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triangles, as who knew from hobbies? You could also say I invented “the hobby,” Anyway, the Jewish ladies loved them! At the time I was married to my 76 husband, David. He said it th looked like a fakakta pyramid! Pui! Did I mention he was very political? Such fighting 30 –years we yelled until we finally saw the rebbe, such a brilliant man. He said: “The Lord decrees that maneth and wifeth are equalith. OK, so you Sylvia, keep your triangle and David, you make another but put it upside down.” Boom! My husband, the macher, called it The Star of David! I can still hear his hocking: “You think ‘The Star of Sylvia and David’ will go over? Feh!JEWLARIOUS: I know the world is fascinated by your longevity. To what do you attribute your phenomenal age?SYLVIA: Tzimmis! It’s psychological. Every day my mother would say: “So, Sylvia, what tzimmis are you going to make today?!” I thought it was mandatory. Also, I never once touched a Twinkie! It was always in and out with Kosher certified. At my age I should take a chance?JEWLARIOUS: Over the years you’ve seen so many marvelous inventions, tell the world what in your opinion was the greatest invention?SYLVIA: Deodorant! No Question!In our original hut there were 98 people. Picture it. A hundred people running around wearing fur in 110 degrees sharing a hut. You could plotz from the shtink alone. And it traveled. Fifty miles were farshtinken even the parts –without people. We also learned the answer to our big question: If a shtink is somewhere it the desert, and no one’s there to smell it, does it shtink anyway? Oh boy! Even Jezebel had a problem getting dates. Did I have a chance? So, when our hut reached 1000 and people were chaloshing right and left, it took Chaim the Kohen to say, “Maybe we should build two huts.” The man was gifted!JEWLARIOUS: Tell us, in the early days what did you believe about life and death.SYLVIA: Life and death? From this, we didn't know. When someone laid down, we thought the person was taking a very long nap. We did notice the next day, the nuts and grains we left for them were still there. Eventually, our rebbe, after due consideration wondered: “Maybe they converted?” So we took their nuts and grains. They were the first leftovers.JEWLARIOUS: In 3000 years you must have had many careers. What were some of them?SLYVIA: Mostly slavery. I lived with my parents until I was 526 years old. They tried to teach me to be a good balaboosta. Never worked. My matzo balls came out square, and a beauty I wasn’t. But I was one great cleaner. When the Colossus of Rhodes fell, who do you think cleaned up? Marvin with whom I was keeping company, and I shlepped the pieces. If I knew then what I know now … I’d be the most famous female shlepper in history. I also made model mud castles right near the Galilee. For some reason, the next day? Poof! Gone. Just a

wet spot. Some thief stole my mud castles and had the chutzpah to pay me in water. If I ever catch that gonif …! Then, during one century in England, I was a sword sharpener. As a Christian couldn’t touch metal, it was the Jews who had to take care of business. From Henry the Eighth alone I made a fortune. But let me tell you, he was a strange tipper. I was also good at writing. No one could chisel like me. Perfect slant. Let me see. Ah, much later I sold pencils in Brooklyn. One customer I’ll never forget. Mr. Cohen, a jeweler, every day would give me five cents for a pencil which was hoo ha in 1931 and he never took one. Since my pencils came with a point, one day I told him I was raising my price to eight cents. Have you see him since? I tell you, people!JEWLARIOUS: In those days, what games did you play?SYLVIA: I now call it “LOOKIE LOOKIE.” We’d lie on the grass, point and say “Look at that … stuff.” Nothing had names. Frankly, it was very popular because what else did we have to do? In fact we loved it so much, that two cousins in our village Marcus Burnettsky and Alexander Trebrebeksy, thought: “Why don’t we make a regular contest to name “stuff.” Isaac Funk won. It was Isaac who, for example, named a cloud a cloud, a dog a dog … and “oy vey.” He coined that. The whole village turned out after Shabbos to play. The two got so rich, each had a cave with a roof that didn’t leak.JEWLARIOUS: Sylvia, tell us. How many times have you been married?SYLVIA: 587 and a half.JEWLARIOUS: A half? How can you marry a half?SYLVIA: If you must know, it was Sammie, my 2nd. It turned out we’d already been married before so we got a get. To get a get I had to chisel my reasons then shlep it to the most important rabbi in the desert. The funny thing? Of all my husbands, Sammie could’ve been a winner. I never before met a man who could recite Torah, make the best brisket, and weave a curtain from twigs. Meanwhile, enough is enough already. You think it’s easy sitting in Sun at my age? I could get liver spots.JEWLARIOUS: I have so many more questions, I’ll shorten.SYLVIA: Wait! For asking questions they pay you? Three thousand years Jews have been asking questions, and never once expected even a shekel. You’ve got some racket buddy boy. And how do I even know you’re writing what I say? Just today I read in the Gaza Gazette how the Jews made the locusts attack Damascus 3300 years ago! EGYPT. IT WAS EGYPT!Schmendricks! A nahr bleibt a nahr ( A fool remains a fool)! And now I’ll make a little tzimmis, and lie down. We’ll catch up tomorrow – if you’re still here.

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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/THE-3000-Year-Old-Jewish-Woman-Part-Two.htmlTHE 3000 Year Old Jewish Woman: Part TwoOct 5, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyArcheologists discovered a 3000 year old woman in the Negev desert named Sylvia. After she woke up from her nap, she had more to say.In our first installment, we at Jewlarious, shared our momentous interview with the recently discovered 3000 year old Jewish woman: Sylvia. OK she will be 3000 and ½ in October, but –who’s counting? Unfortunately, we had to cut the interview short when Sylvia had to take a nap. But soon enough she woke up, we ate some tzimmis and we continued.My father worked for the biggest Sand Counting firm, but were they anti-Semites!JEWLARIOUS: Sylvia, last time we were talking about your husbands. You said you had 587 … give or take. Tell me about some of them.SYLVIA: Hmmm. I mentioned that gorgeous I wasn’t. In fact I was a bissel zaftig in all the wrongplaces. Also, my father, God rest his soul, had a lowly job. He was a sand counter so –JEWLARIOUS: Wait. Why count sand?SYLVIA: How many jobs were there back then? He worked for the biggest Sand Counting firm, but were they anti-Semites! He was the best but he never even got promoted to sand polishing. Every night he’d come back to the hut cross-eyed, but the man could find a needle in a haystack.JEWLARIOUS: Wait. You had hay in the desert?

SYLVIA: Of course not. His foreman once said: “Hey, look at that sand stack! You could find even a beetle in there.” Years later, the goyim got it mixed up with haystacks and needles.Anyway, had he risen to sand polishing I would’ve had a decent dowry. Instead, all I came with was a lifetime supply of sand fleas and ants. So the matchmaker fixed me up with Yossel Yossel. Ambitious he wasn’t. All day and all night long, he made little colonies from the fleas and ants. Not one word to me. I was so frustrated, one day, I drowned his colonies! He never recovered.JEWLARIOUS: You mentioned he was called Yossel Yossel? What was his last name?SYLVIA: Yossel! In the beginning we had maybe 10 names. Everyone was called for example, Yossel, Rivka, Sylvia, Chaim, Shlomo, ChananyaYomTovLipa, or Morris. When the population was around 50, we just repeated. So it became Rivka Rivka … then Rivka Rivka Rivka. I, for example was Sylvia Sylvia Sylvia Sylvia Sylvia. OY VEY! It took Yossel Yossel an hour to call me. Which is how I got burned when we had a fire in our hut. I still have the scars on my belly.Here, I’ll show you--JEWLARIOUS: No really, that’s okay.SYLVIA: Not only was this name thing dangerous, but very annoying. Something had to be done, so we called a meeting. It was Morris Morris Morris I think who said, “Let us number.” So we numbered the names we had, like Yossel IX, Rivka VI. However, when we got bigger, it was a little unwieldy, especially in Roman numerals. By the time we got to ChananyaYomTovLipa LXXXVIII, MorrisLXXXV1 called yet another meeting. Oy, do we Jews love meetings. Anyway, he said, “I know! Let’s give us more than one name, but he was stuck on how. Suggestions flew like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe our jobs, where we were born, what we looked like, our relatives, personality, our favorite food, whatever. So we made a list. For example, Chaim LXXXIV, who thought “wetness” was interesting was thereafter called Chaim Yankel. On the other hand, the ChananyaYomTovLipas from X111 on were so lucky they found an oil can, so we named them ChananyaYomTovLipas Glickstein. It worked except for the huge feud between the skis and the skys like Nudnikski vs. Nudniksky. Each thought the other had a goyishe name. For 200 years wars broke out. This of course is why we called them Nudniks in the first place. The town was divided. Personally, I was an independent. I thought the whole thing was narishkeit!JEWLARIOUS: Very interesting. But can we get back to your other husbands?SYLVIA: Well, hmmm. There was Hymie Kvetchlivitz. Constantly with the “this chicken soup is too cold or too hot. My chair is too big or too small. My bed is too soft or too hard.” I must say, he made a good living salting lox, and with that golden hair, he was gorgeous. I tell you, about him. Abner Scribnerwitz made a story: “Goldenlox.”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.JEWLARIOUS: That sounds a lot like a famous fairy tale, “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” which I believe was written by a British writer in the 19 century.th SYLVIA: Wrong! This they stole from my husband. Typical! Blame we Jews get, but credit? It was plagiarism! An open and shut case. I tried to sue but the statute of limitations ran out 451 years earlier. Again, a billionaire I would be! But don’t get me started.JEWLARIOUS: Tell us Sylvia, I understand you have 713 children. With all your wisdom you must know the answer. Is there really such a thing as a “Jewish Mother, and if so what was she like?”SYLVIA: Of course! Examples you need? OK. What Jewish Mother would tell her son: “Go mamala, fight the lion in the Coliseum? At least it’s a job.” Or, “If Shlomo stuck a cactus up his nose would you?” A Gentile mom would say, “Look, is it my business you put a cactus up your nose? Enjoy!” My dad once was furious. “I saw you swing that bat! Treif!” he said. This is also why later there were very few Jews in baseball. OK, different bats, same principle. Also, my mother tied a rope with a sun dial around me. Wherever I went I swung, and whenever she wanted me, she reeled me in. This she did till my 127 Birthday. Not the goyim. Once a th Gentile hit 16, boom! His parents threw him out of their hut. Meanwhile, I wasn’t allowed to walk to the Dead Sea till I was 249.JEWLARIOUS: Do you think your parents’ Jewish protectiveness contributed to your longevity?SYLVIA: Of course! Especially when my bff, Jonah, wanted us to play with whales. Oy, that was a close one. I still miss him. We courted for a while. Listen, I just got a text message from one of my descendants, Moshe Dyanken. He’s a big shot with the IDF, so if you’ll kindly excuse me…JEWLARIOUS: Not a problem. We’ll pick this up later …SYLVIA: Oy, OK. But next time you bring the tzimmis!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Abbreviated-Dictionary-of-Nu.htmlThe Abbreviated Dictionary of “Nu”May 31, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyExploring the many meanings of “Nu.”\"Nu?” says Farber \"Nu,\" says Lipshitz \"Nu!\" says Farber \"Nu??\" says Lipshitz \"Nu?!!\" says Farber\"Alright, already!” says Lipshitz. “Monday I'll send the check!\"In Yiddish, it comes in second only to “Oy.”For the uninitiated, here’s the analysis.\"Nu?” says Farber “I want the gelt you owe me already. So when?”\"Nu,\" says Lipshitz “I need a reminder?”\"Nu!\" says Farber “Obviously, as I haven’t seen a nickel!”\"Nu??\" says Lipshitz “So you’re calling me a thief??”\"Nu?!!\" says Farber “Well what would you call it if I owed you for six months?!!”\"Alright, already!” says Lipshitz. Monday I'll send the check!\"Yiddish has always been one up on our digital world that’s determined to shorten all communication to no less than two letters and maybe a colon. While We Jews talk a lot, in matters of grave importance requiring mega emphasis, we’re so angry, curious or verklempt, less is definitely more.

According to our master word maven, Leo Rosten, “Nu” which rhymes with “coo” is an interjection, interrogation, and expletive. In Yiddish usage it comes in second to “oy” and is equivalent to a sneer, a grunt, a grin, a frown, and can express anything from doubt, pride, disapproval, distrust, and scorn. The difference is in how it’s delivered, and yes, facial expressions count.Today, I give you, our dear readers, an abbreviated Dictionary of that mysterious, ubiquitous, always handy marvel of a word: “NU” to expand your ability to express ... the inexpressible.THE ABBREVIATED DICTIONARY OF \"NU!”AAcceptance: “OK, she’s not marrying a professional man. When we met you made zippers, nu?”Aggravation: “Enough with the bfs, blinking, and twittzing! Get serious already, nu?!”Anger: “So nu!? Why do you think it was me who drove the car in the lake?! There’s one other person in this house, nu??” (“OY”)BBoredom: “This speech she’s making about her trip to Israel? Nu, I could’ve walked their already!”CCautious: “Nu, leave it to you to want to honeymoon near killer bugs? Nu, Niagara Falls isn’t good enough for you like normal people?”Contentment: “Ai Ai Ai, Sarah darling, nu, this foot bath is such a mechaya. Maybe I’ll buy you one for Hanukkah.”DDefeat: “OK, she wants to join the circus. Irving, we did the best we could with her, nu? Depressed: “Nu, I’ll just lie here in bed … until she leaves the circus and goes back to N.Y.U.” Disapproval: “Crumbs under the couch and nu, you call this cleaning?”Distress: “I must be allergic! NU, take me to Mt. Sinai already before I swell like a watermelon!”Disturbed: “I need to hear your tsouris?! Nu, darling I’ve got my own. My daughter’s in a circus!”EEasy-going: “Mamala, don’t worry. Remember when you were 18, 5”1’, 150 pounds and wanted to be Rockette? So nu, your daughter wants to be with the clowns.”

Embarrassment: “Oy nu? Was that noise from me?”Envious: “Nu, OK, it’s a nice sofa, Sylvia … if you like sitting on big cloth daisies.” Exhausted: “Nu!!! If I mop that floor one more time, I’ll plotz!”FFascinated: “E=MC2? Nu? From this Einstein became famous?”Fondness: “OK, so I said I wasn’t crazy about your sofa, but nu darling, I say it with love.”Frustration: “Nu, wait! Because I pressed F17 something, held the Alternative Key, and banged the big black box a little, the whole computer blew up?” ”Furious: “You GOT my daughter the circus job?! NU! You and I are finished!!”GGenerous: “Mamala, you like the Hybrid daddy and I got you for graduation? We’re so happy even if, nu, we’ll retire with a little less.”Glad: “An elephant spit on you? So nu, you finally realized dad and I were right about the circus career!”Guilt: “OK, so I took the last latke, nu, forgive me, but I wrongly assumed you made enough.”HHappiness: “My son came in third on ‘Jeopardy!’” Nu, I’m kvelling!”Homesick: “Sure we love Long Island, but to be honest, nu, don’t you also miss the apartment in the back of the store in Brooklyn?”IInconsiderate: “Pssst. You brought along your cousins for dinner without saying? Nu?” Insulted: “NU, so you, my very own sister, think my furniture looks like IKEA?!”Interested: “Nu, are you sure grasshoppers are Kosher? Fascinating, but I’ll stick with the fruit.”Irony: RING: “Is this the “Everything Bacon” hotline? Nu, darling, do you have the wrong number!”JJealous: “So nu Herbie, I saw you walking with the widow Levy – so nu, you’re already looking for my replacement?!”Joy: “Nu that was the very last chocolate bobka in Brooklyn?! I’m thrilled!”Jubilation: “My fellow men’s club members … let’s all give Yitzak a standing Ovation! Nu I ask you, how often does a man volunteer his wife to cater our next fund-raiser??”

KKind: “Nu darling, take the leftovers, so I know my grandchildren will eat.”LLazy: “Nu, Herbie, are you going let the flood in bathroom drown us, or lie there like a lox?” Loathing: “Did you hear that yenta call me a yenta?? She’s dead to me. Nu, and that’s that!” Longing: “Nu, what I wouldn’t give for a diet Cel Ray with this corned beef right now.”-MMeshugge: “Uncle Irv’s trying to get a patent for his batteries for matchbooks. Nu, I ask you, is this meshugge or what?”Mortified: “When Myra addressed the 200 ladies at Sisterhood there was a hole in her pantyhose the size of an orange. Nu, when she finds out will she be embarrassed!”NNeedy: “It’s only a week after Purim and my kids left for home. Nu, I ask you, is this a way to treat the person that gave you life?!”Nervous: “Jump out of a WHAT? Nu, Marvin you’ll break your neck!”OOptimism: “Listen darling. Stop worrying. With your luck things can only get better, nu?”Ornery: “Nu, Chaim! I told you to get the snack with the extra raisins and not this chazzerai with only two!”Outrage: “Nu, Chaim! How dare you NOT get the snack with the extra raisins! You’ll go back to the store now if you know what’s good for you, NU?”PPanic: “Did you hear?? There was a hurricane in Russia! Your bubbe came from there! Listen, there are half a million Russian Jews right here in Brooklyn, so nu, you’ll take a sturdy umbrella?!”Pity: “With that bulke (roll) hanging off his face, how will the poor boy get a bride, nu?”Pride: (OLD JOKE) “So nu mama, isn’t my new yacht a beauty? And now I’m a captain!”“Sonny, by me you’re a captain, by papa you’re a captain but nu, by a captain you’re no captain!QQueasy: “Nu Ruthie, after your pot roast, you have maybe a little Pepto for dessert?”

Quirky: “NU? You never saw fruit on a hat before?! So, my daughter likes melon on her head. She’s … different. ”RRejection: “Nu, Morty? Isn’t he the one who puts a dish towel on his head and argue with himself over Israel’s Middle East policy? This time, don’t bring your cousin Morty!”Relief: “Thank God you’re home already. I almost called every hospital in the Bronx, not to mention the FBI. If you’re going to be 15 minutes late, CALL, NU?”Remorse: “I need that back operation like a hole in the head! Nu? Watch me walk like a duck.”Resentment: “You want I should buy stocks from you?? Nu, you have some chutzpah! Who sold me that swamp in Uruguay that was supposed to make a killing?!”SSad: (SNIFFLING) “Don’t mind me. I’m not myself since Frum Foods stopped carrying Kosher ‘scallops.’ Nu, just enjoy yourselves and I’ll sit here.”Sarcastic: “If Myron sold his house for 1.5 million, nu, I’m Natalie Portman!”Scared: “It’s his first time driving alone and he should be home in exactly five minutes. Nu, Manny, do you think he’s lying on a road someplace screaming?”Surprise: “Myron really DID sell his house for 1.5 million with the green carpeting and the leaky roof?! Nu, I’m plotzing!!”Stingy: “Oy, OK, I’ll lend you the 5 dollars. So nu, darling brother-in-law when can I expect a return on my investment – at 30 percent?”TTempted: “Nu, if I take another piece of babka, would I gain 10 pounds?” Tense: “OK darling, on the SATs … is ‘nadir’ up or down? Nu?!”Trust: “Nu, you expect me to trust you after you stole my chopped liver recipe?!”UUncomfortable: “If I knew the food here would be so chaloshes, nu, I wouldn’t have worn this miserable girdle.”VVain: “Come look at the photo of me as Miss Atlantic City, 1941. Nu, was I gorgeous or what?”Vigilance: “So sweetie, when you’re driving, nu, you’ll keep your eyes on the road and assume everyone wants to kill you?”W

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Wonder: “Wait! If you went bowling with your friends last night, how come a) you didn’t take your shoes; b) you forgot your ball; c) you got home at 3 when the alley closes at midnight? So nu, where WERE you?”ZZest: “OK everybody! Climb in the rented RV and we’re on our way to Tante Rivka’s 97th Birthday party! Shimon, darling, you’re 15 and you’ve never even met her! Nu, are we going to have a great time – 7 of us together for 900 miles or what?”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/70447097.htmlThe Abbreviated Dictionary of OyDec 12, 2009by Marnie Winston-MacauleyOnly two letters, but countless usages.Three bubbes are sitting on a park bench. The first one lets out a heartfelt, \"Oy!\" The second sighing, says, \"Oy vey!\"A few minutes later, the third brushes away a tear and moans, \"Oy vey iz mir!\" to which the first bubbe replies: \"I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about the children!\"In this joke, older than Moses, we also have the reason why Yiddish stands alone every –expression a magnificent, linguistic cholent among canned beans. Deceptively simply, yet deliciously rich, one word can fill a thesaurus the way one dish can feed the entire mishpacha.Of all of Yiddish’s words, perhaps none is as useful, as ambitious, as busy as “Oy.”Of all its words, perhaps none is as useful, as ambitious, as busy as “Oy.” Never out of place, suited to almost every occasion, these two tiny letters comprise an emotional encyclopedia. Biggerthan \"too bad,\" “aw shucks,” or even “Sacrebleu!” itcomes from the kishkes of Jewish trials from–anguish to zeal.Either of German (Ach weh) or Biblical origin, it was first noted as an English interjection in the 1890s. In fact, it’s so useful, non Jews have “adopted” it. Soto expand your ability to -express ... the inexpressible, I give you:THE ABBREVIATED DICTIONARY OF \"OY!”

Anguish: “Two years you’ve been seeing him. Oy, enough already!”Boredom: “Pssst, Harvey, they’re taking out another video. Oyyyy. If this is more about their vacation in Venice, I’m throwing myself in a canal!”Confused: “Did I take a right by the statue or a left by the Starbucks? Oy.” Dismay: “I’ve got to go bathing suit shopping. Oy! Not loving it.” Empathy: “Thirty-six hours of labor? Oy, tell me! I went through 41!\"Fear: “You want to learn to drive?! Oy! There are lunatics on the road just waiting to kill you!”Glad: “Your daughter decided to give up the idea of being a juggler? Oy, it’s about time.”Horror: “You saw a serial killer who looked exactly like your neighbor’s babysitter’s hairdresser’s on America’s Most Wanted? Oyyyy!!!Irony: “Is this the Santa’s hotline? Oy, do you have the wrong number!”Joy: “Would you believe I got the very last chocolate bobka in the bakery! Oy, I’m thrilled!” Kindly: “Oy mamala ... come to bubbe for a big hug – and also a sour ball.”Lamentation: “Oy, darling, we sobbed our hearts out when he left you at the altar.” Mortification: “Oy, how was a person to know she’s zaftig – and not in her ninth month?”Nervous: “It’s my granddaughter’s first dance recital! An Anna Pavlova she isn’t. Oy, I hope she doesn’t fall off the stage.”Outrage: “Oy! What a shyster! May his eyeballs drop from his head!” Pain: “Oy, a herd of antelopes are charging in my head!”Queasy: “After her brisket ... oy, I’ll be up all night!”Regret: “Oy. Daddy and I think maybe we’ve been too hard on you. A Junior College is nice, too.”Shock: “You found a what in her bedroom!? Oy!!”Tense: “You’re taking your SATs tomorrow – and you don’t remember if the word “Nadir” is up or down?! Oyyy.”Uneasy: “Oy ... see those boys. Quick! In the car. They’re wearing red – a gang color.”Vanity: “In my day I was some beauty! The young men lined up to date me. Oyyy…you should’ve seen.”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Wonder: “Wait. A TiVo knows to record my show even when they replace it with college football?! Oy, now this I can’t believe!”Zeal: “You two decided to get married in the Rabbi’s study this Sunday night?! For you, darling, I’ll call 50 family and friends and e-mail the out-of-towners. Hmmm. I’ll make 10 briskets, 10 turkeys, and order six sides from the Kosher Konnection plus dessert and the wedding cake. A band we can get from cousin David who once did an opening act for Gene Simmons ... then ... A problem? OY, I’m so excited I could plotz!?”

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The_Art_of_the_Shmooze.htmlThe Art of the ShmoozeJul 9, 2011by Marnie Winston-MacauleyImprove your Shmooze IQ with my Shmooze Dos and Don’ts.I’m a born shmoozer. I popped out of the womb, saying, “Finally! Nine months and all I had to play with was a cord?! But, enough kvetching. So everyone, when do we start with the solid food? Can we talk?!”Trust me, Joan didn’t invent that phrase. My gelt’s on Sarah, who when she heard she was giving birth at 90, said to Abraham, “Listen mamala, can thee and me talketh?!” Thanks to Sarah and our linguacious DNA, we Jewish women have been talking and schmoozing ever since. Constantly. Everywhere. With anyone. About anything. From foreign leaders to complete strangers in Ladies Rooms, we’ll chat, share, bond, because we FMOTs (Female Members of the Tribe) are the quintessential schmoozers.We FMOTs (Female Members of the Tribe) are the quintessential schmoozers.Last week, for example, I stopped into a 7-Eleven and came back with 20 new Facebook friends.Through shmoozing at a restaurant, I’ve learned about the marital problems of the couple at thenext table, set up a job interview for my cousin’sdaughter, and yes, grilled Jewish prospects for my son, all in under 50 minutes. Once, delivering an uplifting, inspirational schmooze with a man on a hospital gurney, I found out he was on his way to the morgue. I thought the Body Baggie was to keep him from getting dusty. (OK, not my proudest moment).For those who sniff at the idea of small talk as trivial drivel, or poo poo “petty” conversation, think again. Unless you’re Al Gore or Bob Geldof, who at a party or job interview, wants to hear you mouth off on human misery or toxic waste – especially when you’re in the produce department, squeezing for ripe melons … zzzzzzz?!That’s not to say these subjects are taboo or unimportant. But ’tis far better to break a little bread, establish a basis first. Countries may have been founded on Big Principles, but negotiating to become one? Shmoozing. Did Golda Meir welcome world leaders hocking for

gelt, fighter planes, or talking borders? Golda got more missiles and money with honey (in a glass tea), than by being a boring vilda chaya. Studies of graduates have proven that despite Ivy A grades, the winners in life are the schmoozers while the low-talkers and Big Talkers are the losers.They know that a gifted schmoozer establishes:1.a basis (“We’re both crazy about tea!’)2.a rapport (“And poppy seed rugelach?”)3.rachmones (empathy) (“But the fat makes you gassy?”)4.friendship (“Have you tried KishkeLac? Here, try one.”)5.networking (“Listen, this food is chalushes. Want to go to Moishes on 2nd Avenue?”)Then, over rugelach, you can talk world peace, pestilence and how making you a VP of –paper goods will increase his sales 250%.But as with all things, effective schmoozing is both a skill and an art. How do you improve your Schmooze IQ? Here is my list of four Schmooze Losers and Doers.SHMOOZE LOSERS#1: The Macher: Finding a basis is a good thing. But, telling the Donald and Ivanka: “Bet you never sold a condo unit in Staten Island?! I’ll show you how to turn a 10% profit,” will not only get a “You’re Fired,” you’ll hear Ivanka whisper to her husband: “Shmendrick.” Ditto for interrupting to say your nephew also met Mayor Bloomberg, or reciting your position on cloning -- or your Bar Mitzvah speech.#2: The Bester: A cousin to the Macher is The Bester, or Mega-Macher You threw a Bar . Mitzvah at the Hilton, he took 100 people on safari; you have a headache, she had a tumor. You wrote a soap opera, he catered Schindler’s List. Should you be such a person, you will, however, establish a basis among the other guests. They’ll all agree you’re a shmegegge.#3: The Censor-Less: “I hear you’re divorcing.” “You think that’s the way to make a matzo ball?!” “Overeaters Anonymous, right?” Proceed directly to Schmooze Losers anonymous; a 12-Step program for those afflicted with Bigfoot-in-Pisk disease. The only time you should say, “This may be too personal, but … you don’t look so good” is when the schmoozee screams, clutches his heart, or keels over.#4: The, “So … Tell me, Mr. Spielberg, from where do you get your ideas?” Asking “How did you get to be a millionaire?” or “So doctor, what’s this thing hanging off my chest?” are schmooze losers. Boring, annoying questions the schmoozee has answered 1,000 times

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.makes us boring and annoying. And as for clichés? If anyone asked my favorite sign, I’d say “Exit.”SHMOOZE DO’S#1: Know a little something. You’re meeting the faculty at Yeshiva University with your son, Myron. While you don’t have to be a Mike Wallace, read, watch, surf, so when someone mentions Kabul, you won’t ask why your Basic Package only goes up to channel 41. Trust me, mamalas. One schmooze-schmendrick remark will have you sitting home flipping channels –with Myron.#2: Question “Quintessentials:” A talented shmoozer a) observes; b) surprises! For example, you see an interesting prospect at a bookstore carrying Jonathan Safran Foer’s newest. Bagel her or play a little Jewish Geography. “You love him, too? Did you read his last? I met him at Princeton.” Such an opening not only establishes a basis, but let’s her know, that you, too, aren’t a lox. Do we not love people smart enough to notice what we wish to believe about ourselves? If he’s got arms like missile launchers, mention it, mamalas! For VIP-Schmoozing, prepare. Before you put Sergei Brin in a snooze by asking him how he co-founded Google, Google him, mamalas! Ask about saying Maariv while on a space adventure and he might invite you to share a Stolichnaya and Syrniki.#3: Share! She had a Caesarian, you had a Caesarian and you both have stomachs down to –your knees. He loves baseball, you were hit by one. You both had relatives that went to geeky Camp Kukalyn! Find a basis. If you listen a lot, then share a little, soon you’ll be sharing on Twitter.#4: Say the Improbable! Once you have mastered the basics, you’re ready for ELS (Expert Level Schmoozing). Let me illustrate. Some years ago, I was in a New York restaurant. The maitre d’ motioned toward a pole that hid a songwriter –a Broadway legend. “But he hates talking,” he added. When Mr.Legend moved toward me to pay his bill, I whispered, “Thank you.” Shocked he asked “for what?” I mentioned a song he wrote in the sixties, that maybe three people sing. We schmoozed for two hours.There you have it. Four ways to break the ice without a pick. And should you have any doubts, questions, criticisms … we’ll shmooze a little. (Bring cake).

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48931017.htmlThe Bubbie DiariesJul 5, 2008by Marnie Winston-MacauleyI've recently gained a new perspective on my lovable yet eccentric grandmother \"Fertel.\"Last week as I was lighting a Yarzheit candle for my grandmother, a curious thought wafted.No human being ever addressed my bubbe by her given name Bella. No. To the world, she –was \"Fertel\" (her married surname). That's it. I can still see her playing cards in a cap \"mit\" a visor, hearing her friends of 25 years say in their heavy Yiddish accents, \"So nu, Fertel, you opening?\"How peculiar, I thought. But then, grandma \"Fertel\" wasn't a \"milk 'n cookies\" bubbe. A gefilte fish \"mit roe,\" bubbe, maybe. For example, in the 1960's, the \"femly,\" including grandma Fertel and us little kids, schlepped half way across the world, destined for Europe and Israel. In Paris, she decided to cross the street near the Arc de Triomphe, a feat that would've made Evel Kneivel consider a career in accounting. \"Fertel,\" however, rose to her full five feet, three inches, stuck out her hand in the \"STOP\" position and marched! Little French people in little French cars went careening to make her a crosswalk as we, in our Ugly American paisley shorts, remained stranded and stupefied on the curb, until sighing, she marched back to \"cross\" us.Italy wasn't much different. Her review of the Roman Coliseum? \"Tsebrokhn (broken)!\"\"But\" ... added \"Fertel\" to her neighbors, proudly flaunting the photos, \"I saw Sid Caesar's house!\"\"Mama, it's Julius, not Sid,\" corrected my mother gingerly.With one \"Nisht geferlich\"(think: \"No big deal\") look from \"Fertel,\" a Jewish comic \"replaced\" an ancient Roman dictator.In fact, so many were her \"witticisms,\" so meshugge were her observations, so huge was her presence despite her small, square stature, that we started collecting \"Fertel-isms.\"

With one \"\" from \"Fertel,\" a Jewish comic \"replaced\" an ancient Roman dictator.Fertel-ism #1: From the day she, my grandfather, and my mother, a toddler, arrived on our shores, she lived in a tiny apartment in the Ridgewood section of New York that straddled Queens andBrooklyn. After my beloved zayde died relativelyyoung, Grandma Fertel sought the one, singular, unrelenting goal that eluded her: to move in with us. Now, before you conclusion-leap, we certainly would've made the room despite the added bulk of four straight-jackets. Plus, she –stayed over every single week. But, we knew that \"Fertel\" survived on her schemes, as anything and everything was \"Fertel soil.\" (Forgive me.) We were right. She lived a very long time, despite an enlarged heart, and the fact that her landlord, no doubt marked her for a hit, given rent control.When my mother was in intensive care after a major heart attack, only grandma Fertel somehow got through on the phone. Her mission? To report that \"Harry Truman died.\" Only moderately sympathetic, my mother replied, \"That's too bad,\" to which \"Fertel\" clucked, \"So nowwww ... Bess Truman will move in ‘mit' her daughter, Margaret!\" My mother was up and out in three days.\"Fertel\" did some of her best work in hospitals. When I was 21, a college graduate and still not married, she sat Shiva for me. It seems I had everything including a blood clot but no ––husband. While waiting for the clot to dissolve at NYU Medical Center, she called.\"Listen. You're just lying d'ere. Nu ... ? You couldn't meet a doctor?\" \"Well, Gram, actually, I did. An ophthalmologist.\"Silence. Then, \"From eyes? Pui! Vat kind doctor is dat? No! From hearts, from brains –dat's a doctor!\"The woman, till her dying day, couldn't figure out where the bubbles went when she \"saved\" her glasses of seltzer in the fridge, but \"ophthalmologist\" she knew.Fertel-ism #2: She said, \"Dat's it! I'm driving!\" at 75. My father was assigned to teach her. –\"Fertel,\" however, had one irrepressible quirk that wasn't in the manual. She took her hands off the steering wheel to \"wave\" to all her neighbors while shouting, \"Dat's right. Mrs.Gittleman! It's me! In da car!\" But sadly, her \"nisht geferlichs\" finally reduced her son-in-law, a WWII hero, to blubbering, quaking and quitting.–Fertel-ism #3: One of the strongest (and strangest) memories I have of grandma Fertel was her \"setchel\" (satchel). People thought the immense bag with the brass lock was just an old lady's purse. We knew better. No mere pocketbook, her immense \"setchel\" would be

considered \"cargo\" on the QE2. But more, it was \"Fertel's\" Magic Bag of Tricks, containing a micro universe that hung from her arm like a third appendage. \"Mit\" a poof! food leaped from that \"setchel\" and refilled itself. Cheesecake, chicken, Borscht, noodle pudding, kishke, –oranges were all neatly wrapped in a hanky soaked in My Sin perfume.–To this day, I can't eat \"a piece cake\" without a cologne chaser.Fertel-ism #4: \"Fertel\" could do many things (like conjure a meal for 30 in five minutes, with only a \"glass seltzer,\" a chicken leg, and half a challah). But air traffic controller wasn't one of them. She had apeculiar relationship with directions. She didn't follow any. No. Whether recipes or travel, \"Fertel\" operated on the FP-- the \"Feel Principle.\" So never once, did a dish come out the same way twice. Should you make the mistake of asking for a recipe, she'd \"nisht geferlich\" you, adding \"mit\" a flourish, we \"vouldn't farshtaist\" (understand). Should you positively force her, she'd sigh and say, \"a bissel dis, a bissel dat ... den feel.\" Martha Stewart she wasn't.On our usual \"femly\" drive on Sunday, after brunch from the local \"appetizing store,\" and post-brunch from \"Fertel's\" setchel, we'd head out to \"wisit\" a relative of hers. The –conversation:My father: \"Where are we going?\"\"Fertel\": \"Long Island.\"My father: \"Where on Long Island?\"\"Fertel\": \"Could be ... the Grend Concourse.\"My father: \"That's in the Bronx.\"\"Fertel\": \"No. Long Island.\"My father (sighing):\"OK. Long Island. What's the address?\" \"Fertel\": \"Near the stetue.\"My father: \"What statue?!\"\"Fertel\": \"The big von. Then, go two, three blocks, and toin.\" My father: \"Right or left.\"\"Fertel\": \"You'll feel.\"Dad \"felt\" lefts, rights, U-turns like a GPS gone meshugge. Then, eventually, from the back, ageshrai. \"STOP! Ve're here!!\" And we were. Never failed.During my childhood, grandma Fertel, with her trademark white shirt, brown skirt, and \"setchel,\" was a fearsome presence to us. And yes, \"Fertel\" with her demands and quirks sounded selfish at times. But it was only when she was long gone, and I myself was an adult,

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.that I was able to look beyond at \"Fertel\" and this is what I saw:a woman who bribed border guards to flee with my grandfather, from conscription;a woman who got officials drunk, so they could get to America before the Nazis took over; a woman who left her birth family behind forever;–a woman who had to learn four languages to start over and over again;–a woman who faced risk and the unknown with a \"setchel\" that could feed a family, a strong arm to stave off danger, and a \"nisht geferlich\" to deal with uncertainty.And now I could finally understand or better yet... \"farshtaist.\"

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Differences-Between-Jewish-and-Non-Jewish-New-Years-Resolutions.htmlThe Differences Between Jewish and Non-Jewish New Year’s ResolutionsDec 27, 2014by Marnie Winston-Macauley“ Spen mdore tim e t w ih fam ily& fr e in d s.”U m … for3 500J ew sh v ae eebn n lina ig this one.It’s not our holiday or even our New Year’s. Of course the secular New Year’s is hard to ignore when 99 per cent of the world is staring at a ball, while screaming, blowing strange things and Auld Lang Syning it at midnight. The next day, after football and mega ham and cheese hoagies they face the dreaded task of making “resolutions.” Do they keep them? I have a Gentile friend who makes the same ones every year. She’ll lose 10 pounds, eat healthy, and get rid of her desk job. She’s a trooper, that is, until January 3rd where you’ll find her face- down in a chocolate layer cake under her cubicle. This, of course, is why she makes the same resolutions every year.“Reduce my stress.” But to Jews, stress is a motivator!We Jews are expected to practice our religion and beliefs daily, no excuses. Do we fall short at times? Of course, but much of our lives are spent trying to be good Jews, empathetic human beings, and togive back to the world and those we love.So what are the differences between their resolutions and ours? Let’s look.*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 1“Spend More Time with Family & Friends.” Over half of the U.S. population resolves to spend more time with loved ones.

IS THIS A JEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?We Jews have spent 3,500 years nailing this one. If we’re not bringing our 40-year-old children brisket, we’re “checking in” twice a day, doing their laundry, paying for them to “find” themselves, building a third floor so they and their children can move in, and maybe having them followed by a government agency with three initials. This is not an easy task, but We Jews are on the job when it comes to spending time with loved ones. In fact, if we spent any more time with them, they might decide to re-locate to Sri Lanka, or block us on Facebook.So, we might, however, resolve to think about ourselves for a change without sighing, and determine not to show up on their honeymoon.*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 2“Get fit.” For non-Jews, regular exercise is a good thing. Studies have shown it helps them live longer, lowers blood pressure, is good for their arthritis, makes them look better, and perks up their mood.IS THIS A JEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?We need to be perky? We’ve learned that only a yutz is perky and leaving himself wide open for (pooh pooh) a ceiling falling on his head. It starts early. Show me one Jewish kinder who chose the Jungle Gym instead of the swings? I, personally, exercised with jacks to increase my finger strength so I could hold a gezunta pastrami sandwich in half a hand. But more.According to research done at the Boca-Technion Institute, the JM or Jewish Metabolism works best when it’s not disturbed by running, jumping, twisting or climbing. Vertical makes us dizzy. We are a horizontal group that revs up lying down. For MOTS, a hammock is healthy and unless you move, chances are you won’t break anything vital. I would, however, recommend you purchase a cheap bike that goes nowhere, and enjoy the extra space upon which to hang your husband’s underwear.*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 3“Lose those extra pounds.” According to them, 66 percent of adults are overweight or obese. IS THIS A JEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?Who are “they”? Some meshugge actress or model who thinks a dandelion is a bissel chubby? According to them, an ideal height to weight ratio is 88 pounds at say, 5’10.” Who but a lunatic would keep a log of carrot calories? We Jews on the other hand are born with the ZG or a Zaftig Gene. Now this is not only sane, but historically encouraged. Look at Renoir and Rubens concept of feminine beauty, before Skinny-Skin shakes, Thighs-Be-Gone contraptions and bulimia wards. Each of their models were a size 22. So, should you be 5’2” and 189 pounds like your bubbe, tell yourself you’re not fat … you’re either suffering from an extended case of Jewish baby bloat or curvaceously Queenly.ALTERNATIVE: “Eat healthy.” Trust me, there are more 90-year-old Jewish people in the Hebrew home, dancing a Hora after a century on a shtetl diet, including enough schmaltz to blanket Uzbekistan than Gentiles ODing on herbals made from adulterated seaweed.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 4“Quit stressing out. Take up a hobby.” How many Gentiles do you know suffer from chronic stress and admit it? Quaking, they hold it inside and put on a happy face, until one day they –burst and the men with the white coats come to collect them.IS THIS A JEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?To us, stress is fuel, moving us to “get involved” by fixing our mates, kinder, and the vilda chaya next to us in the elevator at Bloomingdales. Stress is our Trigger of Love. According to the renowned Jewish Indian doctor, Duvid Deepakawitz, our tolerance for stress is biologically higher than any other creature found in nature. The more stress, the more we and our dearest feel we’re “on the job.” The Dr. also added that “even little stresses - say, your brisket is dry, your daughter is 15 minutes late, or your mechatunum want your grandchild to be named ‘Loki’ after their dead Uncle Lichai is seen as not only a wonderful opportunity to ‘mix in’ but makes an absorbing hobby.” What? A smart Jew needs to put a puzzle together showing Mt.Everest during a snow storm?*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 5“Travel and enjoy life more.” Who doesn’t say, “Mildred, now that the children are 16, it’s time we took a trip. I was thinking we could rent an RV and drive to a Harmonica Museum in Tuscaloosa, or maybe something exotic like a vacation in Yemen?”IS THIS A JEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?We Jews maintain a three point destination: Miami-New York-Jerusalem. In over three millennium we haven’t “traveled” enough? But instead of running “to” we’re usually running “from” – Czars, Dictators, and neighbors in sheets with matches. Our goal is to stay put. A split-level in the suburbs, with a lawn, a gate, where traveling consists of walking to Shul and strolling back home is a delight for Members of the Tribe who can then lie in our hammock, down a Cel-Ray and be contented that we’re not forced to shlep through a border unless of –course, we’re crossing into Miami or Mount Sinai (not the hospital).So, mamalas … while the world is “resolving” we can rest assured we’re not only not missing out, but for once a year, while the world is “stressing,” we’re resting.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/The-Four-Corners-of-the-Earth.htmlThe Four Corners of the EarthMay 10, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh e st o r yo fthe e sJw hic ommu ni i teso fBa ah rin n adT a hi i t.When the average person thinks “Jewish” a few places pop up. Israel, Miami Beach, Los Angeles and of course, New York City. In the words of the late comic Lenny Bruce: “If you’re from New York and you’re Catholic, you’re still Jewish. If you’re from Butte Montana and you’re Jewish, you’re still goyish.”Growing up in New York, I did believe that most of the world my world was Jewish.––In fact, in many ways it was. With over two million Jews in New York, second only to Israel in Jewish population, my friends, neighbors, and of course the deli man, was Jewish. Little did I know then, that We Jews comprise a tiny percentage of the world’s population (13.9 million or a little over 0.2%).JEWISH GEOGRAPHY:Israel and the United States are home to 82% of our core Jewish population. Other countries/places with far smaller but mighty Jewish populations are: the European Union, France, Canada, the United Kingdom and Argentina. Yet, not so ironically, We Jews are “well- traveled” having been forced to run from place to place for thousands of years.As a journalist always looking for the “doughnut” hole, I asked myself, “Hmmm, where are the most unusual places We Jews call home?” Here are two fascinating places I found, even if finding a minyan is a week’s work.BARHAIN: AN ARAB STATE WITH A JEWISH AMBASSADOR

Not surprisingly Bahraini Jews, all 36 to perhaps 50 of them, constitute one of the world's smallest Jewish communities. There is, however, one synagogue and small Jewish cemetery. It is the only Arab Persian Gulf State with a synagogue and a former Jewish ambassador.Brief History:According to Jewish researcher, Ariel Scheib, Jews have lived in the region since the times of the Talmud. However, the modern Jewish community, primarily immigrants from Baghdad, started at the start of the 20 century. Prior to the establishment of the State of Israel, Jews th suffered assaults and lootings across the Arab world and in Bahrain during a pogrom on December 5, 1947. However, investigation seems to bear out the theory that outsiders were responsible, and many Beharainis protected their Jewish neighbors. By 1948, there were about 1,500 of us in the country. After the riots and the establishment of Israel about 1,000 emigrated to the Holy Land, the U.S. and the U.K. Most of the remaining Jews emigrated during the riots following the 1967 Six-Day War.Today: Despite the numbers, Jews are active in the middle-classes and even politics. Jewish businessman, Ebrahim Daoud Nonoo, sat on the upper house of parliament. His niece, Houda Ezra Nonoo was the Bahraini Ambassador to the United States from 2008 to 2013. Talk about record-breaking, not only was Nonoo the first Jew to be appointed, she is also the first Jewish ambassador of any Middle East Arab country! Today, while We Jews live in peace on the Island, there are no official laws protecting the rights of Jews, however a boycott of Israeli products ended in 2004.TAHITI: A FAR-FLUNG PARADISEAsk most people what place other than heaven they would call “paradise” and most would say “Tahiti.” Part of the Polynesian Triangle, Tahiti is almost a cliché for an earthly Eden, known for its laid back intoxicating beauty and the famous who drew inspiration from the island, such as Paul Gauguin, Herman Melville and James Michener.True, We Jews know from palm trees, beaches, and fruit. But imagine living in such a country without sirens, border guards and rotten neighbors.Brief History: The Pacific Islands have actually been populated for thousands of years. However fascination grew during the explorations in the 1500s as tales of the mutiny of theH.M.S. Bounty spread, along with Captain James Cook’s illustrations of the magnificent fauna and flora. With the arrival of both French and British whalers, missionaries, and military in the 1800s, there was French-British rivalry over of the islands. The Pomare Dynasty ruled Tahiti when, in 1847 Queen Pomare accepted French protection of the islands of Tahiti and Moorea.

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.While there is some mystery, it is believed that the first Jew probably arrived with Captain Cook in 1769. Alexander Salmon, according to Virtual Jewish History, moved to Tahiti, and later married Arrioehau, a Polynesian princess. Most Tahitian Jews, originated from North Africa and say they are French, Sephardic and Orthodox.With the arrival of Catholic priests, most Jews either converted or assimilated. In the 1960s, Algerian Jews created a practicing Jewish community.Today:There are approximately 200 Jews living in Tahiti. Acclaimed journalist and author Ben Frank, author of \"The Scattered Tribe: Traveling to the Diaspora From Cuba to India to Tahiti & Beyond\" has described his Jewish experience in Tahiti. Its synagogue, “Ahavah v’Achvah,” located in the Capitol, Papeete, means “love and friendship.” Built in 1993, nestled against palm and fruit trees the synagogue has a mikveh and social hall. A Shamash does live on the premises.An active Committee of Ten devotees organizes traditional rites and the Sunday school. Kashrut is kept and food flown in to an island market that stocks kosher foods.Finding Jewish clergy is a critical task for the High Holy Days in a place thousands of miles from its Jewish neighbors. During his trip in 2007, Frank reported that they considered hiring an Israeli rabbi but the costs were prohibitive for the small group. Shul members took the role of leading the congregation.Jews in Tahiti are mostly business people, many involved in selling Tahitian pearls.More than beauty, as the Polynesians are a peaceful people who respect others’ beliefs, there is no anti-Semitism to be found. And given the small Jewish population, they know one another, and are friends.All in all, a great place to visit, for Jews and non-Jews alike!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Funniest-Jewish-Jokes-Part-3.htmlThe Funniest Jewish Jokes, Part 3Sep 1, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyM y fa vor e o eit jks in c lu d in go e n th a t e plaxin s t he e re o esct t Jw is shu rv v ia l.Jewish humor is distinctive because it comes from a culture that has, for thousands of years, felt special but has been forced to suffer. From suffering comes our joys as well as our oys.The true Jewish joke reflects a unique mindset; our witty, hysterical, often irreverent view of the world and the people in it and us. If you think you can stick in another culture and get a –laugh … mamalas, don’t try it!The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. must have diabetes.I A perfect example is one comedian Marty Allen asked to use in his act:The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.The Scotsman says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch. The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.Mix it up. A thirsty Scotsman worries about diabetes? Funny? Feh!In this part, I’ve chosen a sampling of my favorite jokes that reflect our Yiddish kops and offer a brief opinion about why these are special and “Jewish.” Enjoy! And by all means, challenge me with your favorites!DARWIN- SHMARWINJennifer Finkel, a gansa “Ivy” freshman, brought home equally pompous pals. She couldn’t wait to show off her new knowledge with her bubbe. Arguing with great intensity, the co-eds discussed Darwin and the revisionists’ attack on the theory of evolution.Finally, bubbe spoke up.“Oy vey. For dis mine son pays a fortune?! Feh! Narishkeit! ”

“No, gram,” protested Jen and her pals. “It’s very complicated!”“Complicated-shmomplicated! Please. Even 60 years ago in Russia, we knew the answer, 1-2-3. If the baby looks like his father, that’s heredity. If he looks like the milkman, now that’senvironment!”We Jews discuss, debate, argue the most complex matters of religion, tradition, politics. Yet, we also have an uncanny gift for knowing when to simplify (and give our hoo-ha kinder a bissel k- nock).CAN WE TALK?Solly and Max were describing their fishing expeditions with great relish.\"Once in Florida,\" said Solly, \"I caught a fish so huge, it took three men to shlep it in!”\"That's nothing,\" scoffed Max. \"I once caught a lamp, with a date engraved on it -- 1492, when Columbus discovered America!”“Big deal,” said Solly rising from his chair. “My fish weighed 150 pounds.” “Yeah? Well, the lamp I caught was still lit!”Nose to nose, they stared each other down ... until finally ...“Listen Max,” said Solly. “How about ... we make my fish five pounds and you put your light out!”The IDF aside, most Jews believe in negotiation and compromise. Who has the energy to pick up a rifle after so much brisket? The next line is probably, “Now, let’s eat!”SUMMING UP JEWISH-STYLEAn Orthodox man was traveling on El Al, when his seat mate asked what he did for a living. \"I'm a rabbi.\"“Well,” said the man condescendingly, “I was born Jewish. I don't know much about it, but I presume you could sum it up in one sentence: ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.’\"The rabbi smiled, then said, \"And what do you do for a living?\" \"I’m an astrophysicist,” he replied smugly.Well,\" said the rabbi, \"I don't know much about it, but I presume I too, could sum it up in one sentence: ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little star -- how I wonder what you are.’”

Brilliant, wise, witty … We Jews can dish it as well as take it. And we do so beautifully with a well-timed, clever and if required sarcastic remark.–SO IF NOT NOW, WHEN?Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. “I vant a divorce.”“A divorce?” asked the shocked lawyer. “You hoid me, sonny! A divorce.”“Mrs. Baumgarten ... how old are you?” “Ninety.”“And your husband?”“Irving? Ninety-two – next month.”“Well ... how long have you been married?” he asked in disbelief. “Tomorrow, 70 years.\"“Seventy years?! Why a divorce now?” “Sonny,” said Rivka ... “enough is enough.”Who but a Jew would understand this phrase and its full meaning. Much like “a mensch,” “enough is enough!” are potent words to us: “We’ve got the patience of Job. We’ve waited, and waited … country to country … we’ve given our all to our hope and belief. But there comes a time when “enough is enough!”SO, A LITTLE MORE TSOURISA new flood was predicted and nothing could prevent it. In three days, the waters would wipe out the world.The Dalai Lama appeared on worldwide media and pleads with humanity to follow Buddhist teachings to find nirvana in the wake of the disaster.The pope issued a similar message, saying, “It is still not too late to accept Jesus.”The chief rabbi of Jerusalem took a slightly different approach. “My people,” he said, we have three days to learn how to live under water.”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.I always ended my Joy/Oy calendars with this joke. While not a knee-slapper, in one joke, we’ve summed up our persistence, determination, and uncommon flexibility! To me, even more than “Don’t do unto others” this joke … is at the core of our Jewish identity. Survival!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Funniest-Jewish-Jokes-Part-2.htmlThe Funniest Jewish Jokes. Part 2Aug 4, 2012by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh e e s lca ssi c jo e ksare qu in te e ssn t iallyJ ew i s h a n d p u t m ne t ioh y s teri c s.In Part One, I selected the funniest Jewish jokes I’ve heard, written, collected, and used in over 20 years of writing Jewish humor, along with a brief analysis of each.Some you may know, others may be new, but all are: a) quintessentially Jewish; b) literally put me into hysterics and still do; and c) are classics (or should be).–No such thing as Jewish humor?!I challenge anyone who would dare say there’s “no such thing as ‘Jewish’ humor!” One comic I interviewed who became a star during his saladdays doing Jewish “shtick” recently swore there was no difference between Red Skelton and Sid Caesar! Is he meshugge? What next? Jackie Mason and Ricky Gervais separated at birth?So for you, dear readers, I bring you my absolute faves. Like that girl with the curl, when a Jewish joke is good it’s very very good and showcases our unique Jewish spirit, wit, and yes, often sarcastic brand of humor.The WishTim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.--Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schnooks back in my office right after lunch!\"

And so we have the difference between “them” and “us.” The two non-Jewish workers believed. The Jewish boss, like We Jews, was not only skeptical (a miracle not in a desert?) but delivered a delicious punch line differentiating “them” and “us.”And while we’re on the subject …Jews Please LeaveAvram went into Church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: \"Will all non-Christians please leave.\" Avram continued davening.\"Again the clergyman said, \"Will all non-Christians please leave.\" And again, Avram prayed.Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. \"Will ALL JEWS please leave.\"At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, \"Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore.\"Our ultimate joke about Jesus as a Jew. Could there be a better “them” and “us?” Some 50 years ago we Jews were often accused of Christ’s death until the Pope absolved us in the 1950s. Could there be a funnier or sharper way to respond?Frum & More FrumA distinguished orthodox rabbi arrived in heaven and was greeted by an angel.“Rabbi, we’ve prepared a special feast in your honor, with the best meats, fish and cakes.” “Who may I ask, prepared the meat?” asked the Rabbi.“Our finest chef, Elijah Manoshevksy.” ”And who is the Mashgiach?”“Why, God himself,” replied the angel.“Thanks very much,” said the Rabbi, “but I’ll just stick with the fish.”We Jews have been known to be determined and independent when it comes to beliefs, traditions, and making sure everything is “kosher.” What can we say – we take our kosher food seriously. There’s nothing non kosher about that.Eye Chart & MoreWhen Izydor Epstein from Poland applied for an American driver's license he was asked to read the eye chart. The clerk pointed to the first line with the letters “P O W Z Y N S K E Y.”

“Now sir,” said the clerk. \"Can you read this?\"\"Read it?\" replied Izydor, \"the man used to be my next-door neighbor!”Simple, yet funny, in a few lines, we’ve told the world about our complex roots. And while it’s possible his neighbor (God forbid) is now calling himself “Polson” it reminds us of where we’ve been.Is It My Business?Mendel was on a ship emigrating from Russia to America. The second day, a huge storm erupted. People screamed and chairs went flying. Yet Mendel calmly read his book.“Mendel!” yelled a fellow passenger. “How can you sit there when the ship may be sinking?!” “What’s to get excited?” answered Mendel. “The ship belongs to me?”Another joke only We Jews would understand, after years of the Diaspora, caring for ourselves in the face of prejudice, we’ve learned, like the saying: “Is it good for the Jews?” Or me?Jewish ParentsSheld’n visited mama and papa. He said: “Finally, I’ve found my bashert. Just for fun, I'm going to bring over three women and you guess which is “the one.” Mama and Papa agreed.The next day he brought three beautiful women who sat on the sofa and chatted with Mama and Papa over a little cake. After they left, he challenged, \"Okay, Guess which one I'm going to marry?\"“The one in the middle with the red hair,” his parents replied instantly. \"Right! But ... how did you know?\" asked Sheld’n, amazed.Mama said, \"Simple. Her, we don't like.\"I’ve had controversial reactions on this one from at least one rebbetzin I know. Is it anti- feminist? Oh yeah. Is it funny? Oh yeah. I admit it works the stereotype of Jewish parents and children, but to my thinking, humor has few boundaries … and this, to me, this is still funny.A Classic: Strictly Jewish!During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands and knees, forehead to floor, he said, \"Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”The Cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, \"Oh God, before thee I am nothing.\"

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to floor and he too, said \"Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”With this, the Cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: \"Look who thinks he's nothing!\"We Jews have been known to make fun of our special “types.” This joke makes fun of “alrightniks,” and is a classic.By all means if you have a favorite, post and share!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Funniest-Jewish-Jokes-Ever-Calendar-2014.htmlTh ueFnni te s- J ew i s h - J o k e s - E v e rCal enda r2 0 1 4Nov 30, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyA few of my favorite Jewish jokes for 2014.As we celebrate Hanukkah what better way to enjoy than with humor? Are these funnier in 2014, than 2013? Of course! With each passing year, we laugh moreSo once again, I’ve written a Jewish humor calendar, available on Amazon, plus other online outlets, and even bookstores, if you can find one. For you, my dear readers and friends here is a sampling from The Funniest Jewish Jokes Ever Calendar 2014. To read it all, or bring as a gift in exchange for a latke buffet.INTRODUCTIONEve tenderly turns to Adam and asks: \"But, do you really love me?\"In over 20 years of writing Jewish humor, I think I’ve heard every single Jewish joke every told, written, and repeated in books, online, from records (those round vinyl things), and from comedians. I’ve evenmade up a few (hundred) myself.On such Jewish Joke overload, you can imagine how long it takes to choose between thousand I’ve heard and used. Yet, among the tens of thousands, there are some that still make me slap my good knee (a hard find these days).So for you, dear readers, I bring you these special quintessentially Jewish jokes.Vell, Nu?

Adam and Eve are sitting in the Garden of Eden, holding hands and watching a beautiful sunset. As a soft breeze gently sweeps over them, Eve tenderly turns to Adam and asks: \"But, do you really love me?\"To which Adam replies, \"Who else?\"The SecretYeshiva University decides to create a crew team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Every day, they practice for hours and hours but always come in dead last. Finally they send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team.Yankel shleps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes off the Charles River from where he secretly watches the Harvard team practice. After two days, he returns, satisfied.“I figured out how they do it,” says Yankel to his eager teammates. “They have eight fellowsrowing and only one fellow screaming!”Conversion?A priest, a preacher and a rabbi meet regularly. All agree that preaching isn't that hard. A challenge would be to preach to a bear. So they go into the woods, find a bear, preach, and attempt to convert it. Afterwards, they compare notes.Father Flannery, arm in a sling, says, \"I read to my bear from the Catechism. Well, that bear was tough. I sprinkled him with holy water, and Sunday he’s taking his first communion.\"Reverend Jones, in a wheelchair says, “I read to the bear from God's Holy Word! But he wrestled me near a creek. I baptized him. We spent the day praising Jesus.\"They both look at the rabbi in a full body cast. “Oy. Looking back, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.\"The LessonDavid receives a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah. This parrot had one bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tries to teach him manners, but the bird just gets ruder and cruder.Desperate, David puts him in the freezer to cool off. He hears squawking, then quiet. Frightened, David quickly opens the freezer.The parrot calmly walks out and says: \"I'm sorry I offended you, Master David. I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior.” Before David can ask about this astounding change, the parrot continues: \"Sir ... may I ask what the Empire chicken did?\"By HIM, He’s a DoctorDr. Siegel dies and goes to heaven. He informs the admitting Angel of his status. “Where are the best quarters here?”

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.“Everyone’s equal,” says the Angel. The doctor harrumphs, but could eat a little something. The Angel directs him to the end of a long cafeteria line.“I’m a Doctor, I don’t wait in long lines!”Again: “Everyone’s equal here. You must wait your turn.”Siegel then sees a white-haired man with a lab coat and stethoscope walk to the front of the line! Very upset, he runs to the Angel. “That doctor just cut in front!”“Oy, calm down, Siegel,” says the Angel. That's no Doctor. That's God. He's just playing doctor!”The SolutionAt a concert in Israel, Malke, the lead singer of Israel’s most famous Jewish rap group, asks the audience for quiet. When not a sound could be heard from the massive crowd, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, \"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.\"A voice from the front of the audience yells out ...\"Nu so stop clapping!\"–The Funniest Jewish Jokes Ever Calendar 2014 is dedicated in loving memory to my husband, Ian T. Macauley, and my beloved cousin, Lois Fern Jaffe.

https://www.aish.com/j/f/The_Gentle_Art_of_Condolences.htmlThe Gentle Art of CondolencesJun 16, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyJ ew lar oiu swr erit M ar en iMa acu ley gr e e orivsf t h elosso fher eblov d heu s b a n d , and thanks those who have comforted her.Editor’s note: Jewlarious is of course aish.com’s Jewish humor, arts and entertainment section, and while this article fits into none of those categories, it is written by our dear friend and writer Marnie Macauley about the loss of her husband. Because she has such a strong following on our site, we felt it important to share this piece with you.As some of you know, my husband of 33 years, Ian T. Macauley died in my arms on June 3, after suffering a stroke ten months ago.Judaism is exceptionally wise in the handling of grief. Our religion understands withrachmones (mercy , the need for support, for people, for mourning. And, for God.)Sadly we knew few people in this crazy town of Las Vegas, so our Simon and I are pretty much on our own.I miss the platters (especially the lox salty). –I miss the company, the diversion.I miss Ian. He’d be so ticked off that he won’t be able to follow the presidential election, taking notes on reportorial errors, and screaming at the TV. (he was a lifelong old guard news editor).So, in grief, we Jews do special things, but turn as well to what we’ve always done. I’m a writer. I write. I’m a clinician. I heal – well, others.As a therapist, I’ve always felt that in addition to our spiritual and religious beliefs, there are human issues. And that, despite all the psychobabble, we grieve differently, in our own way, in our own time. And that must be understood, and respected.

For example … while at vigil by his side, I took a few breaks outdoors, needing to feel the sun on my face … the promise of a new day. I knew I had entered the hospital as a wife … and would be leaving as a widow.Most loathe the word “widow.” I am not a spider.I’ve spoken to many friends whose mates have died, and it seems we feel the same way. Most loathe the word. “Widow.” Widows are spiders, black widows, Queen Victoria in perpetual black, shroudedmourning. A dear cousin told me simply: “We’re not widows. We are/were wives. And that shall always be – us.”This helped.So I write … I can’t yet write of the 10 months of horror, politics, lousy medicine, and lost/afraid friends, but also of new remarkable ones. But I can talk of what helps and what doesn’t – at least to most of us, and especially this quirky “widow.”All texts, emails, and letters have been so welcome. All were meant with good intent, but some were more helpful … and others less so.Phrases Said with Love that Should Probably be Re-thought–“If only he’d exercised, ate healthy, and taken better care of himself.” As a clinician, I recognize the anger, frustration, and self-fear in these words, and forgive. As a “widow” –shut up. “What ifs” are meant to move the living forward, not to guilt the grieving over what can’t be and won’t be.“Why didn’t you: a) give him 10,000 units of Vitamin C; b) treat him with canned asparagus;c) go to the alternative doctor I recommended four months ago?” What can you say? “Because I’m a lousy wife who denied him ‘cures’-by-idiots?”“We saw the signs. If he’d come to us two weeks earlier, we could have done something.” And you kept quiet? Write a paper for the AMA on clues, and how not to alert the spouse of the sick and dying.“You knew it was coming. You were at least prepared.” Not really. I kept the light on near the phone, killing myself to grab it. Even in the inevitable, an irrational ray of hope remains within us.You made it through the horror, now you’re free … run like the wind.” Or, from the less poetic, “Get right up on that horse again.” Walking, running, horses? What am I a jockey? We’re working on breathing from one moment to the next, not Nikes and saddles.“At least he’s no longer suffering and at peace in a better place.” Is he? I pray so. But a better place to us was with us. Life was always “I” and “M” and “S.” Now there’s no “I” –

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.and no scorecard for death of a partner, a father, a cheerleader of 33 years. We have to learn how to write Chapter Two.Phrases That Help“As said above, “You're not a widow … you are, and always will be a wife.” “He leaves behind a powerful legacy and made a difference.”“I was privileged to know and work with him.”“Take each day at a time — slowly.” (From a widow.) “What an amazing love you shared.”“The older we get the more we realize we don't know. We're grateful every day for what we have and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hold your son, Simon, close and hold yourself as well. As you start the next chapter of your life, deep breaths, one foot in front of the next.” A realistic wish, with accounting, and hope.And finally … “How can I/we help?”Yes, we all grieve uniquely. For this “widow,” the most helpful words aren’t those describing what could’ve, should’ve, might’ve been, but what was and will always be.As a writer and editor, my husband would agree. I don’t make “saints” of we humans – even after death. No. I reach for the best of truth, balance, and peace among the living; those who knew and loved him; those whose lives he informed, and thereby enriched.And the most helpful messages are those that simply acknowledge these thoughts, and allow the living, with apologies to Dylan Thomas, “to go gently into that next good day.”Dedicated to the ever-lasting memory of my husband, Ian T. Macauley, father, grandfather, and brilliant journalist.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Gift-of-Kvetch-III.htmlThe Gift of Kvetch IIIApr 1, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyConfessions from a creative kvetcher…Okay, I admit it! I’m still sold on the Positive Value of Kvetching, a trait We Jews have used with great success for over 3500 years. I’ve no doubt that “letting it out” has kept us sane, and contributed vastly to our sense of humor.Need proof? From just one little kvetch, sitcoms get syndicated, and funny films earn more than the GNP of Kazakhstan. Would Seinfeld, Frasier, or Everybody Loves Raymond get past the pilot without the “Kvetch Factor?”-There are a few rules in The Art of the Kvetch.Now, there are a few rules in The Art of the Kvetch.First, if you have a partner, pick a KT (Kvetch Time). Face it … you and I know that the scattered constant , kvetch lands either like: a) a piece lemon in youreye; b) an extra poppy seed on your challah. So stop with the scattering which will only annoy, or they wouldn’t listen anyway. Better to pick a time when your partner agrees to get “kvetched!” Simply say: “Darling, can I kvetch from 6pm to 6:15?” (If you live alone, do what you want.)Next, keep it tight. “Oy, that dry cleaner ruined my best blouse. When I asked for compensation, I got bupkes!! It’s on the receipt in fine print “Shmuklers Cleaning: not responsible for damage.” What chutzpah!” Now, this is a good, worthy kvetch with a point! Plus it can be said in under 15 minutes. Had this same woman, also added: “It was your mother’s brisket that caused the stain!” she’d have gone into OK (Over-Kvetching)! Save his mother for tomorrow night!Each of us has our very own style and list of personal “kvetchables.” Not all of mine are yours and vice versa. That said, I’ve created another list of more personal kvetches, which may or may not be yours. But do feel free to vent!FIVE MORE OF MY FAVORITE KVETCHABLESFusion Confusion

“Matzo Poi?” “Tsimmes Taco?” --When was the last time you heard a person say: “Oy, I’m dying for a Kung pao-Knish?”(And that includes women pregnant with their fifth child.) Yet, millions of humans are racing to “Fuse.” Why? Because, like the horrid chipotle and pesto, it’s “trendy” and makes even the biggest yutz feel like a food maven. Feh to Fusion! If I feel like “gefilte,” I don’t want it “Thai ed” up.” And for the record, -We Jews created sensible fusion years ago: we call it “leftovers.”Oy Vey PJHalevai! We can now wear our PJs anywhere, from shlepping to the market or on the red carpet! You can sleep in pajama jeans, then dash to a meeting without the aggravation of actually changing. Is this a nifty fashion trend or what? “The Lazy Shmatte.” (The perfect one- size fits no one product makes even the models look like shlumps.) Could this be a slippery slope? Today Pajama jeans, tomorrow … “Just step out of a shower and Go! In our Indoor- Outdoor … Travel Towel.” Personally I prefer Elaine’s (Seinfeld) Urban Sombrero!Remedy & RedressCOMMERCIAL: PICTURE OF HAPPY COUPLE DANCING THROUGH THE FLOWERS RASH–FREE. SWEET LADY, VOICE SAYING: “Having a rash is heart-breaking. Even a tiny rash can make you feel irritable, itchy, and embarrassed. There’s no need to suffer in silent agony. Talk to your doctor about “Tenera!” -- the one-stop cure for rashes.” Then, the drug company will issue “Warnings” written for Oompa Loopas that scroll faster than the roadrunner.“Tenera” is not for everyone. May cause chest pain, stroke, liver failure, depression, suicide, sudden heart attack and birth defects in unborn male children. Hives and psoriasis have also been reported.NEXT COMMERICIAL: MALE ANNOUNCER, DEADPAN VOICE SAYING:“Have you or a loved one suffered: stroke, liver failure, depression, suicide, sudden heart attack and birth defects in unborn male children after taking “Tenara?” Call us! The Sue A. Lot Law Group and we may get you the compensation you deserve.”Of course they all fail to mention the happy couple got the rash from dancing in poison ivy in the first place.I’ve yet to meet a person who is leaving from Gate 1A.Gate-r AidMy personal kvetch list for airports runs into payload weight. So, following my rule not to “okay” you, I’ve settled on one that even predates Terrorist Security: Gates! No matter where I’m going, it’s always from Gate 57B, which is usually in a neighboring City. I’ve yet to meet a

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.person who is leaving from Gate 1A. That’s because there are no Gates 1-56. Just signs to two busses, three 100 feet escalators, and a tram. I’m sure this is a massive plot to amuse bored airline employees: “Hey Artie … she thinks it’s the first gate. C’mere and look at her running.She tripped on the moving ramp! Now her bag spilled! Alice, JimBib, Charlmaine … quick, bring the pizza!” They’re so hysterical watching us shlep on State of the Art Security screens, they’re too busy to build State of the Art gates within 10 miles of the ticket counter.T’s & Z’s:First it was those hideous Bumper Stickers, e.g.: “I’m a Harvard Mom,” “Staten Island is for Lovers,” “I’m Such a Diva!” “Free Tibet,” and the imponderable, “Got Milk?” Hmmm. What can we call people who need to billboard themselves on their rear? Now, I have to read a person! All of a sudden everyone’s wearing “themselves” on their T shirts: “The Voices ‘R Back,” -“Zombie Hunter,” “I Wonder What It’s Like to be a Cheese.” Is this clever or what? Now I have two things to kvetch over:1. Having to schlep out my reading glasses, and2. Pretend these snoozers should write for Jon Stewart.Have a favorite Kvetchable? Share mamalas! It’s kvetchably healthy!

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Gift-of-Kvetch.htmlThe Gift of KvetchNov 24, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyKvetching is a necessary part of life! Here’s why…The other day while shopping, I was “heeled,” big time, by the cart behind me driven at NASCAR speed by some 20-year-old with a T-shirt that read “CONTRACT KILLER.” Apparently he’s always on duty – even while grocery shopping.We’re all clogged with oy veys.It gets worse. While tending to my severely shredded heels, my cart accidentally plowed through a four foot high pyramid of creamed corn,sending cans flying from the bakery to the produce aisle. The manager kvetched (“Oh great! Now I gotta pick up this mess!”), the customers rolling in creamed corn kvetched (“Hey! I could’ve killed myself!”), and kvetched (“How dare you let lunatics drive in here!”) One who I didn’t kvetch was the Contract Killer who ran out, no doubt intent upon perfecting death-by- shopping cart.In the midst of all the rolling and kvetching, a retro lady in a long shmatte imperiously approached me with: “Chill.”After wondering if my State had the death penalty, I realized that little Miss Chill is way off base. Kvetching is a necessary part of life. I would argue that we actually need to kvetch.Here’s why.Shmutz Removal: Face it. We’re all clogged with oy veys, “who needs this?” and “You’re all shmegegges.” Should we attempt to hold in all that fury, like shredded wheat caught under our gums, it can lead to dire consequences. We Jews would puff up like psychotic blowfish with gas. I also suspect that more than half the people on America’s Most Wanted were taught early to say: “No one likes a sad sack,” or “It is what it is,” when nebuch, their parakeets knocked against a faux wall sculpture and had to be put to sleep. Kvetching is like a mental enema. It allows us to healthily vent, clean out, then start anew with no nasty rage hangovers or –grepsing.

Creative Socializing or If You’re Kvetching and You Know it, Clap your Hands: If we’re older than the mutant meatloaf in my freezer, we know that life is filled with a few big joys and a million daily oys. While We Jews are stoic when handling the Big Things such as rescuing people from a terrorist nation, it’s the little things that make our daily lives one big meshuggoss: waxy carpet stains because little Shmooie had to blow out his Birthday candles like the Hulk, uncooperative curtain rods that give us concussions, or our husband’s insistence he knows a secret short cut from New York to Miami through Idaho. By letting out a robust –“Oy Vey! Would you believe … !” in the hair salon, gym, or elevator, you’ll suddenly hear from strangers, “You too?! MINE dreams of going to outer space – as a pilot, yet! He can’t find the Tums if they’re behind the Q-Tips, but Venus he thinks he’ll find! And another thing …” See?In five minutes we’ve made 10 BFFs, and given them the gift of the kvetch.I gave these strangers the gift of the kvetch.I’m OK, You’re Not: True, it may cause a hiccup in our Book of Good Deeds, but face it, other people’s kvetches, while they can’t take away our own, can be … inspiring. Of course we don’t wish evil eyesupon them but hearing other kvetches makes ours a little more bearable. If say, we’re kvetching about a piece of dirt in our raisin bread while our new elevator BFF is complaining because her 30-year-old son flunked HU (Hamburger University), who doesn’t think “Oy, I’d rather eat dirt.” Of course, in serious cases, you may evoke enough genuine sympathy to write her nudnik a recommendation, which we all know is a mitzvah, thereby canceling out our misdeed.Catastrophe Avoidance: \"With those grades, you need to go out tonight like a hole in the head.” A cruise to Alaska for a honeymoon?! What? Nightmares, I’m having.” “Oy, why don’t you button your neck, Irving, it’s 40 degrees outside!” “At first glance these may seem like nudjing, annoying, interfering kvetches, however … you would be wrong. I ask you, if your little David went out, it could be he’ll fail his math test, which means he, too, will go to HU, instead of Harvard. As for your daughter’s honeymoon? What? They never heard from glaciers, never mind brides who routinely “disappear” on boats? And should your Irving fail to button up, pneumonia a possibility, so why risk it? See? A good kvetch can be is cautionary!Finally …We’ve Got a Right! Yes. According to the U.S. Constitution we’re entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Show me one person who, after 10 years of “pursuing” an acting career and is still playing extras on The Young & Restless, who’s “happy.” He or she is,however, busily constitutionally “pursuing.” Trust me. Alan Dershowitz will not defend you

Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.because you lost the role of Yente in the Secaucus revival of “Fiddler.” He will however, defend your constitutional right to kvetch: “That vilda chaya hack only got the job through her Uncle – Steven Speilberg!” in a crowded place.This being said, of course you can’t kvetch to all of the people all of the time! The expert kvetcher chooses her/his target and issues wisely. Timing is also crucial. We need to balance the kvetch so that it’s long enough to get results, yet short enough so they won’t run from you. Five minutes per kvetch is about right (unless you’re on the line with a telemarketer from Inidia).I also suggest kvetches be balanced with optimism and positive reinforcement. For example, say to your Irving: “See darling … ? You buttoned up and didn’t get pneumonia?! I’m so proud.”As for me and the supermarket? They agreed to post a cart speed limit, and for the express lane ragers their sign now says: “ABOUT 15 items.”Now that’s what I call KPSC or Kvetching for Positive Social Change.

https://www.aish.com/j/fs/The-Gift-of-Kvetch-Part-II.htmlThe Gift of Kvetch: Part IIDec 15, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyConfessions from a creative kvetcher.In Part One, we talked about the Positive Value of Kvetching. For over 3500 years, We Jews have perfected the art, which is not only how we’ve remained sane when Cossacks were chasing us, but is also the reason there are more Jewish shrinks than Jewish serial killers (David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, was adopted.)Each of us has our very own list of personal “kvetchables.”In fact, if you look at the number of famous Jewish shrinks -- Freud, Adler, Fromm, for example, what did they do? They turned kvetching into a profession: “Lie on the couch and tell me yourtsouris. I’ll not only listen, I won’t say a word. That’ll be $500.” Of course we Jewish mothers not only do it for free, we’d pay people to take up residence on the sofa … provided they take their shoes off.Each of us has our very own style and list of personal “kvetchables.” Not all of mine are yours and vice versa. I’ve been known to have a few quirks, for example … the banana. After bunching around for years, mushy and juiceless with strings, it still doesn’t know what it wants to be; a fact I find unsettling. A fruit? Vegetable? Mucous? I’ll prove it. Show me one person whoever said, “Oy, I’m dying for a refreshing banana!”Fruit in general scares me. Who among us hasn’t sunk our teeth into a nectarine, only to have our eyebrows stand up at right angles? I figure there are enough sour surprises and mysteries in life. Do I need this from a nectarine? (I know -- Quirky.)That said, I’ve created a list of some of my other eccentric kvetchables, for example, waiting for a real human on the phone who speaks a language other than Kurdish, figuring out your “package” Internet bill, getting that “glue factory” look when you ask anyone under 40 why your computer, phone, and TV are exploding. These things deserve a good whine, complaint, and of course, our very best Yiddish curses.FOUR OF MY MORE ECCENTRIC KVETCHABLES

Forks, The New Socks: No matter how many forks I buy, I always seem to have two. Like the famous escaping socks in dryers, dishwashers have joined the union. I put 10 forks in and get two back. My dishwasher handles 200 mismatched spoons and knives, no problem. But my forks? They’ve either tined their way to liberty through the sewer system, or are being sold at a garage sale in Brooklyn.TP TumultWhenever I need a mattress, I kvetch and pooh on the ad people. There’s “firm,” “firmer,” “super firm,” “ultra firm.” Do I know the difference? Do you? How about a little “truth in labeling?” I finally learned the very hard way that “firm” means “better you should put two chairs together and hire a chiropractor.” “Firmer?” They’ll throw in an Army mat.” “Super firm?” You might not need a neck brace. “Ultra firm?” Instead of wasting gelt on a chiropractor, buy their “Magic Mattress Pad ‘n Pillow” by phoning the number on their infomercial. Well, imagine my kvetch when the most intimate of items TP (toilet paper) went –the way of the mattress. One famous company now offers: “Basic,” “Double Basic,” and “Ultra Strong.”. I’ll refrain from “defining” Basic but Styrofoam and sandpaper comes to mind. Stick with the Double Basic … unless it means you get twice the Styrofoam.Smart Phones, iPads, and other impolite “I” am not looking where I’m going gadgets; Walk anywhere, and you’ll see a sea of humanoids communing with their palms. During job interviews they’re playing Who Wants to be A Millionaire? If they looked up at the recruiter they might actually get to play “Who Wants to be Employed?” Not only is your kidney operation back-burnered to palms busily winning Angry Birds, but the “palmers” walk like hunchbacks, narrowly avoiding 18-wheelers. I’m telling you, if you looked in Hoover Dam, you’d find 100 floating JYA’s (Jewish Young Adults) staring at their wrinkled palms trying to access MapQuest.Fa-Pesto & Other Famished FoodsPesto is a kvetchie pest. Let’s be honest. Does anyone really pine for a sauce that looks and tastes like acne ointment? Then there’s “chipotle.” I refuse to eat something I have no clue: a) how to pronounce (what? “Chipottel,” “chipotley?”), b) about what it – or why it’s invaded is our nation like the kvetching Kardashians. Then of course there’s the most infamous lying food – “White chocolate.” Except for a hint of cocoa butter, this is to chocolate like Manischewitz is to Ripple. Worse, one sickeningly sweet bite, and you risk either diabetes or dissolving a tooth. Yet, The Iron Chef has the chutzpah to put it next to the so-good bittersweet and milk as their “Mystery food!” I ask you, what hope do we have for a world that lies about chocolate? (I know, I’m kvetching.)Have a favorite Kvetchable? Share mamalas! It’s kvetchably healthy!