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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Gefilte-Tank.htmlGefilte TankDec 13, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWe e Jw snee o r oduwn Sh“a r kT a n k .”M eet “G e flt eT a n k .”Who hasn’t seen ABC’s “Shark Tank” where a panel of self-made billionaires hear pitches from geniuses to meshuggenehs for gelt to invest in their dream? They demonstrate their inventions, most of which are patent pending, which range from things like domestic nuclear launchers to going green by converting concrete to grass. The desperate pitcher asks for a specific amount to partner with a shark who gets a percentage.Gefilte Tank is a place for Jewish entrepreneurs to solve Jewishy problems.I’m addicted to the show. I’m not alone. It’s a huge hit. And why not? Who hasn’t had that million-dollar idea for say a 100 wires going nowhere in the basement that, when we find out how to put themtogether, will replace the energy source for theentire city of Baltimore.Of course Jews and Gentiles share similar needs sometimes. But face it. We Jews have –always been different. For example: One budding entrepreneur wanted gelt for a “mixed martial arts clothing line.” Oy. Jackie Chan, we aren’t.Then there was the “Rugged Maniac,” a race event over obstacles. What? Racing around Russia and Poland to avoid Czars, maniacs, and Nazis aren’t enough obstacles?My personal favorite was “Rent A Goat.\" No more nasty lawnmowers. Just rent a goat and he’ll eat the shmutz on your lawn … and maybe take a taste of your aluminum siding. First, we Jews spent hundreds of years studying in shtetls in Bialystock to get away from goat

droppings. Second, my UPS guy couldn’t find a “goat” box to send Billy back.So it’s obvious We Jews need a Tank of our own. The Gefilte Tank! Here’s our list of Billionaire Gefilte Investors:1. Suze Essenfeld: infomercial queen who made her first million with the ever popular steam Essenator. She now holds 1000 patents from the Miracle BagelSlicer to her newest, the Jewish Dating Site: “O U.”-2. Alan T. Piker: The Highway Macher, made his fortune creating signs for turnpikes such as “55 mph,” “MERGE ,” “Fargessen Ex ONLY” it which led to an exclusive with I-Hop, Hojo’s and Huddle House.3. Charles Shmutzger: started out removing shmutz from imploded buildings in Las Vegas which he then sold to Donald Trump’s architect at a bargain, saving The Donald from yet a fifth bankruptcy.4. Ruth Shpelnik: created the first faux labels for high-end shmattes, such as Ralf Loring, Pier Cardon, Zak Pishkin, Gedalia Sasson, and Yitzak Mishuggre.5. Milton Zuckerfleigel: the man behind the Frum FLEIGFOWL turned it into what is now the third largest maker, seller and distributer of positively kosher chicken wings.GEFILTE TANK FOR JEWISH ENTREPRENEURS TO SOLVE JEWISHY PROBLEMSTHE VECHICLE OR V-SPOTTER. Shmeul and Ruchel Levi are asking $750,000 for a 5% investmentPitch: “Picture it, Gefiltes. Little old Jewish people in Miami who not only can’t see over the dashboard, but have to find their 1997 Seville out of 400 at 4 am in the dark garage to make the first Early Bird. (The one that gives an extra blueberry pancake with a coupon.) Certainly a Gentile here and there has had the problem. Think: The Seinfeld episode where they spent 5 hours shlepping around a 15 tier multi-level garage to find Kramer’s beater. Elaine’s fish died from asphyxiation. Asphyxiation! All because they didn’t know if the car was on Orange 3B! A shanda! Well, no more! Meet THE VECHICLE OR V-SPOTTER! Our custom vertical hood ornament you can design online. Press a KliegKey, patent pending and lit tubes in the shape of, say, a Menorah, will rise from the hood, and Boom! You jauntily walk toward your vehicle, while the other condo members are yelling at their wives for “losing a whole car!” So Gefiltes, who will join with me in making THE V--for Victory?!”Alan T. Piker thinks it’s genius and went in for 47 per cent.THE GOYDAR GEVALTOSHPERE. Lenny Luftmensh is asking 2million for a 7% investment

Pitch: “Gefiltes, shalom. Say you’re walking in the park and you see a passing jogger with a hankie look at you with a sneer and say “Ah Jew!” Is the jogger a Jew-hater or sneezing? Your daughter, Ariel’s new “friend” is over to watch a Netflix film. She looks at Ariel’s fave list, glares and says: “Chewie!” Is she talking about Ariel or the legendary Wookiee from ‘Star Wars?’ We Jews know we live in a GoyGevalt world. What’s a Jew to do? Simple. My patent pending idea is a high tech “holographic” brooch equipped with a Goydar device that detects the auras of anti-Semites. Much like a lie detector, when a Jew-hater comes within 50 feet, the brooch with its unique patent pending sensors, measures their body responses to you, a –Jew. So a person smiles. Hoo Ha! The three-dimensional widgets on the brooch will tell you, 1-2-3, whether he’s a mensch or The Wiesenthal Center is still tracking his grandfather in Buenos Aries. So Gefiltes, who wants to join with me and change “Gevalt” to “Ai Ai Ai?”Not one Gefilte bought in, but two called him a Politically Incorrect Paranoiac.THE JPS GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM. ( JEWISH POSITIONING SYSTEM) TheFamishky family is asking 5 million for a 3% investmentPitch: “Hello Gefiltes!! Tell me Mr. Turnpike King, how many Jews do you know are fertummelt when they’re driving on your highways, even with your wonderful signs!? What? For 3,500 years we Jews had time to consult a map? We ran this way, that way and stopped on the way to ask another family, “Where’s the road to Pinsk?!” What did they say?! “Go through the forest, there’s a tree house – then run until you’re out of chickens!” Now those are directions!! Not this Goyish GPS, with the British lady robot who says: “You have missed your turn … recalculate …. Make a dramatic U-turn at the roundabout that says Closed Off for Temporary Repairs and follow 1.4 miles. If you see a large body of water with the sign ‘Shark Crossing’ you have gone too far.” From her alone, if you looked in the Bermuda Triangle, you’d find 2,000 Jewish men who missed Miami!! No more!!! Our JPS, using tried and true Jewish methods, gives directions a normal Jew can actually follow.Listen as I turn it on: The address 3737 Pitzel Avenue, Bronx from 2892 Plotkin Street, Queens, N.Y.The voice you’ll hear is my tante Goldie’s: ‘OK darlings. First, you should get in the car. Don’t forget to lock the doors. Then, pull out and go straight past the pui Burger Barn. Go two, maybe three miles. Next take a left or right if the Sun is behind you. Continue 10-12 miles till you see that statue, the one of a President, go a few blocks, and ask the fish man at Bagel Haven. The original one, not the one that cheats you on the lox. Boom. You’ll be there in two minutes.’ So Gefiltes, who wants to travel with us down the turnpike of success?!Charles Shmutzger and Ruth Shpelnick went in together for 33 1/3 percent. As it turns out, rd Shmutzger wants to recycle the left over pieces of abandoned cars, while Kitenhaber wants to get out of Brooklyn.

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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Gefilte-Tank-Part-Two.htmlGefilte Tank: Part TwoJan 10, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleySuze Essenfeld bought into the Krankheiter – a thermometer that tells you when you are not sick.In part one, we looked at the Gefilte Tank, our Jewish version of the hit show “Shark Tank” where a panel of self-made machers can invest and turn a Jewish genius or meshuggenah with an idea or an invention into an entrepreneur rolling in gelt. Face it. Our personalities are fueled by thousands of years of DNA. So, while gentiles are inventing things that could give us tzuris, like space age rock climbing boots for scaling Rushmore, or bacon lobster bits in easy to open cans, do we need this? Pui!A panel of self-made machers invests in Jewish geniuses and creates entrepreneurial gelt.We have our very own WOW-factor creations Jews to make life easier, happier (but not too happy), while raking in millions of shekels, as the Gefiltes will do what we Jews have always done: invest anduse their connections!MEET THE GEFILTES … again.1. Suze Essenfeld: Not only is she the infomercial queen who just launched her newest hit, the Jewish Dating Site: “O U,” but her best friend is -Ron Popeil, the Jewish Canned Hair King, whose expression: “Wait … there’s more …” just hit the 101 billion mark on www.infocliches.com beating McDonalds “Over 100 billion Served.”2. Alan T. Piker: The Highway Macher, who made his fortune creating signs for turnpikes brings his close connections to Sol Mitwin, inventor of the modern “Arrow” and “STOP” signals used in 49 States. (New Jersey is still a hold-out.)

3. Charles Shmutzger: the man who turned streets of shmutz into gelt, is tight with Natan Natonski, whose family claimed they technically owned 1/3 of the sand in the Negev. The rd Israeli government’s ruling was “Feh!” but gave him a contract to pave half the streets in Haifa to keep the peace.4. Ruth Shpelnik: creator of the first faux labels for high-end shmattes brings her bffs; machers in the design world who were so narcissistic they were flattered by her knock-offs or have a twisted sense of humor.5. Milton Zuckerfleigel: (a.k.a. The Fowl Man) the genius behind the huge Frum FLEIGFOWL offers his connections to CEOs of Kosher Vending Machines and wig makers in China.GEFILTE TANK FOR JEWISH ENTREPRENEURS TO SOLVE JEWISHY PROBLEMSTHE MATZOLATOR. “Mighty” Pincus Perfektowtiz is asking 10 million for a 2 ½ % investment. He has brought along his cousin, the famous Jewish chef, Challa Cholentski to convince the Gefiltes.Pitch: “Hi, Gefiltes. Ready for a little strait-talk about our bread of affliction: Matzo? No Pesach is complete without it. Yet for all its wonderful history, never mind the leftovers for matzo brei, when you break it, it makes shmutz that even a Super Swiffer and the Queen of Balabustas can’t swoop up. To explain better, I’ve brought you a surprise person. So put your hands together for the world famous chef Challa Cholentski who not only started the IMPS (The International Matzo Preservation Society), but beat Bobbly Flay in the Kugel Challenge!”SHE ENTERS THE GEFILTE TANK TO WILD APPLAUSEChalla: “Hi Gefiltes. By the way, Ruthie, I hoped you liked the brisket I made that you told the Netanyahus, never mind Adam Sandler and Mayim Bialik, you made yourself? Anyway … as a professional chef who works closely with matzo, who has time to Swiff? No one, that’s who.Until my nephew ‘Pinky’ who always showed genius solved the problem, 1, 2, 3! Pinky, mamala, explain!”Pinky: “Thanks Tante! The problem as we all know are the perforations. Not one person has ever broken a piece straight until now! My Matzolator, with its –patent pending process is our single aluminum needled Matzo Perforator Trigger Stick (MPTS) and Cushion Clasp. Simply put one matzo at a time on the cushion, and needle your way to a perfectly perforated crumbless matzo. If you want our patent pending Platinum model, you get two needles and a cushion hand grip with a trigger finger glove. Not only will your matzo be the talk of Brooklyn

and Miami, it’s a perfect holiday project for the whole family. Of course the Matzolator should not be used by children under three without adult supervision, those who have consumed more than two cups of KosherKoffee, or others who suffer from JIC (Jewish Incoordination).So, who wants to join me on my mission to Perfect Perforations?”While Charles Shmutzger was intrigued, he couldn’t think of ways to recycle the leftovers and make his gelt back before the Messiah comes.THE ANTISEPTIC POOH POOH SALIVA SYSTEM (APPSS). Sheldon Shriptzer is asking$500,000 for a 3% investment.Pitch: “My dear friends and colleagues, who among us hasn’t pooh-poohed – whether it’s to ward off demons and, please God, protect the good mazel that comes our way … granted, on a rare occasion? Oy, but the potential for an allergic response from our loved ones is staggering. In our valiant effort to protect, we may infect! Do you know what’s in spittle?Bacteria! Viruses! And other meshugoss. Suppose for example, Uncle Shmooie just ate lox mit onions? Not a good pooh. The shtink alone, can make you khalosh! So, how can we pooh in total confidence? With my patent pending Antiseptic Pooh Saliva System, which I call the APPSS! You feel the need to pooh? Now you can spit into our bacteria-free, sensor tube a –double-barreled charcoal filtering device that makes your saliva germ-free and antiseptic. A dybbuk might be around? Feel a pooh coming on? Just take out your hendy-dendy patent- pending APPSS, and pooh away, knowing your loved ones are safe from environmental and your personal shmutz. Better, the Technion in Israel has just confirmed that our charcoal is to dybukks as Kryptonite is to Superman!So, who will join me in making the world Pooh-safe for our fellow MOTS?Milton Zuckerfleigel: (a.k.a. The Fowl Man), who suffers from msyophobia since his Tante Bella shripzted him after a blow-out at the Carnegie Deli and he developed a rare case of pastrami pox, took a flyer on Sheldon … for 52%.THE KRANKHEITER. Boris Blechedich wants 1.7 million for a 1% investment.Pitch: “Oy Gefiltes. Admit it. We Jews don’t feel so good on a regular basis, right? Show me one Jew who says: “Great” when a person asks “So nu, how are you?” The average MOT will say “Don’t ask” or “Feh!” Face it, we’re either plagued with pain, worrying when the pain will start, or waiting bravely for a bad sign that it’s starting. I ask you, is this a way to live? OK, yes. According to research done by Dr. Moishe Meshugawitz who trained in the renowned Richard Lewis Clinic in Last Chance, California, we suffer from the WeGaveAlready phobia. His theory? We Jews create illness and doom, so the dybbuks will go looking for a peppy gentile. No more! Thanks to my trust fund, I created the patent pending Krankheiter; the only digital thermometer with voice recognition that tells you when you’re not sick. Imagine a device able

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.to check the important signs of health, such as your gas level, palpitations, excessive allergic reactions, lumbago, and yes, even over-worry! Just stick the blue end in your ear daily and you will hear a warming voice saying: “Darling, you’re not dying, at least today. Enjoy!” Should you doubt, our patent pending VRS (Voice Recognition System) will argue the case in any one of four languages: English, Hebrew, Yiddish, and Ladino as follows: “I don’t care what your plumber says! You’re fine! But you’re such a krank even I don’t want to be in your ear!”Suze Essenfeld a chronic krank, bought in at 5% saying it will sell like hotcakes on the Jewish Shopping Network, especially when Boris mentioned she looked “a bissel schvitzik.”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Gentile-Guilt-Vs-Jewish-Guilt-II.htmlGentile Guilt Vs. Jewish Guilt IIJun 6, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauley and Robyn MorinJews feel guilty if we don’t complain; Gentiles feel guilty for making a fuss.As a counselor as well as humorist, I can tell you that “guilt” is not only part of the human condition but can also be highly under-rated. Imagine a world without guilt. The master liars, thieves, greedy people and no-goodniks would run things! Oy …. wait. Anyway, moving on: Without guilt, would our Barbra have had a hit with “People”?Agreed, we Jews don’t have a monopoly on guilt (as we discussed in our first installmenthere), although given our different histories we may not express it the same way or over the same things. As a Jewish reporter, it’s my job to report. To insure accuracy I worked with a brilliant mentoree, Robyn, who while she knows the meaning of yutz, is a major Gentile from Ohio. So fasten those seatbelts (and make sure they’re not too tight or you could cause a hernia and I’ll never forgive myself).Disclaimer: For any of you who would use the odious word “stereotype,” I promise I’m an equal opportunity “stereotyper.”THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT:Jews are on it. If our new toaster spits out stuff, the two-ply toilet tissue is missing a ply, or say, there are only five gefiltes in the jar instead of six, we’re on the job. This is not only to avoid guilt by restoring fairness to the world, but to avoid being guilted by our mate who might say: “This you bought and didn’t test in the store?!”

Personally, I have put more managers in “Customer Service Seminars” than Alan Dershowitz. Do I feel guilty? No. I’ve done my American duty, even if it takes flying to HQs to get, say, my coupon that arrived late.Gentiles don’t want to make a fuss. God forbid they should annoy another person; they not only feel guilty, but ashamed of themselves. For example, a Gentile finds her new spatula is broken. You’ll hear: “Look, it happens. Nothing’s perfect. How big a deal would it be to fix it?Jimmy, I’ll get the duct tape and bring me the gorilla glue.” Should they try to bring it back to the store in pieces –– many actually take a “No. It was fine when it was here!” and leave feeling remorseful, wondering if maybe the frosting they spread was too dry.D.I.Y.-ING:Few Jews know this concept. Should a lamp go out, a hinge rot, an “on” switch poop out, a drop of rain falls on us (God forbid) while we’re in bed, members of the same MOT's who won 25% of the Nobel Prizes will stare in mute horror. “Morris, the oven light is out! Do something!” Now, should Morris try to fool with plugs and wires, not only will he feel guilty (he’s an accountant, not an electrician), he’ll cause great grief when he blows up the microwave. A savvy Jew will call his Gentile neighbor.Do-It-Yourselfers: Gentiles like to fix; Jews not so much.Gentiles are fixers. All those people looking through peepholes on construction sites? Gentiles. Tools and fixing to many Gentiles means independence and financial responsibility. “Johnnydear, there’s a little fire in the den, and while you’re at it, the ceiling is curving.” Should a male Gentile not be a Bob Vila, he feels he must do penance. Especially if calling a plumber, electrician or carpenter costs 50 dollars a visit.Moreover, if he doesn’t know, he’ll research – for days, weeks, months. Not only will he call every Gentile he knows, but he’ll do a search that rivals the FBI’s Behavior Analysis Unit to find the evil culprit. The guilt of “not knowing when you own it” may even drive some to build massive machinery to unstop the toilet.And while we’re on the subject …TECH SUPPORT: COMPUTERS, CABLES, & COMMUNICATION SERVICESJews: Of course many Jews have trendy digital thingies, cables, wires, and communication/computer services. Ah, but should something go wrong? Personally, my entire strategy to correct a device-gone-wonky is called “Shrieking.” Jews like me hope we can guilt the thing into apologizing and working.

If it doesn’t cooperate, I will drip with guilt over not having “tech support’s” number, which I can’t get because it’s in my computer which won’t turn on. I call my son who is thrilled to hear about yet another mechanical disaster, and tells me to call “tech support.” (He will, however, supply a number.) After pressing no less than 199 keys, with an automated voice asking me questions - which, if I knew the answer I wouldn’t be calling - I wait an hour for the right “tech support” guy. Hysterical I say: “MY COMPUTER WON’T TURN ON.” His first question? “Madam, calm down. First… is it plugged in?” We move on.Gentiles: Many Gentiles I know would rather fitz (futz to fix) with wires and even take apart AOL, never mind their computer. If it explodes, a Gentile would rather try to put together the 5,000 pieces than, God forbid call “tech support” and admit defeat. Why pay the extra 10 dollars a month when a real man should know how to make things fit even if takes three –hours re-tooling a stripped wire that came from an old Zenith radio.ADULTHOOD: OURS AND “THEIRS”Jews feel our job as parents aren’t completed until after death. While a child may leave for college, we feel guilty if we refuse to let our child, a Harvard graduate who majored in finance, move back in at age 40 “to find himself.” This, of course, also includes his wife. Failure to do so will lead to serious lamentation on the part of parents, even if we have to turn in our IRAs to build a new small wing. Naturally, this congenital guilt will insure we have a place to stay in our old age in that wing.–Gentiles believe throwing their progeny out of the nest by age 18 leads to independence. If a child needs tuition, hey… get a loan. It builds character. If they get a call that s/he is on a deserted highway and needs bus fare? “If you look, you’ll find an odd job.”Should a child still be living in the house by 21, the Gentile parent feels remorse over bad- parenting, but more, as this guilt is also congenital, they must save enough for a monthly RV rental or maybe face a long-–term facility named “Shady Oaks.”ILLNESSJews often don’t feel so well, so we MOT's know not to ask, “Morty, how are you?” We’ll not only get an answer, but x-ray viewings may be involved. Given our centuries of strife, the question: “Listen, what’s the worst thing that can happen?” does not involve winning the lottery. So we Jews are “PAP” (Pro-active Preventive). Should little David sneeze, it could be nasal polyps which, if not checked, could become something requiring major surgery and life- long ultrasounds. True, we know it’s probably a sneeze – but if not? Oy the guilt, which is why we have the doctor on speed dial and send him image updates of David’s nose.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Gentiles don’t get sick. Actually, they do, but to admit it to a relative, a neighbor, or the mail person is a sign of weakness, which is a massive source of self-reproach. Don’t believe me?Watch old medical shows like “House.” Ninety percent are finally shlepped in by ambulance when the police see two people in a coma lying on the street glowing silver. True story in Nevada: A couple were brought into the ER because they thought “silver” was healthy – so they collected and ate nuggets. What? They didn’t notice a developing after-glow for three months? Blue urine? Or that they were talking backwards? Their nearest neighbor said, they all agreed it was from the time a tractor fell on them, and they took stuff from their herbal patch to stop the bleeding.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Gentile-Guilt-Vs-Jewish-Guilt.htmlGentile Guilt Vs. Jewish GuiltMay 30, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauley and Robyn MorinBel ie e v t ior ont, J ew sd o n ’t h v aeam no opolyo n g u ilt.We Jews are known for being guilt-mavens. If we didn’t actually write the book, most of us could create an app, a video, and go on a lecture tour. However, does it follow that not being Jewish means you get a guilt pass? When it comes to guilt, both Jews and Gentiles get it, feel it, and give it, ah, but in our own special way and often over very different things.Since I’ve never been not Jewish, to insure I’d be an equal opportunity “stereotyper,” I wrote this with the assistance of a brilliant young menteree, Robin from Cleveland, who is Russian Orthodox which does mean we share guilt over hating Borscht.1) STRESS:When Jews have stress, we announce: “OY DO I HAVE STRESS.” More, we may feel guilty not sharing the news with family, friends, or people in the elevator. After all, they could think our moaning is about them, so not to give them guilt, it’s better to say: “Hi you two. I’m in 4B. You may be wondering why I’m moaning. I slipped on a peach and the ER bandaged it. Here.Look. By all means return to your conversation. I just didn’t want you to worry maybe you did something wrong.”Gentiles consider stress “all in your mind” – a weakness that when expressed is intrusion and can therefore lead to guilt. For example, say your husband’s been arrested for embezzlement. Chances are his wife will say: “Everything’s just fine. By the way, have I shown you my Danbury Mint duck plate?” Some Gentiles have been known to suffer from extreme migraines, ulcerative colitis, and a fondness for multiple martinis. Some think there’s a relationship.

2-EXTRA HELPINGS:Jews measure the success of a meal if plotzing people have to be helped to their cars. Food is love. Massive food is a love-in. “Irving, only three helpings? I knew the brisket was dry!” To avoid offending, the guilty guest stuffs himself enough meat to cater a Bar Mitzvah. More, should the invitee have brought, say, cookies, the proper Jewish hostess will say: “Dessert?Thanks darling, but we didn’t need. So you take it home.” If the guest shyly refuses, the X- treme hostess will plant the cookies on his person.Gentiles make “portions.” Seven guests, seven slices of veal. God forbid a starving guest should crave two slices, the mere idea of wanting, never mind asking, throws many a Gentile into such a state of guiltoses, they’ll enter the hostess in a Fruit of the Month club. The same applies to taking home leftovers, including stuff you brought. Should hunger throw you into confusion and you ask for your used six-pack back you may hear: “Oh … um … well … um … Tim already put it in the extra fridge in the basement, but … we can look for it … if you’d like,” all of which will add to your “I’m a terrible person” feeling which of course, you can’t share with anyone because you’re Gentile.3-JURY DUTY:Jews love the idea of jury duty. We adore the American ideal of service to our country, never mind putting away people who might climb in our window in August wearing ski masks. But do We Jews have time to actually serve on one, sitting in a farshtinkener room for hours with lawyers talking at us, and debating the death penalty? Or worse, maybe get stuck in a hotel for five nights with a stranger who hasn’t yet learned the subtleties of personal hygiene?Every Jew I know dials a number, talks to an Irving, and Boom! Irving agrees they shouldn’t feel guilty as they’ve got “undue hardship.” Which of course is true, especially if the painters are coming.Gentiles also love the idea of jury duty. Of course the mashed potatoes, peas, and meatloaf in compartmentalized containers, the free stay at Motel 99 and getting paid not to work isn’t a bad deal either. Chances are, even if they had “Irving’s” number, the guilt would fill them with such shame, they’d re-schedule their bypass operation so God forbid, they shouldn’t be thought of as lousy Americans.4)CARS:Jews like cars – who doesn’t, but we feel it’s none of our business what’s under the hood. Besides, if we looked, would we know what we’re looking at anyway? Hey, we paid 47 grand for this metzia so it better work. Should, God forbid, it break down, We Jews will feel guilty if we don’t know a mechanic who will get to us within 10 minutes so the smoke or tire explosion doesn’t panic our passengers.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Gentiles often are their cars. Many feel “If I have a car, I should know how to put together a diesel engine in less than 20 minutes.” Any inability to fix a 20 year-old beater is not only unmanly, but throws the Gentile male into a depression (he can’t discuss) brought about by EI (Engine Ignorance). In desperate circumstances, a Gentile may call his father and talk about sprockets.5)ASKING QUESTIONS OF SO-CALLED PROSJews want second, third, and fourth opinions from professionals. Should, for example, a Jewish doctor say we have a chest sprain, we want to see the X-ray, get a long medical name for what’s wrong, have another doctor examine us, and also ask what else they found. More, We Jews take names of everyone in Ultra Care. If, God forbid, we don’t ask enough questions, he or she may have forgotten something … and the guilt of not being thorough haunts us till death.Gentiles often want to know “the bottom line” without details. If the doctor says: “You have chronic pervasive anodeathonomia … which makes you fall down with mysterious twitches,” many Gentiles will say: “Ok doc, thank you.” And when picking up the meds? “You were prescribed LanaxLosealimb. Now, do you want to talk to the pharmacist about side effects, which include, low blood pressure, seizures and a pervasive body rash which can lead to coma?” Many guilty Gentiles will say, “Nah. If ‘the doctor’ prescribed it, I’m sure it’s safe.”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Gotcha.htmlGotcha!Mar 29, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyPassover cleaning has on our doorstep, so here are some silly jokes to get you laughing…before you get cleaning.We Jews have a great sense of humor and an exhaustive one. We can be outright hilarious, sarcastic, ironic, edgy, surprising. Virtually nothing is off limits! One type of humor is “Funny- Silly-Gotcha!” You see them making the rounds on the Net, but I’ve put my own spin on some of them. As Passover approaches, we’ve got a lot of work ahead of us, so I’ve collected some “Gotcha!” Jewish humor that I hope will put a smile on your face. And yes, you may pelt me with matzo balls for each cliché send sauce.–You may pelt me with matzo balls for each cliché.THE EXAGGERNATORSSolly and Max were describing their fishing expeditions with great relish.\"Once in Florida,\" said Solly, \"I caught a fish so huge, it took three men to shlep it in!”\"That's nothing,\" scoffed Max. \"I once caught a lamp, with a date engraved on it 1492, when Columbus discovered America!”“Big deal,” said Solly rising from his chair. “My fish weighed 150 pounds.” “Yeah? Well, the lamp I caught was still lit!”Nose to nose, they stared each other down ... until finally ...

“Listen Max,” said Solly. “How about ... we make my fish five pounds and you put your light out, and we’ll call it even?!”AND MAYBE EVEN IF I DID? (SNIFF)Sophie demanded Hannah return an old pot which she claimed Hannah never returned to her in over six months.“In the first place, I never took a pot from you!” Hannah said, offended. ”In the second place, it was an old pot! And in the third place, I gave it back to you in better condition than when I took it from you!”THINGS A JEWISH MOHER WOULD NEVER SAY“Not everybody needs higher education. Hamburger U is good enough, darling. After all, your father God Bless him, didn’t graduate High School and invested in diaper pins in the 1960s.”“It’s fine mamala. Go to Las Vegas with your wife. My 65th birthday we can celebrate any year.”“I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.” “Oy, I forgot my tissues. Listen, just use your sleeve.”“Look, try it. Live with him a few years, then, if it works out, you’ll see if you want to marry him.”“Come here. Let me smell your shirt. OK, it’s good for another week.”“About naming the baby after grandpa Irving, may he rest in peace, if you want to name him Luke Picard Lispshitz instead, that's fine with us.”“Personally, I think the decision to pierce a nose should be up to the individual teenager.\"\"If Timmy's Mom says it's okay for a 15-year-old to stay out till 3 a.m. it's good enough for me.\"\"Call every week with your schedule? Once a month is plenty.\" \"School isn't everything. The marines are nice.\"“If your new wife wants you to move to Hungary to be close to her family, it’s fine by us.” \"So it’s 70 degrees. Why not take a jacket in case of global ‘colding’?”\"Just turn the undies inside out. No one will ever know.\"\"My meeting won't be over till nine, so for one night, it wouldn’t kill you to skip dinner.\" \"Mother's day, Shmother's Day. All of you --go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.\"

THE “KLEVER” YIDDISHE KOP ( JEWISH HEADS)One of the many things that makes Jews well, Jews is our unique perspective on just ––about everything. Whether it involves creative reasoning or humor, our viewpoint has a clever Yiddishe spin:A Miami officer pulled over 86-year-old Mrs. Klopman because her signals were confusing.“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning left, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn right --” said the officer.“Sonny, I decided not to turn left,” she explained.“Then why did you signal up and down?” the officer asked. “Mistah Officer,” she sniffed, “I vas erasing!”COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! (A Classic)Marvin came home from work and called to his wife, Sheila. “Sheila, where are you?”“I’m hiding.”“Sheila darling, where are you?” “I’m hiding.”“Love of my life, where are you?” he asked again. “I’m hiding.”“Sheila, I bought you those pearls you vanted. Where are you?” “I’m hiding …………………………………….. in the front closet.”IF THEY CAME FROM JEWISH FAMILIESColumbus: \"We don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!\"Goldilocks: \"I've got a bill for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?!\"Napoleon: \"If that’s not your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.\"Superman: \"Clarkala, your mama and I have discussed it, and yes! You can have a cell phone. Now will you quit with the looking everywhere for phone booths already?\"

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Washington: \"The next time I catch you throwing money in rivers, you can kiss your allowance good bye!\"Einstein: \"Oy that senior picture ... that hair?!”Jonah: \"That’s some nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last 3 days! \"Mona Lisa: \"All that money on braces and that's the smile we get?!\"Batman: \"Ok, so it's a nice car, Brucie. But the insurance alone will break you.”Mary: “OK, so the fakakta lamb followed you to school, but how did he get a better grade than you?\"A Shtikl SticklerMrs. Goldfarb asked the deli man for corned beef. \"How much?\" he asked.She pointed to a huge slab. \"Cut. I'll tell when to stop.\" When the pile had grown high, he asked, \"Enough, lady?\" \"Cut. I'll tell you when.\"Twice more he asked if she had enough. Twice more came the cry, \"Cut!\" Finally over a mountain of corned beef, she called, \"Have you reached the middle yet?\"\"Just about!!\"\"Good! Now, from that middle cut me a quarter pound!\"

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Goyish_vs_Jewish_is_Back.htmlGoyish vs. Jewish is BackDec 18, 2010by Marnie Winston-Macauleye e obst t fhe o G y i sh vsJ ew i s h 20 11M i inD a y- -t oD a y Ca len d a r .Dig... if you live in New York or any other big city you are Jewish. It doesn’t matter if you are Catholic. If you live in New York you are Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. – Lenny BruceA while back, we did a series on Jewish vs. Goyish (and vice versa). The difference? Simply, to most MOTs (Members of the Tribe), there are some things that “feel” Jewish (Jewish or not) while other things just “feel” Goyish, even if they’re Jewish. Why? The Hamish Factor (HF).Since we ran the series, the concept has taken the world by storm! Or, more specifically, by calendar.Since we ran the series, the concept, with expanded entries, has taken the world by storm. Or to be more specific, has become the Goyish vs. Jewish 2011 Mini Day-to-Day Calendar!For your enjoyment, here are my picks for the bestfrom the calendar with some little add-ons! (Oh,And for those who are offended by “stereotypes” and political incorrectness, I stand pelted with matzoh balls).Jewish vs. GoyishQueen Elizabeth I was Queen Elizabeth very JewishII GoyishLibraries are Jewish Librarians are Goyish Tim Gunn is Jewish Heidi Klum? Need weask?The Antique Roadshow Inside This Old House is Jewishis GoyishYour Texas neighbor ran over a dog:

“Quick! Call Uncle Hymie the vet!” is Jewish.“Knots Landing,” and “The Windy Apple” were Jewish“Quick! Get a gun!” is Goyish.Mayberry, and Hooterville? Please. GoyishLo mein is Jewish Chow mein is GoyishMorris the Cat is an MOT“Feeling” a temperature is Jewish GoyishThe Pillsbury Doughboy is Jewish Fortune magazine is JewishGolf is trying to be JewishMartin the Gecko is notFancy thermometers? Betty Crocker is “white bread.”Soldier of Fortune magazine is Goyish Pro golf is mega- GoyishKetchup is Jewish Catsup is GoyishThe Clintons are JewishyBlack and White Cookies are JewishThe Bushes are strictly GoyishRed and green cookies GoyishHell’s Kitchen is Jewish Hell’s Angels are, ofcourse, GoyishRebecca Howe onCheers was JewishyDiane Chambers? Not.Leather is Jewish Patent leather isGoyishSara Lee and Entemann’s are JewishLittle Debbie and SnackWells are GoyishTending lawns is Jewish “Yardwork” is GoyishCollecting mini hotel shampoos is very JewishLetting the family usethem? Goyish!“Company” is Jewish“Guests” are GoyishGoyish vs. Jewish

Jack LaLanne is pure GoyishSugar plums are Goyish“You’re cold. Put on a “coat” is Goyish.Ginseng, Ginko Biloba, Alka Seltzer, PeptoCarrot juice are Goyish Bismol, Prune juice are“Clean” to the naked eye is Goyish“I’ll look under the hood?” A Goyish remark“I told you no,” is GoyishA housekeeper is GoyishDIYers (Do-it-Yourself) HLMers (Hire-Lawyer- are Goyish Remembering to jot down your 2 p.mRichard Simmons is JewishDried prunes are JewishI’m cold. Put on a coat” is Jewish Jewish staples “Clean” to the Mayo Clinic could be Jewish Where is the hood?” Pure Jewish-speak.“I told you so, is JewishA cleaning lady is JewishMove) are Jewish Remembering the names of each Israelitedental appointment on who built the pyramidsApril 20 is Goyish. th “It happens to everybody” is Goyish Goyish Food Groups: Jewish: Kosher, Treif, Grains, Fruits/Veggies, Pareve, ChaloshesMeat, DairyPlanting sunflower seeds is Goyishin bondage is Jewish. “Why me, G d!” is -JewishEating sunflower seeds is JewishAlton Brown is lovely, if Emeril’s our boy Goyish“I don't deserve this award” is Goyish“I don’t deserve bursitis either” is Jewish

Waiting in line to get seated is GoyishWaving in line to get seated is JewishPicking a diet is Goyish Picking fromeveryone’s plate and calling it a diet is JewishTiles are Goyish Linoleum was Jewish Your child got a “C” in math:Goyish: “He tried his best”Jewish: “Call a tutor!”Tennis elbow is Goyish Tennis bracelets areJewishCanoe the boat is GoyishCanoe the cologne is JewishCellulite is Goyish “Dimples” are Jewish“I’m my brother’s keeper” is Goyish Smarter Than a 5th Grader is GoyishMister Rogers was GoyishTaking doggie bags of Taking doggie bags of lobster and steak is Goyish“I’m my brother-in- law’s keeper” is Jewish “My three-year-old is smarter than a 5th grader” is Jewish Mister Wizard was Jewish15 French Fries and half a roll is JewishA hunter is Goyish A furrier is JewishComin’ Through the Rye is Goyish “Delicious” to describe “Delicious” to describe your turkey is GoyishComin’ with the marble rye? Usyour toddler is JewishFusion is Goyish Leftovers is Jewish

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.To curse is Goyish(“Damn!”)To prophesize is Jewish (May the lice in your shirt marry the bedbugs in your mattress and may their offspring set up residence in your underwear.)“Uncle Sam Wants You” “Uncle Sam wants youis GoyishYMCA, the place, is Goyish– in his software business” is Jewish “YMCA,” the song, is Jewish“Ask” is Goyish“Don’t ask!” is Jewish “Of the book” is Jewish “By the book” is GoyishThe “;” and “.” are GoyishThe “?” and “,”are JewishThe Goyish Vs. Jewish 2011 Mini Day-to-day Calendar is on sale now on Amazon or at your favorite book store.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48932462.htmlGoyish Vs. Jewish, Part 2Aug 10, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyBack by popular demand, our list of things that just \"feel\" Jewish, and some that don't.Lenny Bruce started it, David Kamp in his 1999 hysterical GQ article continued it, and we, here at Jewlarious, are \"nailing\" it. (\"Nailing?\" Very Goyish). The last article drew so many comments and suggestions (very Jewish), we're going with a \"Part 2.\" But given our commitment to keeping our columns, fresh, creative, and original, we're going with a bold new twist. Instead of \"Jewish vs. Goyish,\" this time, we're doing.... \"Goyish vs. Jewish!\" Yes!We're leading off with the GF (Goyishe Factor) things that \"feel\" Goyish even if they're –Jewish, rather than the HF (Hamish Factor) things that \"feel\" Jewish even if they're Goyish! –Anyway, you be the judge. Oh ... and we've added a few of your entries under Editors Picks. So mazel tov, put on your thinking kippahs and keep sending, nu?GOYISH VS .JEWISHPaintings of your ancestors is GoyishFinding your ancestors is JewishSweaters worn over shoulders as scarves is GoyishScarves worn over hairdos as rain bonnets is JewishSketches of the children are GoyishSketches by the children are JewishCattle is GoyishCows are JewishThe Practice was GoyishBoston Legal is JewishSkippy your son's name, is Goyish–Skippy your dog's name, is Jewish.–Tupperware is GoyishWaxed paper is JewishGatorade is GoyishIce tea is JewishThe Outer Limits is GoyishThe Twilight Zone is JewishOlive loaf is GoyishLiverwurst is JewishDuck hunting is GoyishBargain hunting is Jewish

Shake 'n Bake is GoyishBreadcrumbs is JewishCrew teams are GoyishChess teams are JewishShirley (Laverne and Shirley) is GoyishLaverne is JewishCollecting ceramic ducks is GoyishCollecting duck sauce packets is Jewish\"The New Yorker\" is Goyish\"New York Magazine\" is JewishRiding lessons are GoyishPiano lessons are JewishChow mein is GoyishLo mein is JewishSchool cheering squads are GoyishSchool newspaper staffs are JewishArea rugs are GoyishWall-to-wall carpeting is JewishEDITORS PICKS: YOU WROTE THEM, WE PICKEDFrom Ronni:Black pepper is Jewish, Wasabi is GoyishGrace F:Blue is Jewish, Spirit is GoyishLorne:George (on Seinfeld) is Jewish, Kramer is GoyishDavid:Marie Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) is Jewish, Evelyn Harper (Two and a Half Men) is GoyishArlee:Black and White Cookies are Jewish, Twinkies are GoyishRoxanne:Star Trek (original Series) is Jewish, Babylon 5 is Goyish.Carole:ShopRite is Jewish, Acme is GoyishOUR PICK FOR THE GOLD:Marlene:Hellman's Mayonnaise is Jewish, Miracle whip is GoyishMarnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.Click here to read Jewish Vs. Goyish, Part One.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48942731.htmlGoyish Vs. Jewish, Part 3Nov 8, 2008by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh efina l in st llam n net io r us ur e ovy t tfh eh in g s th a t ju st \" feel\"J ew i s h , a nd h to e sthat don't.Well, dear readers, here it is! The third and final part of our VERSUS \"trilogy.\" But unlike The Godfather, where parts one and two make you geshrei (scream) in \"joy,\" and part three in \"oy,\" in typical Jewlarious style, we've maintained our impeccable standards.Like Solomon, we've \"divided.\" Half is \"Jewish vs. Goyish,\" half –\"Goyish vs. Jewish!\"Like Solomon, we've \"divided.\" Half is \"Jewish vs. Goyish,\" half -- \"Goyish vs. Jewish!\" we're leading off with the HF (Hamish Factor) things that \"feel\" Jewish even if they're Goyish! Then, switch to the GF(Goyishe Factor) -- things that \"feel\" Goyish even ifthey're Jewish.Again, you, dear readers, have come through with your own brilliant picks, which we've chosen for special mention.To celebrate our final VERSUS, The poster we've picked for the gold will receive a free copy of my 2009, A Little Joy, A Little Oy calendar! Autographed, yet! (And that includes our last winner from Part Two, Marlene. (\"Hellman's Mayonnaise is Jewish, Miracle whip is Goyish\"). Winners, write to me at [email protected] and let me know where you'd like me to send it! Remember, If you don't send, I can't send. So mazel to all contenders.JEWISH VS .GOYISHJudges are JewishJuries are GoyishPacking all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish Using them is GoyishOrdering family style is JewishOrdering a la carte is GoyishCruises are JewishWalking tours are GoyishLaugh-In was JewishHee Haw was Goyish

Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is JewishGrabbing melon from the front is GoyishBunions are JewishFlat feet are GoyishSimon Says is JewishThe Hokey Pokey is Goyish\"Bewitched\" is Jewish\"I Dream of Jeannie\" is GoyishThe Limbo is JewishLine dancing is GoyishPicking from your mate's plate is JewishNot wanting even a \"little taste\" is GoyishGOYISH VS .JEWISHFruitcake is GoyishFruit and cake is JewishReading \"how-to\" books is GoyishWriting \"how-to\" books is JewishESPN is GoyishPBS is JewishTiffany's is GoyishYour Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is JewishPassing bars is GoyishPassing the Bar Exam is JewishDIY (Do it Yourself) is GoyishPAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is JewishMary Kay is GoyishMurray the K is JewishThe Chia pet infomercial is GoyishRonco spray-on hair is JewisMorbidly obese is GoyishBaby fat is JewishNASCAR is Goyish. Period.EDITORS PICKS: YOU WROTE THEM, WE PICKEDTommy:Private school is Goyish; Public school is Jewish West Coast is Goyish; East Coast is JewishAnonymous:Lunch meat is Goyish; Deli is Jewish White bread is Goyish; Rye is JewishAnonymous:Sushi is Jewish; Chopsticks are GoyishQuilt cases are Jewish; Comforters are Goyish Suspenders are Jewish; Overalls are GoyishSteve A.:Waldbaum's was Jewish; A&P was Goyish. (Now A&P is the parent company of Waldbaum's!)

Mark G:Alan Sherman was Jewish; Weird Al Yankovic, not so muchAntonio:Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish; Laughing at your own troubles is JewishTova Wald:\"Youngsters\" are Goyish, \"Kids\" are JewishButtering bread is Goyish; Spreading margarine is JewishSitting quietly to get served is Goyish: Standing and waving one's hands is JewishYaron Salmen:I have just one thing to say about the Heineken can on the pic above. Maybe beer is Goyish, but Freddie Heineken, the founder of the Heineken Brewery here in Amsterdam (a very Jewish city) was a Jewish man...just thought to tell you that...well, pointing this out is Jewish too I think...Dennis R. Green:WWF is Goyish, the NBA is JewishTattoos and piercing are Goyish; Diamonds and pearls are Jewish Ham sandwiches are Goyish; Corned beef on rye is JewishWhite sox are Goyish; No sox are JewishSaving Money is Goyish; Investing money is Jewish Snowmobiling is Goyish; Skiing is JewishDoing Landscaping is Goyish; Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish Beer is Goyish; Wine is JewishI am Jewish; My first wife was GoyishAdela:Frizzy hair is Jewish; Stick straight flat hair is GoyishA party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish: A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!Leibel ben Yitzchak:Making lists of what's Jewish and what's not ... is VERY Jewish!!Jacquie:Picking nuts is Goyish; Nitpicking is JewishOUR PICK FOR THE GOLD -- PRIZE WINNERTova Wald!For the overall quality of all three entries.OUR PICK FOR THE SILVER:Jacquie:Picking nuts is Goyish; Nitpicking is JewishDennis R. Green:White sox are Goyish; No sox are Jewish;

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.Click here to read Jewish Vs. Goyish, Part One. Click here to read Jewish Vs. Goyish, Part Two.

https://www.aish.com/j/as/Hail-the-Mighty-Caesar.htmlHail the Mighty CaesarFeb 15, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleySid Caesar passed away at the age of 91, but the laughter he created lives on.On Wednesday, February 12 , 2014, we lost Sid Caesar at age 91.thSid changed the comedic world with his legendary talent and subversive Jewish chutzpah; a significant part of our Jewish humor.If there weren’t a Sid Caesar, there wouldn’t have been comedy as we know itIf there weren’t a Sid Caesar, there wouldn’t have been comedy as we know it. “SNL,” ‘The Carol Burnett Show,’ sitcoms, sketches, and parodies, might all be lost to us.The 1950s Your Show of Shows starring Sid Caesarhad a dream team of writers who did the subversive, to introduce Jewish humor using Yiddishe double-talk during the Vanilla (pearls and vacuum) era. A sketch from Sid and Carl Reiner:SID: What have you got to eat?CARL: Klochmoloppi. We also have lich lop, slop lom, shtocklock, riskkosh, and flochlish. SID: Yuck!CARL: We have yuck too. Boiled or broiled?A genius with words, he worked with the best: Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, Carl Riener, Woody Allen, and Larry Gelbart. All wanted to impress Caesar, who was not unlike his namesake.

Once he yanked a washbasin out of a wall with his bare hands. The man had a temper and temperament.Carl Reiner based The Dick Van Dyke Show on Caesar’s writers’ room. The Alan Brady character was known to be a comic genius along with his tirades towards writing staff. –Buddy (Morey Amersterdam) and Sally (Rose Marie) were loosely based upon Mel Brooks and Selma Diamond. The 1982 movie “My Favorite Year” also was also based on the Caesar show and its temperamental star.Sid Caesar honed his brilliance in the Borscht Belt, along with KaBoom Jackie Mason, ––Buddy Hackett, Woody Allen, Freddie Roman, Morey Amsterdam, Milton Berle, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Mel Brooks, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Myron Cohen, Norm Crosby, Shecky Greene, Alan King, Robert Klein, and Jack E. Leonard, Don Rickles, and Henny Youngman, among others. They cut their teeth with applause from the drumming of little hammers of Jews in the audience. And it should be noted not one swear word was used.The man born Sid Caesar on September 8, 1922, in Yonkers, New York, will forever be considered an undisputed comic genius for his work in early TV. He had an extraordinary ear for languages and a dream team of writers. How could you lose? You could. But Caesar had the chops to become legend. The shy, intellectual Caesar started as a saxophonist, made the transition to comedy, and hit his stride with the new medium of television.The youngest of three sons of Jewish immigrants, Caesar was a wizard at spouting melting- pot gibberish that parodied German, Russian, French and other languages. In the new medium of television in programs like, Your Show of Shows, which ran from 1950, to 1954, Caesar brought to early television a new kind of comedy. His work in the medium had the effect of changing it. It was Caesar who, way before Seinfeld, loved observational humor and created the well-rounded TV sketch.Before his own show, Sid Caesar made broadcast history by participating in another TV experiment: The Admiral Broadway Review, the first comedy-music variety show that debuted on two networks, NBC and DuPont in 1949. Sit down. The show was short-lived because it was so popular that Admiral couldn’t keep up with the demand for TVs (is this meshugge or what?) Caesar returned to Your Show of Shows (1950) with his Jewish writer heroes: Howard Morris, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Neil Simon, Mel Tolkin, and Larry Gelbart. The show was short-lived, however a new kind of comedy was born: sketch and character humor with subversity. Here are a few of his memorable characters/sketches, written and performed with such talents as Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner, Howard Morris, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, and Neil Simon.SKETCHES AND HISTORY

History as She Ain’t: Monologues, mime, and satires on TV shows and films; e.g., From Here obscurity.The Professor: The visiting authority on everything who knew nothing. The Hickenloopers: Husband_and_wife skit with Imogene Coca.The Great Clock of Baverhoff, Bavaria: mechanical figures went haywire on the hour. The Italian Opera Star: gibberish warbling in Galapacci.Progress Hornsby: supercool jazz musician.a Gallic farce named La Fligl (The Chicken Wing).a Nipponese romance with the gantse mishpokhe (whole family), gehakte leber (chopped liver), and shmatte (rag).Caesar’s verbal acuity was also evident in the double talking foreigner and his monologue as a fly including sound effects. His career was cut short by personal problems. However, his –brilliance has lasted, trained some of our legendary comedy writers and has still made a difference in comedy sketch and character writing. One look at the resumes of his young writers and we see how his team changed the landscape of comedy, and yes, Jewish comedy.For We Jews, Caesar was . He had both the talent and chutzpah to show us off at our best. –usIn the fifties, inclusiveness was important to our parents. We shared the naches and the inclusiveness when a Jew “made it” or “broke through” the vanilla villages. Sid Caesar was a –star a Jewish star. His inclusiveness fascinated and delighted our mothers. Hey, he and his –staff were family. The greatest user (and abuser) of cracked Yiddish in TV was the great Sid Caesar. Jews “got it.” Gentiles just laughed.In Rome my bubbe was looking for a house: Sid Caesar’s. When we explained she meant Julius, annoyed, she said, Julius, Sid … I want to meet SID!In one celebrated routine, years before Seinfeld, Caesar impersonated a gumball machine; in another, a baby; in another, a ludicrously overemotional guest on a parody of “This Is Your Life.”“Real life is the true comedy.”“Real life is the true comedy,” he said in a 2001 interview with The Associated Press. “Then everybody knows what you’re talking about.” Caesarbrought observational comedy to TV before latter-day comics were even born.“Sid Caesar was more than a comedian. He was one of the truly great minds of my time and one of the finest privileges I’ve had in my entire career was that I was able to work for him,” said Woody Allen.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Caesar worked closely with his writing staff as they found inspiration in silent movies, foreign films and the absurdities of ’50s postwar prosperity.“None of us who’ve gone on to do other things could have done them without going through this show.”—Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright, Neil SimonCarl Reiner, who wrote in addition to performing on the show, based his “Dick Van Dyke Show” — with its fictional TV writers and their temperamental star — on his experiences there. Increasing ratings competition from Lawrence Welk’s variety show put “Caesar’s Hour” off the air in 1957 and he later looked back on those years as painful ones. He said he beat a severe, decades-long barbiturate and alcohol habit in 1978, when he was so low he considered suicide. “I had to come to terms with myself. ‘ Do you want to live or die?’” Deciding that he wanted to live, he recalled, was “the first step on a long journey.”... One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you. And it is a gift you can neither purchase nor refuse. ” — Larry Gelbart, writer/producer. (M*A*S*H (TV), Sid Caesar’s Hour, Tootsie, Oh, God!, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.)Sid Caesar was a Jewish pioneer and made and created a new medium with his brilliance and talent. As says the late Larry Gelbart, who believed that laughs have to be in our soul. Caesar had the ability to pantomime, do satire, mimicry, dialect and sketch comedy. This is a gift that made him a pioneer, and has changed the comic world!To We Jews, the name Caesar will always be legend for Sid’s remarkable talent and unwavering chutzpah on our behalf. Thank you Sid for making us laugh.“SID CAESAR’S YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Hair-Apparent.html“Hair” ApparentJul 4, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyI’ve updated my author photo. Curls and all.Yup. I did it. I changed my photo in the “About the Author” section below. Now, that might not seem like a big deal to you, but I’d rather stick bamboo shoots under my fingernails.Why? Because I photograph like an aging Jewish Medusa. Kramer, on Seinfeld could make “fusilli Marnie” from me.However, I started getting email from those who’ve met me, radically offended that I’d have the chutzpah to use a picture that was taken shortly after I was potty trained. Given that I feel the age of the old photo, I was offended. I mean how superficial can one get? Wait … could I be the offender?I’ve spent more time, money, and “weapons” in the Holy Hair War than the war on terrorism.So, not wanting to spend money on a pro, I tried myself. Let’s say “selfies” aren’t my thing. When friends nice ones saw my efforts, they gingerly –suggested I sell an organ to get a professional toshoot me. (Or they would.)Onto the Medusa thing. Yes, I know we all have “bad hair” days. But when you’re a Boomer -born with spirals, chances are high that you’ve had more than a few bad hair days – you’ve probably had a bad hair life. Now to be fair, not all Jewish maidels are born frizzed. In fact my bff, Lynda, has hair that puts Wonder Woman to shame. But, face it. More of us carry the FDNA (Fusilli DNA) than say, a Swede. Trust me. It hasn’t been easy.

When my son was young, he would naively ask: “Mom, can’t you do something about your hair?”“What do you suggest?” I asked, reaching for a meat cleaver. “Can’t you try to make it look like everyone else’s?”“Try?!” I thought.Where has this child been his whole life?In the days when “beauty” meant your hair was in a perfect bubble, with accessories to match, hadn’t he noticed that “Mom” considered two pairs of old sawed-off bell bottoms a wardrobe and ten minutes in the tub with a glass of Snapple, a cruise -- all because my entire personal budget was spent on “trying?”You could open any drawer in my house, never mind the fridge, and find stuff like “Curl Begone,” “Frizz Zapper,” “Yak Placenta,” “Straight Up,” along with odd appliances, including beer can curlers, and enough crazy wigs to supply every Clown College in the U.S. Some of these “inventions” would make Mr. Wonderful on “Shark Tank” scream “You’re dead to me!”It got so bad, my loved ones had an intervention, after which I was to join a support group for “Hair Abuse.”And my son asked, “Can’t you try?!”I’ve spent more time “trying” than I’ve spent finding a husband, building a career, and working for world peace. I’ve spent more time, money, and “weapons” in the Holy Hair War than the war on terrorism.Back then, being “curled” invited local terrorism. Beauty parlors, as they were called before they became “Unisex Salons” in toney spas that also offer eyelashes longer than the Columbian Black Tarantula, banned me. Every single hairdresser sighed, and suggested Lourdes. No matter what they did, after five minutes my determined locks, like wayward macaroni “soldiers,” would break training, revolt, and go “Boing!”I suffered all this … to look like “everybody else.”Finally, the seventies set me free! We kinky kids made treaties with our tresses. I let my corkscrews fly free at last!Suddenly, the same critics who suggested freeze-drying the frizz were saying in wonderment: “Wow! Is that natural ...?”“Would I do this to myself on purpose?!” I replied, in shock. (Old neuroses die hard.)

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.“Do you know how lucky you are?” they said, launching into a blow-by-blow of all the fortunes and hours they spent on perms, hot rollers, “Curly Girl” and a massive collection of gels, mousses, glop, along with 20 curling irons.“Yes!” I thought. Now it’s your turn to spray and shpritz! Your turn to get migraines from wiglets, and scalp burn that rivals Three Mile Island, so you can “look like everybody else!”True, there were still some naysayers who thought I looked like a meshuggah flower child, but I was free at last! And as the years passed, my curls became me. They always were me. And I can’t imagine “straightening” or blow drying for hours. Of course today, my son likes it. “Real” mom has emerged who “looks like [many] other Jewish moms.”More, I’ve freed my cabinets and fridge. I now have cold milk and my medicine chest consists of “youthenizing” vitamins. (Yeah, still with the Yak cream.) My hair? I wash, cream rinse, pick out my curls … period. It’s heaven.Until I recently heard Patti Stanger, “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” comment, and I’m paraphrasing: “Men don’t like women with curly hair.” On behalf of the coiled, I protest, that’s simply not true. Besides, I think it’s important to note that Patti is 54, and despite her long straight black hair, isn’t married.The point, like it or not … I am thrilled to post an accurate photo … age, curls and all. After all, We Jews who love jewlarious.com are like family, and I thought it was only right that you see the true corkscrew maidel who scribbles for you.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Half-Genius-Half-Jerk.htmlHalf Genius, Half JerkApr 2, 2016by Marnie Winston-MacauleyDo you have Unconscious Mental Farblungenheit syndrome?After years of exhaustive research as both a humorist and counselor, I’ve come to a startling conclusion about We Jews. Not one other person, scholar, anthropologist or yes, even comic has mentioned this. Why? It’s a hidden condition even from Freud himself.I labelled it “UMF.” It means Unconscious Mental Farblungenheit. Got it? No? OK. Among many Jews I know, I’ve noticed in simple terms, a split brains. Yes. Many MOTS are part genius, part nudnik/semi-lunatic. Just look. Albert Einstein alone had many brains. Wildly different brains! The man who could figure out E=MC2, didn’t talk until he was almost in school in which he was considered an idiot. Exams he couldn’t pass, he could barely remember his own phone number, had a weird “thing” about socks, and patented an ugly fridge to name a few. Need I go on to other great Jewish talents who suffer from UMF? Need I mention smart, famous Jews who are anti-Israel? And then there’s Bobby Fischer.So, I asked myself, is there a relationship between genius and jerk? I think so. And given that many MOTS are very very smart this is relevant. It could be that the brightest among us and –that includes funny people --see the world differently from others.Considering that We Jews have a lot on our minds, never mind our plate … is it not only natural, but expected, that we can’t stick everything in one simple brain – and not wonder, remember, or care? So here are my own personal UMFs. Do any of these sound familiar?Resonate?MARNIE’S PERSONAL UMF’S

1.Why didn’t the team from Mission Impossible just kill the person?Explanation: I know there would be no story. But as a writer I have to wonder “should there be?” All those disguises, the building, shlepping, and not one government person would say they know them? This is some megillah. Why not, instead of self-destroying tapes, making masks and rigging explosives, doesn’t one of the team sneak in and Boom! Am I right or is this a case of UMF?PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 2.How come, when you reverse driving directions, e.g.: Left on Boulder, Right on Sahara, Left on Shmeggege, Left on Bulvan … it doesn’t work when you do the opposite coming back??Explanation: This to me defies logic. If I get someplace using directions isn’t it only sensible if you do the opposite you’ll get back? I can’t tell you how often I wind up in another State, like Utah.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 3.Who declared that bananas should be a fruit?Explanation: A fruit should be Juicy. Sweet. Tempting. Even a tomato has more juice! A thing should be a “fruit” when it’s mushy with chaloshes strings hanging from it? I don’t think so. (I do, however, like banana flavoring. This is what a banana should be. Flavoring.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 4.Is it so wrong to ask strangers if they think I may be dying? Or, show one’s X-rays to strangers ... at the Dollar Store?Explanation: People, real people know. Besides, I need to go to a doctor who will tell me: “We’re all dying”? Brilliant answer from Mr.MedicalSchoolGraduate. When was the last time you went to a doctor who knew something if his/her answer is: “We’re all dying.”PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 5.I clean with dirty rags.Explanation: If I’m cleaning something dirty, I should make clean rags dirty from what I’m cleaning? This, to me, is idiotic. All I’d be doing is making something clean, dirty, when I can use rag that’s already dirty and not create new dirty.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF:

6.What’s wrong with leaving simple messages, especially if you’re busy? For example: While working in the New York City prison system I left the following message for my late husband on the answering device: “Going to New Jersey to pick up baby from Black Panthers. Put on the oven.”Explanation: This needs more explanation? Plus, I was busy with Federal officers. Plus, I had to find New Jersey. It doesn’t need a book. Today I would have tweeted. And yes, I still leave similar messages, for example to my son: “Darling, am not home. The fire department is taking care of things.”PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 7.So I misplace things like my keys, my bag, my car, my cochlear implant?Explanation: I’m thinking of a new story for AISH. I’m supposed to remember where these things are?? Now true, it’s not easy to misplace a cochlear implant that’s in your brain, partly. But trust me, when you’re this busy, a brain can leak and you wouldn’t know it.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 8.Yesterday I passed a store called BIG Kmart. Has anyone ever seen a little K-mart? got a I little upset.Explanation: The smallest Kmart I ever saw was the size of Rhode Island. We need redundancy? And while I’m on the subject, why doesn’t Walmart sell walls? After all, Toys ‘R Us sells toys. Furniture City sells, what else? Furniture! Yet not one wall in Walmart.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 9.Is it so unusual to spray oneself with toxic Pest bombs many times and wind up in the E.R.?Explanation: Have you ever seen the directions on a Pest Bomb? If you’re over 40 you need a magnifying glass from maybe NASA to read them, never mind see a nozzle! I’m not Annie Oakley. So I shoot the wrong way. Trust me. It isn’t pleasant.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: 10.I’ve bought 1,000 reading glasses from the Discount yet not once can I find a pair of glasses I can see out of. Worse I have 3,000 half- glasses with something missing ... like a stem or a lens.Explanation: Is it so hard to make “mix ‘n match” glasses? The store knows they’ll break in two minutes, but you’d think they’d have the brains to make them so all the glasses have pieces that fit! No. This is too difficult for glasses industry to think of. Which, now that think I of it, could make me a fortune on Shark Tank.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.PICK ONE: She’s right. This resonates: It’s her UMF: (P.S. Let me know how I scored in the comments section below)

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Have_you_Heard_the_One_About.htmlHave you Heard the One About…Jul 21, 2012by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh e funniestJe sw hiJ o kesI ’ve e ha r d– a n dwhy.In over 20 years of writing Jewish humor, I think I’ve heard every single Jewish joke every told, written, and repeated in books, online, from records (those round vinyl things), and from comedians. I’ve even made up a few (hundred) myself.I think I’ve heard every single Jewish joke every told.On such JJ (Jewish Joke) overload, you can imagine how long it takes to a) find a new one for my books and calendars; b) find a new funny one that isn’t the third cousin of a joke I used in 1999.Yet, among the tens of thousands, there are some that still make me slap my good knee (a hard find these days).So for you, dear readers, I bring you these special jokes. The criteria?1.They are quintessentially Jewish2. You can tell them over and over, and I’ll still spit out whatever I’m drinking at the punch line.]3.Many are classics. There’s a reason.Some you’ve probably heard, some may be new. But for each, I also offer a brief opinion about why these are special and “Jewish.” For those who claim there’s “no such thing as a ‘Jewish’ joke” read on. I hope you enjoy! (Will you agree? Of course not) But, a terrific joke is like that girl with the curl. When they’re good they’re very very good, showcasing our unique culture, spirit, wit, special brand of sarcasm and yes, sometimes –narishkeit.How Many Opinions?Four rabbis engaged in theological arguments, and it was always three against one. Finally, the odd rabbi out appealed to a higher authority.“God!” he cried. “I know I’m right! Please, a sign to prove it to them!”

Suddenly, from a clear day, it snowed. “See? A sign!”“No,” said one of the others. “A little snow in winter is unusual?” So again, “Please, God, a bigger sign!”A huge icicle sent a tree tumbling. “Now is that not a sign?!” “A sign of nature!” they insisted, again making it three to one.Just as the rabbi was about to beg an even bigger sign, the sky blackened and a booming voice intoned: “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!” The rabbi, hands on hips, said, “Well?!”The others shrugged, “Big deal. So now it’s three to two.”Not only do we Jews (on occasion) disagree, we’re the only religion that both reveres God … and, in humor, makes Him an equal partner so to speak, and yes, sometimes the “victim” in jokes. Remarkable!Get it! You’re Jewish!Yeshiva University decided to create a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost every race. Each day they practiced for hours but always came in dead last. Finally they sent Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bushes off the Charles River from where he secretly watched the Harvard team practice. After two days, he returned, satisfied.“I’ve figured out how they do it,” said Yankel to his eager teammates, huddling around him. “They have eight fellows rowing and only one fellow screaming!”Okay, it’s a stereotype, but the mixing of white bread (them) vs. challah (us) is funny. The moral? We Jews should stay away from things we don’t know from, like moving big sticks in boats or on slopes.–Indiana Jones They Aren’tIrwin and Murray celebrated selling their raincoat business by going on safari in Africa. One night in the jungle, they were frozen in their tracks by an ominous, low roar.“Murray ...” quaked Irwin. “I heard ...”“Sha! ... Look behind me ... tell me what you see. A lion? A tiger? A leopard?” “I should know?” moaned Murray. “What am I? A furrier?”Not only should Jews stay away from unnecessary moving big sticks, but also dangerous places!

And while we’re on the subject ……The “Compleat” WorrierGoldfarb, a coat manufacturer, couldn’t sleep. He was growing thin and haggard. Finally, his partner, Vogelman, suggested counting sheep.“Okay, tonight I’ll count!”The next morning, Goldfarb looked worse. “Nu? Did you count?” asked Vogelman.“Did I count! All the way to 5,000 sheep. Bupkes. So, I sheared them. Still I was wide awake. So then I made up 5,000 coats — till I finally drifted!”“So what’s the problem?”“I awoke in a cold sweat thinking, ‘Oy! where could I get 5,000 linings?!’”We Jews have been known to worry from time to time. We’re not talking “usual” worry about children, health, business. No. We’re talking deep worry which is why we’re mavens at “what if?”and are constantly oysgemater (exhausted).God, You Forgot Something …A Jewish mother and her 4-year-old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.\"Oh, God,\" lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. \"This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please God! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!\"Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, \" ... she had on a hat ...”Part of the Jewish mind set is “Never Satisfied.” Good enough isn’t always … enough. Hey, if God forgot to send back a hat, can a small reminder hurt?The LessonDavid received a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah. This parrot had one bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tried to teach him manners, but the bird just got ruder and cruder.Desperate, David put him in the freezer to cool off. He heard squawking, then quiet. Frightened, David quickly opened the freezer.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.The parrot calmly walked out and said: \"I'm sorry I offended you, Master David. I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior.” Before David could ask about this astounding change, the parrot continued, \"Sir ... may I ask what the Empire chicken did?\"Believe it or not, many don’t get this one. But We Jews, with our Yiddishkeit and our brilliant imaginations can visualize the humor of the parrot, who upon seeing the “disciplined” frozen chicken, walked out in repentance. Jewish hysterical!By all means if you have a favorite, post and share!

https://www.aish.com/ho/o/Holocaust-FAQs.htmlHolocaust FAQsby Marnie Winston-MacauleyEverything you need to know from the beginning to the end.Q: When and what was the Holocaust?A: The Holocaust refers to Adolf Hitler's systematic plan to perform genocide on non-Aryans and \"undesirables\" in order to purify the Germanic \"race.\" The Holocaust (in Hebrew, \"Shoah,\" a biblical term meaning \"destruction\") spanned a 12-year period starting when Hitler came to power in January 1933, until liberation by the Allies on May 8, 1945 (V.E. Day).Its effect, however, is enduring. The Holocaust showed the depths that humanity can descend, the power of evil to rule the world, and the degree of hatred that exists against Jews.For years it was thought that 11 million humans were murdered, among them 6 million Jews –representing two-thirds of European Jewry. In March 2013, researchers at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum released documentation proving that the atrocities and death toll were actually far larger; in fact between 15-20 million died or were imprisoned by the Nazis.Q: In targeting Jews for destruction, how did the Nazis define \"Jewish\"?A: Anyone with one Jewish grandparent was considered “Jewish.” Those of Jewish descent could be spared only if their grandparents had converted to Christianity before January 18, 1871 (the founding of the German Empire).Q: What happened to Jews in the early days of the Holocaust?A: Hitler progressively eliminated Jews. First up were the 935 Nuremberg Laws which stripped Jews of their German citizenship and most of their civil rights; making marriage between Jews and Germans illegal.Q: What was Kristallnacht?A: This \"Night of Broken Glass\" occurred on November 9, 1938, when Nazis brutalized Jewish communities throughout Germany and Austria. They looted and destroyed Jewish businesses, hospitals, schools, cemeteries, and more than 1,000 synagogues. In the aftermath, 96 Jews were murdered, and 30,000 were arrested.

Q: Why did the Jews not defend themselves?A: In November 1938, Germany made it illegal for Jews to carry firearms or other weapons. Initially people did not grasp that it would keep getting worse and worse. Plus it is nearly impossible to fight when outnumbered 1000-1 by heavily armed and trained troops.The Jews did fight back on many occasions. The Warsaw Ghetto Uprising (see below) was the most famous. At the Treblinka camp in 1943, prisoners attacked Nazi guards with guns and grenades, killing several and interrupting extermination operations for a month. That same year an uprising took place at the Sobibor extermination camp, where Jewish inmates killed German SS officers, forcing the Nazis to close the camp. And in 1944, female inmates at Auschwitz used explosives to partially destroy one of the crematoria. Furthermore, Jewish partisan groups operated in many countries, working to sabotage Nazi war efforts.Q: What were the ghettos?A: Jews were forced into enclosed areas called “ghettos,” where they were deprived of their liberty and the tools of survival. During the Holocaust, there were 1,150 Jewish ghettos. The largest was the Warsaw Ghetto, established in November 1940, populated by 400,000 Jews. Over 100,000 died in the ghetto due to starvation, disease, or killed wantonly by Nazis. In a two-month period in 1942, over 250,000 residents of the Warsaw Ghetto were deported to the Treblinka extermination camp.Q: What was the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising?A: On January 18, 1943, the Germans entered the Warsaw Ghetto. Within a few hours, 600 Jews were shot and another 5,000 rounded up. In a remarkable feat of courage, the Jews met the Nazis with armed resistance, under the leadership of Mordechai Anielewicz. The final battle started on the eve of Passover 1943, when several thousand Nazi troops blew up the ghetto buildings, murdering or sending over 56,000 people to death camps. As their command post was surrounded, Anielewicz and many of his group committed suicide. In a final blow, the Great Synagogue of Warsaw was decimated on May 16, 1943.Q: What were the Nazis' initial killing methods?A: Jews were tortured and shot indiscriminately. The largest mass shooting took place in September 1941, when thousands Jews in Kiev, Ukraine, were forced to the edge of the Babi Yar Ravine, where they were shot and thrown into the chasm. It took the Nazis two days to murder 33,000 Jews.Q: How did the Nazis gain the cooperation of the average European citizens?

A: Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels created a large propaganda machine to dehumanize Jews and justify their annihilation. \"The Eternal Jew\" was a 1940 Nazi pseudo- documentary film that portrayed Jews as genetically inferior cultural parasites.The Final SolutionQ: What is meant by \"The Final Solution\"?A: The euphemistic \"Final Solution\" was Nazi Germany's plan to annihilate all European Jews. The chief architect was Heinrich Himmler, who, with 14 high-ranking Nazis in attendance, designed the plan during the Wannsee Conference on January 20, 1942. Massacres had occurred prior, but the Final Solution led to the deadliest, systematic slaughter: through mobile killing vans, extermination camps, gas chambers, and crematoria.Q: What were mobile killing vans?A: Called Einsatzgruppen (\"task forces\"), these trucks had exhaust pipes feeding directly into the cargo area that would be packed with 90 Jews.Q: What were \"cattle cars?\"A: Hitler's murderous scheme required mass transport to labor and death camps. The term \"cattle cars\" refer to the inhumane vehicles the Nazis used for deportation. Victims were crowded into these \"cars\" without water, food, toilets or ventilation. Many didn't survive. The longest journey was 18 days with no survivors.–Q: What was the first concentration camp?A: The first concentration camp was Dachau. Initially the camp imprisoned political opponents of Hitler: communists, socialists, and political Catholics. Later, it became an extermination camp for Jews.Q: Who \"policed\" the camps?A: The soldiers who worked in the camps were known as Totenkopfverbande, or \"Death's Head\" detachments. They wore skull-and-crossbones insignias on their uniforms.Q: Were there different types of camps?A: There were several types of concentration camps: transit camps, POW camps, detention camps and, in Nazi-occupied Poland, death camps.Auschwitz-Birkenau consisted of a concentration camp, a death camp and a slave labor camp. Comprising 19 square miles, it was the largest and most organized death complex in human history. It opened in June 1940 and by the war’s end five years later, over 1.25 million had been murdered and thousands sterilized by radiation.