Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Ray Barone is Jewish Doug Heffernan is GoyishHeinz is Jewish Hunts is GoyishGolden Girls is Jewish Desperate Housewives is GoyishDiet Coke is Jewish Diet Kool-Aid is GoyishRice pudding with raisons is Jewish Jell-O with cling peaches hanging is Goyish Mork is Jewish Mindy is GoyishEntemann's is Jewish SnackWells is GoyishMotorboats are Jewish Sailboats are GoyishBloomingdale's is Jewish Macy's is GoyishSuperman is Jewish Lois Lane is GoyishSeltzer is Jewish Club soda is GoyishLaw and Order is Jewish CSI is GoyishWeight loss camps are Jewish Wilderness camps are Goyish Your Uncle in the Jewelry District is JewishTiffany's is GoyishThe Tony Awards are Jewish The Country Music Awards are Goyish The Pillsbury Doughboy is Jewish Mr. Clean is GoyishColin Powell is Jewish Condoleezza Rice is Goyish The Catskill Mountains are Jewish Mountain climbing is Goyish Peas are Jewish Black-eyed Peas are GoyishCapris are Jewish Diesels are GoyishCinderella is Jewish Snow White is GoyishE-Bay is Jewish The Home Shopping Network is GoyishSurvivor is Jewish American Idol is GoyishMarnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Jewkbox-Jewish-Musicians-who-Changed-Rock-Music.htmlJewkbox: Jewish Musicians who Changed Rock MusicJan 27, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleySix members of the tribe, from Bob Dylan to Joey Ramone.Jews have changed the face of music in America. As I’ve written in the past, our contribution to Broadway alone (Jerome Kern. Oscar Hammerstein II, George and Ira Gershwin, Richard Rodgers, Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick to name just a few) created the landscape of enduring and legendary new sounds in America. Jews also wrote some of the most popular Christmas and patriotic songs, the master being Irving Berlin.In rock music, Jews are lesser known, so the following may be surprising. Let’s look at a sampling of six.*KISS: Both Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are Jewish.- Gene Simmons: The singer, songwriter, record producer, entrepreneur, actor and television personality, also known by his stage persona The Demon is the bass guitarist and co-lead singer of Kiss, the rock band he co-founded with rhythm guitarist Paul Stanley in the early 1970s. Simmons was born Chaim Witz at Rambam Hospital in Haifa. In 1949, he immigrated to the U.S. with his mother, Florence, a survivor. In 2011, Simmons visited his home country, Israel. He described the trip as a \"life changing experience … I'm Israeli. I'm a stranger in America. I'm an outsider.” Simmons also accepted a 'successful native son' award from the city of Haifa .He remains an ardent supporter of Israel. A major influence on Simmons was the Beatles. His hard-rock group ,KISS, exploded after 1975 with \"Alive!,\" bringing songs such as
\"Rock and Roll All Nite\" along with their distinctive hard rock to worldwide fame. \"Beth\" –brought Kiss to the top 10 of the Hot 100 in 1976; \"Forever,\" which peaked at No. 8 in 1990, returned them to the top 10.- Paul Stanley: He was born Stanley Bert Eisen was born January , 1952, in upper Manhattan. Stanley’s mother’s family fled Nazi Germany to Amsterdam, and then to New York City. His father's parents were from Poland. In a 1979 interview with Tom Snyder, he described himself as the only Jewish kid in an all Irish neighborhood while growing up. Early on, despite an ear deformity that affected his hearing, he loved music, from Beethoven to Jerry Lee Lewis. At 13, he received his first adult guitar. Ultimately, he was inspired by the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.*Bob Dylan: A Nobel Prize winner in Literature, Dylan has become the standard bearer in both folk and rock music. After the 1963 release of “The Freewheelin” he burst onto scene. His work has included the legendary songs/albums: \"Blowin' in the Wind” and \"A Hard Rain's A- Gonna Fall.\" With his next album, The Times They Are A-Changin', he soared as the sound of the 1960s protest movement.Born Robert Allen Zimmerman (Hebrew name: Shabtai Zisl ben Avraham) in Duluth, he had a strong Jewish upbringing in the tight Jewish community of Hibbing, Minnesota, where he was raised. His parents were both presidents of Jewish service organizations and his grandparents spoke Yiddish. His family observed kashrut, and he attended the Zionist summer camp, Camp Hertzl. While his stance on religion has been, much like him, complex , contradictory, and self- mythologizing, his Jewishness shines through his work where his strong knowledge of Judaism is clear, for example, his “Talkin' Hava Negeilah Blues” and the inclusion of a section of the Tanach in “All Along the Watchtower.”*Donald Fagen: Steely Dan. Born Donald Jay Fagen in January, 1948 to Jewish parents, the Grammy winner was raised in New Jersey. He is best known as co-founder (with Walter Becker), singer, and keyboardist of Steely Dan. While Fagen has classified himself as both a self-taught pianist and vocalist, he did study formally, at Berklee College of Music and took some private lessons in the mid-1970s. Steely Dan's bestselling album was 1977's Aja, which was certified platinum. The jazz-rock legend, whose work includes “Morph the Cat,” “Brite Nightgown” and after Steely Dan's breakup in 1981, “The Nightfly,” was influenced by the heavily Jewish Tin Pan Alley and Jewish songwriters such as Burt Bacharach.*David Lee Roth: Van Halen. The multi-talented vocalist, musician, actor, writer and songwriter, best known as lead singer of the hard rock band Van Halen, was born on October 10, 1954 in Bloomington, Indiana. His dad, and other relatives were affluent and renowned surgeons. Interestingly, David says that he found his voice while studying for his Bar Mitzvah.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.His stage presence comes from the showmanship of performers like Al Jolson. Medicine wasn’t the only “medium” around Roth. His uncle, Manny Roth, spearheaded the famed Café Wha? In Greenwich Village. (The place to be for New York boomers.) At age seven, he was inspired by the club’s performers such as Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan. As a solo artist, he’s been highly rewarded with Gold and Platinum albums. In 1960, Uncle Manny was one of Roth’s first interviews on his radio show in New York.*Joey Ramone: One of a number of Jews who founded punk rock, could there be a less Jewish name? (Actually, the “Ramone” was the name Paul McCartney used when he wanted to check into places incognito.) Ramone was born Jeffrey Ross Hyman on May 19, 1951 in Queens, New York to Charlotte (née Mandell) and Noel Hyman. Joey Ramone's parents met at the Borscht Belt, where Jewish families vacationed, performed and looked to make –shidduchs. Joey co-founded the Ramones in 1974, bringing a new counter-culture sound to rock. His music was loud, fast, and in part represented the outside status of Jews. The icon died just shy of his 50 Birthday after a long battle with lymphoma in 2001. In 2005, Ramone th was honored posthumously at the first Jewish Music Awards, receiving the Heeb Magazine Lifetime Achievement Award. After his death, the city of New York, named a corner for him (2nd Street and the Bowery), calling it “Joey Ramone Place.” In 2010 the Associated Press reported his tribute was the most stolen sign and later placed it 20 feet above the sidewalk!Of course there are many other great rock musicians, too many to name, but if you have a favorite, include him or her in the comments section below!
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Jewpers.htmlJewpersOct 19, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWe e Jw s lo e ov t la u g h t ao r e eu slvs.So t le’sd o th at t w ih so e m “Je perws ”–or Bloopers inv vo lin gJ ew s.We all know them when hear them. We’ve all committed them: bloopers. The term “Bloopers,” which came into vogue in the 1930s are those times when we blow it. They are gaffes, dumb mistakes, mispronunciations, rotten taste, and just plain stupid remarks that make us want to hide our red-face under the covers, take up residence in a third world nation, or these days, go embarrassingly viral.MSNBC Anchor Mika Brzezinski: “Keep it right here on Morning Jew.”The term was popularized by Kermit Shaefer who made a nice living from the famous who messed up, sometimes hilariously. His turned these Bloopers into books, records, radio, and later TV.Shaefer’s first platinum find was whenannouncer/actor, Harry Von Zell, in 1931, referred to the President as Hoobert Hever.His lists became a brand known as Pardon My Blooper! and the concept became part of pop culture.I admit it. I’ve done my share. I still wince when I think of what I said to a lovely woman sitting next to a famous actress I knew, “Ah! You must be her mother!” The two knew each other since kindergarten. “May the floor open up and swallow me,” I thought.
My tic grows worse when I think of all the times I “mazel toved” non--pregnant women with a belly, complimented the wrong actor, or told a joke with the wrong ending and watched everyone thinking: “Wha? She writes humor for a living?”True, we Jews have to deal with enough mistakes about us from anti-Semites but on occasion, companies and individuals (including us) will commit an innocent “blooper” or simply – act like idiots.After much research, I bring to you today … Jewpers, or Bloopers that involve Jews.MATZO-MEIN?One of the most famous Jewishy bloopers occurred on the “Newlywed Game,” hosted by Bob Eubanks. For those of you too young to remember life before the Kardashians, the game involved newly married couples who were asked questions about their new other half out of their earshot. Matching answers won. The veteran Eubanks posed this question to the men: “What was the last traditional Jewish favorite your wife prepared for you?”One husband, thought and finally said … “Chow Mein!”OK, when I think about how much I “chow” during High Holiday season, maybe he wasn’t thatfar off?.JEW IN THE MORNING?This past July, blood pressures rose in the VIP rooms at MSNBC when Mika Brzezinski, co- host of “Morning Joe” with Joe Scarborough, had just interviewed the Israeli ambassador to the U.S., Ron Dermer about the crisis in Gaza. When she cut to commercial, Mika made Freud twirl by saying: “Keep it right here on Morning Jew.” She quickly corrected herself but not before Twitter lit up! Just in case you think I am fibbing you can watch this Jewper here.LOST IN TRANSLATIONA few years ago everyone in Israel was talking about the British-American BBC comedy “Episodes.” It wasn’t airing there but used free online translation a little too freely – and dumbly. It seems in the third episode, Merc Lapidus, a main character was attending his father’s funeral. The gravestone, as per Jewish tradition, was bilingual; in this case English and Hebrew. But the entire Hebrew inscription was not only written backwards, starting with the last letter and working back to the first, but the deceased, Yuhudi Penzel, had been, according to the translation: \"pickled at great expense” which can happen should a popular show use Google Translate to render \"dearly missed\" into Hebrew. Wha? They couldn’t go to a deli and pay a Hebrew speaker in corned beef?STILL LOST
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.A newspaper writer reported buying a bottle of grape juice, describing how Kosher laws demand that fruit is picked from a plant at least four years old. If you pick it younger, the fruit which can’t be eaten is called “orlah” and can't be eaten. Apparently, the bottlers of the juice also chose a cheesy translator. The label assured “us” we could drink it \"without fear that it contains foreskin.\" Mazal tov!AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT THE FUNNIEST …“JEWISH” BLOOPER IN TV HISTORY!Back in the 1960s, actor-singer Ed Ames, who co-starred as Mingo on the TV show “Daniel Boone” was a guest on “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.” Ames and Carson were discussing Ames' tomahawk throwing abilities. When he claimed that he could hit a target from across the room, Carson asked him to demonstrate. A chalk outline of a cowboy was brought out. Ames threw the tomahawk … and hit the \"cowboy.” Oy, where it landed. Ames, a Jew, accidentally “circumcised” his target. This led to what may be the longest laugh by a live audience in TV history. Carson ad-libbed: \"I didn't even know you were Jewish!\" and \"Welcome to Frontier Bris.\" Ames then asked Carson if he would like to take a turn throwing, to which Carson replied: \"I can't hurt him any more than you did.\" Do yourself a favor and watch this jewper here.DANCING TO THE SHOFAR?The place? Texas. A popular among Texas broadcasting circles is the time a station manager’s late programming change from Les Brown’s orchestra to a religious program in recognition of Yom Kippur confused the announcer, who obviously needs a shot of Schnapps and a brain.–He wound up saying to his audience: \"Stay tuned for the dance music of Yom Kippur's Orchestra.\" Obviously, he’s a fan of YK & The Musical Shofars.YOU GOTTA LOVE KIDSOn December 22, 2008 The Rabbi of the Baltimore Hebrew Congregation and his family appeared live on 13 Instant Eye for Hanukkah. Hilarity ensues when one of the Rabbi’s young sons decided to put on his own show behind Dad’s back while he was explaining the holiday and lighting the first candle! The cameraman tried to help but … watch here to see our little mazik determined to make his TV mark. Enjoy!If you or yours have a) seen a “Jewper; b) committed one, by all means post them. The worst that can happen is, you’ll share this embarrassment with a million Jewish people. Who would we tell?
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Jew-Perstitions.htmlJ ew - P e r st ti ionsAug 17, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyM y fa vor e it (O K we r id)Je perwst ti io n s.I’m counting. If I can fly from my computer gobble a mouthful of hummus, and be back within 62 steps, my cable company won’t over charge me –again.I also have “good luck” clothes (my moth-eaten shmattes and bargains), and bad luck clothes (anything I bought retail), which may account for why I show up at the Emmys looking like Gary Busey and am still waiting to do another pilot.Pulling One's Ears When SneezingThen there’s the counting of left-hand blinker noises till the light changes (613). According to my calculations, I’ve racked up enough lucky stuff to end the Middle East conflict. And should I lose? Iquickly change, preferring to believe God wants me to do the opposite, like George Costanza switching from tuna to chicken salad and landing a job with the Yankees.Before you spirit me to a mountaintop OCD clinic, let’s be honest – many of us have been raised with bubbe-meises and folklore used during stressful times in our livesDespite being an avid Member of a Tribe whose sages have made sure we’re a sane, practical people, I admit it. I tend to go along with what was written in Sefer Hasidim, the 13th Century Book of the Pious: “One should not believe in superstitions, but it is best to be heedful of them.”After all, since we’ve done the work, the networking, the hocking, do we need to risk evil eyes? Of course not. So We Jews sometimes feel the need to a) drive them away, b) buy them off, c) trick them. As a result we have a million of “Kine ahoras”, from salting new homes, to baby-naming, to avoiding numbers, to wearing a metal pin when visiting the Negev.Here are three of my favorite (OK weird) Jewperstitions which, if they don’t help, could they hurt? Plus I’ve added a Jewpersition Round Up … -just in case.JEWPERSTITIONS
1-The \"Pooh, Pooh, Pooh\" Spit: Not only was spit a handy dandy shmutz remover, my mother, whose major athletic endeavor was putting on my snow suit, could make the Jewish Guinness Book of World Records for spitting distance, hitting walls from Flushing, New York, to Tel Aviv. Spitting and pooh-ing three times was her prevention for any demon that would/could/might/may ever be evil-eyeing us. For years, I thought I lived in a hurricane zone. Even the great Maimonides was a proponent of the positive value of saliva. Trust me. If his mama had aimed, The Dead Sea would now be “The Wet Sea.” I’ve carried on this bubbe- meise and while my son hasn’t had to take a bath since 1990, he does, however, have an inexplicable fear of sudden bird droppings. 2-Pulling One's Ears When Sneezing: We may not all be athletes, but tugging ears while sneezing does require a certain coordination and timing to avoid shpritzing the neighbors without becoming Velvel Van Gogh. What’s the sneezy story? Until Jacob, some ancients believed that one \"little head explosion” and Boom! Dead. To ward off this catastrophe We Jews started saying “zay gezunt.” And you thought your mama was meshugge? Today we have an allergist on retainer and not one Jewish child plotzed after sneezing! How did ear pulling get all tied up with nasal passage protection? Who knows? But We Jews are still fighting over details, such as “one ear or two.” It's not just narishkeit. Not only have we created a whole range of Jewish sneezery diseases, for example, as “exercise intolerant,” I have it on personal authority that in 1764 a Lithuanian badchen (entertainer), Nachum Nukis, who, from years of tugging, had ears that not only wobbled to and fro, but he could tie them in a bow. And that man gave the world the legendary song: Do your ears hang low?3-Chewing Thread: My bubbe used to make me chew thread! “Mamala, on you, I noticed a button was loose. Stand, I’ll sew.” For years I thought she was, God forbid, afraid she’d lose the spool or swallow the needle. Who knew that –“ALWAYS CHEW THREAD WHENEVER WEARING SOMETHING WHILE SOMEONE IS SEWING ON YOU” was yet another bubbe- meise? According to folk legend, this may come from either “Mir zollen nit farnayen der saychel\" (no one should sew up the brains), or again with the dead, as shrouds are sewn around them. Chewing, then, proves to demons you’re still kicking. Personally, I’d rather prove it with chopped liver breath. And what normal human sews on a person anyway? You couldn’t fix the button before a) sewing it to my chest; b) then making me choke on thread to keep from hitting a vital artery?JEWPERSILLY-STIONS: A ROUND-UP*Eating garlic. Not only will rotten spirits run from you, not one person can have an intimate chat with Uncle Moishe, which considering that his conversation consists of details of the Myrtle Avenue El train, isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.*Licking a screaming baby's eyelids and spitting 3 times. The good news? No evil eye. Of course there’s always the possible of pink eye.*The Hoopoe Love Potent: If a man hangs the tongue of the hoopoe (a “boid” found in Afro- Eurasia) at the right of his heart, he’ll win her hand, hands down. If a woman hangs its left eye on her neck, her husband will love her forever, even if she’s a mieskeit. So, if you want a chuppah, go find cut up a hoopoe.*To open a lock, smear snake fat onto the right foot of a male raven than open. Who am I, Audubon? Much better to call a Gentile with a tool.*Don’t whistle! Apparently, in addition to snatching Jewish happiness, demons like whistling, which of course is why gym teachers are constantly bleating at nice Jewish children who, like me, think softball has to do with matzo density.*If you pass under a camel, you’ll become stupid. If you pass under a vilda chaya during sales day in Loehmann’s you’re stupid. A camel? They should name a whole town after yo –u Chelm.*If you put a finger in your nose you’ll live in fear (Talmud, Pesachim 112a) – no doubt of not getting a second date.So mamalas, should you have anything to add, please do. We all know We Jews need more bubbe-meises to make our world even more complicated! Oh, and safer.
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/JEWPOWERS.htmlJEWPOWERSNov 19, 2016by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWho needs a polygraph when you have the Emmesonator!We Jews have long had more than a nodding acquaintance with superheroes such as Superman, Batman, The Thing. And despite new and daring abilities like futzing with energy and maybe even the power to lead all computers to one insurance company, most of us are still hooked on the usual: flight, speed, strength, and the ability to turn Miami into an Arctic wasteland. But, as usual, could there, might there be superpowers that would fit nicely into our Jewish kops?So today, I present four nifty JEWPOWERS that I know in my kishkes exist somewhere.–JEWPOWERSSUPERPOWER: EMMESNESESDescription: Faster than a polygraph! More powerful than sodium pentothal! Able to leap tall tales with a single twitch! It’s the Emmesonator! This remarkable superpower, Emmesneses, forces those around you to tell the emmes; the absolute truth! With a combo blink-twitch, the emmes will spill like Niagara even in mid-–sentence. Listen …The Emmesonator: “So Harvey, you’re an hour late. Where were you?”Harvey: “Oy, the bus? You couldn’t get a sardine in there so I had to wait –(The Emmesonator blink-twitches) … to win back the $100 I lost in the Poker game to that gonif, Meyer. Ha! Not only did I win back, I also made a profit I was going to spend on a present you’d love – blink-twitch() … for myself Yes. Another golf trip with the boys to Miami. All for me!!
Ancillary Powers/Benefits/Issues: Picture it. Your son asks for the car to attend a seminar? Blink-twitch. NAMED JUDI. Another unusual aspect of the Emmesonator is the answer “Fantastic” to the question: “How are you?”Famous Jewish Emmesonators Yitzak J. Feinberger: , an unsung fruit man in Fairfax, Virginia, saw young George Washington hock away at a cherry tree with such delight. “Young man,” said Yitzak, putting his cart down, “What’s with the hatchet and the hocking?” Six-year-old George, said … “Ye nice Jew fruit person are mistaken. I was … prun .” -As legend has it, Yitzak blink-twitched at George who stopped and said … “playing. I cannot tell a lie, and now I shall tell papa.”SUPERPOWER: TOYSHNOCITYDescription: With laser-like focus, the Toyshnik can change, alter, add, and re-arrange body parts. All it takes is a mental image and BOOM! Just imagine. You can, for example:1.Have eyes behind your head! Literally! Your brother says he’s no longer having coffee with that block macher who reported you to the IRS? “Ha! I saw you!”2.Be all ears. Better than the Man of Steel even, you not only have super hearing, you can super hear everything going on at once. You can listen in on your mother, your children, your boss, your neighbors, not to mention tune-in on any anti-Semitic remarks from people in elevators.3.Lend a free hand! You and Becky are shopping and shlepping bags. She bought 18 jars of gefilte fish on sale two for one. “Oy, could I use a hand,” she moans. Grow one and give. Now that’s a mitzvah.4.Stick your neck out! You see a bully. A gonif is casing your backyard. The deli man is charging for paper he’s weighing in between the lox slices. Go darlings, make like a giraffe! They’ll plotz with more fear than if you were head of the IDF.5.Afford an arm and a leg! When you complain to the manager of Elite furnishings that his antique armoire costs an arm and a leg? Offer! Trust me. He’ll give it to you.Ancillary Powers/Benefits/Issues: Warning from the J-LOS (Jewish League of Superpowers): “Toyshnocity, or the power to maneuver body parts, includes restoration to the original state. In 5% of Toyshniks tested, however, there was some residual effect. Therefore, it is recommended that the Toyshnik use these powers wisely or risk ‘sticking’. For example, if you go belly up, you could eat your heart out or beat your brains out by accident.”Famous Jewish Toyshniks: David, the young lad who slew the 10 foot narish-khaye, Goliath, was suspected when Saul turned to his wife and said … “With just a sling and a rock that boychik knocked that giant in the head?! Feh. I’m telling you, he turned himself into
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Behemoth!” She reportedly said: “Oy, now your jealousy is turning you into a Toyshnikaphobe?”Have one of your own? Share darlings!SUPERPOWER: SHANAMATIONDescription: The ability to stop others from communicating instantly. With one cross of an eye, not only does the SHAnamator have the power to stop the shmendrick, the vilda chaya, the yenta in mid-yutzery, but forces the offender to make nice. Listen …A Yenta: “When I saw your daughter in that outfit, I said ‘Miriam! You look just like a –(SHAnamator looks at her cross-eyed) … ripe piece fruit.’ Here darling, take my Harry & David pear … my last one for a whole season.”Ancillary Powers/Benefits/Issues: The SHAnamator is highly popular at shul committee meetings, Bar Mitzvahs and break fasts. The SHAnamator’s nemesis? Sunglasses! Especially German ones with names derived from Kindertagesstatte.Famous Jewish SHAnamators: ShanaMaydel. Few people know she was, in reality, the wife of Moses, who Sha’d the unruly Sinai crowd so her husband could get in Ten Sentences without interruption.SUPERPOWER: FLIEGELEPPETHYDescription: No doubt the most common unknown Jewperpower, the Fliegeleptic can flap and trace the nearest chicken or its parts with uncanny accuracy. Why is this important?Listen. A certain Mrs. Flickenhiner was in Angola last year. Now, Angolans stopped importing fowl from the U.S. because of their fear we’re poisoning them. OK, true, a few bad cluckers had gotten through. Yet not one Jew she ever knew got a deadly flu from a pulke or a pupik! Two weeks later her Marvin was chaloshing from fowl-deprivation. She decided enough was enough, flapped her arms, and there she saw it! A perfect roast chicken smuggled by the one Jewish family of Luanda. They paid a visit … on a Friday … at sundown. Turns out the balaboste was also a Fliegeleptic! What are the chances?Ancillary Powers/Benefits/Issues: In a strong wind, if her hat or sheitel has long bangs or scarfs, the Fliegeleptic could take off toward the chicken should she flap hard enough.––Famous Jewish Fliegeleptics: Golde of Anatevka, wife of Tevye. In that underfed, overworked tumble-down town, who do you think supplied all the chickens in the Sabbath scene? Yenta the Matchmaker spread the word that Golde was actually THE GOLDEN CLUCKER.
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Jews-and-July-4th.htmlJews and July 4thJun 27, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauleyhere ere o erwv 2000J ew s inc loon ia l A m eri ca an m nday too p rkat tinh e Revolutionary War. Here’s their story.Picture it. A Jew in a waistcoat, knee breeches, holding a shotgun? Yet of the over 2000 Jews in colonial America, many adult Jewish males took part in the Revolutionary War from fighting to financing. A few were royalists, but most American Jews supported the fight for independence.\"I am a Jew; I do not despair that we shall obtain every privilege we aspire to enjoy along with our fellow citizens.\"As is often the case, we not only came, some of us conquered, playing a decisive role in American Independence. In fact, had it not been for Jewish Americans, we might be chowing down on fish and chips instead of beans and franks.Here’s a sampling:SOUTHERN JEWRYFrancis Salvador: Legendary Southern PatriotIn 1774, Francis Salvador, a recent arrival from England, is the holder of several Revolutionary records. He was elected to the First Provincial Congress in Charleston in 1774, making him the first professed American Jew to hold such a high elective office. The following year, when a South Carolina republic was established, he signed and stamped the new currency. A volunteer militiaman, participating in an expedition against Indians and Tories, he was also the first Jew to die for his country. He was killed early in the war (August 1, 1776) by Cherokee
loyalists in an ambush near the Keowee River. Salvador’s commander described this scene to South Carolina President, John Rutledge. “With a savage head wound, he asked whether the enemy had been beaten. He was glad ... and then said farewell.”The bicentennial celebration of the Jewish community of Charleston, 1950, included the creation of a commemorative stone in honor of the patriot. The inscription starts: \"First Jew In South Carolina To Hold Public Office And To Die For American Independence.”The Jews Company: 1780Such a large number of Southern Jews wanted to join the Revolutionary cause, Captain Richard Lushington, a Jew from Charleston, South Carolina, formed what was known as “the Jews’ Company” which included 28 Jews comprising about half his men.Mordechai Sheftall and Philip MinisA merchant and son of a Jewish colonist who arrived in 1733, Mordecai Sheftall, chaired the committee in Savannah, Georgia, enforcing the decisions of the American patriots against British interests in 1775. The meeting is also attended by Philip Minis, also a son of one of the original Jewish colonists. In 1778, Sheftall, was appointed Deputy Commissary General for federal troops in Georgia and South Carolina. Late in the year, as Savannah's defenses are overrun by British troops, many American soldiers escaped by swimming across the Savannah River. British troops captured Sheftall who stayed behind with his teenage son, Levi. The following year, Philip Minis, a member of Georgia’s patriot committee and Levi Sheftall were guides to French and American forces in their attempt to recapture Savannah from the British.In 1782, the Jewish community in Philadelphia, with an increased population of Jews from other cities, under Sheftall’s leadership, built its first permanent synagogue and Haym Salomon, a financier of the revolution, was a major financial contributor.THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WAR CHEST: HAYM SALOMONThere is scarcely a USian who hasn’t heard of the sacrifices of Haym Salomon. It could be said that this Polish-born Jew who came to New York in 1772, was largely responsible for us beating the Brits.Salomon acted as a secret agent in British-occupied New York City. After fleeing to Philadelphia in 1778 to escape arrest, his financial skills helped rescue the Continental government. He acted as supplier to American troops and as paymaster general to French forces assisting the patriots. Along with Robert Morris he raised funds for the colonial coffers. Salomon also loaned gelt at nominal rates to members of the Continental Congress in need, among them James Madison. An ardent Jew, in 1782, he made the largest contribution toward the building of the Mikveh Israel Congregation. In 1784, he stated in print: \"I am a
Jew; I do not despair that we shall obtain every privilege we aspire to enjoy along with our fellow citizens.\" At the time of his death, January 6, 1785, he was technically bankrupt. His heirs claimed that the U.S. government still owed him in excess of $350,000 and I doubt –that’s with interest.In Chicago there is a statue linking Washington, Salomon and Robert Morris, with the words: \"...The government of the United States which gives to bigotry no sanction to persecution no assistance.\"“FRANKLY” SPEAKING …Colonel Isaac Franks: Known as George Washington’s right-hand man, the two became dear friends when, on November 1 in 1793, he provided his home in Germantown, Pennsylvania to the future first President when, on his way to the Third Continental Congress in Philly, the yellow fever epidemic hit. Washington and Franks remained good friends and he became the first Jew to have his portrait painted by Gilbert Stuart.A Family Affair: Isaac Frank’s sister Rachael married … Haym Solomon!David Salisbury Franks, a distant relation to Isaac, had a checkered but colorful career! In 1780, when Benedict Arnold turned his coat by tipping off the British of the American surrender of the fort at West Point, his aide de camp was none other than David Franks. This was not mazel. He, along with Arnold’s other aides were arrested. He was acquitted, but outraged, requested an additional court inquiry to completely clear his name. Franks was promoted and given 400 acres of land. (Is this Jewish or what?) It gets better. He became a diplomatic courier carrying documents to Benjamin Franklin in Paris and John Jay in Madrid. But more … in 1784 he was appointed vice consul in Marseilles, France, becoming the first Jew to serve in a U.S. diplomatic post.WE WON, LET’S EATIn a great parade in Philadelphia in 1788 to honor Pennsylvania's ratification of the U. S. Constitution, the chazan (cantor) of the synagogue marched arm and arm with two clergymen. At the public feast that accompanied the celebration there was a table with kosher food that, according to one participant consisted of \"soused salmon bread and crackers, almonds, raisins, and more.\"A PRESIDENT IS SWORN IN!When George Washington was elected the first president of the newly formed republic of the United States his 1789 inauguration was held at Federal Hall on Wall Street in Manhattan.Noted Jewish leader Gershom Mendes Seixas, chazan of New York's Jewish congregation, was one of 14 religious leaders who attend the ceremonies.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.And so, the United States of America owes a great debt to We Jews. On this July 4 , may we thcelebrate the debt that’s been paid … and those still to pay to insure the independence of our Jewish nation, Israel.
Savehttps://www.aish.com/j/f/Jews-and-US-Independence-Day.htmlJews and U.S. Independence DayJul 1, 2017by Marnie Winston-MacauleySecret messages were sent in Yiddish?!Most of us have heard of Haym Soloman, the Jew who was largely responsible for providing the war chest during the Revolutionary War. But did you know that his legendary life was often bumpy, involving jail sentences, covert activities, and poverty at the time of his death and lawsuits? Or that a tiny Dutch Island run by mostly Jews, was key to winning the war? Or a British born colonial Jew, a Loyalist named Abraham Wagg, wagged his tongue and mostly his pen to high British officials, offering himself as peacemaker?A tiny Dutch Island run by mostly Jews, was key to winning the war?We Jews were 2500 strong during colonial times, yet our investment in the war, as usual, far outweighed out numbers. But more, our very engagement marked a critical change in the status of Jews in theNew World, giving us the right and freedom to fullyparticipate in both war and peace. For example, did you know that at the time, in Britain, Jews could only become officers if they took a Christian oath? In this new land, Jews were allowed and did serve as officers ranking as high as colonel. About 15 of the 100 Jewish soldiers on the American side served as officers in the colonial army, which roughly matched the proportion in the army as a whole. We also played a major role in finance, privateering, and supplying Colonial troops. Jew and non-Jew alike worked side by side, without legal hindrance a major factor of a new sort of Jewish freedom which –laid the groundwork for future acceptance of Jews in U.S. society. Let’s look at just a few.*Safety in Savannah
The name? Mordecai Sheftall. And like all good Jews, he organized a committee in 1776 and became Chairman of a Committee of Safety in Savannah. His mission?To remove gunpowder from a ship and send it to Boston for Washington’s army. Now, at the time, the governor of Georgia, was a royalist and a tattletale. He whined to London that the Jews “were found to a man to have been violent rebels and persecutors of the King’s loyal subjects. They must not be allowed to return to Georgia.” The result? The Disqualifying Act of 1780, in which the British listed Mordecai Sheftall as “chairman of the Rebel Parochial Committee,” who interfered with the King’s business (like it wasn’t his!). This act stopped Georgians from future political activity in the state, excluding, in addition to Moredcai, shopkeepers Levi Sheftall, Sheftall Sheftall, Philip Minis, Cushman Polock, and Philip Jacob Cohen.*David Franks: A Patriot with a Few HolesThis patriot was also a suspect several times. This is not mazel. And the VIPs got it wrong. –Twice. The Philadelphia-born Franks (1743) started a business in Montreal after the British took over in 1763. As it happened there was a statue of King George lll who had his own problems that was “graffitied” with “This is the pope of Canada and the fool of England.” He had a mouth. And spent a week in jail for sedition. Maybe not the greatest judge of character, who does this luckless man hook up with? Benedict Arnold. (See what I mean? Mazel-less!)It seems he met Arnold in Montreal and hung around. After Benedict got into tsouris, Franks wanted to clear his name. He did. The court agreed with Franks, writing: “Every part of MajorD.S. Franks’ conduct was not only unexceptionable but reflects the highest honor on him as an officer, distinguished him as a zealous friend to the independence of America, and justly entitles him to the attention and confidence of his countrymen.” OK, we move on.Between 1781 and 1787, he shuttled between Europe and America working for Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, John Jay, and other American diplomats in Europe. In fact, did you know that early in 1784, Franks carried to Europe one of the three copies of the peace treaty ratified by Congress. His rep suffered among the VIPS. In a letter Jefferson wrote to James Madison, he described Frank’s character. While Franks had a good heart, he had loose lips. Meanwhile his resume didn’t suffer. He became vice-consul at Marseille and participating in the negotiation of a treaty with Morocco, which, in 1787, he brought back to America. His rep among the bigwigs was still dicey. Jefferson wrote to Madison “… Doubtless he will be asking some appointment. I wish there may be one for which he is fit,” describing Franks as “light, indiscreet, active, honest, affectionate.” Which, nebuch, are qualities you look for in a dog walker.*Who Needs Harvard? Playing Doctor
Is this a doctor or what? I’m talking about Philip Moses Russell, who, born in Philadelphia enlisted with the colonials as a surgeon’s mate in 1777. So what if he didn’t have medical training? Yet, with a scalpel he served in the Battle of Brandywine, and, due to the rotten weather at Valley Forge (1777-1778), his sight and hearing wasn’t terrific. Plus, we need to add exhaustion. Yet, in 1780, General Washington gave him a special commendation “for his assiduous and faithful attention to the sick and wounded, as well as his cool and collected deportment in battle.”*S.S.G (Smuggling, Spying, and Gelting)Here he is. The greatest of them all, Hyam Salomon. If this isn’t a Jew who deserves a Revolutionary star, who is? Hyam held the titles: “Broker to the Office of Finance of the United States,” as well as “Treasurer of the French Army in America.” The Polish-born (Lissa, 1740) Salomon who, at 32, immigrated to New York in 1772, continued his European career as a currency trader. At the start of the revolution, he traded Continental currency for hard Dutch and French currencies. He kept the revolutionary coffers afloat. But the price was high in life –and in death. We back up.Earlier, after a fire that destroyed much of New York City, the British forces imprisoned Salomon. Realizing his language skills could be useful with British German mercenaries, they released him. The crafty Salomon, however, covertly encouraged the Hessians to desert.Arrested again ( 1778) Salomon had his property confiscated. He was sentenced to hang. Probably with the help of the Sons of Liberty, Salomon escaped and fled without a penny to –Philadelphia where his wife, the well-known Rachel Franks, and their child joined him.In Philadelphia, Salomon resumed his brokerage business. The French Minister appointed him paymaster general of the French forces fighting for the American cause. The Dutch, and Spanish governments also used him to support their loans to the Continental Congress.In 1781, Congress established the Office of Finance to save the colonists from fiscal ruin. Salomon allied himself with Superintendent of Finance William Morris and became a star brokering bills of exchange to meet colonial expenses. It gets better. Not only did he supply the colonials with war gelt … things got personal as he gave interest-free loans to machers, including Madison. Madison confessed that \"I have for some time ... been a pensioner on the favor of Haym Salomon, a Jew broker.\" Eh …. Hmmmm.Salomon was also a macher in Jewish affairs. He was on the governing council of Philadelphia's Congregation Mikveh Israel, treasurer of Philadelphia's society for indigent travelers, and was part of the nation's first known rabbinic court of arbitration. Salomon led the successful fight to repeal the test oath which barred Jews from holding public office in Pennsylvania.
Praise and statues he got. Repayment, he didn’t. The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp hailing Salomon as a \"Financial Hero of the American Revolution.\" A monument to Salomon, George Washington and Robert Morris is on East Wacker Drive in Chicago. Beverly Hills, California, is home to an organization called the American Jewish Patriots and Friends of Haym Salomon.However, Salomon, who died in 1785 left a wife and four young children in debt. When his heirs tried to claim monies owed from the U.S. government they got bupkes.–This is an odd, but fascinating example of cliché gone wrong. In 1784, in defense of Jews being considered Shylocks, he wrote a critical article protesting the unjust charges, saying: that such charges were \"cast so indiscriminately on the Jews of this city at large . . . for the faults of a few.\" His passionate defense brought him national approbation.Most important, his risks and sacrifices, human and financial, are forever linked to idealism and the success of the Revolution, and freedom.*An Island in the American SunHow many of us have heard of St. Eustatius or thought it was a middle-ear disease. Yet this Dutch Caribbean Island, through mostly Jews, smuggled vital goods through the British blockade. Moses and Company based in Amsterdam, made sure goods were shipped through local Jewish shippers to American ports. And yes, they suffered. In 1781, when British Admiral George Rodney seized the island, punishment was meted out. The truth is, through Jewish wholesale merchants provided the colonials with gunpowder, clothes, and other essential goods. Bernard and Michael Gratz, sent uniforms. Josephs Simon sent rifles. Virtually none of these who risked their business and their lives were paid or re-paid.Jewish shippers and smugglers also played a key role in supplying the American cause. Jews from the Dutch Caribbean island St. Eustatius smuggled vital goods through the British blockade. One firm that had particular success in smuggling goods was Isaac Moses and Company. The Amsterdam-based firm, in accordance with Dutch sympathies, shipped goods to St. Eustatius and local Jewish shippers transported them to American ports. In 1781, when British forces under Admiral George Rodney seized the island, its population, and particularly the Jews, were punished for their assistance to the American cause. When on July 4 , 1776, ththeDeclaration of Independence was written, a copy was sent to Amsterdam via St. Eustatius. It was intercepted by the British. A letter with the Declaration was also intercepted, and thought to be a secret code about the document that needed to be deciphered the letter was –written in Yiddish!Yes. We Jews, fought, suffered, and many wound up bankrupt … all because they chose to caste their fate with the fledgling country: America.
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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Jews_Love_Questions.htmlJews Love QuestionsMar 5, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyTo be or not to be? You call that a good question?\"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?\" “How should they answer?” – Dear AbbyI was raised in a “Yinglish” speaking household. Before age three, I’d already soaked up 3,000 -years of Yiddishkeit. But more, unbeknownst to me, I assumed that’s how the world worked.Until college. One Jew among a 100 Gentiles is like throwing a rock in a pond. The concentric circles I created went from the East River past the Mighty Mississippi. By Winter break, my young dorm mates were returning home to places like Missoula, Zwingle, and Chugwater, shocking their parents with:“I see you got a ‘D’ in physics.” “Who am I, Einstein?!”“What? Passing isn’t enough for you?” \"And my ‘A’ in Viking Lit means bupkes?” “From physics I’ll make a living? “But more, they learned the Queen of Yiddishisms! Answering a question with a question! After all, I’d spent my tender years not answering questions by asking more questions.A typical discussion:MA: \"A Mrs. Goldman in the beauty parlor mentioned there’s a youth group at the shul, so you’ll run over now?\"ME: “Which Mrs. Goldman? Marvin’s mom?MA: “So once he wore his pants on backwards?” DAD: “Is she Marvin’s Mrs. Goldman?”MA: “I ask questions under the dryer? What am I, a genealogist?!”
BUBBE: “A mother lets a son go out that way?!” ME: “Can I finish my homework now?”MA: “Why do I bother?”I was 12 then. But the years only increased my question to question-non-answer ratio.ME: “Isn’t it a gorgeous day?”MA: “So the sun is out. Should I do a cartwheel?” ME: “I found a great used car!”DAD: “And who can afford the insurance?”ME: “It’s so nice out, why don’t we take a drive?”BUBBE: “On Sunday? With the crowds? Who drives on a Sunday?” ME: “I haven’t called in a week. So what’s new?”ALL: “You didn’t wonder about Bubbe’s bursitis?” ME: “Bursitis? Why didn’t you call me?”ALL: “Why bother you?!”Needless to say, I was 25 before I could form a declarative sentence.Before we dismiss this odd speech pattern to merely “more exaggerated stereotyping,” Leo Rosten, in his seminal The Joys of Yiddish not only confirmed this syntax as a specifically Jewish trait, but viewed “the question” as one way to distinguish between Jew and Gentile! Questioning, deriving from Talmudic debate imbues us with the unusual tradition of saying: “I believe! But nu, if I ask You’ll ‘show me?’” But more, through skepticism we analyzed the often treacherous world around us, and learned that an answer may be dangerous, misleading, obvious, unknown, or unnecessary.A Classic ...Morris and Izzy were sitting over tuna salad discussing the meaning of the cosmos. “Life,” said Morris, “is life a bowl of tuna fish.”Izzy considered, “So, why is life like a bowl of tuna fish?” “How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?”While today, with assimilation, stylistic lines have “crossed over,” our propensity to “ASK?” still lingers in conversation, debate, music, and of course, in our humor! In humor and every day speech, we verbal Jews have even created “helper” words and phrases. With a simple flip of a verb, or a change in cadence, with typical Yiddishe flair, we’ve heightened, punched, and yes, evoked more implied “questions”
The Shift: The ploy of emphasizing particular words in a question, not only changes the question, it leads to yet another question! Take “Is this a serious relationship?” Simple question right? Not right.QUESTION IMPLIED QUESTIONIs this a serious relationship?Is this a serious relationship?Is this a seriousrelationship?Is this a seriousrelationship?Or shall I wait for elephants to fly? Finally ... before I die?Or are you futzing around, as usual?Or darling, am I closer with my butcher?“Nu?” says Farber \"Nu,\" says Lipshitz \"Nu!\" says Farber \"Nu??\" says Lipshitz \"Nu?!!\" says Farber\"I'll send the check Tuesday!\" NU?!”NU? Next to “oy,”“nu” is probably the most versatile word in Yiddish, capable of conveying a sigh, grimace, sneer, pride, scorn, delight ... or the ultimate question: “Did you hear?” or “Do you believe ...?”NU QUESTION IMPLIED NU QUESTION...“I saw you talking to that yenta, nu?!”“Nu, you think I stopped her on the street?”What’s the story?!I should believe that?“And the next time ... Nu? ” Have you learnedyour lesson?“Nu, I’m in charge of streets?”What? You can’t cross a road?
“Maybe.” The adverb, meaning uncertainty/perhaps, as in “Maybe we should bake the brisket a trifle longer,” turns into a Yinglish question with a little creative placement.QUESTION IMPLIED QUESTION...“You expected maybeNatalie Portman?”Who else would I be?“You’remaybe joking?”If not, you wanta klop?“You’ll pledge maybe a 100 Or dollars?”maybe more?“So ... ?” The most overworked (and extraneous) word in Yinglish has to be “so” (without a comma). In fact, “so” often turns whole statements into whole questions!QUESTION IMPLIED QUESTION...“So I put the leftovers in You don’t want lunchyour purse?”“So the Epsteins moved Is it my business?into a two bedroom?” “So you’ve got a headache?”tomorrow, mamala? I’ve had one 30 years. Do I complain?“Already,” as in: “He was already quite dead when we retrieved the knife from his chest” said Sherlock; “already” meaning “previously.” We Jews, however, have co-opted this word to add an extra zetz to our queries.QUESTION IMPLIED QUESTION...Already he’s starting up?Two minutes, it took?You’realready stuffed? More brisket?Isn’t it enough with the arguing already?You want my head should explode?
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.So, is the question, just a question that leads to a question? Or is it more? Anyone who speaks or has grown up with Yiddish also knows its majesty. Honed by Talmudic scholarship, which has transcended time as a virtual question-answer debate, the form has also formed and given voice to our fears, hopes, dreams, and passion.Coming from a place of marginalization and anxiety, we Jews knew that before answering any general question, it was wiser (and safer) to find out where we stand in the equation before making a comment which required a confidence, a strength we weren’t allowed on the world stage.Yet, as usual we also turned the “gruel” of the Question to “kishke!” In America, we were not only given more opportunity to speak, but we used the “Question” with exquisite nuance to touch the kishkes, the soul, of Jews and Gentiles alike.A rabbi once said: \"We are closer to God when we are asking questions than when we think we have the answers.\"And of course, there’s the inimitable Gertrude Stein who asked in her typical style: \"Suppose no one asked a question, what would be the answer?\"
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Jewstalgia.htmlJewstalgiaJan 24, 2009by Marnie Winston-MacauleyJoin me as I take a trip down memory lane…at the buffet.It's 2009. My son has just returned from the Dollar Store.\"Hey, ma, look at this!\" he says, holding up a small green box. \"They're called 'Jujubes' - fromyour day. Whoa! I almost broke a tooth on one of those. They're like rocks!\"\"You don't know how to eat them. The cool part was to soften them up enough to chomp then glue your teeth together,\" I said, wistfully. \"Isn't it great?\"He gives me his \"glue-factory\" look, shrugs, dumps the box and heads for his \"virtual\" room.Jujubes! Ah ... yes. I remember my \"ju\"-joy, circa 1950s. Loews in Queens. The box lasted through the whole double feature: \"The House on Haunted Hill\" and \"The Blob\"My \"Ju\"-Joy leads to a flood of nostalgia, or in my case - J e w st l a g ia .My \"Ju\"-Joy leads to a flood of nostalgia, or in my case - Jewstalgia. And I realize how long I've been Jewstalgic for all the places, all the times of my life that have just gone missing. And like any goodJewess most involve, what else? Food.Join me?1.The Candy Store: No. I'm not talking Scharffen Berger or Section 7A of Wal-Mart. The 1950s Candy Store had a name. \"Switzers,\" \"Blooms\" \"Fleigelmans.\" Small, messy, it was a micro universe that smelled of \"sweet,\" sour balls, and sawdust. Part soda fountain, part newspaper and comic central, part candy land, it was a hang-out for the \"over thirteens\" (\"tweenies,\" and \"teens\" had yet to be \"invented\"), and a reward for us kids. (\"If you're good, we'll go to Switzers!)Ah ... to once again swivel on the round, red chairs with the Band-Aid covering the rips, in front of the \"fount'n.\" Ice cream soda glasses for an egg cream or foamy root beer float, were a foot high - with two straws for sharing. And the sweets! Rows of button candy stuck to
paper I never quite liberated, Neccos, Blow Pops, Jujubes, Chunkies, wax lips. And Sen-Sen - for papa!If I was really really \"good,\" ma let me turn the wire newspaper display stands. As she picked up The Forvards, I'd grab the latest Archie, and Little Lulu. Best yet, if salty Mr. Switzer was in a good mood, he might just give me a salty pretzel from the long glass jar - without me plopping a penny on the counter!2.A Shortie- Bonomo's Turkish Taffy: \"B-O... N-O... M-O... Oh, Oh, Oh... it Bonomo's... Turkish Taaaaaaafy!\" It wasn't taffy. But it was Turkish. Or Jewish Turkish! (Mr. Bonomo was Sephardic.) But ... the nougat vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, or banana bar you could whack into pieces or stretch out, eroded slower than the White Cliffs of Dover.3.Seltzer and The Man: No, it's not a cancelled sitcom, but an essential to life as we knew it. Club soda?! Feh. Only a meshugener would compare champagne to \"swamp\" water! Seltzer, the real stuff, brought by the soda man, was a unique sensory experience -- from the pouring to the kishkas. But more. Those sharp bubblies alone cut through everything from shmaltz- induced acid reflux - to Zayde's prune juice stain on the carpet. (And made a handy-dandy fire extinguisher.) Every week, Tim, The Seltzer Man, would deliver cases of the ubiquitous elixir in slatted wooden cases containing clear or blue syphon bottles.OK, true. Sometimes you got a dud (Maybe one out of five). You'd squeeze the metal \"handl\" as bubbe called it, and ... bupkes. Not even a shpritz! Poor Bubbe. The Empress of Leftovers would put a half-filled glass of seltzer in the Frigidaire. Till her dying day, she \"vondered vere\" the bubblies went.4.The Egg Cream: For a few cents more, seltzer, or \"two-cents plain\" at the soda fountain, could be transformed into the most delightfully sweet confection known to the Jewish palate. Add a little milk, U-Bet chocolate syrup, and Boom! An Egg Cream. And no, it doesn't contain either an egg or cream. But who cared? Where it started? Who knows? But controversial it is. (Although we do know its roots are Jewish, New York City.)Theory One: The famous Auster's candy store. Lower East Side, 1890s. The owner tinkered with chocolate and seltzer. Boris Thomashevsky, the Yiddish actor, returned from Paris extolling the virtues of a drink called \"chocolat et creme.\" To Auster, \"chocolat et creme\" sounded like \"chocolate egg cream.\" Thus, the eggless chocolate drink was named!Theory Two: According to Professor Daniel Bell, his uncle, Hymie Fredkin invented the luscious concoction. At his candy store near Auster's (above), he mixed chocolate syrup, chocolate ice cream, and an egg, then added milk and reversed the spigot on the seltzer. He
called his drink \"Uncle Hymie's Egg Cream.\" During the Depression, as eggs and ice cream were expensive, he tinkered and made it with chocolate syrup and milk.Whatever the real origin, egg cream became a Jewish institution.5.The \"Derma Road,\" The Catskills: Famous Route 23 took us to Yiddishe Wonderland: A resort in the Catskill Mountains. On the way, was Howard Johnson's (verrry Goyishe, but at least it wasn't called \"HoJos\") - or boring fast food chains. Besides, who cared? Grossinger's alone could feed every Jew in Brooklyn - with one lunch serving. These platinum \"shtetls\" were self-contained opulent universes, where a person could sleep, eat, shop, swim, eat, get your hair done, take lessons, eat, be entertained, enter contests, eat, play Simon Says, find a mate, eat -- and never leave the premises.Every meal was a Bar Mitzvah- like buffet\"Eating\" wasn't a biological necessity, it was an avocation! Every meal was a Bar Mitzvah-like buffet, with endless Borscht, lokshen soup, kneidlach, tzimmis, kreplach, brisket, kasha, chopped liver,herring, gefilte fish, chicken (any which a-way), challah, lox, bagels, whitefish, blintzes, knishes, matzoh balls, kugel, huluptzes, strudel, rugelach, taiglach, kichel, and of course, stuffed derma. As much as you wanted ... which made \"waddling\" to the pool to cool off from such culinary exertion, a mekhaye! (Even if you went in up to your ankles, for no more than 90 seconds.)\"Eating\" was also a good look-see op for the shadchan. The better resorts provided the services of a \"marriage broker,\" who, while mama and papa were \"essing,\" was eyeing the marriageable \"kinder\" for possible matches across a crowded dining room. The primary requirement? Breathing - even from a tube. (\"Bubbala, you're 23 already. No one's perfect!\")At night, the Jewish stars came out! In the club, a singer and comic on the rise ... Freddie Roman, Jerry Lewis, Buddy Hackett, Totie Fields ... would entertain, covering half the resorts in one night. The lesser-known would also \"double\" as Social Directors, leading Simon Says by day for a shot at the \"big-time\" at night. We'd \"clack\" our approval with wooden \"lollipop\" sticks. (Face it, after 50 pounds of brisket, who had the strength to clap?)If you were lucky, you might even see Buddy Hackett having a bagel and lox - in the coffee shop! (We did!) Which of course, reminds me of the Appetizing Store (back when \"appetizing\" was also an adjective). Ma would regale the whole neighborhood with every moment and morsel of our trip on that whitefish line, and later at The Beauty Parlor, where -
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.\"Ma?\" My son has left his sanctum and re-joined me. \"So ... you softened them first?\" \"What?\" I ask. \"These,\" he answers, picking up the green Jujube box thoughtfully. \"Right. Want to try it?\" \"Maybe later. Would you like to watch a DVD? \"Sure. You got 'House on Haunted Hill,' by any chance? I ask.\" \"As a matter of fact I do!\" \"Great. Move over. And pass me the jujubes!?\"A little Jewstalgia, it seems goes a long way.If you'd like to share, we'd love to hear YOUR Jewstalgia! Take a glass seltzer ... and post a bissel in the comments section!
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Jewstalgia_Part_2.htmlJewstalgia: Part 2Jan 31, 2009by Marnie Winston-MacauleyJoin me on another trip down memory lane.The \"fount'n\" in the Candy Store, long salted penny prezels, egg creams, button candy stuck to paper you never quite liberated, Neccos, Blow Pops, Jujubes, Chunkies, wax lips, Sen-Sen, \"B-O... N-O... M-O... ,\" creaky, wire comic book stands, the soda man, seltzer in shpritz bottles, Catskill resorts, shadchans ...They've all \"gone missing\" and I miss –them, the times, the places, the smells of my youth. \"The Candy Store,\" for one, had an aroma of distinction that defies duplication! Years, it takes, to get the precise combination of old newspapers, U-Bet, sour balls, and salt dust. But should I ever be in a coma ... a single whiff and I'd be doing the Hora.This is the stuff of Jewstalgia!Last week, I left off watching \"The Blob,\" and teaching my son how to mold his teeth together with a Jujube.It just now melted.This week, join me on another trip down memory lane. So let's link arms, chant \"shlemiel/shlemazl\" and miss every crack in the sidewalk or –you-know-what.I was wandering, like Moses, lost between Macy's and Sears, despite the maps who am I?- Magellan?The Neighborhood Store = The very first time I entered a \"mall\"... I fainted. A Tweetie in a sea of Syvlesters, these are not places for short Jewish people. Between the mass of pressing flesh, the fearof never seeing my car again (Level 12, Q3 ... Level12, Q3 ... orange, orange, orange), and, wandering, like Moses, lost between Macy's and Sears, despite the maps (Who am I? Magellan?), I passed
out. Most walked on me, assuming I was a new design feature, like a not-so-picturesque bridge. Until some nice Jewish person over age 30 would recognize a landsmen and come lead me out.My Jewstalgia's in full force, wondering whatever happened to those small shops on the \"avenue\" where, long before Cheers, \"everybody knew your name\" OK, your –mother's name.\"I'm going to Springfield,\" she'd say, donning a regal walk. That's what we called our \"shopping\" area. And my mother was the \"Sadie of Springfield Boulevard.\" Her Queensdom was the two blocks of stores (plus side streets) where you could find, among others, Moshe, the Kosher butcher, next to Sammy's deli, across from Switzers, the candy store, alongside Firestein's Fruit, cater corner from Abie's Appetizing, two doors down from Handelman's drug store on one side, and Maurice's Beauty Parlour on the other. All the Sadies shopped, sure.But mostly, they gossiped, advised, sent news, savored and fought with each other and the proprietors.And all comprised a distinct community over which my mother believed to her dying day, she ruled with distinction over all the other \"Sadies of Springfield.\"It was proved. At her Shiva, from Seymour the fish man to Selma, her \"nail\" lady, each mourned my mother as \"family\" and told anecdotes that confirmed her exalted and beloved \"Sadie\" status.More, it was an inherited title. When she took me with her, even at age ten, I was granted her status as the \"Sadie-on-Becoming\" at every shop. My favorite was Mr. Handelman and his drug store.Mr. Handelman's Drugstore = Today's pharmacies are or are in mega-markets. Even if the druggist knew your name, he can't pronounce it in his native tongue, and points to impenetrable \"childproof\" aspirin boxes one aisle over next to the peaches.––How I miss my \"Doc\" Handelman! Part family physician, part cosmetician, part counselor, he knew more about me than I did. It was \"Doc\" who got me through my record-breaking chicken pox outbreak, my evil frizz during my Molly Bee ponytail stage, and those disastrous prom night zit attacks. Always on the job, he called me the minute a new straightening goo came in, to see how my allergies were doing, and remind me I'd need Midol on Monday. It –was with \"Doc,\" I discussed everything from diets and mud packs, to picture frames, and girdle thingies. Magically, he had it all in a space a little larger than a Starbucks.Sixty-two-year-old Isaac \"Doc\" Handleman was \"my guy.\" When I went off to college, His brother Herb, the accountant, reported a significant drop in business, while \"Doc's\" beloved wife, Dora, reported some minor depression, both of which coincided with my departure from
\"Springfield Boulevard.\"He wrote my parents: \"Ven's mine Marnie coming home?!\" The feeling was definitely mutual.Only the nail polish was red. All 57 shades.The \"Beauty Parlor\" -The last time I had a hair cut, it was in some gender-free, nickel brushed, feng shui Biosphere where strangers didn't dare look at,nevermind talk to you. No. They were entertained by plasma screens showing \"Tropical fish,\" while sipping wine--not Manischewitz. I was in labor shorter than I waited for \"Gustav Louis,\" the \"stylist's\"assistant assigned to me.Ah ... my Jewstalgia kicked in Big Time, that time. Who would've thought I'd long to hear: \"Hey, Selma?! Is she ready for her comb-out yet?!\" from the mouth of Morris, circa 1959, owner-operator of Maurice's Beauty Parlour (with a \"u\") and the only male allowed in \"yenta –centa\" (as my father called it). As for decor? Green ish. The dryers were gray. And so was the –coffee. Only the nail polish was red. All 57 shades.Every Friday morning, Morris's was to the Sadies of Springfield, a sort of insulin for the soul. Even though they hated and yes, tortured, Morris, the experience kept Ma and her hair ––perfectly balanced for exactly seven days. She got all the news in and out, took out any residual rage on Morris, and not a strand strayed under an Aqua Net force field.I loved watching the mommies and Morris. I loved that smell ... that unmistakable combo of –\"permanent\" solution, orange dye, and pastrami (which they ordered in from Sammy's deli).There they were. The females of my youth in one place. Together.Thirty Jewish women, getting their nails polished \"Tomato Blush\" by Selma. Despite 15 loudly humming Conehead dryers, netted rollers, ten pounds of hardware, and cotton in their ears, somehow they heard every word said by everybody at once.–Thirty Jewish women, who looked exactly alike when they were \"done.\" Sophia Petrillo spit curls on The Golden Girls! And for a whole year, two blond skunk streaks. And red nails, of course.I wasn't entirely welcome. After all, the mommies were talking about ... well, me. And their own children. Once, I overheard:\"So, my Morton the Big Shot tells me we have to buy get this –– an ‘engagement' ring, yet. From Woolworth's. A whole dollar, it cost,\" said Mrs. Beckman to my mother.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.\"No wonder my meshugge daughter's finger was green a whole two weeks!\" laughed my mother in her special way from the kishkes, with a hint of tinkle.–By the way, Morton and I were in third grade.Back then, this was a sorority. One you can't find in feng shui salons, Wal-Mart, or Malls. One I was too young to join, and now too old to find. No. These are only found down the Avenues of Jewstalgia.If you'd like to share, we'd love to hear YOUR Jewstalgia! Take a Jujube ... and post a bissel in the comments section!
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Jewstalgia_Part_3.htmlJewstalgia: Part 3Mar 7, 2009by Marnie Winston-MacauleyMy final trip down memory lane.Yesterday, my son and I made our yearly stop at the dreaded mall. He wanted to go to a chain called \"'n Bling.\" Two thousand mall stores and I still don't know what an \"'n Bling\" thing is. But he needed one.I avoid places where short Jewish people over 40 are overtaken by pressing flesh, life-sized replicas of Niagara Falls, and standing maps that start with \"This is where YOU are.\" (And I can't find myself.) Which is why I only venture forth with my son.\"We're on Level One, A4,\" he recites perfunctorily. \"If we stay right, go up escalator 30, and take the straight ramp to avoid the Food Court ... then veer --\"To a ‘Cardiac Care Court'?\" I ask, feeling palpitations and the pain of Jewstalgia as I flash on my neighborhood shopping area, circa 1950s, Springfield Blvd, (Not \"Boulevard.\" That's for the Champs-Elysee, not Queens.)These were the places where everyone knew your mother's name.Our \"bling\" was a tiny shoppe called \"Rings 'n Things.\" The \"things\" were earrings. My mother bought a toe-ring there once. The same time she sported the blonde skunk streaks. (A very goodfashion year for Queens Jewesses it wasn't). On a brighter note, \"Rings 'n Things\" joined Moshe, the Kosher butcher, Sammy's deli, Switzers candy store, my-guy, Doc Handelman, Abie's Appetizing, and Morris, the tortured-by-Yenta owner of Maurice's Beauty Parlour.Parking wasn't in some color-coded, 30 story, concrete monolith, with death-defying turns, designed by the Dukes of Hazzard. It was a little lot behind stores that left their back doors open, so the Springfield Sadies didn't have to shlep around a whole corner.
These were the places where everyone knew your mother's name. Because places are really about people. The lively, fighting, happy, difficult, suffering, hopeful, loving people, who in an eyeblink ... become the anecdotes of Jewstalgia.Join me in one last schmooze?The Appetizing Store. If the Sabbath is described as the Queen of the Week, then Abie was dubbed the King of the weekly whitefish -- by the good Sadies of Springfield. Those were –the days when \"Appetizing\" was also a noun, as in, \"Right in the Appetizing , I told Abie, ‘Lighter on the thumb' that chazzer!'\"Abie wore a shaky crown. The Springfield Sadies watched like hawks to make sure they were paying for fish, not thumb. Too much Abie-thumb on the scale was grounds for revolution.But overthrow? Never. His tiny kingdom was safe. It wasn't just that his lox, carp, white fish, shmaltz herring, bagels, bialys, cream cheese and scallions were the best in Queens. No.–This tiny establishment, adorned by \"nickle for a pickle\" barrels, was also the Sunday morning Yiddishe Mamas Bada-Bing. While the goyim were in church, the Sadies were tasting the fish–and filling up on the 411. At 10 a.m., the first wave arrived and took a number. Oddly, t it was always \"13.\" Then 90 courageous Sadie-Sarahs would \"file out,\" forming a circuitous snake, to do their job –shmooze -- in rain, sleet, or snow, like soldiers ... or letter carriers.The Neighborhood: Hillary Clinton didn't invent \"It takes a village to raise a child.\" We Jews did. For thousands of years. Back then we had stoops -- and used them. While the grown-ups talked (OK, argued) on the stoop, we kids played. After Howdy Doody, we'd run to the street, for hopscotch, potsy, and punch ball. The boys and girls would fight for turf until they were –old enough to share turf on our stoop.–\"Mom\" was generic. If you were \"bad,\" you were given a k'nock by any adult close enough to grab you. Worse, the \"message\" went from stoop to stoop. At age five, I tried out a bad word on little David Gittleman. A \"ma\" on an adjoining stoop heard. Suffice it to say I never used that word again. .These weren't \"50 is the new 30\" moms, decked out in designer duds, with lips like dirigibles and Botoxed brains. These were \"40 looks 50 –if you're lucky\" moms. Nobody exclaimed \"Like sisters, they look!\" when Mrs. Fleigelman waddled next to her 25-year-old daughter.As for the dads ... if you needed a hand? This was post-War. Mine did everything from building porches for a neighbor, to practicing surgery, without a license. He once spent 72 hours saving little Michelle's infected leg, then staying at her bedside, across the street, until her fever broke. Her immigrant parents were in mortal fear of hospitals.
The Neighborhood, whether in \"K-nocking,\" or kvelling, made our world a much safer place, even as we hid under desks in fear of the Red Menace nuking P.S. 158. Under \"their\" watchful eyes, we were never alone, never exposed never abandoned.–Visiting Day: After \"appetizing\"-Sundays, there was visiting (\"wisiting\" my bubbe called it). People actually shlepped to see the people of my Jewstalgia.\"We're going to Mortie-and-Adele's,\" mom would say, as if they were one word, as were all couples back then. We'd bundle up. Bubbe would grab her \"setchel\" of food in case a hoarding Mongols were invading Jewish cars on the Long Island Expressway. And we were off.I loved going to Mortie-and-Adele's! E! Entertainment? Feh! Adele knew – without Google, what every human on Long Island was doing, and to/with whom. But more, she had the gift of the \"telling\" describing the most delicious \"news,\" pitch-perfect.–Another favorite was Tanta Dora, in the Bronx. Tanta Dora weighed maybe 350 pounds and never quite made the transition from Russian to Yiddish to Yinglish. Which meant I never quite understood a word she said in any language. But I mimed \"flu\" early, to avoid death –by chest-smother.Tanta Dora weighed maybe 350 pounds and never quite made the transition from Russian toYiddish to Yinglish.At the end of the long hall in her apartment, there was The Room. Nobody went in. Nobody dared use it. There it sat with her \"best\" covered in enough ––plastic to protect the Bubble Boy. To her, that livingroom meant she'd \"arrived.\" But as a child, it was mysecret play house. I'd sneak in when Tanta Dora and bubbe (Oy!) were fighting in Russian-Yiddish-Yinglish.–Which meant I had a lot of time in there.Even better, she had a huge penny jar. I was allowed exactly one handful. When my brother arrived ... we negotiated an upward modification.And Then There Were ...: When it came to Family, participation wasn't optional. Quirk, neurosis, even insanity, didn't count. They were Family.Picture it. Our Pesach table, circa 1960: Uncle \"don't-mind-if-I-do\" Iggy, who helped himself to the leftovers - and the carpeting; Aunt Merna who sent her sputum to the-Mayo Clinic, badmouthed the turkey, and weighed in at 300 pounds. Then there was Cousin Thelma, who
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.redecorated the table, then our home - before rushing off to visit her kids in rehab. Second cousin Elliot joined us from the East River, where he tested his scuba equipment (if he lived, it worked); Oh, and Uncle Jacob with the silk PJs, and unpaid water bills; Great-Uncle Henry, the hand-writing expert, who got samples from everyone, then, after the Manischewitz -- told the truth to everyone. And of course, Tanta Shayna, the \"fembly\" historian, who starred in, –created, invented, and gave birth to every one of us and our accomplishments.These were the times, the community, the people of my youth I miss every day. With us Jews--especially those of the 1950s our loved ones took with them a world. One, borne from the –knowledge and experience of the darkest tragedies, unimaginable sacrifices, and magnificent hope, we'll never see again, not from their eyes.What I wouldn't give to watch Cousin Thelma re-set Mom's forks, Aunt Merna \"holler on\" the turkey, Iggy, his pockets full my parents saying, \"Oy –… but they're family\" just one more time.Now, I can only tell anecdotes about them. Continue weaving the tapestry they continued.And hope that someday my son will have his own Jewstalgia to share with his children, and they, with theirs. Then I'll know I've done my job.After all, what right does one stitch have to ignore the design?
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/JMAs-Jewish-Mother-Agents.htmlJMAs: Jewish Mother AgentsMay 12, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleyIf Jewish mothers were in charge of counter terrorism.International terrorism is serious business. It involves developing a “narrative,” a plan, finding them, holding them after we found them, and punishing them without blowing up places –like Canada.But our experts seem to be mired in a policy talking quagmire. Listen … and this is excerpted from the United Nations global counter terrorism plan:Plan of ActionWe resolve: To consistently condemn terrorism committed by whomever, wherever and for whatever. In particular: To consider becoming parties to international conventions against terrorism. To cooperate with the counter-terrorism subsidiary bodies. To encourage other international, regional and sub-regional organizations to support the implementation of the Strategy and further encourage non-governmental organizations to engage, as appropriate, on how to enhance efforts to implement the Strategy. (To clarify: [The U.N.] adopts the present resolution and its annex as [\"the Strategy\"]).The only thing I didn’t actually find was “The Strategy”!Could it be we have the wrong people involved here? Perhaps we should consult with the real strategists: Jewish mothers. Take a look at this joke for example:A class of forest rangers was graduating. The teacher said: “Never forget! In your survival kit, always keep matzo ball mix. If you’re ever lost in say, the Flooded Rainforest of Dubai, take out the mix and start making them.” The class of “Svens” looked confused and asked why. The teacher explained. “In a half hour 18 Jewish mothers will show up and say: “You think that’s the way to make a matzo ball?!”Even a Sven knew. If you want something done, get a Jewish mother who will then form a committee which will then come up with a real strategy, a vote will be taken, and once the cookies are gone, they’ll strap on their combat sandals, and make their move.THREE COUNTER-TERRORISM SKILLS OF THE JEWISH MOTHER or JMAs (JEWISH MOTHER AGENTS)
*A GUT FEELING. We now know there is such a thing as “intuition.” It’s in the front part of the brain. For you purists, it can be found in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. In the Jewish mother, however, through our special DNA, it’s located in the kishkes (the guts). For over 4,000 years, Jewish mothers have had a telepathic connection called umbilicavayance.Picture it. 1020 B.C.E. Bethlehem.Nitzevet turns to her husband and says: “Jesse, check on David, I have a bad feeling.”When Jesse returns with the news David’s not resting on his straw, Nitzevet screams: “Oy, Vey. He’s with that monster … that seven foot Philistine, Goliath.”A disbelieving Jesse asks: “And you know this because?”“A mother knows – but wait! The good news is he’ll no longer be only my Prince … a King he’ll be.”Jesse rolls over. “And for this I shlepped sheep to pay for lyre lessons?” And such is umbilicavayance … the unique ability to … “know.”*HER NOSE KNOWS. Most Jewish mothers can “smell” something that doesn’t belong, for example, a trace of Treif steam at a kosher buffet, the very minute the milk “turns” despite expiration dates, a person who hasn’t changed underwear since the day before. Unlike the suits in glasses who are noseblind, with this superior ability, Jewish women are nasal hunters and gatherers. Ten years it took the suits to find Bin Laden. Twelve JAMs would’ve found the terrorist one, two three. Their strategy? Listen:SARAH: “Ruth … I’m getting a whiff.”RUTH: “You too? What is that here in Pakistan?”REBECCA: “Curry maybe? No!”BELLA: “Quick! Wake up Manya … she’s gifted.”MANYA: “I’m whiffing wait … NESQUIK!”SYLVIA: “That’s it! So what is kosher Nesquik doing in Abbottābad?!”SHEVA: “What else? The “you-know-what” has a thing for Nesquik. Ladies, we got him! In a half hour he’ll be a frozen veal chop!”Done.*”THE STRATEGY” FOR QUESTIONING: OG (OVERLOAD AND GUILTIFICATION)Once a terrorist is caught, instead of Guantanamo, the questioning would take place in a locked kitchen with the suspect surrounded by a cadre of JMAs. The method? “OG” (Overload and Guiltification) Two agents, a Menschy Mom (MM) and a Vilde Chaya Mom (VCM) -- the original good cop bad cop -- would work together as a team.Menschy Mom: So Ahmedkritjzy. You can’t talk on curry or shashlik alone. Take a napkin. Wait… I’ll get you six plates. It’s no trouble … and it’s all kosher. I made you chopped liver, a whole brisket, three sides, a thermos of Nesquik, some strudel and a plate of black and white cookies. –No eating with fingers or talking with your mouthful. Leave no leftovers after I almost blacked out making a meal fit for a 10 cells.Vilde Chaya Mom: Very nice! Instead of a belt you wear an incendiary device around you?! How would your mama feel if you went BOOM?! And bring with you a city yet?! (… ) What do you mean they’d be proud? You’d reach nirvana or whatever! What do you know about how a mother feels? You should be ashamed! You didn’t know better?! Tell me, Ahmedkritjzy, if your friend jumped off the Bosphorus Bridge, WOULD YOU?Menschy Mom: You left a crumb. So now, Ritjzy, you’ll eat double. Kosher is comfort food. Open up!!Vilde Chaya Mom: You either open up and talk -- we want coordinates of the core group of your cell, with your contact ring and ideological hierarchy -- or you’ll eat enough tsimmis to blanket Turkey – the country! And more, we’ll tell your mama about what you did in downtown Las Vegas!!
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.With her ability to be determined, pointed, smart, and unstoppable, the JMA’s will get the guilty terrorists to confess and spill all in 48 hours.A bus with 30 Jewish mothers turned over and they were dispatched to heaven. Unfortunately the computers were down, so God had to ask Satan to provide temporary housing. Soon after, God received an urgent telephone call from Satan telling Him to take the women off his hands.“What’s the problem?” asked God.Satan replied, “Those Jewish mothers are ruining my whole set-up. Only two hours and already they raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!”
https://www.aish.com/j/as/Joan-Rivers-Trailblazer--Israel-Supporter.htmlJoan Rivers: Trailblazer & Israel SupporterSep 7, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWe’ll forever miss the chat.You don’t normally think of a woman whose heart stopped at age 81 as being “cut down” in her prime. Yet, when the unthinkable happened to Joan Rivers during recent routine throat surgery that lead to her death on September 4 , many of us did.thWhether you’ve been fan or foe of the controversial, sharp-tongued Jewish comedienne, Joan, perhaps the most famous female comic in the world, gave us a precious gift. She lived life full-out, unbounded by age. She believed in herself. She believed in life and endurance that runs not only on talent, but on sheer chutzpah!I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. – Joan RiversYes, these are the traits of a Jewish maidel and the Jewish people. That’s why her death feels, well, personal and almost premature. To many of us, she seemed indomitable, hip, relentless.Known for her “take no prisoners” wit, she alsodirected her barbs at herself whether the topic was age, wealth, her well-publicized plastic surgeries (“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery”) or pretention.I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. – Joan RiversThe Brooklyn-born Rivers, a daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants started life as Joan Alexandra Molinsky on June 8, 1933. Not so ironically, despite the fact that her father was a doctor, money, or lack of it, was a huge theme in her home as she was growing up. Squabbles
over money shadowed her, adding fuel to her determination to smash comedic glass ceilings. She shattered them. Joan, virtually the lone female doing stand-up at the time, was an –original and a pioneer --leading the way for female stand-ups to roar onto stages in the Borscht Belt, clubs, on TV, and in film.People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. –Joan RiversJoan, a superior scholar, graduating Phi Beta Kappa with degrees in English literature and anthropology from Barnard College in 1954, might have followed the “fifties” nice Sadie Married Lady route, but when she said: “Can we talk?” her life changed. After an ill-fated short first marriage, Joan told an audience that her mother \"is so desperate to get me married that if a murderer called, she'd say, 'So, he has a temper.'\" She wanted and needed to “talk” to all, standing in the spotlight, rather than in the wings. She once said: “My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”Joan, as a recent grad to pay the bills, was a tour guide, fashion consultant, and aspiring thespian, working with the young Barbara Streisand. Discovered while doing stand-up, she started appearing on TV cracking up audiences on The Tonight Show, Candid Camera, and The Ed Sullivan Show, among others. But more, taking a leaf from Lenny Bruce “she told it like it was” – or how she saw it, out loud, unabashed and often shocking.Throughout her career she also wrote books (her latest is Diary of a Mad Diva), films (The Muppets Take Manhattan), created and starred in TV shows, and was a Queen at QVC, selling her own brand of everything from jewelry to cosmetics. She also became a fashion queen where her celebrity interviews on red carpets often started with “Who are you wearing?” On one of her hit shows, Fashion Police Joan would reign free with sartorial judgments. But not everyone was thrilled being in her hot seat. Nothing and no one was off-limits. She’d never apologize for telling her truth except to the loves of her life, daughter Melissa, with whom –she worked both behind in and front of the cameras, and her beloved grandson Cooper, who appeared regularly on their show Joan and Melissa.Her endurance was tested many times. There was the highly publicized fight with Johnny Carson that kicked off when he heard she was hosting a rival talk show on Fox. The show she and longtime second husband Edgar Rosenberg had created bombed, which lead to a second tragedy when Edgar committed suicide three months later in 1987.Devastated, Joan took time to heal, then she came back, determined to re-build and re-invent herself, perhaps as a way of managing the horror that no doubt plagued her for the rest of her life.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.She was also an active philanthropist working with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, Guide Dogs for the Blind, and God’s Love We Deliver, giving her $250,000 prize she won The Apprentice, (2009) to the last charity which provides meals to shut-ins.JOAN ON ISRAELJoan was the quintessential stereotypical Jewish New Yawka. More than her shtick it was in the telling, the attitude. When it came to Israel, she used that attitude to come to the Jewish state’s defense.Just two months ago, when asked by a reporter about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict she let her opinions fling and fly, razor-sharp. Here is an excerpt:“Let me just tell you, if New Jersey was firing rockets into New York, we would wipe them out.… And Palestinians, you cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves!When the reporter asked about the civilians, she came back with: “Then don’t put your things in private homes! Don’t you dare put weapon stashes in private homes!” He followed up, asking where the civilians were supposed to go. “I don’t care,” said Joan vehemently. “They started it. You’re all insane! They started it! How do I know? ‘Cause I have been over there.That’s how I know. And I wish the world would know!”The most impressive emotional outburst was bashing “her own” – some of the media for –their anti-Israeli bias, saying: “The BBC should be ashamed of themselves, and CNN should be ashamed of themselves!Joan Rivers: comic, writer, creator, tycoon, pioneer and Jewish mom and grandma made –“Can we talk?” a signature.We’ll forever miss the chat.I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. – Joan Rivers
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Jokes-about-Jewish-Daughters-and-Their-Parents.htmlJokes about Jewish Daughters and Their ParentsFeb 15, 2020by Marnie Winston-MacauleyGet some naches.When we last met on the topic of jokes, we talked about Jewish sons and their parents. Today, we look at Jewish daughters and their folks. True there is much cliché in these iconic jokes (mostly thanks to their great-uncles Jewish comedians). So before PC kills them altogether, –let’s have a nice time looking at these legendary jokes and anecdotes. I’d like to start off with a tiny excerpt from one of the funniest books ever written: Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York (1972), by the hands-down genius of all humor genres, Gail Parent.“Born: August 12, 30 years ago. ‘So, it’s a girl, Manny? You know what that means, you have to pay for the wedding.’ One day old! One day old, and they’re talking about weddings. A Jewish mother wants her sons out of the Army and her daughters down the aisle.”-- Excerpted from Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New YorkTHE PLACE IS THE THINGMrs. Finkle was preparing her will and called in her rabbi.“I have two requests before I die,” she said. “First, I want to be cremated.” “But that’s forbidden by Jewish law,” the rabbi said.“Listen, I mean it. I want to be cremated!”After hours of talking and getting nowhere, the rabbi sighed. “So, what is your second request?”“I want my ashes scattered in Bloomingdale’s.”
“Bloomingdale’s!” exclaimed the rabbi. “Why Bloomingdale’s?” “That way, I’m sure my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”NACHES!Mrs. Gold and Mrs. Bloom ran into each other in the street after 20 years. \"How's your daughter,” inquires Mrs. Gold, \"the one that married the surgeon?\" \"Sadly, it didn’t work,\" answered Mrs. Bloom.\"Oy.\"\"Ah, but she married a brilliant attorney.\" \"Mazel Tov!”\"That too, didn’t go well. But she's now engaged to a millionaire developer.\" Mrs. Gold shook her head from side to side.\"Ai, ai ai! So much naches from one daughter.\"MY DAUGHTER THE STARIn Fred A. Bernstein’s The Jewish Mothers’ Hall of Fame, Clara Sussman had reason to be proud of daughter, Rosalyn Yalow, who won the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1977:“[Rosalyn] wanted me to go [to the ceremony] in the worst way, but I was 92. I didn’t want to spoil her fun. I was at my doctor’s and he said to everyone, ‘This is the Nobel Prize winner’s mother,’ and they all applauded.”When Clara was informed by a teacher that her daughter was a genius, she thought, “Genius? I don’t want a genius. I want I normal child. I was thinking of Albert Einstein. I had heard he was a little peculiar.”BUT ON THE OTHER HANDMr. Fliegel and his daughter Rebecca were discussing some of her choices in men of which her father didn’t entirely approve. Trying to break through to him Rebecca asked, \"Papa, would you prefer to have the son-in-law of your dreams with me miserable or let me choose the man of my dreams and you learn to love him?”Fliegel pondered for a minute and replied: \"I'd rather have the son-in-law of my dreams andyou learn to love him!\"GOOD ADVICEMrs. Greenbaum pulled her daughter, Rebecca, into the bedroom for an intimate chat the night before her wedding:
“Darling, tonight is finally the time to tell you how to make your new husband happy for the rest of his life.”Embarrassed, Rebecca answered. “Mama you are embarrassing me!” “What’s to be embarrassed about how to make kugel?!” Mama asked.Do you remember when you were little, when you were the only child and the apple of everyone’s eye, we called you Zisa Punim [Sweet Face]. Remember? And one day you got separated from your mother in a big department store oy, she was frantic, hysterical, –searching everywhere for you, when over the loudspeaker comes a voice: “Will Zisa Punim’s mother please report to Customer Service?” You thought it was your name. -- Carol K. Howell, Excerpted from “The Make up Lesson” in “The William and Mary Reviews,” Spring 2001-OY! A GEFILTE SHE ISN’TChaim had eight daughters, all married but one, who, nebuch, was no beauty. So Chaim talked with Rabbi Kolowitz.\"Rabbi, I don’t know vat to do about mine poor Fannie. She seems too ugly for the men to vant to marry.”\"May I ask ... how ugly is Fannie?\"\"Vell, if she vas lying on a plate with herrings, I don’t think she vould stand out from the herrings.\"\"Hmm. So vat kind of herrings?\" asked the rabbi thoughtfully. Surprised by the question, Chaim replied, \"Err ... shmaltz herrings.\"\"Oy, bad luck you really have,” said Rabbi Kolowitz. “If they were matjes, believe me, she’d have a much better chance.\"[If you look up shmaltz herring vs. matjes the joke will be funnier!]–LITTLE PITCHERSMama invited 16 people for Sabbath dinner. At the table, she turned to her seven-year-old daughter, Hannah and said, “Darling, would you like to say the blessing?”Hannah said, “But, I wouldn't know what to say.” “Don’t worry, angel, just say what you hear Mama say.”Hannah bowed her head, sighed, looked to God and recited: “Oy vey! Dear God, I needed to invite all these people to dinner?!”THE GREATEST FATHER OF ALL
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out to God.“Dear God, I have a problem. You created me, a beautiful garden, wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”“Why?” asked God. “I’m lonely.”“Ah. Then I shall create man for you.” “What’s that?”“Well, he is an aggressive creature, who can’t listen. He shall make you meshugge but he shallbe larger, faster, and more muscular, which will be helpful for fighting, kicking a ball, and hunting. And he shall warm you in the night.”“Hmmm ...”“But my daughter, there is a condition which you and all daughters must continue throughout the ages.”“What is that?”“Let him believe I made him first.”
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Jokes-about-Jewish-Sons-and-Parents.htmlJokes about Jewish Sons and ParentsJan 5, 2020by Marnie Winston-MacauleySo David receives a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah…We Jews have long seen the role of “Jewish parent” as one of reverence and teaching. (Do they listen? Feh!) Let’s look at some classic jokes and real anecdotes that highlight the special relationship between Jewish sons and their parents. The first is one of my personal favorites.THE LESSONDavid received a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah. This parrot had one bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. David tried to teach him manners, but the bird just got ruder and cruder.Desperate, David put him in the freezer to cool him off. He heard squawking, then quiet. Frightened, David quickly opened the freezer.The parrot calmly walked out and said: \"I'm sorry I offended you, Master David. I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior.” Before David could ask about this astounding change, the parrot continued, \"Sir ... may I ask what the Empire chicken did?!\"Believe it or not, many don’t get this one. But We Jews, with our Yiddishkeit and our brilliant imaginations can visualize the humor of the parrot, who upon seeing the “disciplined” frozen chicken, walked out in repentance. Jewish hysterical!GOTCHA!A teen asked his father, a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car.His father said, \"I'll make you a deal. Study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it.\"A month passed and once again the teen approached his father.
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