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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Shtetl-Olympics.htmlThe Shtetl OlympicsMar 8, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWith the Sochi Olympics now over, let’s go back 100 years and imagine what a Russian “Olympics” in these shtetls would have really looked like.The Sochi Winter Olympics are over. To be honest I’m ashamed to admit I thought Sochi was in Japan. Not only did I miss geography in school, I never once heard a person say, “So, Reuben, the kids and I are camping out in Sochi during Purim.”FREE-STYLE COMPETITIVE SPEED CURSINGAs I’m at times aware, I eventually learned that Sochi is an upscale resort near the Black Sea that Putin wanted to push as the Russian Riviera before he started pushing himself on his Ukrainian neighbors.He allegedly added $51 billion for prepping and gilding the place. At these prices, he could’ve built subways in Moscow that don’t smell like herring heads. Or built his own little Crimea so he didn’t have to invade the existing one.I also learned something else.Stalin “relaxed” from killing and plummeting at Sochi. Even a terrorist needs to refresh his sinisterly with a view of the Caucasus Mountains. In fact, Tablet didn’t cover the Sochi Winter Olympics. The mag has no interest in the “glories” of the Kremlin where people are systematically oppressed and We Jews have been historically targeted for brutality.Let’s go back 100 years or so. When these “caviar communities” were mostly market villages to poor Jews crowded in wooden houses surrounded by enemies. Survival of Yiddishkeit was essential, as was speed. Jews could get klopped or wind up running in a second.

What would a Russian “Olympics” in these shtetls be like –then. We Jews have been known to be creative and competitive. Now, as Purim approaches, let’s look at what might have been the First Olympics Russian Shtetl Olympic.THE RUSSIAN SHTETL OLYMPICS1.* CHICKEN DE-BONING: This challenge involved three tasks. 1- de-boning a chicken plus skinning; 2- finding the most ways and people to serve; 3- making the clucker last longer. (Ice and shmaltz could be involved.) The record was set by the lovely Sadie Pinchiknik. Her liver lasted a month. On the podium, she got the liver, now sculpted in mud by a shtetl artisan while a Kletzmer band solemnly played “Klip Klap … Kwack.”2.FREE-STYLE COMPETITIVE SPEED CURSING OR KNOWN LOCALLY AS “MAY YOU.” Twelve adversaries fought in pairs to see which could give back better than they got when it came to Jewish curses. In every round, one would be eliminated, and two new winners would compete. For example. Not one bad word can be used. There would be three rounds in each contest.For example:Herschel: “May a dismal fate befall you for calling my Flora a mieskeit.”Yitzak: “May you raise goats, and may your first born resemble your herd, so she’s forced to live with you till she’s got gout.”Hershel: “May Cossacks eat the meat from your goats and sentence you to Siberia on a diet of your goat meat, and dark bread, and swamp water.”Yitzak: “And may the Cossacks fatten you up to conscript you to their Army, so you can fight against our people!” (OY!!!!)Herschel: “And may your name be ever stricken from the book of records by our good Rabbi!”Judges will be looking for a number of things: the ability to prophesize, to blot out a person, to turn a mitzvah into an evil eye (umglick), the level of vehemence, the number of times a contestant can use “stabbed,” “exploded,” and “choked” artistically, and finally the creative use of nose to nose and finger-pointing. The winner was allowed to get a little shikkered once a week in a Jewish tavern.–3.*BOXING: If you’re thinking fighting, forget it. No. By “Boxing” the shtetlers will be judged on how many personal Holy Books they can put in boxes within two hours … and have your wife and daughters move it on their heads two miles without a concussion. Face it, we’re always waiting for the Messiah … somewhere, and have to move on a

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.moment’s notice. Our proudest possessions in addition to our families are our books of learning. The family that could shlep the most important books would get a seat by the Eastern Wall in shul, even if papa was a cobbler.4.SYNCHRONIZED RUNNING: Running was a way of life for shtetl-dwellers. Should the Czar or the locals have an ax to grind, it was pointed at We Jews. This meant we better get outta there, fast.So contests must have been held for “Family Running” to make sure, should a blonde beast approach with an edict, they had a chance of getting to another shtetl in –Poland. The winners had the opportunity … to get to a grimier shtetl in Poland.5.TREIF HURDLING: As part of a racing event, five hurdles were are evenly spaced along a straight course of 110 meters. Hit one and plop. You’re out or behind. Contestants were –expected to jump over the treif that varied in size and triefablitity. If a runner flopped, he lost time. Typical treif hurdles included jumping over rabbits and pigs. But there were tricky tests, such as potatoes with a virus or a turkey with sciatica. The judges looked at the learnedness of the jumpers and their ability to actually jump. The winner would –receive the Golden Kashrut Award … given to the tune of “Bay Dem Shtetl.”Now let’s be serious for a moment.Shtetls’ religious customs varied across Eastern Europe, as evidenced by what has come to be known as the \"gefilte fish line\" an imaginary line that extends across Eastern Europe, –dividing those Jews to the west who season their gefilte fish with sugar from those to the east who season the fish with pepper.In Jewish memory, shtetls pulsed with yiddishkeyt. Rabbis , Yiddish, and klezmer characterized these small market towns, but they were also defined by much more than these stereotypical images. Yet to those of us still intrigued, there was and always will be a Fiddle on our Roofs; protecting, defining, and defending our promise, and our faith.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48936107.htmlThe Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry: Part 1Aug 22, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWe e Jw s ta ke o r orruwy in gs so er oiu sly t t i's s ai ifweream itzv h aIt seems to me that almost every Jew I know suffers from terminal anxiety. And why not? With a history filled with tsouris we've probably developed a Yiddishe mutation: a W-strand on our DNA for \"Worry.\" Forget Murphy's Law. Chances are his real name was Murphosky and his family taught him: \"If anything can go wrong, it will.\"Picture it. First day of school. September, 1950-something. Eighty-two degrees. I was polished, brushed, dressed, breakfasted, and school bagged ...MOM: \"The school bus will be here in an hour. Take your scarf and mittens.\" ME: \"But mommy ... it's hot.\"MOM: \"It could snow.\"DAD: \"It's been known to happen in September. In 1948, three feet we had.\" MOM: \"Besides, I'm a little chilly.\"BUBBE:\"DON'T FORGET... vipe off the seat in the bus. Could be, a person mit a cough or woise sat last.\"MOM: \"And here's daddy's work number if mine's busy when the school nurse calls.\" ME: \"The nurse?!\"MOM: \"Mamala, you could fall off the swings in the playground (POO!) - BUBBE:\"... chip a tooth (POO POO!) -MOM: \"Or get your finger caught in a swinging door (POO POOS FLOODING THE KITCHEN FLOOR)Finally, the bus \"honked.\" I dutifully wiped off my seat in the back to avoid ... what? Mad cow disease? ... and took my place next to squirmy Ricky Di Pietro. \"Hey!\" he said, during a backward squirm. \"Some creepy guy in a green station wagon's following us at, like, two miles an hour! Now, he's waving! Look!\" I didn't have to. The hairs on my neck \"recognized\" daddy's \"wave.\"You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium?

You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium?So, dear readers, I bring you The Ten \"Commandments\" of Jewish Worry. However, as I was worried that all 10 at once might lead to WO (Worry Overload), I'll give them to you in smallerdoses. This week five. Next week, the other five (assuming we all make it until then).ONE: THOU SHALT REMAIN IN CONSTANT CONTACT\"Phone Home\" was said by E.T. (but no doubt Steven Spielberg heard it somewhere). Minimum contact for a Jewish parent and child is every single day, twice is better. Once, contact failed. After contacting the usual suspects, my parents called a) my aunt in the Bronx,b) an ex-boyfriend I last saw at his Bar Mitzvah, and c) the morgue at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. The Medical Examiner tracked me down. \"Your parents called looking for you. The message: 'Please show some rachmunas (compassion) on us and call already?!'\" I was 24.A friend, Harry Lechter, told me: \"My mother-in-law wants 'the kids' to check in twice a day. When we're traveling, she has a map with pins so she can track us.\"TWO: LATENESS SHALL BE PUNISHABLE BY TWO SCORE OF SUFFERING (AND HOCKING)To a Jew, \"late\" is five minutes before anyone's due.I still see my mother's face peering from a window at midnight if I wasn't home from a date, as Dad sat in a chair, dressed, for when the police arrived. When I got in at 12:20, Mom gave me \"the basic silent look\" for two days which she felt was equal to her 20 minutes of worry.THREE: THOU SHALT ASSUME A TUMMY ACHE IS A TUMOR (to be on the safe side)For many Jews, including me, it's quite normal to assume that a splinter of the toe could be a(shhh) early warning sign.When my son was born, not only did I check fingers and toes, but his blood type to start –listing potential donors, just in case. When he was two, his pediatrician wrote on his chart: \"MOTHER: LUNATIC\" which might've been due to the fact that I thought a hernia in a toddler might be malignant. Of course, what the doctor didn't understand, was, the minute we become Jewish parents another cultural mutation kicks in W-Ray vision (Worry-Ray) –otherwise known as, \"Wait ... is that spot getting bigger?\"My son's pediatrician wrote on his chart: \"MOTHER: LUNATIC.\"As such, my son has had everything on or near him removed: moles, warts, beauty marks ... and a few people with post-nasal drip.FOUR: THOU SHALT GET NO SATISFACTION

\"Is anything OK?' asked the waiter.\" So goes the old Borscht belt line. Trust me, the worry- kvetch is still alive and \"unwell\" among some Jews. Especially in restaurants. I have heard the following in more forms than the Goldberg Variations, from family to the famous.\"We have to move to a different table. We're 100 yards (to, from, away) the air conditioning! Pneumonia, I'll get.\"Like a Yiddishe \"Goldilocks,\" in any situation Jews have only two possibilities: it's too hot or too cold. Too hard or too soft. Nothing's just right.The most \"capable\" kvetchers can find something wrong with everything, everywhere, every time.*You: \"How about taking a drive on Sunday?\" *Them: \"Sunday! Every meshuganah's on the road! Who drives on a Sunday! Nobody!\"*You: \"Aunt Rose, that dress in Bloomingdale's window's perfect for you.\" *Them: \"For one affair? Retail, yet? And when I need groceries? What, I should snack on silk? \"*You: \"My boss chose me to close that big deal in San Francisco!\" *Them: \"They have the most crooked street in America there and a gazelle you aren't. You could tumble down, like Jack and Jill - splat.\"San Francisco has the most crooked street in America and a gazelle you aren't!FIVE: THOU SHALT FORCE FEED ALL CREATURES- AT LEAST A PIECE OF FRUITThe remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin.Most Jews aren't happy unless they're: a) offering food; b) eating food; c) discussing food: \"Oy, such delicious bobka! I can hardly walk from that brunch!\"Worry over the next meal starts after cake from the preceding meal: (Sigh!) \"So ... did you take out the lamb chops for dinner?\"\"My mother's from the school that the minute you walk in the house you have to eat,\" said \"Curb Your Enthusiasm's\" Susie Essman in a 2003 interview, describing her mother Zora. \"She asks, 'What can I get you?' and if I say, 'Nothing,' the question just continues. One Thanksgiving, there were only six of us, and she had two 20-pound turkeys plus brisket. Not –to mention the eight sides and 15 pies and cakes. And halvah. I went on stage that night to do stand-up and I just read the menu from her dinner.\"When I spoke to Mama Zora, she took umbrage. She never served brisket!

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.So there you have it: The first five commandments of Jewish worry not in the Biblical sense, –of course, but from the \"common sense\" we've picked up while wandering and running.Meanwhile, dear readers, you could use a break ... a week at least. But don't worry! You'll get all ten. We counted.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48936642.htmlThe Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry: Part 2Aug 30, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyPart two in our series about the \"mitzvah\" of worrying.Well, we \"worried\" our way through a whole other week, and, if you're reading this, Thank God, survived. (Although I've got such a pain in my left jaw that…oy. But who's complaining?) As promised, here are the final Five Commandments of Jewish Worry (six through ten). Oh, and just in case anyone out there didn't catch the first half … worry's an option – or clicking on Part One.SIX: THOU SHALT FIND THE FATAL FLAW Many of us have an uncanny ability to find the microscopic hole in the Mona Lisa. Who hasn't heard a Jewish parent say, \"You look gorgeous! Perfect! Wait ...a) ... \"is that shmutz on your elbow? (SPITS, RUBS SPOT) In the crease. Is that supposed to be a crease. Your dry cleaner's a goniff (thief)!\"b) ... \"who covers up a Renoir?! I'll just move those bangs. Oy?! Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist –just in case.\"c) ... \"have you lost a pound? Everyone tells me how stunning you are, a little zaftig! So now you're becoming an anorexic?!\"\"Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist – just in case.\"My personal favorite came to me from comic and writer, Bill Dana who told me, \"I had started earning enough money by writing 'The Steve Allen Show' to get my own New York City pad. I called to tell mymother. 'Ma, wait till you see it! It's in a great neighborhood. You enter and there's a kitchen level and you take three steps down to a living room area, then you step up right to my nice- sized bedroom and bath. Then you step back down from the bedroom to the living room, then two steps down to a den with steps up to a lovely garden behind glass!' Nothing. Then after a minute, she finally said ... 'Don't fall.'\"SEVEN: KEEP WEATHER HOLY

I personally know nine Jewish people who, despite 2,000 satellite stations, keep all of them set to one: The Weather Channel. I believe that many Jews are closet climate-junkies. They sit, like zombies, staring at dew points and wind chill factors in Katmandu. And not only do they –take it personally, but they feel it's their business to warn their nearest and dearest to \"be prepared.\"As a kid, I brought enough \"wearable weatherproof\" to make it to school in event of monsoon or tidal flood and brought \"extra\" if my mother felt coolish, wettish, or warmish.When I had my first apartment, if there was lightning on the Eastern seaboard, I was warned to unplug everything with a cord, and store enough bottled water, canned food, and flashlights to rejuvenate the Dead Sea, feed a small African nation, and light up the entire city of Pittsburgh.When Amy Borkowsky's mother heard that a foot of snow was expected in \"outlying\" areas of New York City, she left a message warning her to wrap a scarf around her face ... because \"that man who climbed Mount Everest lost his entire nose.\"No question. In case of, heaven forbid, nuclear attack, all citizens should run to shelters or –apartments of Jewish children.EIGHT: THROUGHOUT THE LAND THOU SHALT SEE THUGSIf an adult child is \"not in\" on schedule, it's normal for many a Jewish parent to assume: \"she's tied up\" literally. More than eight minutes late, and the alert goes up to \"lying somewhere –dead on the streets.\" Officially considered to have \"gone missing,\" Nancy Grace must be notified.You call:\"My daughter Sheila's gone missing!\"Nancy Grace:\"Tell us, Mrs. Goldfarb, when did you last see Sheila?\" You: \"This morning! I made her pancakes and milk, 2% then she left!–Nancy Grace: \"On her own! Ya' hear that, viewers! A little girl who drinks her milk and suddenly she's gone missin'. I don't think so.\"You:\"Not so little. She's 5'9\" in stocking feet. With her Manolo Blahniks, 5'11. Nancy Grace:\"Wait. Just how old is little Sheila?\"You: \"34.\"When I got my first apartment, my father installed so many locks Houdini would've had to call the fire department to get in.

Amy Borkowsky's mother left messages warning her not to wear her red bathrobe when she took out the garbage because her friend's grandson said that red is a \"gang color.\"\"Don't wear your red bathrobe outside because red is a 'gang color.'\"But my friend Adele's mom takes the prize for paranoia. When she heard on the news there was a demonstration scheduled at a Manhattan embassy, she called her married daughter in New Jersey.\"Mamala, when you go to the store in Paramus,don't go near Manhattan.\" Just in case ...NINE: IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEREFORE IT (COULD, MIGHT, WILL) HAPPEN TO THOUYou've no doubt noticed in the preceding two \"commandments\" that there's one primo \"Jewish Law of Probability:\" If it happened to anyone, anywhere, anytime, better to figure, 99.9% -- you could be next. \" After all, if it happened to Uncle Myron's mishpocha's neighbor's son's barber –it could happen to you!.My late mother heard a report on famine in Africa on the same newscast that mentioned a tsunami brewing near Sri Lanka. At 10 pm, she arrived at my apartment followed by three men from the World Wrestling Federation, schlepping the entire frozen food aisle of \"Costco.\" Just in case. But my late father had her beat. When Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army, were photographed robbing a San Francisco bank, I received the following call: \"Your mother and I noticed Patty had on a Pea coat like yours and we read she's 5'3\"–––also like you. Promise us, darling! Until she's captured ... stay away from banks.TEN: ASSUME THE WORST! NEVER BE CALM WHEN THOU CAN CATASTROPHIZEAs we've seen, many a Jewish parent may tend toward slight negative exaggeration and over- reaction. A bissel \"worry,\" then, is really a big tsimmis!For example:*What if: a toddler isn't running by 12 months? He should be checked for paralysis –just in case.*What if: your son isn't hungry? He might become a feature, \"Boys and Bulimia,\" on Discovery Health.*What if: Your daughter isn't home at midnight? Assume she's in a ditch with broken teeth and a ruined rhinoplasty.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.The \"What if\" factor was coined by my friend Harry Lechter. \"What if ... \" is a concept his wife lives by. Newton's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, is replaced by the \"Nu ... What If Law: For every action there is an unequal, unjust, and unexpected reaction.I leave you with the master, Neil Simon. In his Brighton Beach Memoirs, Mama sends her son out for a quarter pound of butter twice a day. When he ask why not a half pound once a day, her answer? \"Suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?\" Nu??True, just in case, to everybody else may be a little meshugge. But for us Jews, \"just in case\" has been \"the case\" far too often. Indeed, those three little words may be one reason we –Jews are still around -- to worry and to laugh.–Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Ultimate-Yiddishe-Quiz-1.htmlThe Ultimate Yiddishe Quiz #1Sep 27, 2008by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh in k y o u area y idd h i se \"m a v e n . \"T a k e t lth eU im at Yeidd h i se Q zu i!Who among us doesn't love quizzes? Jews especially adore testing our knowledge, knowing our IQs, EQs, (never mind our Ps & Qs), then informing everyone that we (our mate, our kinder) are in the 99th percentile of ... everything (including the ability to put on 20 pounds at one Seder). Personally I'm a \"fact\" addict. I was not only a contestant (I have the mix master to prove it!), but later, wrote game shows, and two quiz books. So ... let's turn our attention to the \"quizzical\" world of Yiddish culture. Nu, give it a try already!1. You're in an internet café reading the latest issue of Jewlarious. The person sitting next to you strikes up a conversation about websites,thereby \"bagelling\" you. Which did he likely do?a) recommends you check out a hot new joke blogb) recommends you check out Jewlarious.com2. \"If grandma had wheels, she'd be a wagon,\" answers your best friend. Which might you have said to evoke this popular Yiddish saying?a) \"My girlfriend's so smart, she'll probably get all A's this semester. \"b) \"My girlfriend's so smart, she should've gotten all A's if only she weren't so lazy!\"–3. You've invited a famous person to your Yom Kippur break fast. You told the celeb to bring along \"mischpokhe.\" Who of the following was able to \"farshtaist\" (understand) best, and came with mischpokhe?\"a) Lauren Becall brought (reportedly) her cousin Shimon Peres..b) Ex-Prez Bill Clinton brought Socks, the cat.4. Which Black U.S. VIP greeted Israel's Yitzhak Shamir in Yiddish, with the words \"Men kent reden Yiddish\" (We can speak Yiddish.)Print with images Large-sized textPrint

a) Colin Powellb) Condoleezza Rice5. \"Oy, look at that cellulite!\" exclaims Chava, who notices with horror, that her WHICH is jiggling like Jell-O?a) Pulkesb) Pupik6. Patricia, your non-Jewish neighbor tells you her daughter is pregnant with twins. You spit maybe twice (Poo! Poo!). Patricia correctly takes your 2-spit gesture to mean:a) Twins are twice the tsouris!b) May there be no evil eye!7. Your 85-year-old zayde from Russia, plays poker once a week. A new man, Morris, joins the group and starts kvetching. Your zayde and Morris start arguing to the point of \"cursing.\" Which is your zayde, who is a gentleman, more likely to say?a) May you eat chopped egg with onion, pickled herring, gefilte fish, pastrami, latkes and –may you have an abscess in your tooth, so you scream in pain with every bite!b) May you have ten gorgeous houses, each house with ten magnificent bedrooms, each bedroom filled with a special bed, and each night you should choose a different bed to sleep in - and may you scream from a massive heart attack and no one can find you!8. The Sheinbaums, world travelers, wanted an exotic Bar Mitzvah for their only son. All had to be Glatt Kosher. Which could they NOT serve at the reception?a) Pigeon meat kabobs appetizerb) Tiger meat kabobs appetizer9. HARD. So many Yiddish words or those with Yiddish origins have entered our lexicon. Who doesn't know the meaning of klutz? Or nosh? Or yutz? Ah, but a word is making the rounds in TV, film, and books lately that sounds like Yiddish, looks like Yiddish, is mistaken for Yiddish but ... uh uh ... it's NOT Yiddish. Which is it? (No Googling allowed.)a) Kochleffelb) Kafuffle

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.10. WARNING! CONTROVERSY AHEAD! The egg cream. This mmm-mmm so good confection, made popular in New York City, was \"the\" Yiddishe drink! This simple delight that consists of seltzer, milk, and Fox's chocolate syrup (no egg!) has become legendary and was served up at every Jewish-style candy or drug store. Ah, but the proper making of an egg cream (never mind its true origins) has caused much debate. So, I asked Stan Zimmerman, owner of the famed Sammy's Roumanian Steak House, on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, to settle it once and for all. OK, true. The debate will still continue, but this question is based upon his expertise. Which is at least one part of his recommended method?a) Put chocolate Fox's U-Bet syrup in first!b) Put the milk in first!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48943171.htmlThe Ultimate Yiddishe Quiz #2Nov 15, 2008by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh in k y o u area y idd h i se \"m a v e n ? \"W ell th e n ta k e t Yh eidd h i se qu i z !Let's turn our attention to the \"quizzical\" world of Yiddishkeit!We recently offered you the opportunity to \"come on down\" (OK, sitting is good, too) and TEST YOUR YIDDISHKEIT withour YIDDISHE QUIZ. Some of you showed \"genius,\" and the rest, of course, were gifted. Ah, but was it a fluke? A serendipitous event? Are you merely a one-trick maven? Let's find out as we once again turn our attention to the \"quizzical\" world of Yiddishkeit!1. YTC, the \"Yiddish Television Company\" has decided to do a Jewish remake of an entertainment show that reflects well upon our heritage: Yiddish Mission: Impossible. But, in keeping with the \"mission\" of the show, a name change is in order. Which is the best, most accurate title?a) Yiddish Mission: Farfalenb) Yiddish Mission: An Umglick2. Today hip-hop has extended far beyond Black members of \"da hood.\" Now, \"da hood\" could be anywhere from Harlem to Jerusalem. In fact, Jews were among the first non-Black hip hop artists taking on names they consider to be socially relevant. Which is the name of a real Yiddishe hip hop group?a) Solomon & Socalledb) Gaiting Tribe3. Yiddish and words derived from Hebrew, is rife with such color, nuance, and emotion, that English-speakers (with lots of help from the master, Leo Rosten) from the wilds of Canada to Mormons in Utah, might be heard uttering \"chutzpah,\" \"oy,\" \"bupkes,\" or \"Alright, already!\" Which word's slang meaning has been used most often professionally, by journalists?a) Megillahb) Tsimmis

4. Neighbor #1 tells the widow Goldberg a widower from Russia moved into the apartment building. \"You might be interested to know, darling, he's a yid (pronounced \"yeed\"). In the lobby, Mrs. Goldberg overhears neighbor #2 telling the building manager, \"Another Yid (rhyming with \"did\") moved into building.\" Which neighbor deserves a sock in the punim (face)?!a) Neighbor #1b) Neighbor #25. For you \"eppes-curians,\" I'll describe, and you choose the Yiddishe dish from my definitions. Simple, nu? Except ... I'm adding a bissel humor, and leaving out the obvious so don't be oblivious when you read.It could contain barley. It sticks to your ribs, and anything else in the area. In fact, the leftovers might make excellent material for huts and dams in 4th world nations. Not only does it create the aura of noxious gasses, it has the power to knock you out faster than Sominex with a lacer of Schnapps.a) Cholentb) Kasha Varnishkes6. Your choice for U.S. President loses the election by five electoral votes. You think that the new President-elect is a shmegegge who has about enough skill for the job as a traffic cone. After he wins, he makes an acceptance speech that not only repeats his meshugge campaign, but is longer than it takes to impeach. You yell which at the TV?a) This man ech mir a President!b) Zeyer sheyn gezogt!7. Keyn 'eyn-hora! (OK, Kenahora!) We Jews not only have our superstitions, but, as always, highly creative defenses against demons, along with dream-helpers. Many have to do with ... what else? Talking, eating, or spitting to keep out the bad mojo (ptui, ptui, ptui!) or encourage the good. Your 38-year-old daughter got married last week. Now you may get to be a bubbe in your lifetime! To speed up the process you suggest which of the following.a) She always keeps something in the ovenb) She tries to eat an egg with a double yoke8. 97 ... 98 ... 99 ... ????? Who among us can forget all those cockamamie fears that the world, as we know it, would glitch itself into chaos at the prospect of y2k? Oy ... the shvitzing over hacker attackers, viruses, and yes ... the end of the world. Some glitches did occur, but all that quaking turned out to be the result of cockamamie catastrophizing.My question is ... could I have written this last paragraphwithout using Yinglish? Well ... partly. Which does NOT have ties to Yiddish?a) \"glitch\"b) \"cockamamie\"

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.9. Ever read those lists of \"who's Jewish\" and who's not? Even assuming they're NOT written by some \"White Nationalist\" (a.k.a. an evil anti-Semite), most of these lists are riddled with errors. ONE list below are celebrities who are OFTEN identified as Jewish and aren't. The OTHER list contains are Jews, –OFTEN identified as not. –Choose the list that is 100% kosher. (All are/were born Jewish.) And no Googling or Yahooing allowed.a) Ted Koppel. Hank Azaria. John Banner. Leslie Howard . Dan Hedaya. Andrew Dice Clay. Tony Randallb) Weird Al Yankovic. Penny Marshall. Sandra Bullock. F. Murray Abraham. Matt Groening. Charlie Chaplin. Orlando Bloom10. FOR THE MAVEN: Bei Mir Bistu Shein or Bei Mir Bist du Schon. (Translation: \"To Me You Are Beautiful\") Are you humming yet? Written by Sholom Secunda with lyrics by Jacob Jacobs in 1932 for a Yiddish operetta, I Would If I Could, in the late thirties, Sammy Cahn wrote an English version of the lyrics (though retained the Yiddish title), the Andrews Sisters recorded it, and the song became a worldwide sensation. In fact, no Yiddish-language song ever charted as high again. Good news for the song-writers, right? Not right. Which of the following is true?a) Secunda, one of our great composers (1894-1974), sold the publishing rights for the soon-to-be monster hit for a mere $30.b) Secunda never received one penny in royalties from the song that made millions and was recorded by everyone from Ella Fitzgerald to Judy Garland.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/THE_ULTIMATE_YIDDISHKEIT_QUIZ_3.htmlThe Ultimate Yiddishkeit Quiz #3Apr 2, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyAre oyu aJ ew i s hm a v e n ?T a k e t he qu iz an findd o u t .There’s “Who Wants to be A Millionaire?” the venerable “Jeopardy” (both a bissel hard) -- and yes, there’s still the syndicated “Deal or No Deal!” The very Jewish “Question” format is having a second heyday, even if the “question” is “Hey, shmegegge, can you count to 26?”Jews are masters of the question, and sometimes even the answer.As we Jews are masters of the question, and sometimes even the answer, I present you with: THE ULTIMATE YIDDISHKEIT QUIZ #3.1.“Jared,” a JYA from New Jersey, met “Jessica,”outside a pub in London. Within five minutes they realized that Jessica’s aunt worked for a year at the Hackensack Library next to Jared’s mother and they each went to Camp Zion in the Adirondacks! What were Jared and Jessica most likely doing?A. BagelingB. Playing Jewish GeographyANSWER: (b) Strictly speaking while “bageling” is fishing for MOT evidence, Jewish Geography is connecting, and not with Kevin Bacon, whose wife, by the way, Kyra Sedgwick (whose mother was Jewish), attended the Friends School and Sarah Lawrence shortly after my cousin. It’s been found through intense topographical study, that the average degree of separation among Jews is three, via camp, schools, or mutual mechutanim from Russia.2. Many Jewish astronauts have brought symbols of their heritage with them into space, but only ONE can claim the honor of VOTING (by absentee ballot) from “up there!” Who was this “famous firster?”-A. David WolfB. Jeffrey Hoffman

ANSWER: (a) In 1997, while at the Mir space station to study life sciences, David Wolf became the first American to cast a vote from outer space! (If it had been 2000, at least it would have made a re-count a snap. (Better Mir than Miami!) Astronaut Jeffrey Hoffman took the Torah aboard the Columbia.3.Mama’s kvelling over Great Jewish Contributions to the World with your pals. Shayna –with-the-photographic-memory -- notices that six, Jonas Salk, Ira Gershwin, Paddy Chayevsky, Felix Frankfurter, Bernard Baruch, and Zero Mostel, have something in common, besides being MOTs and Nobel Laureates. So nu, what was it?A. They were among the handful of Jews who went to at least one Ivy League schoolB. They all went to the City College of New YorkANSWER: (b) Jewish immigrants revered education! Where they toiled in sweatshops, their kinder would one day own them! But in the early 20 century few greenhorns had the gelt, th never mind much of a prayer of getting their geniuses into the “white bread” Ivy League. So what was a Jew to do? Go to CCNY! By 1903, more than 70% of its students were Jewish! This first tuition-free university in the U.S., known as “the Harvard of the proletariat.” became a bastion for scholars, Nobel Prize winners, and future world leaders.4.You’re a top web designer who’s brought your boss millions in new business, so you ask for a raise, and he offers: “OK, I can go to maybe a 2 percent hike!” Which would be a proper Yiddish thought?A. A shaynem dank!B. A gezunt dir in pupik!ANSWER: (b) \"Good health to your belly button,\" is one sarcastic (and appropriate) response to this “thanks for nothing for a bupkes” offer! The first, (a) is a sincere \"thanks.”5. Your non Jewish neighbor is telling you a Jewish joke. Before he gets to the punch line, using your Yiddishe kop, you jump in. The joke:The Scotsman says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have Scotch!” The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have beer!” The Russian says: “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have Vodka!” The Jew says: I’m tired and thirsty, I must have A. Manischewitz!B. Diabetes!

ANSWER: (b) OK, both fit. But we Jews have a unique sense of humor steeped in hilarious irony. As, for many Jews (including the author), it’s quite normal to assume that a splinter in a toe could be an early warning sign, a reference to health is far more “yiddish.”6. In 1952, The New York Times wasn’t telling the world to stop making a “Bubbe Maiseh” in -Korea, and Ozzie wasn’t warning his sons about eating “chazzerai.” Yet, in one media “bit” explorers asked the Ookabala-ponga natives, os “Vmachst du?” (“How’re doing’?”). Where did this come from?A. Mad MagazineB.Sid Caesar’s Your Show of ShowsANSWER: (a) Yes, it was a “Mad, Mad Yiddish!” The iconic mag, with its impressive stable of Jewish writers made hysterical, if not subversive use of Yiddish and Yinglish. In addition to sprinkling their pages “hoo ha!” and “farshtunkener,” the above gem, in a strip by Harvey -Kurtzman and Bill Evans titled “Ganefs” that spoofed “King Kong” (“Ping Pong”) appeared in the premier issue! A hit with junior America, MAD spread the Yiddish words!7.You’re competing on “Iron Jewish Chefs,” a new not gourmet kosher cooking show on FRUM TV. The ganza macher host reveals the secret ingredient! You make a tsimmis! Producers slipped up by choosing which meat?A. CamelB. American bisonANSWER: (a) Camel meat is not kosher. Although they chew their cuds, they do not possess cloven hooves. The American bison, however, both chews its cud and has fully split hooves! (Personally, I’d stick with the brisket!)8.What Jew hasn’t heard the warm wish: “May you live to 120!” Upon what is that number based?A. The age Moses diedB. The age Noah diedANSWER: (a) Noah died 350 years after the Flood, at age 950, the last of the long-lived antediluvian Patriarchs. The max Biblical human lifespan diminishes rapidly thereafter, to the 120 years of Moses! (Pity!) Some Jews jokingly say “May you live until 121\" to insure you won’t die suddenly!9. Your grand-zayde was a census “taker” in 19th century New York City. The boss asked him to estimate the number of Jews in the City by coming up with a fast way to calculate. What did he do?

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.A. Count the number of Jewish Bibles soldB. Count matzo productionANSWER (b): In the 19 century, the Jewish population of New York City was estimated by th looking to the matzo! Our numbers were thought to be 40,000, using an average of five pounds a person. Of course, should some chazzers eat 10 pounds, the system was fershlugina!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Untold-Story-of-Jews-and-the-First-Thanksgiving.htmlThe Untold Story of Jews and the First ThanksgivingNov 21, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyJoachim Gaunse, the brilliant metallurgist, was the first Jew to set foot on English soil in North America.As you, my darling readers know, I’m a research nut, especially when it comes to Jewish culture. So I was thinking, you may not be aware of “The Jewish–Native Connection” to the very first Thanksgiving. The basic facts below are true, for example, there was a Joachim Gaunse, Squanto was kidnaped by a man named Hunt, pigeons were served, and the Wampanoag Confederacy means “Easterners.” And yes, Hellie” and “Fear not” were Puritan -names, which is no doubt one of the reasons you haven’t seen a Puritan since 1730. So, I thought why not blend the research with my fertile (OK, futile?) brain and “reconstruct” the first Thanksgiving my way. Enjoy!I’ve blended my research with me fertile brain and reconstructed the first Thanksgiving my way.We start with the year 1620 which was not so terrific for the 102 pilgrims who, on the Mayflower, got lost and wound up around Plymouth, Massachusetts instead of Virginia. Had they had a Jewish navigatormaybe they would have found it. Then again, maybenot. After all, Columbus had a bunch of Jews aboard and thought Cuba was Asia, which we now know started the bubbe-meise about Jews and directions. But I digress.When they looked outside, the group got nervous about all that wilderness, plus the weather wasn’t too good. So, they stayed on the ship -- for months. What can you grow on a boat except barnacles?

Finally, the one lone Jew on the Mayflower, Yossel Gaunse, son of Joachim Gaunse, the brilliant metallurgist who Sir Walter Raleigh shlepped to The New World thereby becoming the first recorded Jew to set foot on English soil in North America, turned and said: “My Puritanical shipmates. Virginia? Massachusetts? … Big deal! Let’s get off this farshtinkener boat already, nu?”OK, so they settled in the Plymouth wilderness. Two Natives saw them mess up bigtime. As it happens, one, Squanto of the Patuxet tribe knew English. The pilgrims were suspicious, as he learned it because he was kidnapped by a Brit named Hunt some years earlier. It was Yossel- the-Jew who convinced them: “Listen … we already weigh 60 pounds and don’t feel so good. What do we have to lose?” The group’s leader, Governor William Bradford, who didn’t exactly trust Jews either, was in a double quandary. But then he thought about the two: “Stupid, they’re not. Survivors they are.” So he made nice with them.The Indians, in good spirits showed them things like: Not planting corn in mud holes, getting rid of maggots, and making sure their stalks didn’t fall over and become deformed.Oh, the joy! Corn was popping in Plymouth. And did they eat! Corn soup, corn bread, Cornish hens. Finally, Yossel-the-Jew of course suggested: “You know, we should throw a banquet in someone’s honor.” And so the first Thanksgiving was the result of a properly raised Jew. The only argument was whom to honor. They picked the Governor’s wife. (Who else?) Yossel insisted they also honor the Chief’s squaw, Moondancer.His diaries in Hebrew were recently found by the WJB (WouldJewBelieve) Institute in Israel. The entries were astonishing and supported what We Jews already suspected. That there’s a strong connection between Us and Native Americans … all of which started, thanks to Yossel- the-Jew’s suggestion they organize a banquet with an honoree.While the Puritans gorged Yossel-the-Jew and Squanto sat and exchanged Schnapps and fire water along with mutual suggestions and answers to questions that Yossel-the-Jew and –Squanto took back to their people. (OK, some took, some didn’t.) I give you this priceless slice of maybe-could be history today.T HE E JW IS H - IN D IA N E X C H A N GE (EX CERP TE ) DEXCERPT 1. ”Geography”Squanto: So Joe … what’s up with calling us “Indians”? Our big tribe means “Easterners.” We name for where we live like normal people.Yossel-the-Jew: Oy, I apologize. Originally, Columbus was headed for the “East Indies” and—Squanto: Wait … they were going to South East Asia?!Yossel-the-Jew: They got a little lost.

Squanto: “A little,” is maybe landing in Bhutan, but how could they lose a whole ocean?!Yossel-the-Jew: Directions. Mrs. Columbus tried, believe you me, to give the man a map. Would he listen? Columbus couldn’t find his way out of Pamplona. He was gored by bulls 13 times. Anyway, so now you know why we call you “Indians.”Squanto: Thank The Great Spirit, they weren’t looking for Bialyastan.Yossel-the-Jew: So you’d be the “Bialys” – could be worse.EXCERPT 2. “Names?”Yossel-the-Jew: While we’re on the subject, what’s with “Squanto?” You have cataracts? No, from now on I’m calling you … “Neshomeleh.” And your tribe? “Patuxet?” It sounds like “farflucket” which if it were Yiddish, trust me … people would think you were the ones who got lost. Better you should change it to … “Neshomeh.”Squanto: I’ll take it up at the next big tribal council.Yossel-the-Jew: A “council?” So how many are in a council?Squanto: A hundred and two, give or take. Once a year they make “decisions.” You wouldn’t believe the hatcheting that goes on! The Southern tribes? Conservative, especially with the head dresses. Then the Western ones? Nuts with the bows and arrows. The North? They still live in igloos. Not one thing they decided in 14,000 years …EXCERPT 3. Wise “Counsel”Yossel-the-Jew: Wait. You mean to say only once a year with 102-give-or-take people is how you make decisions with all those meshugoyim?! I have one word for you. “COMMITTEES.” They should meet once a week to talk about … wigwams, the rain, the sun … should we catch deer or bison? Keep the machers busy. Don’t forget to serve popcorn.EXCERPT 4. “Children”Yossel-the-Jew: Listen, I noticed, on her back, your squaw carried your little kinder in a very attractive sling …Squanto: A papoose. I made it from fox. She loves it. Very handy when she’s picking squash.Yossel-the-Jew: Now this is some invention! My wife alone would take three! In mink. The only problem? For our son Meir, not only would she turn it in front, she’d glue it!Squanto: Glue it?! Then she’d carry him until he’s a brave? How could he be a warrior!Yossel-the-Jew: Exactly.EXCERPT 4. “Celebrating”Yossel-the-Jew: So, Neshomeleh, I must tell you … your tepees … excellent idea!

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Squanto: Yeah, well, we move around a lot where the buffalo roam.Yossel-the-Jew: Tell me about it … where the Jew-haters roam. This idea, too I’ll bring back home.Squanto: Don’t forget … always carry a pole.Yossel-the-Jew: Even better … we can set up a chuppah while we’re running. And listen … your people, instead of all this mishegoss with the boiled cranes, swans, and passenger pigeons, which frankly, I wouldn’t touch … can enjoy the harvest with a little kreplach, a nice salad … challah. The best part? You won’t have to sit next to Puritan people named “Helly” and “Fear not.” In fact, you can even make a festi-val in your teepee – but “teepee?” For Jews, this is not a great game of word association. Call it a Sukkah!EXCERPT 5. “The Dance”Yossel-the-Jew: I noticed while you were pow-wowing, the dancing. So much spinning … in a circle yelling \"Heya-heya-heya-heya!\" Loved it! We also have such music. Instead of your song, which to be honest, could use better lyrics, when you’re rain dancing, try singing: “Mayim - Mayim - Mayim – Mayim.”Squanto: So what does this profound word mean?Yossel-the-Jew: What else? “WATER.” Simple! Keep is simple, but specific!And from that day on, thanks to Yossel-the-Jew and Neshomeleh nee Squanto, new traditions were forged, lasting friendships made and the Jews of Europe got a huge discount on –leather yarmulkes.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Yiddish-and-English-Quiz.htmlThe Yiddish and English QuizAug 30, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyCan you tell if it sounds like what it means? Take this quiz and find out.We’ve all heard that English is hard to learn; what with all the grammatical exceptions, multiple meanings, silent letters, and crazy spellings.One of the reasons Yiddish has been adapted by non-native speakers is … the word usually sounds like what it is, not only the way it’s spelled, but in tone. “Happy” words often “feel”, well, happy. Yiddish words for “angry, not so nice, or bright” are often well, ugly. Even if you’ve never heard of Yiddish in, say Whitefish (Montana), chances are, you’ll get the meaning.So today, I present you with two little quizzes: English vs. Yiddish, and for those of you who aren’t Yiddish speakers. I promise you, you’ll get at least an 80 per cent on Yiddish! On the English quiz … if you get four right, Funk and Wagnall is looking for you.YIDDISH QUIZ:1-YUTZ: “Darling, you know daddy and I think your intended is a yutz.” MEANING:A)“It may take a while, but his idea for a fleet of mobile matzo trucks to teach rednecks about our food could be genius.”B)OK, you wanted to marry a dreamer. Encourage him, mamala … and you’ll come here to eat. “C)“Mr. Wonderful on The Shark Tank ate him.”

ANSWER: C: His ideas are interesting to only the Village Idiot and Nachum the beggar. Better your daughter should go with a goat herd. Then again … better the yutzem find each other and keep their DNA from spreading to other families who aren’t idiots.2.GONIF: “Everyone knows he’s a gonif, so should we buy one of his co-ops in Kielce?” MEANING:A)“Meanwhile, the man’s a real estate King in Eastern Europe.”B)“Oy, this thief will be ‘gone if’ you buy.”C)“Listen, he’s your uncle, we can trust him.”ANSWER: B: Better you should buy a 1971 Pinto from him. His wife did and she’s still in rehab–and court.3.SHLOCK: “I’d go to Sloman’s, but he only carries shlock.” MEANING:A)“His stuff are cheap knock-offs. I saw a mattress in there with the tag, ‘Serto.’”B)“His furniture is nice, but he overcharges.”C)“He has lovely Bavarian antiques, but I don’t ‘buy’ German.”ANSWER: A: But more, his “Sertos” are so used a Jewish Princess could feel a pea lying on five of them. In fact Sloman is known for selling shlock items, which are so shoddy, even the Salvation Army turned them down.4. KLUTZ: “Your son Herschel is such a klutz, his teachers were always calling about ‘what he did lately” in school.”MEANING:A)“What an adventurous son you have. You must be so proud.”B)“If, God forbid, I should fall on the linoleum, I know I can count on Herschel to pick me up.”C)“Herschel broke his foot playing ping pong?”ANSWER: C: Herschel is so clumsy that if he were Moses, we’d have only five Commandments. (Coveting would be so-so.)5.SHLEP: “OK! You’re moving. My Morty will help you shlep.” MEANING:A)“After work, Morty will come by. He loves exercising-by-shlepping.”B) By the time my Morty shleps your vase, you can burn your mortgage.”C)Maybe throw a shlep party. After all who doesn’t love a good shlep, especially when food’s involved?”ANSWER: B: The “lovely sounding shlep” is what every Jew avoids … dragging either -themselves or stuff without the thrill of accomplishment. Trust me. Should you get a shlepper to shlep you’ll never see him or it again, at least in your lifetime.

Give yourself five points for every correct answer, and I’ll bet my Frizz-Ease, you got at least four right, whether you’re from Brooklyn or Borneo. We Jews have a history of saying what we mean and finding just the right word sound to embellish it.Just as “Shalom,” “Shayna” and “Bubbala” are nice-sounding words, tell me, would you trust your will to a shlimazl?ENGLISH QUIZ:1-PULCHRITUDE: “Her pulchritude was so great, people stared!” MEANING:A)“With that body, that hair, those eyes, you could drop dead from her beauty.”B)“It’s not nice to say, but good looking she isn’t.”-C)“A few more pounds, and she’ll need that Reality Show. ‘The 650 Pound Woman.’ But I exaggerate.”ANSWER: A: I ask you, does this word sound gorgeous or does it make you think of arms that flap like bat wings?2-SUCCULENT: “That buffet was so succulent, I need Maalox.” MEANING:A)“I’m telling you I got such phlegm from that food, I can hardly talk.”B)“That roast, that fruit was so juicy, I stuffed myself like a pig.”C)“Talk about dry meat, did you see Uncle Leo sucking on that piece of brisket for five minutes?”ANSWER: B: Face it. In this ugly English word with two hard ‘c’s yet, you think “not good.” You would be wrong. You don’t need a stomach pump to digest “juicy,” which is the real meaning of succulent – unless you’re at my house.3-IRREGARDLESS: ”Irregardless of what you think, I can prove I’m right, as usual.” MEANING:A) Irregardless of what YOU think, I’m right as always.”B)“Irregardless of the fact that you’re usually wrong, in this case, you may have a point.”C)“Hey, idiot, there’s no such word, so who cares what you think?”ANSWER: C: Forget the “ir.” \"Regardless\" already means something that isn't worth regarding (which is why the \"less\" is there) so adding the \"ir\" to it means what? We should we not regard it again? Note: It’s often used by big shots who think they know what they’re talking -about. Regardless, tell them!

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.4-IRONIC: “How ironic that you and I should wind up at the same butcher.” MEANING:A)“I never expected you to buy an expensive brisket instead of a skinny chicken.”B)“Who knew you and I would show up at the same time at Gourmet Kosher when you live in Brooklyn and I live on Long Island?”C)“I can’t believe we both bought a whole brisket when you used to snatch up the ends.” ANSWER: A: “Ironic” means the opposite of what you would expect, not “What a coincidence!” Mrs. Fancy Alrightnik would never expect her old neighbor to buy a brisket. (Although I’m not sure chicken is the opposite of brisket … or she expected the opposite … or… you know, do what you want.5-UNIQUE: “I’ve never seen such a designer bag!”A)“Your bag is so unique I’m plotzing.”B)“Those stones and pearls make it totally unique.”C)“Your cousin the designer made only one – for you? Now that’s a unique gift.”ANSWER: C: How “unique” can something be? Are there grades of “unique?” If something exists like no other, can it be “very, too, a little” unique? Of course not. Shame on newscasters who modify this perfectly good English word.Give yourself five points for every correct answer and call me. With a grammatical genius like you, together, we can probably sell a unique e-book. And I promise to buy you a succulent bagel that will add to your pulchritude, regardless of the fact that even though you’re gorgeous, I did all the creative thinking. Is that ironic, or what?(The correct answer is no).

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/49970692.htmlThe Yiddish Are ComingJul 5, 2009by Marnie Winston-MacauleyShep some naches and read about America’s Jewish Founding Fathers.On July 4, U.S.-ians across our great land are picnicking on hot dogs, potato salad, apple pie with little American flags and futzing with fireworks (very Goyish). True, our Founding –Fathers were Gentile, but without MOTs, batty old King George would’ve cleaned up on his colonies instead of “losing” them.Yes, we Jews were on the scene, fighting and funding American Independence. Forget the apple pie! A true commemoration should be the blueberry blintz!Forget the apple pie! A true commemoration should be the blueberry blintz!True, Christopher Columbus got the credit. Also true, the debate about his Yiddishe roots still rages, but a few things we know for sure. If it weren’t for Jewish gelt, Chris would’ve been playing with hisboats in some bay in Barcelona. Luis de Santangel,the Jewish confidante of King Ferdinand and chancellor of Aragon, with relative and royal treasurer Gabriel Sanchez, convinced Queen Isabella that finding a sea-route to the Indies was a good thing --and loaned the royal treasury 17,000 ducats [about $20,000], so Columbus could travel. Repaid? Feh! With the Inquisition! The day before Columbus sailed, the last Jews were expelled from Spain.Meanwhile, had it not been for Jewish navigator, Luis de Torres (a Converso, baptized the day before sailing to escape the Inquisition), they may have landed who-knows-where. (Actually, they did. The Indies it wasn’t.) At least he made sure to be the first European to set foot on American soil. But there’s more. Columbus also brought along five other Jews, including, who else? A Jewish doctor (Maestre Bernal).Finding and funding it is one thing. But staying? The brilliant Jewish team of Barsimson and Levy deserve a thanks! Jacob Barsimson, (the first non-Converso to “step foot” in America) and Asser Levy were two of 23 Jews who arrived in New Amsterdam from Holland on September 7, 1654. And the tsouris started. First, the captain of their ship, the Sainte

Catherine, sued them for freight and food. As if this meshuggas wasn’t enough, in this New Land of religious freedom, Jews weren’t “chosen” to become burghers or guard the stockade of New Amsterdam. Plucky Levy stood guard anyway! And he was finally admitted to the Burgher Rite, making him the first American Jewish “citizen” in 1657.And so the American Jewish community was founded!Meanwhile, Colonial values were “Jewishized.” In the mid-1600s, the Puritans in Plymouth Colony, in Massachusetts, and New Haven took many of their civil and criminal sanctions –from the Hebrew Bible. The New World then was founded in large part, on Mosaic Law.In revolutionary terms, the name Sheftall stands tall. On December 2, 1735, the first white child and first Jew born in Savannah, Georgia was Mordecai Sheftall. The philanthropist was appointed Commissioner General of Purchases and Issues of the Georgia and South Carolina militias and what else? –– dipped into his own pocket when they “ran short.” Captured by the British twice, he was released in a prisoner exchange. But then, the Sheftalls gave body and gelt. So much so that the British put a price on Mrs. Sheftall! When her husband was captured in Savannah, she fled to Charleston, South Carolina, home to the largest American Jewish community, just before the British arrived, and nursed smallpox victims, preferring to face an epidemic to an English rifle.True we had a few troubles with this crowd, but Jews were big machers in the Revolution. There were about 2,500 Jews in America in 1776, several hundred of military age. The majority of eligible males participated in the war. Every adult Jewish male in Charleston, South Carolina joined the fight, so much so, Captain Richard Lushington of Charleston formed “the Jews’ Company.”Captain Richard Lushington of Charleston formed “the Jews’ Company.”“First Jew In South Carolina To Hold Public Office And To Die For American Independence” opens the inscription on a commemorative stone in Charleston to honor Francis Salvador, who was the firstprofessed American Jew elected to public office asdelegate to the first South Carolina Provincial Congress (1774). When a South Carolina republic was established and he signed and stamped the new currency –at least it wasn’t from his own bank account. He was killed by Cherokee loyalists in 1776, the first Jew to die for his new country.Who among us hasn’t heard of Haym Salomon, the great and generous, patriot? The Polish- born Jew (1740), was a secret agent in British occupied New York City. After fleeing to Philadelphia in 1778 , his Yiddishe kop helped rescue the Continental government’s coffers.

The fortune Haym Salomon lent to the Continental Congress was never repaid, and when he died in 1785, he was bankrupt!In Chicago there’s a statue linking George Washington, Salomon (and Robert Morris), with the words \"...The government of the United States which gives to bigotry no sanction to persecution no assistance.\" Washington was so enamored of Jews he was almost ?... a lantsman. He directly commanded 40 Jewish soldiers.What happens when you cross a Levy and a Washington on Christmas night? You get a trip across the Delaware! Moses Levy (1756-1826) was the first Jew in the U.S. to be admitted to the bar (1778), a member of the Pennsylvania legislature, and a judge. At the outbreak of revolution he joined the Continental Army and was selected to cross the Delaware with General Washington on Christmas night, 1776, to fight in the Battles of Princeton and Trenton. Upon his death in 1826, the Philadelphia Bar asked its members to wear a black arm band.Colonel Issac Franks was Washington’s Kissinger – with guns, a different accent, and forget the knighthood. Later, Franks’ Jewish home in Germantown Pennsylvania, (#4782 Main Street– if you want to drop in), became a temporary “White House” for Washington who, on his way to the Third Continental Congress in Philadelphia, was side-tracked by the yellow fever epidemic. The two remained friends, and Franks became the first Jew to have his portrait painted by Gilbert Stuart.Ah, but there was “the relative!” The colorful David S.Franks. After enlisting in the Massachusetts Regiment he had the mazel to become an aide de camp to Benedict Arnold and took major heat for keeping bad company. He, too, was arrested, then acquitted. Still not satisfied, he requested a court of inquiry. He was completely exonerated, held high diplomatic positions, was given a promotion and granted 400 acres of land! True, it worked out, but –next time your mother tells you “sleep with dogs and wake up with fleas” –listen.The Seixas were some family of menshen. In late August, 1776, when the British were approaching New York, Rabbi Gershom Mendes Seixas of Congregation Shearith Israel, closed the synagogue and safeguarded its ceremonial objects, displayed to this day. He was also the first native-born Jewish clergy in the U.S, and one of 14 clergymen participating in Washington's first inaugural (1787). His brother, Benjamin Mendes (1748-1817), was one of the founders of the New York Stock Exchange. Son, David, established the Deaf and Dumb Institute in Philadelphia and was among the first to discover efficient ways of burning anthracite coal.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.One of the most courageous mothers of the American Revolution was Esther Hays of Westchester, New York. Her village was burned by the British, yet she refused to disclose the whereabouts of patriots driving cattle through British lines. Among them, was her seven-year- old son, Jacob. Jacob and her other son Benjamin grew to be machers, and Benjamin’s grandson was Arthur Hays Sulzberger, the late publisher of The New York Times. Had there been no Mama Hays, the “Gray Lady” would be “no lady.”And so, the American Revolution had paid off. And who kickedthings off? Us. On November 16, 1776, the first shots in recognition of the U.S. as a sovereign power were fired in a congratulatory exchange between the American Brigantine Andrea Doria and a tiny island in the Dutch Antilles, St. Eustatius (Statia). The island was the overseas arsenal for the American Revolution. As 100 Jewish families ran things, the success of the Revolution can be partly attributed to the Jews of St. Eustatius.What’s the first thing you do when you win? Eat! OK, cater! In 1788, when the Constitution was ratified, according to The Book of Jewish Lists, Philadelphia went all out to celebrate. A kosher food table catered by one Isaac Moses was laid, and enjoyed by distinguished Jewish celebrants, including Gershon Mendes Seixas of New York’s congregation Shearith Israel.And so, on this July 4, it is only fitting that we scarf down those blueberry blintzes and –quote the words President George Washington wrote in a letter on August 17, 1790 upon the opening of America’s first synagogue, Touro, in Newport, Rhode Island:\"May the children of the stock of Abraham who dwell in the land continue to merit and enjoy the goodwill of the other inhabitants. While everyone shall sit safely under his own vine and fig-tree and there shall be none to make him afraid.\"Hashem Bless America!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48929782.htmlThe Yiddish CurseJun 14, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyCurses may be against our ethical makeup. But euphemisms are another story.\"Er zol vaksen vi a tsibeleh, mit dem kop in drerd!\" Boom.Whenever I heard this phrase as a youngster, the adults around me plotzed. The victim would turn borscht red, sputter, jerk, then threaten to pass out. At the first sight of spittle, Tante Leah would holler, \"Mount Sinai!\" (The hospital, not the mountain.)What sort of potent \"Jew-doo\" was this, I wondered. No one would translate until I was 21. My father solemnly whispered, \"It means ... ‘He should grow like an onion with his head in the ground,'\" as my mother poo poo-ed and spit-spitted, creating a small (but very demon-safe) pond in the living room.\"That's it?\" was my first thought. \"What did an onion do to star in such a curse?\" was my second.\"What did an onion do to star in such a curse?\"Just as Catholic countries use blasphemy, and Eastern cultures k'nock your ancestors, shtetl- honed, Yiddish curses have a unique verbal magnificence. As cursing is a violation of Jewishethics, Eastern European Jews, in desperate need of catharses in a hostile world, found a loophole. Euphemism. What most Jews may lack in fists, we make up for in pisks. These euphemistic sentences (or entire paragraphs) are juicy, creative maledictions that no simple \"Drop Dead!\" or obscene word could possibly convey. In fact, the whole point of the Yiddish curse is not to swear, but to . . . prophesize. Oh, and have fun.For example: How do you get around saying, drop dead?\" Simple: \"May you have ritual- purification water (that is, for a corpse) poured over you.\" Klop!See? You're not \"cursing,\" but oy vey! A blessing this isn't. Many of these maledictions employ what I call the \"shmooze 'n klop.\" This involves lulling your victim into a false sense of your good wishes. Then, when he's kvelling, you yank it away -- like magician snatches a tablecloth

from under your best china and turn it to tsouris. And what could be worse for a Jew than –good fortune (health, wealth, nakhes) suddenly becoming a kappore (catastrophe)? Listen ....\"You should own a hundred houses with a hundred kitchens in each house, and the finest, most expensive foods, and be served breakfast fit for a king each morning in a different kitchen in a different house, prepared for you special by a hundred different chefs, and get into a different car, driven by a different chauffeur who should drive you to a different doctor ... and not one should know why you choke on every bite!\"Creative Yiddish curses were a shtetl recreation.better.Now, mostly a lost art, creative Yiddish curses were also shtetl recreation exercises in \"tit for tat\" and –one upsmanship. It was a form of reciprocal \"besting.\" The more sarcastic, nasty, and witty, theShlomo: A shaynem dank dir im pupik! (Many thanks in your belly button!)Chaim: Krikhn zolstu afn boykh!! (May you crawl on your belly!!)Shlomo: A geshvir dir in kop!!! (An abscess on your head!!!)Chaim: A meshugenem zol men oysshraybn un dikh araynshraybn !!!! (A maniac should be crossed off the register of madmen and you should be inscribed in his place!!!!)Delicious, nu? The competitive Yiddish curse required not only verbal talent, but listening. So it occurred to me, what would happen if, in this harsh world of backbiting, bullying, and brutality, we restored this lost art to its former glory to settle our scores.First, for the yentas and bulvans in our lives, a good \"May your navel turn dizzy!\" beats chewing our stomach linings. The therapeutic benefits alone of \"Biling and Smiling,\" could save a fortune on Mylanta.Next, I propose a new reality show: \"KLOLE\" (A Curse). Forget eating worms, confessing your husband's a schnook, \"Trumping,\" Jerry the Springer, or \"No dealing\" with a guarantee of 100K when you've been living on kishke. –This my friends, is the real stuff, the ganza, the emmes!Just imagine politicians and talking heads jockeying for position with true wit instead of \"war.\"BUSH: \"May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.\"

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.CLINTON: \"May the lice in your shirt marry the bedbugs in your mattress and may their offspring set up residence in your underwear.\"And let us not forget ...ANNE COULTER: \"May your blood turn to whiskey, so that 100 bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your belly button.\"As the proverb goes: \"A curse is not a telegram: it doesn't arrive so fast.\" Like caviar, it must be savored. Our VIPs could release their hatred, collapse in hysteria and be forced to –listen.And wouldn't that be a leben ahf unser kop! (A blessing on our head!)Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48929367.htmlThe Yiddish Dictionary of FoolsMay 31, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyLegend has it that Eskimos (Inuit) have hundreds of words to describe snow. We Jews have hundreds of words for \"pains in the neck.\"Among the many majesties of Yiddish, is its magical ability to turn words into an emotional thesaurus. Both the \"good\" and the \"bad\" alike are not merely \"said.\" No. They're felt – in all their subtle nuance and multiple meanings. This is never more true then when we're talking about a \"fool\" or a \"nudnek,\" a \"shliemel,\" or a \"schnook.\" Face it. We Jews don't bear fools lightly. Who had time?So is it surprising that we have more words in Yiddish for fools than there are Golden Arches? These words are so delicious, many have become part of American jargon. Do you have the story about these words, and what they truly mean? In case you don't, as a public service, we from Jewlarious are proud to present the first …Yiddish-Yinglish Dictionary of FoolsBulvan: An ox, with no class. He'll move your house on his back without asking. –Chaim Yankel: A mister nobody. His favorite color is beige.Chaleria: A shrew. If her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case.Chazzer: A pig: He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover. Draycup: She one not only forgot her address, she's in the wrong city.Eingeshparht: He's got a head like a rock.Gantseh Makher:He made a few bucks selling whoopie cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. Synonym: K'nockerGonif: Unscrupulous, a thief. His partner's sent out an APB.Grubber yung:Crude. A big mouth who has dirt (from grabbing) under his fingernails. Klutz: Clumsy. She falls over her own sneakers fastened with Velco.–Kvetch: A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out who needs it?–Luftmensch: A dreamer who never wakes up. He could paint a masterpiece, if only he had –an easel and knew how.–

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,Meshugener: A loony. Whether he thinks his underwear is after him or barrels over Niagra Falls, he's one letter short of an M&M.Moishe Kapoyr:Today he'd be called \"oppositional.\" The family votes to hold the reunion in Vegas. He votes for Vilna.Nar: He left his law practice to become a clown.Nayfish: A doormat. When he's robbed, he apologizes for being short on cash. Nebekh: A hapless unfortunate. He gets stepped on by accident a lot.Nuchshlepper:A hanger-on. She shleps the 200 pound camping gear for the group.Nudnik: A persistent bore. She doesn't stop with the talking, the asking, the annoying till you want to staple his lips together.Nudzh: A pesty badgerer. She tells you twelve times to check the locks. Unlike the nudnik, it could be an occasional occurrence.Ongeblussen: A self-involved blowhard. If his last name is Moses, he thinks the Bible gave him a mention.Oysvorf: Unpopular outcast. Think David Duke at a Hadassah meeting. Paskudnyak: A revolting, corrupt person. For him, there would be a very short funeral. Shikker: A drunk. She has a little chaser with her Cheerios.Shlemiel: A pathetic, clumsy loser. He drives over through your living room. –Shlimazel: An unlucky loser. He's the one the shlemiel was visiting.Shlump: Unkempt, saggy. She shleps, stooped, with her hair in strings.Shmeggege: And idiotic doofus. Short of a \"meshuganah,\" he's sure he'll make a killing with his musical toilet seat ... and acts like a makher about it.Shmendrik: Nincompoop. A fraternal twin to a shlemiel, he's thinner and weaker.Shnook: A likeable patsy. You could sell him a time-share in Area 51, and he'll pay top dollar for vacationing on an historical site.–Shnorror: A beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage. Bad for a potluck party. Trombenik: A lazy braggart. Not only does he blow his own horn, he doesn't own one.Yuchna: A loud-mouthed, boorish female. In Loehmann's dressing room she'll yell \"It would fit if you lost a few pounds!\"Yutz: Socially inept. He takes you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train collection.Zshlub: Lazy slob. He shows up with schmutz on his untucked shirt. To Archie Bunker, \"meathead\" looked like a zshlub when he met him although he'd never say it.–Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother\" and the award- winning \"A Little Joy, A Little Oy\" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Yiddish-Quiz-of-Goodniks.htmlThe Yiddish Quiz of “Goodniks”Feb 16, 2019by Marnie Winston-MacauleyBalabusta, kvell, zei gezunt, what do they all mean?!We Jews are a passionate people full of vivid words and expressions in both anger and love. As our vocabulary for fools and our curses (“May you ….”) are legendary, we thought it was time to talk of our colorful words for those times we’re over-the-top happy, thrilled, proud and yes, even satisfied!For millennials who may have missed the finer points of these all-important Yiddish words and expressions, have a go and see if you’re up to it!THE YIDDISH QUIZ OF GOODNIKSChoose the best definitions!Balabusta:Usage: “You should see my daughter! Who would have thought she’d become such a balabusta?”A. A Mrs. or Ms. Scrubber, her home is more germ free than a NASA clean room. Today the term may have OCD connotations, but in fact, from older Jews this is high praise.B. A true mistress of the house, not only does she clean and cook, but gives spiritual sustenance to her family and guests.C. Not quite “zaftig” (a little heavy), her curves are in the right places to make her luscious, not fat.

Answer B: A superb home-maker, she’s also the “hostess with the mostest.” Whether it was just for us or a sudden crowd of 30, my own mother, may she rest in peace, could serve and entertain with one chicken and silly string and make it look easy. All were fed, feted and felt the warmth.Kvell:Usage: “Darling, when it comes to you, I ‘kvell,’ which can be annoying to other people, so I only share on selected social media.”A.You’re filled with joy, and maybe yelling, such as AY-YAY-YAY so they can hear you in Paraguay.B.You’re filled with such pride, in say, your daughter’s achievement, that you call, email, and FB friends, neighbors, and strangers in all your groups, including those in Macramé Rules.C.A combination of both the Yiddish/Hebrew phrase, “kein aye hara,” (“no evil eye”) and the Yinglish for “well,” kvell, means the sender is wishing you “good health, knock on wood.” Old school Jews may also say and spit: “poo-poo-poo.”Answer B: Your son just decided to become an oncologist, your daughter is on a dig in Israel, your husband’s blood pressure, thanks to your cooking, is down to 140/80 and your bursting with such pride you simply must share the good news with all in your life and even a few in the elevator at Bloomingdale’s.Mechayeh:Usage: “When all the grandchildren came at one time to us in Miami, just seeing them together in the pool was such a mechayeh!”A.“Getting all my children to schedule this was nothing short of a miracle!”B.An answered prayer, as in: “I said a special prayer during Shabbos, to have my grandchildren come to us together and frolic in our pool. My prayer was answered! A true mechayeh!”C.“Such pleasure we got; such joy, from seeing our grandchildren frolicking with us in the pool.”Answer C: From the Hebrew root “chai” for “life,” a mechayeh literally means “resurrection” –a feeling of delight or relief whether from an icy glass tea on a hot day, to seeing the –grandchildren in Miami. According to Leo Rosten, “It’s uttered with a smile, a grin, or a pleased cluck.” For example, in the shtetl, if soldiers didn’t barge in, that was a big mechayeh.

Mensch (mentsch):Usage: “Listen, mamala. Would dad and I interfere in your choice of partner? Of course not. As long as he’s a mensch.”A.Not just a “good” person, but a stellar one, with great empathy, heart, and noble generosity. He just “knows” when you need a hug, a hand – or a homemade noodle pudding!B.He’s got a job. A good one. He can afford to keep you in a house with two great rooms, with three cars, white carpeting, and a maid twice a week.C. He will donate a fortune to the Shul, even if he expects a sit-down dinner in his honor. He’s a bigshot, knows it, and is proud of his power to be recognized for his good works.Answer A: It literally means “man,” but when used by Yiddish speakers he’s much more. Whether an academic or not, he has a deeply considerate soul. “Sammy” was our mensch. Many years ago, my father had a horrific accident that laid him up for a year. We noticed our snow was being shoveled but had no idea who was doing it. One day, my mother spied a man outside we didn’t know. He was a neighbor, Sammy, who lived three blocks away. He heard about the accident and did the deed. From that day forward, my father and he, two wildly different men, became “brothers,” as my father dubbed him a true mensch both for the work, and the sincere desire to help without even asking for recognition.Oytser:Usage: “I love my oytser and couldn’t even think of a life without!”A. An adorable child, generally either yours or a grandchild who is capable of making you a little meshugge, but that’s OK, as he has so much charm when he throws his toys.B. A sweetheart. The love of your life!C. A pearl engagement ring. The pearl, rather than the diamond, has a long and noble history among We Jews.Answer B: “My Mendel is my oytser! A treasure. As my mama would say: ‘We were meant to be’ and the Bible agrees. ‘My cup runneth over’ from him.”Bubbe: (pronounced “bubby”)Usage: “That ‘bubbe’ tells the best stories! I’m LMHO from the analysis of Bart Simpson alone.”

A.He or she is a Jewish comic who often appears on Andy Cohen. Not only is this a “bubbe” but calls Andy “bubbe” along with everyone else on his sofa.B. An endearing name you call a marriage prospect. For example: In a kosher Chinese restaurant when he asks how you want your rice, you say: “Bubbe darling, ‘thrown.’”C. A darling granny. Not only are you her mamala, she can she make gefilte fish from scratch and her chicken soup has just the right floating oil slick.Answer C: When my parents took my Bubbe to see “Fiddler” she said of the shtetl … “Good! Only I don’t remember so much singing!” NOTE: Bubbeleh which no doubt relates, is one of the most endearing terms in Yiddish. Should bubbe call you this, you’re one \"little doll.\"Shayna Punim:Usage: “Milty, my son, I noticed her acne and the limp, but even so, your girlfriend has a shayna punim.”A.Even though she’s no beauty, she has a beautiful soul. (Note: she’s a female mensch.)B. This girl has some courage! Despite adversity, she has pride in herself.C.“Your girlfriend has such a pretty face (underneath the acne).”Answer C: The phrase, shayna (pretty) and punim (face) means what else? A pretty face. If you’re a bubbe saying it to your granddaughter, add a loving sigh as in: “Mamala, you have such a shayna punim!” Alternative: If you want to “kvell” about her whole body, use: “shayna maidel” for pretty girl!Zei Gezunt:Usage: “Thank you for inviting us! And take care of that cold. Listen, in this snow, we’d better get going. Oh, and zei gezunt, Sheila.”A. Sheila just sneezed and almost blew out a kidney, so her friend who has manners immediately piped up while pulling on Sheila’s ear.B.Upon leaving, Sheila’s friend throws her a “be healthy” – but doesn’t get too close.C.“May you have a full life,” her friend wishes, from the Yiddish “gezunte” which means “big.” It’s also used to describe a huge deli sandwich.Answer B: Now, the only question that remains is why isn’t A also correct? After a sneeze, it’s customary to say “gezuntheit” (which literally means “health” or “in good health), however, the issue is one of usage. A brief history: The Patriarch Jacob was the first person to become

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.ill before passing on. Before that, people would sneeze and die. When God infused the soul into Man, He \"blew it\" into Adam's nostrils so it’s only natural that the soul would leave through the same portal. More, during the Middle Ages, as a sneeze could have meant an incurable disease, people would bless the sneezer.So how did you do?Have more to add? Like this? I’m kvelling!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Yiddish-Quiz-of-Fools.htmlThe Yiddish Quiz of FoolsJan 5, 2019by Marnie Winston-MacauleyGonif? Chazzer? Bulvan? What do they all mean?We Jews don’t bear fools lightly. A group that admires and insists on intellect has no time for idiots, especially when we’re running. We need someone tripping? More, in the small shtetls of Eastern Europe, we “labelled” within. Knowing who’s who was a tradition. What was created was more words for “fool” than other languages have for snow or rice.For millennials who may have missed the miniscule but all-important details of those fools in our midst, let’s have a go at it and see if you’re up to the finer points.QUIZ: WHAT KIND OF YIDDISH FOOL ARE THEY?Choose the best definitions! Bulvan:Usage: “You invited Gideon for the whole weekend? The man’s a bulvan. Even your mother runs from him and he’s your side of the family. Uninvite.”A.He’s a secret thief. When you’re not looking, he’s putting your Chagall painting over your couch, on Craig’s List.B. A poo-pooer, he’s a critic. As for your Chagall, he broke matza with the artist … and says: “Your painting’s a fake, done by H. Iskowitz, a Chagall impersonator!”C.He’s an ox, with no class. He'll move your “phony” Chagall and your couch to the basement in one trip.–

Answer C. A crude, loudmouth, oaf who will act like a manners-impaired Sasquatch. [Note: B is close, but who’s counting?]Chaleria:Usage: “That Sylvia is now on the synagogue play committee. Of the 15 women, 12 resigned. I’m making it 13. Who can work with that chaleria?!”A.Of a bad personality or good personality, she has “no” personality. In her presence, others fall asleep as she goes on and on about the history of challah or forgets why she’s there altogether.B. What a witch! When you suggest that your son, a gifted singer and dancer on Broadway, try out for Perchik in “Fiddler” she’ll say: “Please! You know, I know, everyone knows he has no talent! Ten years ago, when he was in High School he stunk in “Milk and Honey!”C.She’s a show off, whatever your ideas, or what you have, she has better, more, or you’re -wrong. Even a headache. If you have migraines, she’ll announce proudly: “They suspect I may have a brain tumor.”Answer: B. A shrew! Not only does she argue, put-down, and humiliate, if her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case.Chazzer:Usage: “Marvin, the chazzer, is coming for Pesach?! Quick, Google if Home Depot sell locks for appliances?!”A. He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover, not to mention all the leftovers.B.He’s an idiot who thinks he can do or fix anything. “The last time he visited when my mouse needed cleaning, he took apart my computer and left it in a million pieces.C.He’s a lunatic dreamer with no talent. He “invents” by taking things like appliances and finding new uses for them, for example: “He turned my toast into a hummus warmer!”Answer: A. While not exactly a Jewish thief, he’s a pig. He may even ask: “May I help myself?” and he’ll “help” himself to the contents of your refrigerator, freezer and your soy sauce collection.Gonif:

Usage: “I heard Irving, the gonif, is finally home again. He’s starting up a new investment company. Should we invite them to our Purim party?”A. Half genius, half brain-dead, he not only forgets his address, he’s in the wrong country.B. The IRS paid him a visit and he mysteriously disappeared for two years.C.He’s a secretive world traveler who may leave his wife and family when he gets an idea but comes back a millionaire.Answer: B. Unlike the chazzer, the gonif is an unscrupulous thief. His partners sent out an APB and the IRS found him.Kvetch:Usage: “I don’t mean to be a kvetch but is this pastrami a little lunghy?”A. A perfectionist who only knows from and accepts the very best. Difficult maybe, but also to be admired.B.An “EA” (for “Enough Already”). A little OCD, the kvetcher notices every tiny detail or imperfection and is nauseated until the situation is corrected.C. A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out who needs the traffic?–Answer: C. A constant complainer, his/her answer to the proverbial question “Is anything all right?” is “Never!”Schlemiel:Usage: “Harvey, you hired cousin Myron, that schlemiel? You want your button business to go bankrupt?!”A. He drives through the factory, destroying your best button machine by mistake.–B.A master manipulator, he’ll organize a union against you, and become the head of it.C.He’ll put your “irregular” buttons on his E-bay seller account and charge $20 for each lot of “Assorted Buttons.” Yours.Answer: A. A pathetic, clumsy loser, he is the idiot upon whom things fall (with a little help from his “schlemieldom”).Shlimazel:Usage: “You hired him, which makes you such a schlimazel when he ruined your button machine!”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.A.You’re a good-hearted soul, but an idiot. You said: “He has skills.” You didn’t become the Button King by hiring idiots and thieves.B.“You are an unlucky loser who let’s schlemiels in your business.”C.“You let a meshuggena mess with your business! A chazzer! A gonif. “Answer: B. An unlucky loser. You hired the schlemiel who destroyed your business by –accident.Schnorror:Usage: “Morris, you gave that schnorrer $100?! To ‘invest?!’ Not to mention our leftover brisket!? Are you meshuggah?!”A.He plays fast and loose. He’ll invest in Area 51!”B.He’ll wine and dine you promising if you invest, you’ll be set for life!C.He’s a beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage.Answer: C: He’s a borrower! He’ll “borrow,” will schmooze you to lend him your house, then charge Jewish strangers for Jewish Meet-Ups.Yutz:Usage: “Pssst, Sheld’n. In the kitchen. (CONTINUES) You see who our Rosala brought home? That hair, the schmatte (rags) he’s wearing. It wasn’t enough she was dating that schnorrer, Bruce, then the schlemiel, Ira. Now she’s dating a yutz.”A.He’s an out of work outcast who is looking to find himself.B.He’s a social disaster. He brought you a “hello” gift: a collection of photos he took of the Myrtle Avenue L train.C.He’s a liberal you-know-what. “I bet he takes those marijuana Gummy Bears.”Answer: B: An inept jerk, this one will take you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train picture collection.

Savehttps://www.aish.com/j/as/Theodore-Bikel-A-Jewish-Man-for-All-Seasons.htmlTheodore Bikel: A Jewish Man for All SeasonsJul 25, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh e o T n ya aw r dw inn nig t a corfam o u sfor play in gT vey e in F iddler on t Rhe oof dies at 91.It’s been said that when someone dies, it affects us all. When a famous person dies, it’s felt more deeply. When a famous person you’ve met or interviewed dies … you take it personally.I had the pleasure of interviewing Theodore Bikel, who died on Tuesday July 21st, for my book: “Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth about the Jewish Mother.”The first thing we talked about was dear to my heart; the song “Edelweiss” which he sang in the Broadway production of “The Sound of Music” as Baron von Trapp, the role he originated in 1959. The simple song reminded me of sitting at my zayde’s knee as he sang and played the balalaika. Mr. Bikel explained how Rogers and Hammerstein wrote the song specifically for him at the last minute during previews.As we moved on, I found him to be no-nonsense, funny, and outspoken. The man known for his ability to play any man, anywhere, didn’t disappoint.“I believe in the continuity of the Jewish existence.”On his mother, Miriam Bikel: “I could do no wrong. According to her I was a genius!” Though she was supportive of his performing saying: “I sang before I could talk,” the truth is, her expectation ofperfection was wrong ... we all do wrong. [My mother] was a mixture of lovable, but she devoted herself to being overly protective. When she was in an old age home and asked how I was, not a single time could I fall asleep again.”

Yet he deeply respected the Jewish mother who “also had to survive in hostile environments.” And indeed, the family not only survived, but throughout his diversified career, he was ardently Jewish, in his art, in his life.Theodor Meir Bikel was born in Vienna on May 2, 1924, to Josef Bikel and the former Miriam Riegler. He was named for Theodor for Theodor Herzl, founder of Zionism, who, 64 years prior, was born on the same date.In his early teens, after the Anschluss, Bikel (called Theo) saw Hitler parade into Vienna. The family quickly moved to British occupied Palestine, where Theo settled in Kibbutz Kfar Hamaccabi. It was here he knew he was destined to be an actor and apprenticed for three years at the Habimah theater in Tel Aviv in 1943. He also was a co-founder of the Israeli Chamber Theatre (the “Cameri”).He moved on to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London. Already a master of many languages, he was that rare performer who reveled in playing a diversity of roles. He also took an earnest interest in the guitar and folk music. His career was kick-started by Sir Laurence Olivier who offered him a role in his production of “A Streetcar Named Desire.”In addition to originating the role of Baron von Trapp, Mr. Bikel is universally associated with Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof.” While he didn’t create the role, he played it over 2,000 times from 1967 to 2010, more than any other performer.His versatility is seen in his screen and television roles, which include, among others, “The Defiant Ones” (1958) (Academy Award nominee), “The African Queen” (1951), “My Fair Lady” (1964), “I Want to Live” (1958), “The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming” (1965), “Crisis in the Kremlin” (1992), “Benefit of the Doubt” (1992), and “Shadow Conspiracy” (1996). The master of languages (seven) and dialects, appeared in over 30 films and numerous television shows. His flexibility and range is virtually unparalleled from playing a sinister Chinese crook, to a Czech officer, a Hindu doctor, a Jewish refugee, a Hungarian linguist, a blind Portuguese cobbler, a South African Boer, and yes, a Greek peanut vender to name a few.He claimed his favorite characters were Zorba the Greek and Tevye. Age never slowed him down. Not only was he the consummate Tevye, at age 84, he portrayed Tevye’s creator in his one-man show “Sholem Aleichem: Laughter Through Tears.”Known equally for his folk music, he was a founder in 1961 of the Newport Folk Festival. He recorded over 20 albums, many with Jewish themes, singing in 21 languages, including, Yiddish, Hebrew, German, Russian, medieval Spanish, and even Zulu. From early works, such as “Israeli Folk Songs” (1955) to “A Taste of Passover” (1998) and “A Taste of Hanukkah”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.(2000), he continued to concertize virtually to the end of his life. On his 90th Birthday celebration, referring to “Theodore Bikel Sings More Jewish Folk Songs,” he quipped: “A friend said it should’ve been called ‘Theodore Bikel Sings More Jewish Folk Songs Than Anybody.’”An outspoken activist for Jewish rights, he was at one time, Senior Vice President of the American Jewish Congress. In 1986, he was arrested while protesting the plight of Soviet Jews in front of the Soviet Embassy in Washington.At the end of our interview, when talking about the future of Judaism, he said: “I believe in the continuity of the Jewish existence.”More than virtually any other performer, he was passionate about the re-birth and continuation of Jewish culture. He succeeded. Rhino Records has released classic Bikel albums in iTunes. Said one executive: “His music was loved throughout the 20th century. We’re going to make sure people love it throughout the 21st century.”The Jewish man for all seasons will become a Jewish cultural lion --for all time.Mr. Bikel is survived by his wife, Aimee Ginsburg; sons Rob and Danny; stepsons Zeev and Noam; and three grandchildren.