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I then ran to the E.R. which we all know is itself a death wish. A youngish cute doctor approached me in the waiting room and asked questions. When he got to my age, he announced my DOB to the whole place. Being me, I said: “A little louder. They didn’t hear you in Uruguay.” He stared at me. “I’m from Uruguay,” he said.Of course.Six hours later, I got what I asked for. A massive shot of cortisone. “You’ll also need an epi pen” he said, adding, “Whoa! You were almost in anaphylactic shock. Don’t touch anything anywhere –ever. Wash your hands with, yada, yada.” So I graduated from Jewish shnarfler to eppes, a full grown Epi. I almost passed out. But I did get a free turkey sandwich.After my brush with death, I’ve become allergically-correct and thought it my duty to alert everyone, Jew and Gentile alike, to never ask the following questions to people who have things swelling, blowing up, or running from their person.QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK AN ALLERGIC PERSON1.“What foolishness! Don’t you know it’s all in your mind so the pharmaceutical companies can make out like bandits?”Mamalas, this is not a good question to ask people who, after passing a can of blueberries resemble Violet Beauregarde, especially when they’re armed with needles. Trust me. Their nice Jewish kops don’t make them: shnarfle at other people, scratch in strange places unless they’re baseball players or blow up and down. Besides, should you utter this question, you’ll get a lecture, 15 doctors’ notes, and their family history of “bad” noses that started with Sarah. I suggest you simply say: “Rhoda, the shnarfling, the scratching, the blowing up and down really makes you a stand-–out in a crowd.”2.“Darling, Is it really necessary to call over the chef and ask exactly who touched the food and with what in a five-star restaurant?”What? An allergic Yiddishe kop should trust some Frenchman who gives out gold stars to adults? How do you know the history of that veggie burger or what it’s been through? If someone dripped into it? Blew on it? Sneezed around it? With our mazel, the server, Mo, had Yoo Hoo dribbling from him which he sopped up with a towel he brought when fishing that morning to hold his bait and walnut snack. He then turned it into a bandana, and, shvitzing on it, MADE THAT VEGGIE BURGER. A street vender in downtown Calcutta is safer. Trust me.You’ll hear: “Madame, as the manager I can assure you that nothing touches our meat. And … it’s all local. Now, just sign the waiver. Here. And here. And just initial … pages 3 34.” Better a -person be a little annoying than you spending seven hours in the ER because her veggie burger contained “local” veggies – and Mo-shvitz.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.3.“Tee hee. And Judy, you didn’t even know I slipped a peanut in your shake five minutes ago, now will you admit you’re not allergic?”Judy can’t answer because her mouth is frozen in a horrific maw as her throat is turning into a blowfish. Sweethearts, surprises are nice if say, they include an intro to the single head of Mt. Sinai, tickets to Matisyahu, an old tape of Fanny Brice, a Krusty the Clown memorial pin. These are decent “surprises.” Killing a person “for-her-own-good” is much like the episode of Seinfeld, when someone slipped lobster in Jerry’s girlfriend’s omelet. Even here, her soul might be affected, but not her breathing apparatus. But more, causing death-by-Goober of a 33 year-old, trust me, will deeply affect your relationship with mitzvahs.4.“I have absolutely no idea what’s in this water. It’s water! When has water killed a person?”He knows, mamala! Trust me, he has a list that includes seven people who took a shower and exploded. Three were in Afghanistan where their brightest terrorists were doing secret “testing” of the power of human dribble. Another lived in a cave near the Dead Sea. A fifth was an extra in “Singing in the Rain,” and the rest, a real tragedy … when their mamas’ poo pooed on them to ward off the evil eye. Much better to say: “Listen Sheldon darling … let’s invest in a raincoat.” Even if you live in Death Valley.5. Mamala, how about if Mommy lists your allergies on your yarmulke. Won’t the other kids think it’s adorable?Your son shnarfles, has spontaneous nose bleeds and more hives than a beekeeper. He’s puffy. He asks strange children to scratch him. He sits out in gym, science, home economics, lunch, the playground, and school trips to bread factories. He carries more pills than Walgreen’s and wears five different Medical ID bracelets. Trust me darlings. If he’s in public school, the one thing he doesn’t need is advertising. They notice him! On the other hand, if –he’s in Jewish Day school, brilliant! From your idea you can start a new home-based business: KippAlert.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont_Ask_Your_Date_This.htmlDon't Ask Your Date ThisJan 2, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyQ u e s t io n sy o u s h o ul dne erva s kapo etnt l iaJ ew i s hm a t e .It’s perhaps one of the Jewish people’s greatest ironies. How often have we heard the phrase, “Don’t ask!” spew from the lips of MOTs (Members of the Tribe) who not only ask about anything, any time, but make sure the question can be heard in Uruguay? What’s more, “Don’t ask!” often means, “Ask already!” Watch ...WE SAY: “‘How’s my lumbago?’ Don’t ask!”WE MEAN: “Don’t ask unless you have an hour and can read an X Ray.”-WE SAY: “‘How’s my son Melvin doing at MIT?’ Don’t ask. (BRIGHTLY)” WE MEAN: “I’ll add you to my Facebook group: ‘Admirers of Melvin.’”WE SAY: “‘Was my dinner party for the whole neighborhood a success?’ Don’t ask!!” WE MEAN: “They couldn’t walk away from my house! (A JOY!) But never again! ” (OY!!)On the other hand… “Don’t ask!” can also mean shouldn’t ask, ever -- especially when it involves Jewish dating and “potentials.” Obviously we need a little guidance here.Don’t worry mein kinder. I am here and happy to help. As a public service, I now present you with: Don’t Ask! A Jewish Potential Mate: His and Hers.Don’t Ask Him:1.“Don’t you think: we should talk about where this relationship is going?”This is a bad question. It kicks off scary organ music, which will signal him to vault from a cliff, or more realistically, from the kosher Chinese restaurant. Much better to wait for him to ask how you want your rice. You reply: “Thrown.”2.“How come it took you so long to call? Am I going to have to wait another three days?!”This question is okay if you two are already related. He’s used to it. But assuming he’s a prospective, you’re not. Which means that any mention of time and obligations will implant visions of you, “mama fied” on bended knees sloshing linoleum cleaner, moaning “Oy. Not-

only does he track sneaker shmutz, he doesn’t call!” In which case you’ll be “waiting” a lot longer.3.“Mind if I straighten your place a bit?”This starts a dangerous precedent. He may actually expect you’ll believe he can’t make that 6- inch underwear-to-laundry hamper toss after you’re married. Unless you enjoy picking up T-s, in the words of our Grand-bubbes, “Don’t ask.”4.“If you don’t know the reason I’m angry, why should I tell you?”Apart from the possibility that he’ll agree (“You’re right, hon. I don’t deserve to know”),you risk “A.I.” or “Aggravation Inflation.” This is a con-Jewnital condition, that causes some of our Tribe to retain aggravation, much as we do “bloat” from belly lox. Trust me. By the time he guesses, you’ll splat like the Hindenburg, and not fit into your wedding dress.5.“Mind a little constructive criticism?”He will. Telling him: “Your brother’s a chazzer (pig)!” no matter how constructive, will be unappreciated. And who is he going to listen to? You, or the chazzer? Much better to show rather than tell. Next time he does something in need of criticism take a picture of the infraction, post it on Facebook, then tag him so he can discuss it with his buds ... and his brother, the chazzer.Don’t Ask Her:1.“Can you just get to the point?” or alternatively: “Is there a point?”A remark like this will give her the impression you’re not interested in what Kyle said to Camille on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Remember! To most females, getting to the point, the point. Far is better to adapt the “BFS” or “Basic Frozen Smile” while thinking of more important things such as your golf score, or whether your brother, who’s taking 90% of your gross, is a thief or just a chazzer.2.“Aren’t you generalizing?” or alternatively: “over reacting?”-The Jewish female never generalizes or over-reacts. She reacts only after carefully ascertaining that as “it” happened to somebody, somewhere, why not her? Support her ability to prophesize and prepare for any eventuality by saying, for example: “Good thinking, sweetheart! After what happened to Noah, a water-proof chuppah does make sense in the desert!”3.“My mother’s an expert, how about asking her?”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Such a direct suggestion-by-question implies that you think your mother knows more about: what you like, or what you should like than your intended. More, that you want mama involved. Of course this is not true. But this innocent remark may lead to messy misunderstandings.4.“If you want, with a little work you could firm those abs right up?”This query falls into the category of “Dumb Responses to Metaphorical Comments” or the transliterative, “Drumkop!” She mentions her abs are bissel fat, her hair is shmutzig, her weight is bordering on zaftig, take note. These are not invitations for you to suggest-by- question! Practice this standard response. “No, they (you/it) aren’t (isn’t/will never be)!”5.“Don’t you think your allergies are all in your mind?”Take heed. Whether she’s allergic to soy milk, her Spanx, or your iPhone, nothing is “all in her mind.” She’s traced back and authenticated 3,000 years of “bad” noses in her lineage. Accept that your children, should you have them together, will also have “bad noses.” Look to her emotional relationship with her allergist as a source of constant inspiration; a state you may achieve after meeting 30 pollen seasons with green tea and sympathy, never once asking: “Is it all in your mind?”So there you have it. Five questions you should never ask a prospective mate! Should you feel any of the above about to spew forth, put two lemons in your mouth, and call me in the morning!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Dont_Ask_Your_Spouse_This.htmlDon't Ask Your Spouse ThisMar 20, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFive questions you should never ask your spouse.How often have we heard the phrase, “Don’t ask!” spew from the lips of MOTs (Members of the Tribe)? Sometimes, a simple query, such as “How are you?” holds more minefields than Angola? And when it comes to spouses –sheesh – don’t ask!Of course there are times when “Don’t ask!” can also mean we shouldn’t ask, ever! Obviously we need a little guidance here. Last time we looked at “Don’t Ask Your Date This.” Today, I’m kicking it up a notch with five questions we should never ask our Jewish Husbands and Wives.Don’t Ask Your Husband This:1.“Honey, do you think I’ve put on a little weight?”This GrandBubbe of the Bad Question will cause him to adopt the CS (catatonic stupor) stance. Such a question only encourages bad habits in the Jewish husband, such as lying (“You’re the same as when I married you – 20 years ago”), telling the whole truth (“Well, you have gained a few”), followed up by the unforgivable (“What? You expected to look 25 forever?”) Much better to wait for him to choose a mid-life crisis two-seater sports car, and ask him, “Do you think I’ll fit in it?”2.“If your mother and I both needed a kidney transplant, who would you pick?”Such a question implies that you think that your husband has an unnatural attachment to his Yiddishe mama. So he gave her the passcode to his ATM, shleps you there every Shabbos, or brought her on the honeymoon? Remember! He’s not a mama’s boy. He’s just “the best little sonny in the world.” Therefore, not only will such a question create in him deep-seated resentment, he’ll wonder if you don’t truly understand him, which will require him to dig further. With his mother.3.“So, do you see a difference?” (After you’ve had a complete makeover).

This query assumes husbands pay attention and notice. Despite all this popular psychology mishegoss, this is untrue, unless you’re married to a non Jewish man like John Gray who’s light-headed from flying around Mars. Take my word for it. The average male can see a ding in his 1986 Buick Skylark from a street corner in Uzbekistan but we could have teeth implants, cut our hair, and get a new nose, and he’ll wonder: “Artificial leg?” I suggest you discuss your hair/teeth/ nose with his mother, who will agree that these changes are essential, then bring her with you. Trust me. She will instruct him when, how, and about what, to kvell – or else.4.“How come you never talk to me?”Mamalas, since God created Eve, the Jewish female was gifted with some powerful pisk capable of using several billion words, while Adam, who lived for 930 years, had maybe 20, none over two syllables. As males only know from action words (verbs), you must omit from your speech all adjectives, then proceed right to “the headline.” Say to your husband: “I shopped. Was trampled by rogue elephant. Lived.” Boom! You may add something about the full body cast should he notice.–5- “Shouldn’t you ask directions/call a plumber?”If you looked in the Bermuda Triangle, you wouldn’t find a wife. You’d find two million husbands who were on their way to a conference in Miami (kvetching, “Who moved the Atlantic Ocean?!”) Accept the fact that this dates to their Hunter-Fixer days. Gently point out that then, husbands only walked a mile to a big jungle or sharpened flints. Today, a true macher hires a less worthy cave-husband to: a) use a map when driving a camel to the Negev;b) put together a bedroom set from IKEA; c) set the correct time in his new Hybrid.Don’t Ask Your Wife This:1.“If you didn’t want the answer, why did you ask in the first place?”Understand that it’s a Jewish wife’s job to ask questions. Do we want the facts? No. Listen and learn, mamalas:WE ASK: “Why can’t I get this APP to work?” WE MEAN: “Do it, already.”WE ASK: “Why is she so late?” WE MEAN: “Get dressed and find her already.”WE ASK: “Why do engines die in water?” WE MEAN: “Fish the car out of the lake for me already.”So, should she ask you something, I suggest you stop with the explanations and “DO” already.2.“Why are you always so moody/bossy? Is it hormonal?”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Jewish wives are not ‘moody,’ ‘bossy,’ or ‘hormonal.’ We are sensitive. Aware. And radar- ready. After all, if we weren’t hocking: a) would your socks match?! b) you’d be living in a sty!c)you’d all be scarecrows! or d) “Gevalt! You’d be lying dead somewhere!!”Learn to appreciate her sensitivity. It comes from love. And asking such a foolish question, trust me, mamalas, will be dangerous to your health.3.“I said you look ‘fine.’ What’s wrong with the word ‘fine.’”As a Jewish wife’s vocabulary is extensive and precise, to us “fine” is what we say when the plumber asks, “Lady, how’s the new garbage disposal?” When we’ve just returned from the salon, we don’t want to get the same praise as a garbage disposal. Familiarize yourself with these basic adjectives/phrases: “gorgeous,” “exquisite,” “movie star!” (Note: Do NOT use: “better,” “younger,” or “What a change!” which will raise suspicions in her that she looked like Hak Fleish before.)4.“So I used the guest towels. What’s the big deal?”The Jewish wife is constantly prepared. Who knows when the Benjamin Netanyahus may be dropping in, and his wife, Sara, is a bissel picky. So getting shmutz on her “best” like the “guest towels,” the “good silverware,” or using the extra soy sauce packets is a big deal! You must show respect. After all, would you want your wife to be known as a rotten balabuste throughout all of Israel?5.“Why can’t you do that?” (After catching Martha Stewart on TV)This is a very bad question. Jewish wives have for centuries sacrificed and done “without.” But only someone with a goyishe kop, like Martha, would chop down a tree and shear a sheep to make a Q-Tip. Appreciate the fact that your wife is thrifty. Notice how she takes doggie bags of five french fries and devotes drawers to condiment packets, string, and unused Q-Tips.This, mamalas, is sensible.So there you have it. Five questions you should never ask your mate! Should you feel any of the above about to spew forth, put two extra lemons in your tea and call me in the morning!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48939757.htmlElection Top TensOct 22, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyJewlarious has created a top ten list in honor of this year's election.The Book of Lists made them popular. David Letterman made them hilarious. Never to be outdone, we, at Jewlarious, have created our own three top ten lists in honor of Election 2008.TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A GOYISHE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE10. A whole town meeting, and not even a single piece rugelach ... or a Black and White cookie.9. Only 80 people in the room and they still need microphones.During rebuttals, you won't hear the words: \"shmegegge,\" \"shmendrik,\" \"chazzer,\" or \"gonif.\"8. Not one person fondly recalls how his father, the poor son of immigrants , started at the bottom of zayde's business and inherited his way to the top –of a gefilte fish empire, adding: \"Only in America.\"7. When making a point, you won't hear ananecdote quoting either Myron Cohen or SamLevinson.6. When a candidate talks to an audience member who: a) is from their home State; or b) also went to Camp Ongeblussen, he won't give a hug or cry out, \"A landsman!\"5. No candidate promises to cut the Federal budget by buying everything from office –equipment to weapons of mass destruction wholesale, or through his cousin Irving.–4. During rebuttals, you won't hear the words: \"shmegegge,\" \"shmendrik,\" \"chazzer,\" \"gonif,\" or, \"May your supporters continue to grow large ... and when they vote for you for President, find only chads they can't punch next to your name that only hang, like it hangs from your nose.\"3. When they run over their time limit, the moderator, instead of a speech about rules, doesn't have the brains to say: \"Enough already!\"

2. After an hour, neither candidate has discovered that his wife and half the audience share an ancestor from a tiny village in the Ukraine.1. At the end of the debate, not one relative is heard screaming, \"Polls, Shmolls! I say he won!\"TOP 10 PRIORITIES FOR A YIDDISHE FIRST LADY10. Inviting Mr. Loehmann to choose your dress for the Inaugural Balls and remove the –label.9. Fighting with the decorators about adding a small corner to the Oval Office so the –President can \"stretch out\" after lunch.8. Insisting the Secret Service give your daughter with the braces, the code name \"Sheyna Maidel\" and saying it out loud to help her self-esteem.–7. Making sure there's always a fresh ten pound brisket with little brown potatoes on your –husband's desk in case he wants a wholesome snack.6. Getting the UJA (or Steven Spielberg) to donate 132 mezuzahs plus extras for the entrances and porches to make the White House a little bit more heimishe.5. Making Manischewitz the \"House\" wine.4. Yelling: \"Oy! Are you SURE you're OK?? \" when your husband spends more than five minutes in the Oval bathroom.3. Cutting White House costs by using paper plates—with compartments. The Lenox, enamel and Wedgewood is for holidays and dignitaries from \"fency-dency\" countries, only.–2. The day after Pesach, hosting the largest Afikomen hunt in the Land for all the little children and awarding the winner a lifetime supply of chocolate coins.1. Presiding over a yearly fund-raising gala in the Rose Garden you've named: \"Jewlarious.com Forever!\" a health-related cause close to your heart, based on your personal and political belief that \"Laughter is the best medicine!\"TOP 10 ITEMS IN A JEWISH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALPromising not to run a \"shmear\" campaign.10. Promising not to run a \"shmear\" campaign.9. Introducing a new Defense Plan N2D. Sending –18 Jewish bubbies to our enemies to NUDZE them to death.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.8. Pledging to immediately change Fanny Mae and Freddie Mack Fannie Brice and FreddieRoman. Not one needed a bail-out.7. Cutting medical costs by a Federal program to oversee a mass distribution of free chicken soup.6. Including a homey shot of you lovingly cautioning the family dog, Mendele, that the bone he's chewing from the garbage is traif.5. Somehow mentioning that either Barbra Streisand (D) or Jackie Mason (R) goes to the same stylist as your cousin Myrna's son's fiancee.4. Showing a sincere close-up of your mother saying: \"He's always been a good boy and practiced his violin faithfully.\"3. Making sure it's mentioned that Son of Sam (David Berkowitz) was adopted.2. Citing the fact that your alma mater, City College in New York, has had more Nobel Laureates than Swarthmore, Amherst, and the University of Calcutta.1. \"This message is approved by Mama, by Tanta Rose, by Bubbe Bella and by the whole –mischpoche.\"Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/English-Words-that-Sound-Yiddish-II.htmlEnglish Words that Sound Yiddish IIMay 17, 2014by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh eb i r th o fan ew la n g u a g e: Yin glos ehn .Last time we looked at English words that might make it in Yiddish. This is not a simple task. The standard is high my friends. Mama-loshen wasn’t born in a day and more, carries a nuance that comes from years of love, suffering, and running. But, it’s only fair we give English a chance at reaching the rarefied state of Yiddish. After all, some Yiddish can be found in various English dictionaries. More, it’s being used daily by non-Jews from Rhode Island to Alaska.Hectic: A person who falls somewhere between an agnostic and an atheist.Here’s a sampling of commonly used Yiddish words: bubbe, bupkes, chutzpah, feh!, gelt, glitch, gornisht, kibbitz, klutz, knish, kosher, kvetch, lox, mazel, Mazel Tov, mensch, macher, maven, megillah, mishegoss,nebbish, noodge, nosh, nu, nudnik, oy, plotz,shlemiel, shlep, shlimazel, shmaltz, shmatte, shmendrik, shmooze, shmutz, shtick, shvitz, tsouris, verklempt, yenta, yutz, and zaftig.YINGLOSHEN : ENGLISH WORDS, THAT COULD, MIGHT, MAYBE BECOME YIDDISH“Kibosh”English: To put an end to; to stop something.Yiddish: Kibosh: (Kibboshnik): A person who jokes constantly, anywhere, anyplace.Usage: “What does a Rivkah Epstein make for dinner? Heh heh, reservations” told at a Jewish wedding. Now he’s a kibboshnik who should shut up and sell maybe shoes.

“Freckle”English: Little brown spots on the skin.Yiddish: (Freckela): A big thing hanging off someone, but you don’t want to make a big deal. Usage: “So, you have a thing hanging the size of a grapefruit. It’s a freckela. It makes you look exotic. And darling, the surgeon will lop it off one two three -- tomorrow.”“Glacier”English: A mass of ice that has accumulated over years.Yiddish: (Glacianers) We know that Galitzianers, a subdivision of the Ashkenazim, originated from Galicia in the western Ukraine and the south-eastern corner of Poland. They spoke terrific Yiddish! Just recently, archeologists discovered evidence that over 3,000 years ago, there were at least ten, maybe 25 Jews who came from Antarctica. In the beginning there were theories of extra-terrestrials, until Dr. Haim Ginsberger, broke the code in the ice last Fall. It said: “Moses, put on your ear muffs! And remember to put up the mezuzah from the igloo. It came off again!”Usage: “So, you’re a Galitzianer, and Morris, you’re a Litvack. Well I’m a Glacianer, which is why we serve Moose as our main on the High Holy Days.”“Spatula”English: A kitchen tool that has a long handle and short, soft and wide end that is used for mixing, spreading.Yiddish: (“Spetula): A little argument between mates and/or parents and children which can be resolved when they give in. Some people shorten it to “spetch.”Usage: “Darlings, so Rhoda likes sweet gefilte and Irving likes not sweet. It’s not a big tsimmis. We’ll serve a choice and end this spetula already. ”“Latchkey”English: The key to the outer door of a house.Yiddish: According to folklore a man named Shmooie Latchkey was also known as the great shtetl thief. Not one chicken was safe when Latchkey was lurking.Usage: “Morris, I saw you take from my pot of chicken and soup for Shabbos. Fortunately, Imake for an army or we’d be short. What Morris, you’re a Mister Latchkey?”“Brisk”English: Fresh and invigorating.Yiddish: (Briskedik) The corned beef didn’t quite make it to brisket.Usage: “And my sister-in-law thought you can make a brisket in three hours! I tell you, my Marvin need whole bottle of Pepto Bismol from the briskedik.” She thinks it’s St. Patrick’s Day instead of Pesach?! … But who am I to say?”

“Concoction”English: A mixture.Yiddish: A repeated excuse.Usage: “You had a fender-bender and it took seven hours in the E.R.!? Mendel, how many fender-benders can a person have in a month?! Quit with the concoctions and tell me you were playing poker already?””Bench”English: A long seat usually made of wood or stone.Yiddish: (Bensch) A person on the way to becoming a great human being but lack a little –something. (A group is called Benschen.)Usage: “If they gave up the spurts of loshen hora, the Goldfarbs could go from caring, loving, giving benschen all the way up to menschen.”“Glib”English: Smooth-talking.Yiddish: (Also “Glibberish”) A burp. The sound your stomach makes when you’ve ODed on too much Kosher wine.Usage: “Oy Leo darling, from the sound of that big glib from you, enough with the Manischewitz. Don’t you remember what happened when Uncle Fyvush was so glibberish he tried to do the kazatsky on Cousin Adele’s antique coffee table?””Hectic”English: Frantic activity.Yiddish: A person who falls somewhere between an agnostic and an atheist.Usage: “Yankel, that young man over there with the tattoo? He told me ‘It’s certainly possible that there is a God, but of course the other possibility is there is no God. Now, given even the slightest possibility, it makes sense according to Hectorian theory that a wise person shall leave his options open –just in case. So, I’m a practicing Hectic.’ I swear Yankel, all I asked him was, “Are you Kosher?”“Angst”English: Fear or anxiety.Yiddish: Part of body, buy no one knows where.Usage: “Dotty, I keep telling that meshugge doctor, it’s mine ‘angst.’ He finally gave me a scan and said my angst was fine.”“Darling, what do they know? And by the way, maybe he checked only the left angst. The right could be your problem!”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.By all means, my dear readers, add to the list, and for all we know, we could create an off shoot of Yiddish in America: Yingloshen!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/English-Words-that-Sound-Yiddish.htmlEnglish Words that Sound YiddishApr 23, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWhen the hard truth must be told nothing says it like Yiddish.Yiddish is so delightful, hysterical, sarcastic, moving and loud that of course people of all ethnic backgrounds have adopted some of these words because … well, how else can you say what you really mean, with just the right amount of feeling if there weren’t Yingloshen?For example:You hear the IRS is auditing you back to 2005 (and you forgot a few things on the form). Pick one.a. Pity;b. Oh dearc. OY! (Alternatively Oy vey!)Your neighbor is the type who falls over his sneakers … that are tied with Velcro.a.He’s a little awkward;b. Maybe one leg is shorter?c. What a klutz!Your cousin’s boyfriend swiped all the leftover wine at Pesach.a.That’s nerve;b. such gall!c. What chutzpah!

“Kamikaze”: Yiddish: (Chametzkazi) Exploding chametz.Chances are, even if you grew up in North Dakota, you went with “C” on all three. After all, when the hard truth must be told nothing says it like Yiddish.So this got me thinking. Just as English has embraced Yiddish, there must be English words thatsound like they could, might, maybe fit into Yiddish too, right?OK, no. But there’s no law against having some fun with it. Join me.YINGLOSHEN : ENGLISH WORDS, THAT COULD, MIGHT, MAYBE BECOME YIDDISH“Kamikaze”English: A Japanese pilot who will go down with the plane.Yiddish: (Chametzkazi) Exploding chametz.Usage: Yes! Instead of cleaning, sweeping, wiping, shvitzing, should, God forbid, you forget the challah crumbs near the fridge, your chametzkazi will self-destruct within 60 seconds.“Livery”English: A place with vehicles for hire.Yiddish: Unsightly thing(s) hanging off or on you.––Usage: “Darling, forgive me, but your hands are starting to get a little…livery.”“Satchel”English: A bag with a shoulder strap.Yiddish: (Setchl) A bag so large it needs its own berth on the Queen Mary2.Usage: “Don’t worry mamalas. In mine setchl, I have enough food to feed a family of eight … should terrorists attack on our way to Bermuda.”\"Far-fetched\"English: Improbable, unlikely.Yiddish: (Fafetched) A person who complains about every tiny detail.Usage: “Irving, who CARES if your toothbrush faces west! Oy are you fafetched!”“Svelte”English: A person, usually a female, who is thin and looks gorgeous in anything.Yiddish: (Svelting) A person who’s boiling hot.Usage: “Oy, am I svelting on this beach! Murray, run inside the condo and put on the air conditioner before I plotz!”

“Squeamish”English: One who is easily made to feel sick, faint, or disgusted.Yiddish: (Sqveazmish) Such a hug, especially from a zaftig person, that you’re little son Moishe is scared of being crushed.Usage: Tante Leah, maybe a peck on the cheek is better. The pediatrician told us Moishe could be a candidate for weak shoulder bone syndrome so he advised against sqveazmishing.“Flunk”English: To fail as in a course in school.Yiddish: (“Flunkeit”) He/she may be educated, brilliant, talented, but at 47, still can’t get his brother-in-law to invest in his inventions.Usage: “You have some chutzpah calling my son a flunkeit! He already wrote to Shark Tankabout his electronic match for electronic cigarettes and his personalized popsicle stand!”“Doily”English: An ornamental mat.Yiddish: A Jewish potty.Usage: “Isaac mamala, before we go to bubbe’s do you need to use the doily?”“Far flung”English: Extending over a great distance.Yiddish: (Faflung) Stressed out from doing 25 different things at once.Usage: “Oy, between the kids, the cleaning, my website store, the in-laws, and now the painters, I’m so faflung I need a week at the Fontainebleau in Miami. ““Kindle”English: To set on fire.Yiddish: (“Kindleloshes”) Overcooked.Usage: “Selma, my daughter-in-law left her brisket in the oven for 48 hours at 500 degrees because she heard it makes it tender. Let me tell you, it was kindleloshes! OY, and how could I criticize, but there are only so compliments for ‘ashes from shoe leather’?”“Mangle”English: To injure, spoil, or ruin something or someone.Yiddish: Interfering with something when nobody asked for your help.Usage: Rosalie: “Listen, it’s obvious to me you’re having some marital issues. As you know I’m an expert in human relationships, so my advice is: ‘OPEN A MOUTH! I never liked him anyway!”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Aviva: “Did I ask you to mangle?! Did my mother ask you to mangle?! Did the Sisterhood?! No one. That’s who asked you to mangle! Quit with the marriage mangling and take up something less dangerous … like sword swallowing!”-“Lentil”English: Dried beans.Yiddish: A yenta in-training.Usage: In the school yard, little Hannah is the first to tell her friend 12-year-old friend, Ariel, “Y’know … that dress is nice. But maybe for your mother. I hope you don’t mind my saying it, but you know you’re my bff.”Ariel: And y’know, you’re nice, but you’re becoming a lentil – and someday you’ll be like yourmother.”See how perfectly our mama-loshen lends itself to both give and get back?Should you have a stroke of creativity of course by all means write in your faves, or your ––own English words that with a twist could make it in Yiddish in the comments section below.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48937597.htmlFall - The Most Wonderful Time of the YearSep 20, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleySummer is for kids. Fall is my kind of season.I still think I love Summer. Old habits die hard.After 13 years of school we still think of \"summer vacation\" as an inalienable right — a 614th Mitzvah given to . The fact that we haven't had one \"off\" for 37 years doesn't dampen our usenthusiasm. Like Hanukkah, where a chocolate coin in gold foil sends our kinderlach into a frenzy of joy, we expect that same toddler rush till we're eighty.We're a stupid race.These days, the length of \"summer\" directly correlates to my memory bank. Both are shrinking. When I was a teen, summer lasted two months.These days, the length of \"summer\" directly correlates to my memory bank. Both are shrinking.This year \"summer\" lasted an hour and a half -- from 2 3:30 PM-- on a Sunday. Boom! A whole –season reduced to 90 minutes of lying on my lounge chair with the two broken slats, watching the ice in my diet, anti-oxidant, pomegranate tea, barely make it to the melting stage.Now, with the New Year starting, sisterhoods calling,and Bar/Bat Mitzvah invites flooding in, I made a few notes about my \"Boomer Summer That Never Was.\" Here's how it stacks up.SUMMER FOR A TEEN VS. SUMMER FOR A BOOMERESS: THEN AND NOWTHEN: Sunbathing. Roasting to a golden brown, that would make a kosher pulke proud!.

NOW: Sun-phobic. Slathering a #247 skin blocker to get the mail and prevent my punim from further deteriorating into a relief map of my ancestral home pre-war Ukraine.–THEN: Floating on the water sipping a Coke, contemplating life's mysteries.Floating face-down in a puddle of Diet Cel-Ray contemplating the mystery of whoNOW: found and dropped this sacred secret stash I painstakingly collected when I —–heard the \"diet\" version was \"to be\" no more!THEN: Getting that hip glitter lip gloss.NOW: Getting that suspicious mole removed from my upper lip. THEN: Opening the windows as the warmth bathes dreamily over us. NOW: Opening the freezer until the hot flashes subside.THEN: Grabbing a shovel to build sand castles with my pals.NOW: Grabbing a shovel alone -- to clean up the sand-schmutz someone tracked all over –the house.THEN: Lying in a tent with my friend Rachel, gleefully gasping in horror at the \"strange\" shadows \"outside.\"NOW: Lying in an MRI machine, with my doctor gasping in horror at the strange shadows \"inside\" -- me.THEN: Tweezing around my eyebrows to get that clean look. NOW: Tweezing around my upper lip to lose the Geraldo look.–THEN: Driving with pals at 60 mph in a convertible with the wind in our hair. NOW: Driving at 30 mph so my Miracle Ear won't fly onto the highway.But, as always, Mama Nature does her glorious balancing act. Summer has faded ... and along comes Fall.THEN: Dreading that first day of school and seeing that witch Lynda-with-a-\"y\". Eew! Gotta schlep that \"book bag\" with the 1,019 page History of World Literature and re-read (double eew!!)....... \"Silas Marner.\" And ... yellow's the hot Fall color. Blechh! I'll look like algae! And ... uh oh ... I got \"Monsieur\" Grumet for French again, who leaves his crypt every morning just to torture me. And ... the SATs! It's clown college if I don't get over a 500 in Math. I knew it! There it is. A zit! ... And my tan is fading ... and ......NOW: Fall. The kids are back in school. The grown-ups are back in town obsessing on cell phones. I can walk without a respirator. My waffles (as in arms and thighs) are safely quaking under long sleeves. And … Yes, Fall. Ahhhh ... what a wonderful season!

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/Famous-Jews-and-Their-Pen-Pals.htmlFamous Jews and Their Pen PalsApr 8, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFrom Anne Frank’s Iowa pen pal to Groucho Marx’s correspondence with T. S. Elliot.Remember when becoming pen pals was a major way to reach out, meet, and form fascinating relationships with people who lived half a country or half a world away?–Back in the day, pen pals expected letters, with real words, information, and emotion. There was an actual address. There was time; time to absorb, learn, and think before replying. It was an intimate journey led by well-constructed words and feelings. Many led to lasting friendships, revelations, and more.Let’s look as some of the more fascinating “alliances” made by Members of the Tribe – and others.ANNE FRANK’S IOWA PEN PAL“When I received the letter, I shed tears,” Betty Ann recalled.abroad.A teacher started it all. Birdie Mathews taught for years at the Danville Community School, near Burlington. During vacations overseas, she saw the benefit of connecting students with pen palsIn 1940, one student, Juanita Wagner, age 10, wrote a letter, detailing her life on the family farm, and posted it to an address in Amsterdam. The recipient was a young Anne Frank.

Juanita’s letter prompted two replies from both Anne and her sister Margot (who wrote to Juanita’s sister Betty Ann). The letters were in English. No doubt Otto Frank translated. Anne also included a photo.Anne’s letter was dated April 29, less than two weeks prior to the Dutch surrender to the Nazis, though there was no talk of the war in her correspondence.“It was such a special joy as a child to have the experience of receiving a letter from overseas,” Betty Ann recalled years later.The Iowa sisters wrote back but never again received answers from Anne or Margot.After the war, Betty Ann, now a teacher herself, once again wrote. Otto Frank, in a long, hand- written letter described the now legendary story of the girls’ fate.“When I received the letter, I shed tears,” Betty Ann recalled. “The next day I took it with me to school and read (it) to my students. I wanted them to realize how fortunate they were to be in America during World War II.”BUT, GROUCHO MARX AND T.S. ELIOTIf ever there was an odd pairing, it had to be between the incomparable, incorrigible, and unconventional Jewish comedian and the anti-Semitic T.S. Eliot, author of The Waste Land. The letters were written between 1961 and 1964.Perhaps Groucho couldn’t resist the challenge or the opportunity to unleash his rancorous humor when he received a surprising missive from Eliot for a headshot of the comedian.Groucho obliged and received another note from the poet asking for a photo of Groucho with a mustache and holding a cigar. Groucho again obliged. Eliot then wrote a thank you.“This is to let you know that your portrait has arrived and has given me great joy and will soon appear in its frame on my wall with other famous friends such as W.B. Yeats and Paul Valery.”Groucho was then off and running, pushing his own Jewishness, and punching holes in the Anglophile’s pomposity given the poet’s American roots.Excerpted from Groucho’s letter: “Dear Tom…I think I read somewhere that your first name is the same as Tom Gibbons’, a prizefighter who once lived in St Paul.”He may have feigned ignorance of the poet’s known information: “My best to you and your lovely wife, whoever she may be.”

He calls him an “early American, (I don’t mean that you are an old piece of furniture, but you are a fugitive from St Louis). The name Tom fits many things. There was once a famous Jewish actor named Thomashevsky. All male cats are named Tom—unless they have been fixed.”In 1962, they finally met for dinner in London. It was one of the great dining disasters in history. In person, the two fizzled. \"There were awkward lulls in the conversation,\" according to Anna Knoebel at The Outlet. \"Neither man was inclined to discuss his own work, while the other was eager to praise it. They stopped writing shortly thereafter.\"Groucho’s famous quip: “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,” he once said to a host, “but this wasn't it\" may well have been said of the dinner. And so ended the pen pals.ALBERT EINSTEIN’S LITTLE-KNOWN CORRESPONDENCE WITH W.E.B. DU BOIS ABOUT EQUALITY AND RACIAL JUSTICEWe all know of Albert Einstein’s legacy in science. His very name is used in popular speech to mean “genius.” What is less known is his commitment to human rights, in an era where such views were not the norm. Among many examples, Einstein and Freud wrote to each other about human nature, violence and peace. Forgotten as well, was his friendship with the African-American singer, actor, and civil rights activist Paul Robeson. He also wrote to a small girl in South Africa, encouraging her not to let gender stop her from her scientific aspirations.While certainly his experience with anti-Semitism furthered his beliefs, his early correspondence on justice pre-dates the war. One superb example is his correspondence, starting in 1931, with early civil rights legend W.E.B. Du Bois, who requested a piece from Einstein to the journal of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People which Du Bois had co-founded 1909, 20 years after receiving a PhD. from Harvard, the first African-American to do so.Excerpted: “Sir: I am taking the liberty of sending you some copies of THE CRISIS magazine. THE CRISIS is published by American Negroes in defense of the citizenship rights of 12 million people descended from the former slaves of this country. We have just reached our 21st birthday. I am writing to ask if in the midst of your busy life you could find time to write us a word about the evil of race prejudice in the world. A short statement from you on this subject would help us greatly in our continuing fight for freedom. I should greatly appreciate word from you. Very sincerely yours, W. E. B. Du Bois”The 51-year-old Einstein answered within two weeks.“My Dear Sir! Please find enclosed a short contribution for your newspaper.”MICHAEL MAHLER AND HANA GREENFIELD

This last correspondence between pen pals is perhaps the most bittersweet, reflecting a universal human experience at a time of inexplicable inhumanity. It comes from Fragments of Memory: From Kolin to Jerusalem by Hana Greenfield who writes of her experience in Czechoslovakia during the Holocaust which includes correspondence with a relative of Jewish composer, Gustav Mahler.Michael Mahler was a young boy, and Hana, a young girl. Hana explains that just prior to the war, as Jews were increasingly cut off from the world, the Jewish community created pen pals opportunities, so Jews could feel less isolated and share news.The first letter Hana received was from the young Michael Mahler, an ardent Zionist, who was at “hachshara” where he was preparing to make aliyah to Palestine. Hana, who was raised in a more assimilated family, was a bit wary of one who would abandon his homeland. Yet, she wrote back, describing her family, town, the Elbe river (called “Labe”) as well as restrictions imposed upon Jews by the Nazis … and added her own dreams.With each letter, their mutual curiosity about each other grew. Photos were shared. Hana was taken with the slim, tall, attractive boy. She sent a photo of herself in her new Rosh Hashanah coat.The restrictions in Hana’s town grew, as the Jewish women became forced labor. Their holdings were confiscated, and food was scarce.Michael wrote that his preparatory group had been dissolved and he was being sent home. As Jews needed a permit from Gestapo for all trips, he asked for and got permission to stop overnight when his train passed through her town.A first meeting between the pen pals. He arrived hungry and tired … but he was everything she had imagined, with dark hair, blue eyes, and a beautiful smile. They talked the entire night. Young Hana, at age 15, fell instantly in love.Hana watched the devastation around her worsen. She was taken to the Terezin Ghetto. A year after her confinement, the Jews of Hradec Kralove, Michael’s town, arrived and as was customary, they were brought into the Schloize, a large hall.Hana managed to slip in.And there he was with his parents. Their eyes met.He awkwardly shook her hand, and introduced her to his parents. She gave them food which she smuggled from the kitchen where she worked.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Then next time she saw Michael, he was lying on a thin mattress burning with fever from an inflamed appendix. With food, Hana bribed someone to transfer Michael to one of the ill equipped hospitals in the ghetto.She was told he was undergoing surgery.The following day, a friend who was assigned to nursing duty, ran to tell Hana, that Michael had died from a ruptured appendix. The funeral would take place in a few hours.Shocked and dazed, she made her way to the mortuary, which was much like a factor with wooden boxes piled upon each other. Names were called quickly while a rabbi said KaddishWrote Hana: \"Michael’s mother and I walked together behind the hearse, piled w/wooden coffins pulled by prisoners up to the gate from where only the dead had the privilege to leave the ghetto.\"Hana gave his mother their pen-pal letters and the two were never to meet again. The date was Jan.7, 1943.Michael’s dream became hers. Said Hana: “It was I who fulfilled Michael’s aspirations. I survived the concentration camps, made aliyah and became a Hebrew-speaking Zionist in my own free country, Israel.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/Fascinating-Jewish-Fathers-and-Sons.htmlFascinating Jewish Fathers and SonsJun 13, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWith Father’s Day around the corner, here’s our salute to some extraordinary Jewish fathers.Make a speech in front of any group of Jews and ask them their first reactions to these two words: “Jewish Mother.” Wear protective gear. “Loves her kids – to death!” “Always with the food!” “She won’t take a ‘no.’” “Oy, the guilt!” Then, as the titters subside, you might hear: “Kids first.” “Smart.” “Funny.” “Determined.” “Cares.” And ... “I miss her.” Never in the history of any culture has the word “mother” evoked such connection.Max proudly kept a photo of his son “Spock” in his barber shop and when kids asked for a “Spock” haircut he obliged – for 75 cents.If our Jewish mamas have staked their emotional claim with intensity, Jewish papas on the other hand are at times shrouded in mystery. Today, while he’s often the titular head of the household (“Ask daddy”) who, like the old saw, makes the “Big Decisions,” he’s often back-seated, in stereotype and in media.Yet, many of us have been blessed withextraordinary fathers. In their way, there was much more: Papa, the learned; the bearer of Big Principles; the Permission giver who took us by the hand out of mama’s grasping one, to introduce us to the world, even if he was out-voted by mama on the big sweet vs. sour gefilte issue.

As a writer, I prefer letting the words, the stories, evoke information and feeling. So this year I’ve devoted this column to giving you, my dear readers, a sense of some fascinating Jewish Fathers and sons.Papa … At the Start, At the EndA legendary star in Yiddish Theater and mainstream media, Paul Muni (Frederich Meshilem Meier Weisenfreund) was born (1895) into show business in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. After coming to the U.S. with his parents, both Yiddish actors, Muni started in the Yiddish theater at age 12. His papa Nachum Favel Weisenfreund (known as Philip) who owned a theater in New York in the early 1900s, was a huge influence on the boy who would become one of the most renowned actors of his time starring in acclaimed vehicles such as the 1936 film “The Story of Louis Pasteur,” “The Good Earth” (1937) and the 1955 Broadway production of “Inherit the Wind.”Muni once recalled a funny anecdote about his papa who was dedicated to Yiddish Theater: One day papa saw a Yiddish play in which the son of a great Rabbi was called home from the yeshiva to learn that his father was dead and his mother had quickly married his father's brother, who had now become the new Rabbinic leader. He didn’t realize he was watching a Yiddish version of “Hamlet.” Muni recalled that his dad was so affected by the production, he blurted out, \"Now this is Yiddish theater!\" His father’s death when Muni was in his teens was a lasting devastation. Yet, papa’s teachings remained throughout his life … and at the very end. In his youth he once told his father, “Papa, I’m hungry.” But not for food, he explained, “I want to be better.” In 1967, at age 72, the brilliant actor “of many faces,” in the hospital with a failing heart, opened his eyes, and, talking to a photograph of his father, said his last words —“Papa, I’m hungry.”A Cut AboveThe late Leonard Nimoy, who died last February, was no doubt heavily influenced by his Orthodox Jewish father, Max. His parents snuck across the Russian-Polish border during the Soviet era, and settled in Boston, where Max became a popular local barber. Leonard, who spoke both Yiddish and Hebrew remained close to the Jewish community throughout his life. More, as fans know, he created the “Vulcan Salute” – a Jewish tribute. He explained (excerpted): \"When I was about 8 years old, sitting in the synagogue at high holiday services with my family, there comes a moment when the congregation is blessed by (the Kohanim).When they give this blessing, you're supposed to avert your eyes. I peeked, and I saw these guys with their hands stretched out toward the congregation - in that split-fingered gesture. Sometime later, I learned that the shape that hand creates is the letter shin, the first letter in one of the names of the Almighty. So the suggestion is that they're using a symbol of God's

name with their hands as they bless the congregation.\" While dad wanted his son to be a “professional,” he took great pride in Leonard’s success. Papa Max proudly kept a photo of “Spock” in his shop and when kids asked for a “Spock” haircut he obliged — for 75 cents.Jewish Pioneer PapaIn 1897, the fearless, five foot tall, 110 pound Sol Floersheim bought a ranch near Springer, New Mexico in 1897 and later opened stores in other New Mexico towns. In 1953, his son Carl wrote of his father’s exploits that included a meet up with Billy the Kid, and his father’s -skill at frontier medicine (he delivered 300 babies). Sol helped found Congregation Montefiore and wouldn’t abide anti-Semitism. When a young fellow referred to Sol, age 70, as “a dirty Jew,” Carl reported, “My father gave him such a licking!” More, in an era of exploitation, Sol treated his employees humanely and fairly.The Kewl Katz Jewish Dynasty …“Come to Papa, Bubbeleh” ... was a line from one of Mickey Katz’s English-Yiddish parodies. Born in June, 1909, the musician-comedian who Yinglishized works like, The Barber of Shlemiel and Little Red Rosenberg, was not only a brilliant talent in his own right, but papa to the legendary Joel Grey and grandpapa to Jennifer! Once, after his opening number, an audience member stood and said, “Hey, Katz, I saw your boy Joel last night in “Cabaret.” He’s better than you.” “You haven’t seen me do anything yet,” Katz replied. “I’ve seen enough already,” said the woman.It all started when Katz, at age 11, heard a clarinet concert at the Talmud Torah. A funny jazz musician with a flair for klezmer music and Jewish parodies was born. Being Jewish \"was always popular in my house,\" recalled papa Katz. \"The only people it wasn't popular with were those who were frightened.\" His work is now being revived by groups like the Klezmer Conservatory Band.Dad’s Jewish pride informed son Joel who, when discussing his Broadway role in “The Grand Tour” (1979), said: “I’d never played a Jewish person before. It feels good.” Joel, who achieved stardom in Cabaret (1966), also headed up a committee to free ballet dancers Valery Panov, a Jew, and wife Galin from the Soviet Union, for which Grey received the Israel Humanitarian Award (1974) at the White House. In 1996, at a Jewish Community Federation event, he talked about his famous dad who taught him about life onstage and off, ending with a rendition of My Yiddishe Papa. The dynasty continues with Grey’s daughter, Jennifer who is an actress perhaps best known for her role as “Baby” in Dirty Dancing.“LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”“This is my story. This is the sacrifice my father made. This was the gift he gave me.” – Giosue (Joshua)

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Roberto Benigni’s 1997 film is a surreal fable about the Holocaust. Benigni, who won the Best Actor Oscar, played Guido, an Italian Jewish father who undertakes the mythical task of protecting his young child, Giosue, from the horrors of a concentration camp by turning it into a game.GIOSUE: ... they’re always yelling. They’re really mean here.GUIDO: Well yeah ... because first prize is so good. Everybody wants to win the tank so they have to be tough.GIOSUE: How much longer till I see Mommy? GUIDO: When the game’s over you’ll see her ...The Jewish father is a complex pastiche for whom morality, ethics and trust is often taught by example. Responsibility is unquestioning. Love and protection is without qualification. Jewish principles aren’t merely guidelines, they are living values. Many a Jewish Father too, is a dreamer; and he dreams for us. And with such a guide there is no distance.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/Father-Labor.htmlFather LaborAug 31, 2013by Marnie Winston-Macauleyhe or o tsy Sfam u e l Go per :ms tfaher o t fh eA m eri c a nla orba n d tr a d eun n iomovement.For most people Labor Day is the time we give those hazy lazy days of summer a huge send- off with picnics, barbecues and fireworks. It’s also bittersweet as we prepare to double our workload, send the kinder back to school, face holiday stress …….. and shop for mammoth parkas, and snow shovels.His Jewish upbringing contributed to his lifelong passion for justice in the work place.Yet, few of us actually pay homage to the holiday itself and its founder, the most important labor advocate in American history who transformed working conditions foverver: Samuel Gompers. For We Jews, there is special pride in recognizing Gompers, as he, too was a Jew.Jews and labor, much like Jews and chicken soup,have been inexorably tied for years in Europe. This fervor spread to America, thanks to the London-born Gompers, the son of Solomon and Sarah, nee Rood. His childhood and teachings in Judaism no doubt contributed to his life long passion for justice in the work place.

“What does labor want? We want more school houses and less jails. More books and less guns. More learning and less vice. More leisure and less greed. More justice and less revenge. We want more ... opportunities to cultivate our better natures.”– Samuel GompersSamuel Gompers, born on January 27, 1850 in a London tenement, came from Dutch-Jewish stock. The family settled in England for financial reasons, but life wasn’t much better for his dad, a cigar maker whose paltry salary couldn’t be stretched beyond a one room flat to shelter his brood of six.School for little Samuel was a luxury. While he was at the top of his class at the Jewish Free School in London, he had to quit at age ten to add to the family’s larder. After a short apprenticeship as a shoemaker he soon switched to his father’s cigar-making trade. But the boy, hungry for knowledge, went to night school learning Hebrew and studying the Talmud, which he later said, was similar to studying law.Poverty, the experience of being a child laborer, and his Jewish teachings primed the boy to become the major force for the workforce.–Seeking new opportunities, the family borrowed the funds to immigrate to America and settled in Manhattan's Lower East Side in 1863 when Samuel was just 13. Initially, Samuel worked with dad, manufacturing cigars at home, but the teen wanted more, and to get it, he would have to teach himself. He and his friends formed a debating club, which honed his skills as a public speaker and taught him parliamentary procedure. It also put him contact with other upwardly mobile peers, who would eventually play a role in his mission.By age 14, he joined the Cigar Makers International Union [CMIU]. (Ten years later, in 1874, Gompers helped found local 144 of the CMIU, and became its president, remaining a life long member).Throughout the 1870’s, he continued to learn, becoming active in the International Workingman's Association, the Economic and Sociological Club, and the Workingman's Party of the United States. These alliances cemented his commitment to labor unionism. During this time, he also made another life-changing commitment when, at age 17, he married Sophia Julian then became a father the following year. The close couple had eight children and remained devoted until her death.In 1881, Gompers was a delegate for the CMIU, at a conference to found the Federation of Organized Trade and Labor Unions [FOTLU] of the USA and Canada. Its objective was to influence, prepare legislation, and lobby Congress on behalf of labor. Gompers took a

leadership role. As an officer of FOTLU (1881 to 1886) he focused on compulsory school attendance laws, regulation of child labor, the eight hour day, higher wages, safe and sanitary working conditions, and workplace democracy.When the FOTLU was reconstituted in 1886 as the American Federation of Labor [AFL] Gompers became its president, a position he held until his death (with one short sabbatical) in 1924. During the early days the AFL was a tiny organization based in an 8 by 10 room in a shed. Its treasury was a whopping $160, and his son was the office boy. During that time Gompers also served as a vice president in the CMIU and played an active role in the New York State Workingman's Assembly.Politically, he was initially sympathetic to the precepts of socialism, but gradually adopted a more conservative approach to the dismay of more radical labor organizers. Gompers was devoted to capitalism and collective bargaining, preaching moderation and stressing cooperation which he believed was pivotal to emancipating labor. Internally, he promoted harmony among the craft unions to minimize jurisdictional battles. By 1904, 18 years after the fledgling AFL was founded, it claimed 1.7 of the two million union members in the U. S. and by the 1920s membership had exploded to millions.*In World War 1, he supported President Woodrow Wilson's policies and organized the War Committee on Labor, including representatives from both labor and business that established an unprecedented wartime labor policy. At the end of the War, Wilson appointed Gompers to the Commission on International Labor Legislation at the Versailles Peace Conference, where he helped to create what became the International Labor Organization (ILO), under the League of Nations.Gompers was well known and respected for his integrity, his generosity and his willingness to stand up to power. The first six years of his presidency he served without a salary, and also paid many of his own expenses.For almost four decades, Gompers worked tirelessly until his mission had been accomplished. His belief led to the development of procedures for collective bargaining and contracts between labor and management which are still in use today.When Samuel Gompers died on December 13, 1924, his funeral was a national event. President Taft sent a message and members of the Government, and Governor Smith of New York were among those present. Tens of thousands of people lined the streets as the funeral cortege passed. The rabbi who conducted the funeral service said that knowing Gompers as he did, he felt that “his idealism, his unfaltering courage, and love of his fellow-men were nurtured by his Jewish past. America remade this immigrant lad even as she has remade

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.multitudes of immigrant sons and daughters. His career was an American epic. Gompers died a poor man, but he had left a great cause. He was the pioneer of the American Labor movement and he played a great and honorable part in liberating men from bondage.”And there was one more achievement. It was Samuel Gompers who created Labor Day to be celebrated on the first Monday in September. So hoist a cup of Manischewitz in honor of the Jewish immigrant who forever changed the lives of the American worker.*In 1955, The AFL merged with the Congress of Industrial Organizations to form the AFL-CIO, the largest labor organization in the world.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Fauxpologies-When-Anti-Semites-Apologize.htmlFauxpologies: When Anti-Semites ApologizeJun 2, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWhen anti-Semites get caught, they are often forced to apologize, or what I call “fauxpologize.”A Classic:Shlomo sits on a park bench reading an anti-Semitic newsletter. His friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.\"What are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading a Jewish paper!\"Shlomo replies, the Jewish news has stories about intermarriage, Anti-Semitism, problems in Israel ... all kinds of troubles for us. This paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the press, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control Hollywood. At my age it's better to read good news!\"“I did not intend to be anti- Semitic.”The irony is seen in the joke. If we had even a fraction of the power, wealth, and control assigned to us by Jew-haters, Israel would be the size of Asia, Tsimmis would be our national dish, and Hitlerwould have been an unknown truly twisted house painter.We all know that few groups have been targeted as evil conspirators with such vitriol as We Jews. In the Middle Ages, whenever a Christian child disappeared or was found dead, we were accused of using their blood for our Passover matzo. And it didn’t stop after we were blamed

for the plague that swept across Europe in the mid-14th century. The prevailing “wisdom” at the time had us running around dumping poison into wells. Of course our laws of kashrut and cleanliness kept us safer, but such is the nature of mass anti-Semitism and ignorance.Today, “ignorance” isn’t a pass or basis of an apology. Historical evidence abounds that lets us off the hook for bloody matzo, plague-causing and other odious Jewish “plots.”Yet, we’re still seeing anti-Semitism and Jewish conspiracy theories in major triple digits as chaos seems to be correlated with: “The Jews Did It.” Of course the difference is … the offender (if elected) can always tweet or hashtag: mayorB#jewfauxpology – and reach millions.Just this past March, a DC council member, Trayon White, posted a video linking Jewish bankers to controlling the weather. White can be heard narrating in the background blabbering: “It just started snowing out of nowhere this morning, man. You all better pay attention to this climate control, man, this climate manipulation … that’s a model based off of the Rothschilds, controlling the climate to create natural disasters they can pay for to own the cities, man. Be careful.”After the brouhaha in response, he “apologized” saying: “The Jewish community have been allies with me in my journey to help people. I did not intend to be anti-Semitic, and I see I should not have said that after learning from my colleagues.”A government official “did not intend” and needed to “learn?” What? Fourth grade science and history?One thing is for sure: White does read. He heard the “fake news” somewhere as the “Jewish ability” to unleash our stormy wrath has been around and occupy odd corners of the Internet. And he bought it: the belief that the Rockefeller Foundation’s Resilient Cities initiative in league with the Rothschilds, is really a secret conspiracy to cause freak weather to destroy people, livestock and farms, and thereby control and reduce the population of North America.I should mention that Yemeni Professor Ahmad Muhammad Al-‘Ajal, in a TV interview in 2005, warned against Zionist child abductions during earthquakes and tsunamis in Southeast Asia.Councilperson White then, heard or read it – somewhere. And believed it. Even if you’re in a mind-melting brain fog … let’s take a look in the simplest, even humorous of terms.The Rockefellers? To my knowledge John D. didn’t change his name from Flockenhellers to fool Gentiles into letting him invest in a refinery in Cleveland. A baby step further: why would We Jews, who are said to control everything from climate to secret machinations for world dominance, settle in Israel, probably the only country in the Mid-East without oil?

Then there’s Jeremy Corbyn who’s been a member of the British Parliament since “Sue,” the best preserved Tyrannosaurus rex specimen was found. Corbyn, the leader of the Labour Party made no secret of his close association with anti-Semitic groups and individuals. An honest mistake? In fairness, many of us have “befriended” nutballs now and then, and cut them loose. But if you hang around a bevy of scurvy anti-Semites, it’s like being a health nut marketing funnel cake.Corbyn, who has said he’s “sincerely sorry for the pain which has been caused” is rushing around looking to break matzo with Jewish leaders. Note the wording: “the pain which has been caused.” And that pain was “caused” by – whom? Not there. And the pain itself? Shall we start with his comment in 2012 that artist’s Kalen Ockerman’s mural looks like a scene drawn from the vociferously anti-Semitic Protocols of the Elders of Zion? His “apology” is regret over not looking “more closely at the image.” This high-placed British politician has also been a member of Facebook groups, one that displayed Jews harvesting organs and conspiracy theories connecting Israel and the Islamic State. His “apology?” “Had I seen it (anti-Semitism) I would have challenged it.” In 2009, he referred to the Hezbollah and Hamas as “friends.” He later “recanted” – sort of – by saying I was merely using “inclusive language” which, looking back “I would rather not have used.” We move on to Corbyn’s meetings with “Deir Yassin Remembered,” an anti-Israel group founded by Holocaust denier Paul Eisen. Corbyn’s response? When he knew Eisen, the man was not a Holocaust denier.“Apologies” all. But such is the nature of apologies. Much like the quote on truth – “apologies have many faces.” The true apology is heartfelt. The wrong-doer steps up personally and makes no excuses involving “ignorance” of the obvious and mush motives. The “I’m sorry, -buts” don’t cut it. Apologies in the passive voice (“the pain that was caused”) without an unqualified admission, apologies that hedge, qualify, excuse, deflect, obfuscate, are transparently self-serving and disingenuous are non-apologies or fauxpologies. Simply, they’re damage control.Examples:“I’m sorry my statements, taken out of context have caused pain.”“hashtag: Siteadm#nooffenseintended“We apologize if mistakes were made.”“hashtag: GovL#regrettable”misconstruction”Fauxpologies can be as insulting and dangerous as the original sin. In our era of the lightning sound bite, tweets, and instant responses, the quick listener may impart forgiveness, even support, and be caught unaware until the next fauxpology.–

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.In Judaism, as with many of our noble efforts to care, empathize, atone, and forgive –blessings all, the flip side is the old saw: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”We Jews are a glorious amalgam of many things. “Fool” is not one of them. In judging whom to forgive, particular in public life, and therefore, whom to trust, the evidence is in the behavior, but we must also look to the “apology.”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Fighting-Fair-Jews-vs-Non-Jews.htmlFighting Fair: Jews vs. Non-JewsAug 12, 2017by Marnie Winston-MacauleyN o n - J ew wsa it for t he ri g ht time o r t ag u e .J ew sm u st t ge e ervy th in goff the r ichests immediately!We Jews are nothing if not fair with the people in our lives. Fairness is a religious and cultural duty. But we have complicated rules, laws, and really long fables from before Moses, to prevent us from blowing like Krakatoa should, say, our mate take a shortcut his friend at shul gave him from New York to Miami through Mississippi. After many years of working with –people on how to manage anger I’ve learned: Don’t make a Jew mad. The “professional” strategies that work for others, with us? Not so much. Because you see, more than laws and anecdotes, We Jews also have a certain –personality.FOUR FAIR FIGHTING STRATEGIES: THEM VS. US STRATEGY ONE: TIMINGTHEM: Always choose a good time to argue.A person who’s stressed, or has just come from 14 hours of work with no sleep is in no mood to hear: “Christopher! We have to talk! This minute!” He wants to change into his bathrobe, with a beer, maybe a computer game, and space from you. (Think the distance to Jupiter.) –Better to make an appointment to argue.US: Always choose getting it off your chest now!What? Your tooth is exploding, but you should wait till Dr. Fleigelman can give you “an appointment?” Of course not! Listen, if you hold in aggravation, you could wind up with an intense case of

“bile imea” which will chew up your liver and end your relationship with corned beef. You -should go through this, when he’s wrong?! Also, if you wait, till say, after dinner, you may be:a)too bloated to have a decent talk, b) you might miss “The Housewives of Ramat Gan,” or c) given our forgiving nature, forget what you were mad about altogether.STRATEGY TWO: LET EACH PERSON TALKTHEM: Always make sure each person has an uninterrupted time to talk.When two people are talking over each other, who can understand the issue? No one. Worse, you may not hear what’s being said, or make an incorrect assumption and wind up arguing over the wrong thing.US: Always make sure no one else gets a word in.Should, heaven forbid, other humans talk, they may have a point we already know or –assume and have decided to disagree with. –Interrupting then, is one terrific time-saver. We also have the unusual ability to hear everybody better when they’re all talking at once. In the beginning, scientists thought it came from our running. When you have one minute to tell 1000 Jews to turn left at the desert, you’d better speed it up. However in 1947, Dr. David D. Dubinsky of Kielce, Poland found that We Jews have a distinctive genetic thingy for distinguishing up to 2500 voices at a time.STRATEGY THREE: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGETHEM: Always use words that do not attack, blame, or shame others, and add the word “I” along with the consequences to you of others’ behavior. A verbal attack is much like an assault. Once one hears: “You’re a liar” (“lazy,” “a drunk, “uncaring”) – you were, are, and always will be!” they’re probably not hearing you. Whoever said, “Thanks for calling me a liar, darling. Now, I know my problem!” Much better to say: “When you were late, I was worried.”US: Curse in a foreign language and forget the “I.” There’s only you.If you don’t blame and shame, they won’t know their problem! True, telling them in no uncertain terms may make them temporarily mean, but in the long run they’ll thank you for clarifying their personality. Or at least know they shouldn’t fool with you. However … civility demands a certain deftness, consideration and the desire not to scar young children for life –should they overhear, therefore it’s always best to mouth-off in Yiddish. Here are a few well- chosen words and expressions you can memorize:“You’re an Alte Makhsheyfe:” – “old witch.”“Yeah? Well, you’re an alter trombenik:” – “old blowhard.” “What can you expect from a yutz?” – “ignoramus?”“Feh on you!” – an exclamation of disgust.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.STRATEGY FOUR: THE NEGOTIATIONTHEM: Always negotiate “What’s Fair?”An argument should not be seen as who is right/wrong, but a problem to be solved by negotiating a peaceful resolution.US: Always negotiate so everyone else understands that you decide what’s fair.It’s not only a blessing, but a mitzvah to point out how fair you have been, to insure their “future fairness.” If not, it’s up to you to decide the fate of the person who is too dumb to be a person. Should he or she refuse to accept your “negotiation,” you may say one of the following helpful yet clever sentences.You should grow a wooden tongue.If you were twice as smart, you’d be an idiot.Your stomach will rumble so badly, you'll think it was Purim noisemaker.As you can see, while the trendy shrinks of the month may give us “trendy” strategies, after more than 3000 years of rotten neighbors, We Jews know people!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Finding_Beauty_in_Tragedy.htmlFinding Beauty in TragedyOct 3, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyM yh u s b a n d ju st h da ad vea ast tin g tsro eka nd h t e po er owfJ ew i sh hu m oris helping me get through it.On August 5, my husband of 30 years, Ian, had a devastating stroke. I found him wedged between two kitchen cabinets. He couldn’t get up, nor could I lift him. At first I thought he’d tripped. It quickly became clear that something horrific had happened.I called 911, then ran back to him.In that moment, we both felt it might be our last together.In that moment, we both felt it might be our last together. Through tears, we spoke the words that had been silent between us for far too long.Our marriage hasn’t been idyllic. But, much like theCyclone at Coney Island, the highs were thrilling. On top, it’s been a heady journey with this brilliant former New York Times senior editor, who opened up the world to me; a world of scholars, actors, and Nobel Laureates. It was Ian who encouraged me to write, and edited my early pieces. Somehow, we made it through without divorce or serious bodily injury. His genius as an editor was in two deceptively simple principles: “If it ain’t broke, don’t futz with it.” and “You’re a writer if somebody pays you!”And now this lifelong wordsmith, was struck down. He’s lost the use of his left side, his speech is slurred, and there are blood pressure, and swallowing issues. For those who have been through something similar, you know. You know the fear, the horrific insult to the body, and most of all, that life, will be forever changed.He’s currently in a fourth rehab, and then Medicare in house is over. I’ll bring him home if I -have to carry him on my back. (Massage offers, welcome.)I’ve been through devastating tragedy before, and know that these times shadow you forever. The thoughts, feelings, fears, are easily re-triggered with each new crisis. Yes, they can weaken the soul, but they can also strengthen, providing they’re met with optimism, determination,

the ability to major multi-task at warp speed and yes, humor.–“Humor?” “Stroke?” For those who poo poo Jewish humor, I promise you, it’s not only alive, it can keep you alive. It’s even “catching.” There are now hospital staff, from African-Americans to Filipinos, saying “Oy vey!” when he swallows wrong, and “chutzpah” a lot -- usually about me.CASE MANAGER: “Well, he’s not making the progress we’d hoped for, so … “ME: “Mamala!? I’m deaf, he can’t speak! Finally, a perfect match! OK, true, we can both plotz and no one will find us, so, how about we get him into the best next rehab and work on his criticism skill. Trust me, he’ll correct a parrot.”I’m up to three shows a day. I’m thinking of taking it on the road: “ ‘Stroking’ on Your Summer Vacation!”I’d open with Medicare. I’ve learned when you’ve had a stroke on Medicare you’re suddenly Mr. Popularity. At the first place, a lady visited to make short-term rehab plans at her facility. But wait … there’s more. Then, a chipper fellow with teeth like piano keys and a brochure that resembled the Mirage bopped in. It seems Medicare pays them $140 a day, so the competition makes Survivor contestants look like they’re in a coma. At his place, Ian would be surrounded by antiques (faux), satellite TV (which no one could work), a fridge that fit nothing, and cute “activities” like “let’s-do-our-nails-Wednesday.” So there he went. Finding an empty glass, however, was a problem they hadn’t yet licked.“Can Jews take shower onh u r s d a y ? ”Of course, I turned to the government -- a fate that should have its own Yiddish curse. For this you need more than humor. Hysteria helps. Speaking of curses, or more precisely “sins” Ian’s come up with anew one. On a particular Thursday night, a lovely Filipino CNA, asked me in broken English: “Can Jews take shower on Thursday?”ME: “Wha …? Back up Rena, what are you talking about?”HER: “Well, Monday, he say ‘Jews can no take showers on Monday.’” ME: “Who said?”HER: “Yo husband say ‘Jews no take showers on Mondays. So Thursday OK for Jew?”He can barely talk or swallow, yet in this new “world according to Ian” (who doesn’t want to be shlepped to a wheelchair), Jews can’t shower on Mondays. I saw his lip curl.

“You couldn’t have at least chosen SHABBOS?!” I asked. I suggested that staff run his ‘religious reasons’ by me in the future.Driving. Megellan, I’m not. As soon as someone says: “Go South on I-95, make a U-turn at the Interstate …” I start humming the theme from Jeopardy! When Ian had to be transferred yet again, I was told Medicare doesn’t cover it. I suppose the Feds expect the “stroke stork” to “beak” them down from hospital to hospital. So, I bravely decided to take him myself . Picture it. Wheel chair, catheter, and a 140 pound man who can’t walk or hold his head upright.On the ten minute ride, there was Ian, strapped in next to me –pointing at a STOP sign, a mile away. As usual he was directing my driving! Naturally, I couldn’t find the right entrance. I said: “Don’t worry, we’ll find it soon,” to which he replied, quite clearly: “No we won’t.”Another “positive” is, I’ve lost 25 pounds, can lift a Hummer, and could enter NASCAR – as a human vehicle. This, from a woman who, on August 4, assumed only two positions: lying and sitting. The next day, I revved from zero to 100, racing, shlepping, rising at dawn, unpacking our apartment including 5000 books, running to the hospital, learning occupational, speech therapy, and yes, automotive maintenance.I call it “The Stroke Diet.” I’d take it public but it still has a few kinks.Ask any of “us” relatives of stroke victims. We can tell who we are. We’re the ones wearing our clothes inside out, who alternate from hyper mania to coma, with fucilli-gone-wild do’s. (Finally, a nurse “dreadlocked” me.) In this small private world we bond instantly. One Black mom, Doris, (whose son had a stroke), and I fell into each other’s arms. Her comment? “We’re gonna live a long time, honey.” Why? At the same time, we said simply: “Because we have to.”Not a day goes by when I don’t thank God for the 3000 years of Jewish mishpocheh, whose strong DNA I’m privileged to have running through my veins. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about the Jewish women who have gone through unimaginable pain and loss especially during the Holocaust. I take enormous comfort from them. If they could endure torture, the camps, gas chambers, then this, I’ve decided, must be a cakewalk. Every moment I feel their loving arms around me, and hear their words: “We are a culture of rachmones; of survival. Do what you must, mamala. One step at a time. Because you have to.”I don’t know what the future will hold. But now I “Look to the ottoman!”The other day I bought an ottoman on local webcam E-bay Channel 108. What a find! A 50 pound used, leather ottoman for storage which could double as a much needed table, for 15 bucks!

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.One of my Jewish mama-muses tapped me on the shoulder, saying: “Bring it to the hospital. Show Ian. Show him … the future. That you believe in the future, with him home. A future with new understanding and promise between you.”So I shlepped our ottoman the mile from the car to the hospital (sitting on it every 30 feet). I’ve been known to be quirky, but a woman, clothes inside out, with half a head of dreadlocks holding a massive round ottoman, was, as one doctor put it: “A first.”Ian liked the ottoman. I went on to describe “the deal,” where we’d put it, etc.I don’t know what the future will hold. But now I “Look to the ottoman!” The way I figure, life’s a lot like that. A bit worn sometimes, a bit frayed … but built of precious material. And oh, the capacity for beauty, that has been, and God willing, is still to be stored!I’d like to take an important moment to publicly thank those, most in the least position to help, who have done so with rachmones, and love. This, to me, is the highest of mitzvahs, and you are my angels!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Funniest-Jokes-about-Jewish-Fathers.htmlFunniest Jokes about Jewish FathersJun 9, 2019by Marnie Winston-MacauleyIn ho or onfF a ther’sD a y , here rea t h e funni e st J ew i s h jo e ksa b o u t o r eublov d edads.In honor of father’s day here are the funniest Jewish jokes about our beloved dads:’TIS THE SEASON: IT’S ONLY BUSINESSTo paraphrase Jackie Mason, every Jew knows a building he could have bought 20 years ago for nine dollars. My own father, may he rest in peace, used to count Polaroid stock splitting –that he didn’t buy. True or stereotype, Jews enjoy joking about business as much as doing it.A Classic:Mr. Solomon was drowning. “Help! Help!” he screamed.The lifeguard swam to his rescue and shlepped him to shallow water. “Mister, can you float alone?!” he asked.“Boychick,” gasped Solomon, “you picked some time to talk business!”My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all Yiddish speaking Canada. - David SteinbergTHE DEATHBEDLevine was dying, and his sorrowing family was gathered around his bed. Eyes closed, he murmured weakly, \"Are you there, Becky?\"\"I'm here, Jake,\" said Mrs. Levine, weeping. \"And Sammy, you're there?\"

\"I'm here, Papa,\" said the oldest son. “And mine Tobila?\"\"I'm here, Papa,\" said the oldest daughter.One by one, Levine went through the list of his children down to the youngest, and each assured him of his or her presence. Levine's eyes opened wide, he raised himself to his elbows and cried out,\"So who's minding the store?\"THE FATHER-IN-LAWSchwartz went to meet his new son-in-law-to-be, Sol, who was very religious. “So nu, tell me Sol, what do you do?”“I study Torah,” he replied.“Admirable, but how are you going to house and feed my daughter?” “No problem. I study Torah and it says God will provide.”“But you’ll have children. How will you clothe them?” “Not a problem. God will provide.”Schwartz returned home to his wife who anxiously asked what Sol is like.“Well,” said Schwartz, “He’s a lovely boy. I only just met him, and he already thinks I’m God.”“Exactly four Shema Yisraels.*” -- Marvin Silbermintz, gag writer for Jay Leno, who, in Northridge, California, was at the epicenter of the earthquake in 1993, responding to his father’s question: “How long did the earthquake last?”EINSTEIN WHO? WHAT?“So my college boy, exactly what did Einstein do that was so smart?” asked his papa.“He revolutionized physics! He proved matter is energy! That when light goes past the Sun, it bends. That – ”“Awright, awright!” said the old man. “But from this he made a living?”JEWISH PAPA: OUT OF THIS WORLD!A Martian landed in Beverly Hills on the lawn of Mr. Pushnik.“Take me to your leader,” said the dripping green hulk with the six eyes. “Forget it,” replied Pushnik. “She’s in Palm Springs.”

BUT ON THE OTHER HANDMr. Fliegel and his daughter Rebecca were discussing some of her choices in men. Papa didn’t entirely approve. Trying to break through to him Rebecca asked, \"Papa, would you prefer to have the son-in-law of your dreams with me miserable, or let me choose the man of my dreams and you learn to love him?Fliegel pondered for a minute and replied: \"I'd rather have the son-in-law of my dreams andyou learn to love him!\"HONESTY, THE BEST POLICYDuring cheder, Marvin, the history teacher, asked young Benjamin Solomon, \"Who blew down the walls of Jericho?\"\"Not me. Honest.\"Marvin called Benjamin’s father.\"Mr. Solomon, during history I asked Benjy who blew down the walls of Jericho and I was surprised when he answered that it wasn't him.\"\"Vell,\" said Mr. Solomon, \"mine Benjy is honest! If he says it wasn't him, it vasn't!\"Later, the school's head Rabbi asked Marvin: \"W hen you asked Benjamin Solomon who blew down the walls of Jericho, he said it wasn't him. True?\"\"And his father vouched for Benjamin’s honesty, so --\"The Rabbi interrupted: \"Alright already. Just arrange to get the walls fixed and ask the builder to send me his invoice.\"\"His kishkes were gripped by the iron hand of outrage and frustration. Among other misfortunes, I was his wife's favorite.\" -- Excerpted from Portnoy's ComplaintNEPOTISM? IT’S FEMBLY!Abe, the rich papa was introducing David, his son into the business.“But big shot, don’t think you’re coming in here and taking over!” Abe admonished. “You’ll start as a partner, just like the rest of us did!”NEPOTISM OUTSMARTEDOn his wedding day, David’s father-in-law made him an offer.“David, I don’t want my daughter to want. I’m bringing you into the business as a full partner. Now, what department? How about finance?”“Finance?” said David. “I can’t add.”

“Marketing?”“The only market I know is Kroger.” “Well, how about sales?”“I have a better idea. How about you buy me out?”“My father heard one woman yell at a butcher that she was mad at, ‘May you have an injury that is not covered by workman's compensation.’ That was his favorite curse.” -- Calvin TrillinTHE WARNINGSamuels, 79, was on the operating table awaiting surgery, to be performed, at this insistence by his own son, a renowned specialist.“Before they put me out, sonny, I want to say one thing.” “Yes, Papa, what is it?”“I just want you to know, you shouldn’t be nervous. Do your best. And just remember, if things don’t go well, should a knife, God forbid, slip, your mother’s coming to live with you and your wife.\"GARDEN OF EDEN: THE REAL PUNISHMENT (OY)After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. He told them: “Don't eat the forbidden fruit.”“We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we got forbidden fruit!” “No way!”“Don't eat that fruit!” said God. “Why?”“Because I am your Father and I said so!\" said God. A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break.“Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit!?” “Uh huh,” Adam replied.“Then why did you?”“I dunno,” Eve answered. “She started it!” Adam said. “DID NOT!!”