watch it. I Netflixed you. Anyway … that last girl you introduced me to? Not for you. Her favorite film is “Fatal Attraction” and she isn’t even married yet. We need to talk about this in detail.ME: (TO MY COUSIN’S DAUGHTER) Darling, I was up last night thinking of a list of men you shouldn’t look for. Then I realized that such negativity isn’t helpful, and you’ll ignore it anyway. So … instead, I made of list of professionals you should look for:Our family needs: a lawyer. Since Cousin Amy’s divorce, we lost our lawyer, although he had severe halitosis anyway. WARNING: Stay away from divorce lawyers. We could also use a pharmacist and an interesting, creative accountant if you can find one. A message therapist who owns branches is also good as is an executive at Neiman Marcus. Personally I would appreciate you connecting with anyone on good terms with Steven Spielberg.ME: (TO COUSIN WITH DAUGHTER) I read on Facebook that your daughter got a timeshare in The Hamptons. Beware! I did that when I was 23 and still single. Not only did I lose the Long Island Expressway, the place (they have names) was the Leopold and Loeb house. This should’ve been a red flag. We were seven girls one of whom shattered glass with her bare hands when she was nervous. Tell her to watch for people who shatter things as it’s a sign of an anger management problem.ME: (TO A BEST FRIEND) Did you see “The Million Dollar Matchmaker” last night? I’m ticked. That host said men don’t like women with curls. This from someone who’s not even married.OK, I heard she’s engaged. She’s 53 and waiting to plan a wedding? At 53 you don’t plan, you run to a rabbi in Vegas. She could use her eggs for hors d’oevres already. Meanwhile, those rich bachelors. Oy, what people will do to be on television. Listen, a millionaire who doesn’t talk to himself needs a matchmaker like an elephant needs toe shoes.ME: (TO A YOUNG FRIEND HOOKED ON DATING SITES) Enough with the moaning. READ BETWEEN THE LINES MAMALA. If he writes he’s a freelance consultant, it means he hasn’t had a paycheck since the Clinton Administration. If he describes himself as a complex with a subtle dark streak, he’s on Prozac. If he’s “Mature” chances are he’s on life support. If he says he’s in transportation, trust me, he squirts people’s windshields on the highway. An “actor- waiter” hasn’t had a gig since he played an extra on “Rusty the Boy Robot.” Also, stay away from men who wear white socks and patent leather shoes. Trust me, they think it’s a riot to stick straws up their nose. Finally, take it from my friend Sheila … she answered a personal from a guy who was looking for “a healthy Jewish female with a big heart.” They met … at Mt. Sinai. He was on the waiting list for a transplant. Seriously. Really. OK. I exaggerate. But … she

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.met a man who said he has a fully equipped place on the slopes. It turned out to be he rented an igloo with two poles and a hot plate. Ask Sheila. HASHTAG: #WORSTONLINEDATINGLIARS. You can also check Instagram. I don’t know how.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48918472.htmlDid Jew Know?Jan 12, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyOutrageous, odd, fascinating, Jewish facts & figures.The Hip-iest King's Jewish ConnectionsWhen Elvis Presley was a teen living on Alabama Street in Memphis, his family lived below Orthodox Rabbi Alfred Fruchter, the leader of Temple Beth El Emeth. The Rabbi and his rebbitzen owned something the Presley's lacked: a phonograph. According to Tim Boxer's Jewish Celebrity Anecdotes, young Elvis, while washing his fifty dollar 1942 Lincoln Zephyr coupe, would hear the rabbi's cantorial records, like Shlomo Koussevitsky and Moishe Oysher. In 1954, Elvis asked to borrow the rabbi's record player. He had recorded a song called I Love You, Mama which years later, Rabbi Fruchter said had a strangely familiar rhythmic sound.Wouldn't it be interesting if the King of Rock ‘n' Roll was influenced by liturgical music? Just as interesting is the fact that, many of his early hits, including Hound Dog and Jailhouse Rock were written by the Jewish duo, Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller. Sadly, they never composed, All Fermisht Up.Not Just Any Jewish ComedianRichard Pryor's daughter lights shabbos candles? Well, her father was black comedian Richard Pryror, but her mother was Jewish and she was raised primarily by her Jewish grandparents.Rain Pryor, starred in the 1980's sitcom \"Head of the Class\" but more recently used her eclectic upbringing as a source of material for her autobiographical show, \"Fried Chicken & Latkes.\" Pryor has joked that while growing up she felt \"proud, but guilty about it.\"Famous Firsts: Ball (and Boychick) One!The very fist pro baseball player, was none other than a Jew, Lipman Pike, who was born in 1845! \"Lip\" accepted $20 a week to play third base for the Philadelphia Athletics in 1866, and soon other top players followed his lead. Within three years, Cincinnati became the first all professional baseball team. Not only was Pike the first pro player, he was baseball's first home

run champion! The precise number is unknown, but we do know he hit six homers in one game in July of 1866. Primarily an outfielder, Pike, a southpaw, played all positions during his nearly 20-year career, and managed numerous teams, including, the Brooklyn Atlantics, Philadelphia Athletics, Cincinnati Red Stockings and the original New York Mets. Pike died in 1893.Yippie-ai-oy: Father of the Cowboy Film -- And Jewish.His name? Broncho Billy. His game? A rootin' shooting cowpoke. There may never have been a Roy Rogers or a Gene Autry had it not been for the grandson of a rabbi, who became the first cowboy hero. Born Max Aronson in Little Rock Arkansas in 1880, Max, (also known professionally as Gilbert Maxwell Anderson) starred in hundreds of westerns. He appeared in the seminal film \"The Great Train Robbery\" (1903), then, from 1907 to 1919, he was cowpoke \"Broncho Billy.\" Aronson, actor, writer, director, and producer of these short films, not only fashioned new camera techniques that fathered the western, but co-founded the Essanay Film Manufacturing Co., which launched the careers of Ben Turpin, Gloria Swanson, Francis X. Bushman, and Charlie Chaplin. This film pioneer who died in relative obscurity at age 88, was, however, honored with a special Academy Award in 1958.Pontiac Saves A Crafty MeshuggenahWhile working his territory in the Great Lakes area in 1763, Chapman Abram, a Jewish trader was captured during Chief Pontiac's (Chief of the Ottawas) siege of Detroit. He was condemned to death. When tied to the stake, a thirsty Abram begged for a drink. When one of his captors offered a scalding hot broth he threw it into the man's face. Awestruck, his captors saw this action is a sign of insanity, marking Abram as a special favorite of their Great Spirit. They released him immediately -- and returned his merchandise.Have an Eggroll, Mr. Two-gunOne of the strangest alliances may be that of a London charlatan and SunYat-sen. Born to poor Polish Jewish emigres in 1887, Morris Cohen, a wastrel, connected to revolutionary China when, in a gambling den in Saskatoon, Canada he defended the Chinese owner during a robbery. Cohen went to China in 1922, where he became bodyguard for Sun Yat-sen and a \"General\" in the Army - all without knowing Chinese. Whether his exploits as tycoon, arms dealer, and adventurer made him a visionary, a hustler (or both), Two-Gun Cohen (who packed two pistols) was a character!By an Emperor, He's No Emperor

Most people know we have a President, but for a brief shining twenty years, we also had an Emperor! A Jewish one, yet: Norton the First. Joshua Abraham Norton, a London-born Jew (1819) arrived in San Francisco in 1849, and did very well selling mining supplies. Alas, after failing to corner the rice market, he lost everything, disappeared, then reappeared — at the offices of the San Francisco Bulletin -- in seedy navy regalia and beaver hat, proclaiming himself \"Emperor of these United States.\" The amused editor published this proclamation in 1859, and so began the reign of Norton. A beloved figure over the years, San Franciscans bowed and curtsied as Norton sailed through the streets to keep \"order.\" A welcome guest at every public function, his \"endorsements\" gave him free entree to restaurants and the City paid for his lodging and uniforms.For You Sports FanDid Jew Know?More interesting Jewish tidbits can be found in Marnie's calendar A Little Joy, A Little Oy available here.Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.We've all heard of Sandy Koufax and Mark Spitz. But there have been Jews who favored exotic fare. The first featherweight to lift over 800 pounds and press double his body weight was a cantor and rabbi's son!Jerusalem-born (1936) Isaac \"Ike\" Berger, who came to America in 1955, took Olympic Gold in 1956 with a lift of 776.5 pounds, and the silver in 1960 and 1964. In 1964, he set a record of 336 pounds in the jerk at a body weight of 130 making him the strongest man in the world. His record held for nine years.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-Jewish-Boomers-This.htmlDon’t Ask Jewish Boomers This!Jan 30, 2016by Marnie Winston-Macauley“W a s th a t reall y yo u tinh a t p o o oht Cfo u s inJ a c o b ’sBarM itzv h a?H o w long g ao was that taken?”Yes, my fellow Members of the tribe. We Jews adore questions, even more than answers. (The answers we already know or pray God does.) For those of you under 40, you may, on –occasion, recall us asking you questions such as:“So, are you seeing anybody?” “So, is it serious?”“So, what’s the next step?” “So, did you get it in writing?”But now the tables are turning. You GenXers are asking us the questions and no offense, but tact, you don’t always have. There are those rare times you shouldn’t ask!So, as in the past, I’m here to help which brings us to today’s topic: Questions you should never ask a Jewish Boomer if you want a place in the will instead of a klop in the head. Here’s a sampling. And God willing, may you not be asked these in 20 years by your little millennial, Jedia-Malka Matzoballenberger.FOUR QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK A JEWMER ( JEWISH BOOMER)1.“Why are you shlepping junk like 200 albums of “The Barry Sisters Sing Yiddish” and boxes of Hanukkah candles if you’re downsizing?!”

Listen darlings this is not a smart question. Any capable Jewmer will tell you an original LP of the Barry Sisters, who, if you’d stop staring at your palm for two seconds, you would know is not junk. It’s music -- with Yiddish lyrics a person can farshtay by the most important Jewish sisters since Rachel and Leah. And as for extra Hanukkah candles, this is now, not 160- something B.C.E.! Today’s furshlugginer candles bend at the waist by night four. Trust me, Gen X-ers, much better to say, “Wow … such memorabilia! Maybe you don’t need 200 of each … so in the new co-op, you can fit the fridge.”2.“Wow! Was that really you in that photo of Cousin Jacob’s Bar Mitzvah...? How long ago was that taken?”True, we Jewmers, at 22, may have been adorable and it’s nice you noticed. But all we’ll hear is, “So nu, what happened to you with the pelican arms, and a face like bubble wrap?” True, we may have put on 30 pounds, but BA or Boomer Amnesia has us believing we could still pass for 35 in a power failure. Such an assault on our BA, will throw us into mutant chaos –spreading our panic by running to all we know repeating the question: “So how old do I look? Really?!” which will send them running. So, the Jewmer will call you, the only friend left, day and night asking: “Do I really look that different?!” Worse, the Jewmer may find that class photo of you during your acne-pre-teen-bloat period and hang it in the living room next to the albums of the Barry Sisters. Should you come across an early Jewmer photo, simply say: “So, you were always gorgeous!” This will nicely play with her BA as she’ll admit: “Well I have gained a little” to which you, mamalas, reply: “Nah! You were a scarecrow then!”3.“Did you forget to turn the computer “ON” again?”No! We didn’t. We were turning things on before you were even a gleam in mama and papa’s eyes. “On” we know. The problem darlings, is what to do after it’s “on.” Should you utter such an insult, be prepared to hear: “Just because we open urgent messages from governments of Visakhapatnam with the important news that our cousins, the Fleigelwassers, left us 2.3 million in rubles or the machine types gibberish just because we have a few dozen thingies up… is no reason for a fancy laptop to explode. Meanwhile, my old Remington with the ribbon, carbon paper and White-Out, never blew up, crashed, shut down, sent me treif like Spam, didn’t need a whole valley in Silicon to fix -- and more, to type a letter I didn’t need a rodent! So now, you tell me who’s ignorant?” My point mamalas is, should a Jewmer ask you how come the computer went shloofen, smile and sweetly say: “It always happens. We don’t know why. Now, the button on the big black box? Click it.”4.“If you won’t get the Medic Alert system what about the Clapper?”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Listen darlings and learn. OK, true. Things on us are falling, breaking, and plaque-ing. We may trip a little, think you’re getting taller, spit on moles that aren’t there, take an hour to make it to the mailbox, start conversations with “Guess who died?” turn on the garage door with our pacemakers and hearing aids, or, on occasion not hear knocking should God forbid, the police come, until they break down the door. But … such a question suggests: 1- You suspect we’re dying; 2) Should there, God forbid, be an emergency, we’re too feeble to clap, never mind dial; 3) If we dialed you … you aren’t coming. Have you seen the lady with the clapper who’s 100, tied to the bed, and hasn’t visited a beauty parlor since 1948? A clapper? A whole Mount Sinai, the hospital, she needs with round the clock nursing. And that’s what you think of us? Worse, this shows caring?? If you really cared, you’d call every five hours “just to say hello.” If we answer, you’ll know we’re not clapping or screaming to strangers “OY VEY! HELP, I CAN’T GET UP.”As always, should any of these questions burst forth from your lips, take two rank lemons and call me in the morning.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-Non-Jews-This-Part-2.htmlDon’t Ask Non-Jews This, Part 2Sep 29, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyLike: “When you got that 82 in physics your mom was actually happy?”We Jews are not only known for questions, we invented them.Adam to Eve: “So nu, what are you?” Eve: “You can’t figure it out?”Adam: “Are you a rib?”Eve: “This you ask a Kosher maidel?Adam: “Has anyone ever told you, you have a shayna punim?” Eve: “Who? We’re in a garden. An apple should tell me?” Adam: “So it’s just the two of us, right?”Eve: “Oy! So you’ll be true to me?” Adam: “Who else?”Ok, so maybe I took a little license, but trust me, they were thinking it.In PART ONE, we talked about what not to ask non-Jews. As we MOTS make up about 0.2 per cent of the world population, that means we have to communicate with seven billion people, most of whom don’t understand us (or can’t stand us), never mind our questions!“Can you recommend a good allergist?”Therefore mamalas, in the interest of world peace, here is PART TWO of ……..D on ’ tA s k !Q u e s t ion sYou h uSold Ne evrA s k N na o- J ew

1.“So, how are you feeling?”Ask this question and you’ll get: “Fine.” “Tip top.” “Never better.” This, when they’re in the hospital following a hip replacement. You, on the other hand feel lousy and will feel lousier if you ask a non-Jew this question. I ask you, how can you kvetch about your eye floaters when they’re perky in a body cast? I tell you, mamalas, it’s a dilemma you don’t need. Much better to say, “Oy Rosemary … If I went through what you did, I wouldn’t have made it through the operation!” Believe me, such an uplifting compliment will cheer them up more than a gift certificate to Lobsters ’R Us.2.“That kishke I fed you … can you guess what’s in it?”Are you looking for a nasty stomach upheaval? You know, I know, and millions of Jews have known the oh-so-delicious ingredients for authentic kishke. But does a non-Jew need to know intestines are involved? I say Don’t Ask unless she’s a contestant on “Chopped.” Personally, I would start a Gentile with a tongue sandwich. Listen, if they can eat head cheese, which from the name alone can nauseate a person, they can manage a little tongue, provided you remove the taste buds when they aren’t looking.3.“Can you recommend a good allergist?”Darlings, you might as well ask a non-Jew to recommend a good place to get kippahs.Most of them could be in a hayloft in Iowa with a pollen count of 3,000 wolfing peanut butter on wheat bread, and they’re hunky dory. We, on the other hand spend our lives shniffling.Mamalas, don’t waste your breath asking. More important you should save it for when you’re headed to the E.R. in anaphylactic shock if a car backfires in Brooklyn.4.“When you got that 82 in physics your mom was actually happy?”You must understand that for most people, passing, especially with a decent mark is good enough. When we get a 98 and papa says: “So what happened to the other two points?” we know it’s a sign he believes in encouraging our genius. But asking such a question may not only give non-Jews the erroneous impression that we come from neurotic, obsessive, pushy perfectionists, but sends the message that their 82 is nothing to write Bubbie about and they should hang their heads in shame. I suggest you say a compliment instead, for example: “How nice for you that it’s so easy to make your parents happy.”5.“You got to Sheila Bernstein’s party on time?”Non-Jews respect the invitation time. They believe an invite for 8 PM means 8 PM … and leaving time involves departing after someone yawns and says, “It was a wonderful evening! Well, I have a busy day tomorrow.” Darlings, face it. We Jews learn at an early age that

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.politeness demands we arrive at least 15 minutes late (we were picking up that chocolate Bobka), and leave at least an hour after the house has been vacuumed so the hosts are reassured we’re having a ball and don’t have something better to do. If you ever want to teach this valuable skill to a non Jewish friend I suggest you say: Mary Margaret, ask Sheila’s husband to show us that Internet game he invented again, while I grab the last of the –cheesecake.” Don’t forget to tell Mary Margaret that a good indication to leave is when the host has put on her pajamas.And so, mein kinder, there you have it. Five more questions you should never ask a non-Jew. Should you feel any of the above about to spew forth, take two more sour balls (the lemon) and call me in the morning!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-Non-Jews-This-Part-I.htmlDon’t Ask Non-Jews This: Part ISep 15, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyLike: So your last name’s Cooper. Tell me what was it before?In my continuing series of questions We Jews should never ask, despite our thousands of years of biology screaming “ASK ALREADY!” today I’m taking on questions you should never ask a non-Jewish person.Here’s why. Unlike us, you may have noticed that non-Jewish people have a tendency to only ask questions when they want an answer, or, vice versa, when they say “Don’t Ask” … they actually mean it.When we say “don’t ask,” it’s an invitation. When they say “don’t ask,” don’t.When we say “Don’t ask” it’s not only an invitation to ask, it’s a command that when not heeded is an insult. (“So yutz, what took you so long to ask while I’m standing here with a Band-Aid!”)When they say “Don’t ask” it’s a warning. Should we,God forbid, ask a non-Jew, “So darling, were you really guilty of money laundering?” and they say “Don’t ask” –Don’t or you may wind up in the spin cycle. Would you believe they may actually be offended and think you’re a yenta (if they know what it means)?More, if we do ask, we might not be thrilled with the answer.Don’t worry mein kinder. In the interest of world peace, never mind the neighborhood, I am here and happy to help: As a public service, I now present you with:D on ’ tA s k :Q u e s t ion sYou h uSold Ne evrA s k N na o- J ew

1. Mary Sue, maybe you have some Pepto-Bismol, Rolaids, or Tums in your “purse?”Trust me, mamalas, your non-Jewish friend doesn’t live on Pepcid and Prilosec. She can eat an entire wheat crop and drink directly from a cow without even a stomach rumble, while We Jews would need a new colon if, God forbid, we touch lactose or gluten. Should you ask such a question: not only will she think you’re a kvetch, she may actually tell you: a) it’s all in your mind; b) or feel bad that you feel bad and she’s out of Beano. I ask you, you need to hear such an accusation? Of course not. You need to deliver such guilt? Actually, never mind.2.“You really think the Second Amendment gives you the right to have all those guns?”Face it. More non-Jews have guns, rifles, weapons, than do Jews (unless they’re with the IDF). First darlings, should you ask you’ll get into such a debate, even Alan Dershowitz wouldn’t get involved. Then, you’ll hear all about hunting, which we pooh on. And God forbid you should ask why to kill one duck they need enough assault rifles to take out a small island nation, they’ll send you a 12 by 15 glossy of Charlton Heston – and not as Moses.3.“So, your name’s Cooper. Tell me what was it before?”If you’re talking to an American Wasp, there wasn’t a “before.” Their ancestors, the Coopers, supplied Paul Revere … a fact that got them into the Daughters of the American Revolution, along with a footnote under “Revere.” All of this makes them U.S. “royalty.” We Jews, mamalas, have a “before.” With all the running and evil border guards we could be a direct cousin of Moses, but who would know with a family name like Shmutzbank? Better you should ask a non-Jew: “You really commissioned that huge portrait of your great great Uncle, Phineas Quincy Cooper sitting on a barrel?”4.“You’re really gonna put bacon and eggs on that jalapeno-blueberry bagel?”They’ll also add mayonnaise. Nebuch, can we expect the whole world to eat Kosher? We can only hope. But turning our savory invention into chaloshes fruity treif? Remember, they think they’re eating “Jewish,” so any such question will hopelessly confuse them, but then what can you expect from people who invented the olive loaf?Instead of asking, assume a the Basic Face and ask: “Poppy darling, why not try a bagel named after you … with a shmear?”5. So, tell me what did it “cost?” followed by: “You bought retail?!”Who could believe a simple question like “what did your house, car, dress, taxes, lawyer, psychiatrist, ring, proctologist, trial cost?” could actually offend some non-Jews? What do they know from “sharing?” To a non-Jew this is not “helpful,” it’s chutzpah … especially should they tell us they bought at Tiffany’s and paid retail. They still don’t trust we could get the

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.exact same thing cheaper, better, and faster. Alright! OK! You tried. Listen if they think Tiffany’s is better than your great uncle Moishe in the jewelry district, don’t aggravate -yourself. They deserve to overpay.6. You really like indoor rock climbing and that stationary bike that goes “nowhere?”Trust me, they do. They’ll fling and fly, climb and cycle 10,000 miles to stay in place and think they had a good time. We Jews, on the other hand, have spent thousands of years doing the 3-minute mile, shlepping goats and chickens yet. We didn’t have a good time – even when we got somewhere. So, we need to risk our lives climbing to ceilings, where we could, God forbid, hit a fan? We need to waste our time pedaling on a thing that won’t even take us to Bloomingdale’s? If we want to see a climber, we’ll watch a mime. More, if we’re so farmisht we actually try to get on the bike, we’ll lose a handy dandy clothes closet.And so, mein kinder, there you have it. Six questions you should never ask a non-Jew. Should you feel any of the above about to spew forth, take two sour balls (try the lemon) and call me in the morning.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-the-In-Laws-This.htmlDon’t Ask the In-Laws ThisMay 18, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFive questions you should never ask your child’s prospective in-laws.Goyish: “No. Really. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?Jewish: “You wouldn’t believe what the doctor said! (SILENCE) WELL?! Don’t you care if I’ll make it till next Shavuot! Ask, already!”1 - “How about we bring all the food for our next Shabbos together?”Face it. Asking is the Great Divide between We Jews and everybody else. It’s also one of our greatest ironies. When an MOT (Member of the Tribe) says “Don’t Ask!” what we really mean is: “Not only shouldyou ask, better set aside a morning while I tell. Bringlunch.”While We Jews understand this upside-down backward meaning, sometimes “Don’t ask!” should also mean we shouldn’t ask, ever! Obviously we need a little guidance here. Not to worry, I’m here, mamalas.Your David or Lisa, after 10 years of Jewish single cruises, $5,000 to JewMatch.com, and 20 audition tapes for The Bachelor, has finally found a reasonably capable bashert! Ai Ai Ai! All of Borough Park, Brooklyn, and now Riverdale, New York are saying joyful prayers!You’ve heard the old expression, “You aren’t only marrying the person, your marrying the parents?” For We Jews, you’re not only marrying the parents, you’re marrying 150 tantes, zaydes, bubbes, friends from Borough Park, and 200 people the family met on their trip to Israel.Therefore, it’s important that you get along with your child’s future machatanim (in-laws) –even though they could put a blot on your lineage. True, we’re all Jews, but according to Jewish geometry (one Jewish opinion times Chai), four prospective parents equal 72 opinions! So, we need to be cautious, sensitive, generous, and agreeable – even though we know we’re right.

So in my vigilant effort to perform a Jewish public service, I now present you with five questions you should never ask your Child’s Prospective Machatunim.Don’t Ask! Questions You Should Never Ask Your Child’s Prospective Machatunim1-“How about we bring all the food for our next Shabbos together?”A nice offering? Feh! You know, I know, and more importantly the future machatanista knows you think her food is chaloshes. While I don’t usually approve, sometimes a little white lie is necessary. Sigh, and say: “Darling, your aluminum appliances? Gorgeous! But pssst … I have a little problem I’ll share since we’re almost ‘family.’ My Irv is violently allergic to aluminum! The last time he ate from an aluminum fridge, he went into such anaphylactic shock, we had to call the paramedics from Mt. Sinai, which is why I’m stuck with cheesy ceramic while you can freeze like a person!” Perfect! Not only can you bring your brisket, but you’ve complimented the machatanim, which no doubt God (and your child) will consider a mitzvah!2-“Darlings, since we’re paying for the wedding, how about you limit your list to say 47?”Mamalas, I know you belong to Mount Macher which charges for a plate what you paid for your first attached house and your guest list rivals the number of Smartphones in Scarsdale. Should, God forbid, they invite more than 50, you’ll be forced to say blessings over leftover Pesach matzo. But, a question like this will cause a distance between you and your child’s future machatanim greater than the Dead Sea. Much wiser to come up with some fair suggestions. Use the basic: “We’re only inviting ‘close friends and family,’ darling.” The test? “If you can’t pick them out of an Israeli IDF line up, there off the list.” Once -they weed down, generously suggest they invite all their cousins in Yekaternburg, Budapest, and Be’er Sheva.Another 100 invites for their side! You know and I know a Russian Jewish farmer isn’t booking a flight. Is it your fault yours could make it and theirs couldn’t? Of course not!3-“You want to bring our David, a lawyer, into your button business?! Are you meshugge?!”They probably mean well. After all, they made a good living from buttons. But … who saw your David through his “circus” period, fought with the Law School to get him in with his farshtinkener entrance scores, then paid the entire audience at Comedy Is Us a fortune to yell “GET OFF ALREADY!” All this because you knew he was destined to use his comedy as a lawyer! And now these meshugge machatanim want to undo your life’s work?! Calm down, darlings. I suggest you assume the basic look and say: “What generosity, making him a partner!” Believe me, an associate, maybe. But partner?! They have two other sons, never mind cousins who’ve eagerly awaited “partner” for 10 years. But … you can suggest he contribute his legal skills for a small retainer, say, 20 percent of their gross. Is this a family bargain, or what?

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.“We insist you make … Tu B'Shevat!4-“For the future, how about we split the holidays, for example, our side will take Pesach, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and you do maybe Tisha B’Av?”You know, everyone knows you do the holidays withsuch flair, all of Brooklyn doesn’t mind starving on Yom Kipper, because they know they’ll do the Break Fast … by you. And your Pesach roast duck with cherry wine sauce they couldn’t duplicate on Bobby Flay’s Throwdown. But when it comes to planning all the holidays through say, 5786 (2025), better you should just lay the groundwork. Say to your child’s future machatanim: “Oy, do you have gorgeous … trees.” What does this have to do with holidays?Listen and learn mamalas: “We insist you make … Tu B'Shevat! What a Jewish Arbor Day we’ll celebrate together! And don’t worry, in return, OK, we’ll do Pesach.” Now, through the years should they notice you’re also doing Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur … throw in Sukkot.What? You need to build an outdoor booth when they have such a Garden of Eden? 5 - “So tell me confidentially, what did your David look like before?”When you met your daughter’s machatanim you noticed they all have ears that could signal NASA for lift-off, so it’s possible your darling grandchild may – Poo! resemble Dumbo. But –to ask such a question that implies they might have pinned back a little something or two on David? Tasteless mamalas. And be honest. Didn’t you pay $20,000 in braces so your Lisa could shut her mouth? You must handle this with greatest of sensitivity! Suggest that after (halevai!) a grandchild is born, you and the machatanim fill out those kinder insurance forms (poo poo!) you’ve been throwing out to start saving for his future, for example, education, an office in a good location – and even … maybe a little “cosmetic” work. I ask you, is this not Tikkun Olam?

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont_Ask_Your_Children_This.htmlDon’t Ask Your Children ThisNov 6, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyQ u e s t io n sJ ew i s hp reant s sh o u ldne erva s k the r ic h ildren .Okay mamalas, in our continuing course on question we Jews, so prolific with the questions, shouldn’t ask, we have thus far completed What Not to Ask Your Date, and What Not To Ask Your Mate. From these, my hope is you’ve learned a little something. And, God willing,perhaps those who were on their way to breeding cats, may have instead, found a life partner; and those who found one, have now a chance of keeping him or her past the breaking of the glass.“If Avi stuck a fire cracker up his nose would you do it too?” Sadly the answer is always yes.Today, we turn our attention to the kinder! After all, is this not what we parents live for? To make sure we have mourners? (And of course leave a legacy).Once again, you will be called upon to curb yournatural gift for questions. First, they won’tappreciate the fact that your queries only come from love, and second, they wouldn’t answer anyway.From birth to about two, they’re yours, mamalas. True, they’ll spill, make messes with PlayDoh, maybe eat it, play with the potty, but your loving questions are necessary to make sure little David and Sarah: a) are given a proper basis for your later questions; b) won’t be left back in pre-school. Enjoy this time. It will be the last you’ll be able to “ask” them anything, without needing Tums.GENERAL RULE: Of course it is our job as good Jewish parents to instill in them the proper values, character traits, and behavior. However, as children are easily embarrassed, and affected by all that “peer group” craziness, we have to use extreme sensitivity in the asking, especially in public.So, here are six questions you should never ask your children during the Early Years.1.“Doesn’t he look like Logan Lerman in those pants?!” (Out loud in the Mall.)

Of course he does or will, in eight years when he grows into them. But getting other –shoppers to agree will annoy rather than encourage your 11-year-old.2. How ab“out pound cake to tide you over till dinner?”The world now knows what Jewish parents have known for centuries. At least four or five small meals a day not only shows our love, but is healthy! However, some Jewish children, once they hit the age for serious socializing seem to feel they’ve retained some “baby fat” -- and blame us. Therefore, we must struggle with the eternal question: “What is a ‘small?’ meal for which they’ll be grateful for later?” Change your wording as follows: “Mamala, how about a sliver of pound cake? A taste chopped liver? If your child resists, ask him to “sample” what you’ve made. Then proceed to serve him a double portion. NOTE: Other useful words: “Morsel,” “bite,” “smidgen.”3.“Bubbela, can you show Aunt Rivka how you can say ‘Hello’ in Hebrew?” (To your three-year- old, while you sister’s holding on from Tel Aviv.)Oy, I know, darlings. The little cutie says “Shalom” like a meshugge parrot when he’s trying to avoid bedtime. Ask him to say it, however, and you’ll not only get bupkes, but your furious sister will no doubt tell the entire family in Israel that he’s Learning-Challenged. Better to wait until bed time, and secretly tape him with your i-Phone video recorder repeating this word tirelessly while dancing a kazatzke. Note: Ignore those good for nothings who text you articles on the Emotionally-Challenged.4-“How could you lose a whole tuba?” (Or anything from mittens to a piano.)If, you ask such a question, chances are your precious little David will offer up a blank stare and or inquire, “What tuba?” I suggest, as with his backpack, proper lunch pail, your folder of notes to the teacher, along with the necessary “just in case” items such as rubbers, snowsuits, sun block, and an umbrella, you attach any extras, like musical instruments, to all children’s jackets. You can use a fancy decorative rope so your little one will be constantly reminded of his eternal connection to you.5-“And if Avi stuck a fire cracker up his nose would you do it too?”Yes, darlings, he would. Brilliant they may be, but like Einstein, until 40, they’re sheep. So yes, he would stick a marble, a toy car, or yes, even a fire cracker up his nose no matter how much you hock about deviated septums. Therefore, it is your job as parents not to trust your child in any group where you or someone you trust is not present. This, of course, may cause conflict, so I suggest you become a capable camouflager. One example might be memorizing

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.the foliage along his route, then following at a distance of about 15 yards. Should he sense your presence, dodge behind a bush, and boom your message, adding, “If Moses listened, why shouldn’t you? Do you think you’re better than him?!”6-“Do you want to kill yourself!?” This is a critical generic question that we parents know is vital should your child wish to: a) play sports in the park; b) go out after sundown; c) eat chazzerai. And these are just for starters. However, your child will, of course, argue that you’re over-reacting. Much better to prove it. Steep yourself in “what could happen.” Casually mention how his great-uncle skinned his knee playing stickball in 1936, which led to a knee replacement when he was 70. Hang photos of cousin Myra on the fridge who ate chazzerai, weighed 400 pounds and never married. And finally, talk about the young Israelites who left the neighborhood after dark and were forced to fight lions. OK, true, this was thousands of years ago, but people don’t change.Should you feel any of the above about to emerge, stick a sour ball in your mouth and call me in the morning.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-Your-Elderly-Parent-This.htmlDon’t Ask Your Elderly Parent This!Jul 22, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleyQ u e s t io n sa and ult c h ilds h o u ldne erva s k the r eiJw i s h boo er p reman t .Who doesn’t know that for We Boomer Jews, the question mark is our favorite form of punctuation? True, we can be a little intrusive, a little too curious, which could, on occasion, be misconstrued as offensive.A simple inquiry from us to our kinder or their kinder, such as “So who are you seeing now?” brings on an explosion of psychobabble which ends with the word “boundaries.” We Boomers have boundaries. They’re just a little larger than most.So today I’m reversing. As I’ve aged (but don’t look it) suddenly I’ve gone from “mom” to “Please God, don’t let her live with me” (unless gelt is involved).The following are questions, that, as a Boomer, I’m now asked. Suddenly we’ve become fair game for them who now ask us questions which might be construed as offensive.–QUESTIONS AN ADULT CHILD SHOULD NEVER ASK A BOOMER PARENT:1.“You always think you’re having a heart attack or stroke. Have you ever thought it might be indigestion?”This is a bad question. Why? They’re in software. They know if it’s the real thing this time? They’ll only show up for the reading of the will? Should you be asked this question by your children, start with Step One. Immediately switch to “Joey.” Who’s Joey? The lovely young man next door who lost his poor mother under mysterious circumstances and has now “adopted” you. You cook for him and he runs all your errands and looks in on you daily. Step

two: Use the basic tone of voice when asking “What was the name of your friend … who drew up my will? Trust me darlings, where there’s a will, there’s a way to get your kinder to come take your pulse.2.“Why don’t you have a garage sale and dump your old books, eight tracks, and collections?”God forbid we should tell them to quit staring at their palms for two seconds and maybe we’ll give up the Barry Sisters 78 rpm, our movie projector with the “How to Survive a Nuclear War” film, our “I LIKE IKE” buttons, or our original copy of Portnoy’s Complaint? Better we stay calm, and using the basic tone of voice say: “Darling, I hear the Barry Sisters are making a come- back in Natanya, and our buttons are listed in a rare Jewish collectible site, so our financial advisor (Cousin Eli) told us to hold on and by 2042 you’ll be a billionaire. However, if you still want me to junk them, who am I to say?” They’ll build a vault for your Howdy Doody lunchbox.3.“Did your pacemaker open the garage door again?”This question we get from our kinder whose computers set off the local Emergency Alert System when they were twelve. Our medical equipment is our business (including the unmarked packages) and according to the infomercial, it can’t open doors but it would be nice to see a decent child come through one. But why give guilt? Casually mention the nice Jewish widow in Connecticut, robbed by a knife-wielding gang member who got in through the garage. The thief wanted gelt to buy weeds or maybe Crystal Light. Add: “Oh, and she didn’t have a pacemaker, but maybe it was her hearing aid?”4.“Wow! Was that really you in that photo ...? How long ago was that taken?!”We need to be reminded that our center of gravity has shifted? That parts of us are hanging so low we could mop with them? That our faces look like a relief map of Bulgaria? But, do we want to shame them? Better to ask: “Well how old DO I look?” “How old do your friends think I look?” “How old would I look with make-up, a tummy sucker-inner, and a wig – if it’s dark out?” You can also add: “That photo was taken before you were born. I turned gray after the Caesarian.”5.“Did you like the Clapper I got you?”Have you seen the infomercial? The woman is older than Abraham. That’s how they think of us? A 110, with three strands of hair, chaloshing, clinging to the garbage disposal and clapping? This is not a compliment, mamalas. Calmly inform them you’re too weak to “clap” after all the clapping you did during their 1,000 school productions like “David and Goliath” when they played the slingshot.6.“Do you think you’re forgetfulness is depression or dementia?”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.We Boomer Jews scrimped and saved to send our children to medical school, and now, just because we occasionally forget our keys, our address, our car, and use Post-It Notes with the grandchildren’s names on them, they’re asking us for a “diagnoses?” Weren’t they were thrilled when we “forgot” about the student loans we took for them, the gelt advanced, the apartment we got them to study in a foreign country (because they couldn’t get into medical school in the U.S.) … and suddenly we’re senile, depressed? I recommend you gently remind them “If you finished your medical studies in Tunisia which I’m still paying for … you would know.”7.“How hard is it to learn what a modem is?”I said: “How hard is it to learn the name of one astronaut?” The other night on the game show with the Pyramid, a Millennial had to give a clue: The topic? “Famous Astronauts.” She mentioned a baseball player. Picture it! An entire nation of Boomer Jews screaming: MARTIN FETTMAN. (OK, Neil Armstrong.) In our lifetimes, we’ve learned “obsolete” things, such as how to write a word more than three letters, how to say a complete sentence, how to read a book that doesn’t come with an “e “ before it, how to research or make a friend without clicking on -a scary multi-national corporation that knows more about our X-Rays than we do and can sell them to foreign dictators. Back then it was one click, and Boom, something went on or off.Today, on click and we’re spammed, hacked, get viruses, have to update, and are ruled by a machine that decides what it will do and when. But this will only convince them we’re leaking too many brain cells to take in new information. Much better to say: “Mamala, I’ll learn what a modem is, when you learn to name the Presidents backward to Truman – without clicking.”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont_Ask_Your_JYAS_This.htmlDon’t Ask Your JYA’S ThisMar 25, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyQ u e s t io n sJ ew i s hp reant s sh o u ldne erva s k the r eiJw i s h Yo u n gA d ult Y(JA ) children.Last time, we looked at questions you shouldn’t ask your kids for fear of embarrassment -- theirs, and since they wouldn’t answer anyway – yours. However, while they’re still young, a small mis-step is bound to happen. Listen, there are worse tragedies than asking your neighbors in front of your 12-year-old: “My poor Rivkaleh just can’t get that broccoli out of her braces no matter what she does.”However, starting in the teen years they will think they’re “grown ups.” (They also think Uncle -Pete, who invented a toilet that lights up is “interesting.”) Yet, we must exercise even greater sensitivity as JYAs have “opinions” and thanks to our constant educational vigilance, eloquent pisks with which to express them.“Don’t you know we were on shpilkes waiting for you?!\"So, I now present you with five questions you should never ask your JYAs.1- “Don’t you know we were on shpilkes waiting for you?!\"For 3,000 years Jewish parents have been “Lateness shpilkesized.” After two minutes: “Maybe -she took the long way home.” Five: “... and met a friend.” Six plus minutes: “… then was snatched by a serial killer!” When she saunters in 10 minutes late, resist the urge to tell her you called the ER, the BAU, and other initialed agencies that use radar and a net. She will make the incorrect assumption that you need one, and, believe me, the only empathy you’ll get is “Chill.” Much better to offer up a disinterested shrug: “You were gone? Harvey, did you know she was out?” This will throw her into turmoil as she’ll wonder what you really know, and fear you’ve washed your hands of the 2015 Mustang you promised for graduation! Trust me, mamalas, she’ll be home an hour early!2-“You want to make acting (singing, accordion playing, watering deserts in 4 world th countries) your career?!”

This question will cause your college-age kinder to think you doubt their abilities, thereby creating insecurity. True, most young people want to a) save the world; b) be on American Idol. Yes, it’s possible for JYAs to save the world, be creative and even make a living from such pursuits. But good Jewish parents must engage in brutal honesty! Did your “Marvin” (who wants to start a band) quit piano at “Chopsticks?” Did your “Sheila” (who’s talking building a rain forest from a desert) faint when her Manolo Blahniks got dusty? So, should you suspect your JYA may not be entirely “capable,” instead of hysterically asking, “Acting?! You passed out playing Haman in the school play!?” Assume a calm facial expression, and say: “Whatever you want, mamala … as long as you’re happy. We’ll support you 100% --right after you finish law (or medical) school, which, face it, we all know will make you even happier.”3-“Why do you want to move out, all by yourself, into a dingy apartment?!”There comes a time in every JYAs life when you will hear: “I want a place of my own in ‘the City.’” Instead of geshre-ing, “But that’s the same lousy apartment zayde paid $35 a month for in 1932!” agree that a little more independence is okay! Remember, it is your job to insure continuity, which means that at no time are they to live alone without a loving presence, e.g. you. Better you should spend a fortune bringing in the decorators to re-do her room or the contractors to fix up the attic, then: a) casually make sure she sees the bill; b) tell her that you’ve decided she can now lock her door.If your YA still insists on leaving your safe, luxurious nest for a filthy, over-priced, studio with a goniff landlord in a gang neighborhood where a young person was attacked 22 years ago, you may step in reasonably as follows:a)Get all her contact information: all cell phones, her friends’ and neighbors’ cells, the building phone; the local police, fire, rescue, and hospital numbers.b)Call her at least three times daily: at 8 am to make sure didn’t succumb to SYADS (Sudden Young Adult Death Syndrome); at noon, to check that she made it to work or school unharmed; at 10 pm so you can say, “At least I know where my child is.”c) Should you fail to reach her before your next call shift, start phoning her contacts.d)Happen to be “in the neighborhood” – three times a week. Bring with you your “leftovers” she can freeze, an assortment of cleaning supplies, “reminders” (e.g.: “It’s tax time, mamala. Bring forms and daddy’s accountant will fill them out for you”).4.“This person you’re keeping company with comes from a nice [read: Jewish] family?This question may appear intrusive to your JYA so much better to say: “Mamala, I trust your judgment.” Then, invite the young man over. When you’re serving cake, ask … “Were you wondering if the cake is Kosher?” His answer will serve as a basis for further inquiry, e.g.: “Do

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.you parents keep Kosher?” and casually: “So what’s the family name?” Then ask your younger kinder to Google them.5.“Our son! Engaged! But are you … absolutely, positively sure, mamala?”It’s finally happened. Your 20-something-year-old son made a commitment to what’s-her- name. Ah, but is “she” truly capable of providing him with the proper emotional and practical nourishment you’ve given him for 20 years?! Of course not. You know it, I know it. But asking such a question to your “Mr.-Bigshot-in-love” will aggravate him. Switch to a different approach like saying, “Oy the poor thing -- so skinny. But give her five years and she’ll gain 50 pounds. Easy.”Should you feel any of the above about to burst forth, take a glass tea, lie down, and call me when the elephants in your head stop pounding.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont-Ask-a-Jewish-Allergic-Person-This.htmlDon't Ask a Jewish Allergic Person This!Jun 4, 2016by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWe e sJwa d o r eq u est io .n sh ea ns e sw r– e hno otsm u c h .There are those rare times you shouldn’t ask because you might accidentally get a rotten answer. So, as in the past, I’m here to help which brings us to today’s topic: Questions NO ONE should ever ask an allergic Jewish person.That’s not to say only Jews have allergies. Other people also may pass out from say, nuts. But We Jews instead of DNA, have DNAA a whole separate strand -- for allergies.–Now, why have I chosen this particular subject? Simple. While, like my friends I walked around my whole life shnarfling (my cross between sneezing and leaky sniffling), this week I awoke with eyelids (upper and lower) that were the size of dirigibles. Also there was the question of being blind.I ran to an ophthalmologist. His background was German. Trying to be “cool” around the Jew he made a joke about why Abraham started the wars in the Middle East. A real-knee-slapper. “I’m dead,” I thought. I could see the local paper. “Marnie Macauley: Writer, counselor, speaker with seven fans passed away today. Cause of death: Fat eyelids. The ACLU is investigating the attending physician Dr. Otto Ottovordemgentschenfelde who is known for –telling rotten ‘Jewish jokes.’”The next day I resembled the Elephant Woman. Small children ran from me. (And no Benadryl didn’t work, although I started seeing strange things in the dark like little Dr.–Ottovordemgentschenfeldes on the wallpaper.)