Contents 5 Questions Not to Ask a Prospective Jewish Boss.................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 10 5 Things Jews Shouldn’t Do at the Offi ce Holiday Party ...................................................................................................................................................................................................... 14 7 Habits of Highly Effective Jews: Covey-ish vs. Jewish ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 17 10 Ways You Can Tell If Non-Jews Have Been Hanging Out with Jews .................................................................................................................................................................................... 20 A Brief History of Challah ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 23 A Celebration of Seltzer ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 27 Even more … ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 29 A Nice Jewish Boy ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 30 A Salute to Chicken Soup .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 33 A Writer’s Life .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 36 We Writers Often … .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 37 Abraham Lincoln and the Jews ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 39 Adultalescence ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 42 Advice from a Meshuggah Jewish Mom to Her Grown Son ................................................................................................................................................................................................ 45 Advice from a Meshuggah Mom, Part 2 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 48 Advice from a Meshuggah Mom .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 51 Advising Guys on Buying Gifts ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 55 Anger Management in Marriage ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 58 Are Jewish Stereotypes Funny? Part 2 .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 62 It's Not Just Us................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 63 We Set the Mold ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 64 Are Jewish Stereotypes Funny? Part 3 .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 65 As The Tsouris Turns ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 70 Bad Reasons for Not Moving to Israel .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 74 Boomerangs ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 77 Moving Day: ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 78 The Following Day: .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 78 Organization: ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 78 Advanced Annoyance: .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 79 British vs. Yiddish .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 81 Carl Reiner: Remembering a Comedy Legend ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 85 Celebrities on their Jewish Mothers ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 89 Clipping Internet Coupons............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 92 Coming to Terms with Your Parents .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 96 Committed .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 99 Confessions of a Clutterphile.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 102 Confessions of a Jewish Bargain Hunter ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 106 Confessions of a Jewish Food Hoarder ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 109 Crash Course in Texting for Parents ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 112 Lesson 2: Typical Examples for use in Texting “Them,” The Kinder............................................................................................................................................................................ 113 Lesson 3: “Your General Codes” With your JYAs (Jewish Young Adults) ................................................................................................................................................................... 114 Lesson 4: “Your Codes with Friends and Adult Family .................................................................................................................................................................................................... 115 Crash Course in Yiddish Texting, Part II .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 117 Crash Course in Yiddish Texting ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 121 Dating Advice from a Meshuggah Jewish Mom .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 124 Did Jew Know? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 127 Famous Firsts: Ball (and Boychick) One! ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 127 Yippie-ai-oy: Father of the Cowboy Film -- And Jewish. ................................................................................................................................................................................................ 128 Pontiac Saves A Crafty Meshuggenah .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 128 Have an Eggroll, Mr. Two-gun ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 128 By an Emperor, He's No Emperor ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 128 For You Sports Fan ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 129 Did Jew Know? ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 129 Don’t Ask Jewish Boomers This! ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 130 Don’t Ask Non-Jews This, Part 2 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 133 Don’t Ask Non-Jews This: Part I ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 136
Don’t Ask the In-Laws This .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 139 Don’t Ask Your Children This ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 142 Don’t Ask Your Elderly Parent This! ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 145 Don’t Ask Your JYA’S This ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 148 Don't Ask a Jewish Allergic Person This! ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 151 Don't Ask Your Date This ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 154 Don't Ask Your Spouse This ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 157 Don’t Ask Your Wife This: ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 158 Election Top Tens ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 160 TOP 10 PRIORITIES FOR A YIDDISHE FIRST LADY ............................................................................................................................................................................................................ 161 TOP 10 ITEMS IN A JEWISH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL .................................................................................................................................................................. 161 English Words that Sound Yiddish II ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 163 English Words that Sound Yiddish ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 167 “Satchel” ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 168 \"Far-fetched\" ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 168 “Svelte” .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 168 “Squeamish” .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 169 “Flunk” ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 169 “Doily” ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 169 “Far flung” ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 169 “Kindle”.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 169 “Mangle” ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 169 “Lentil” ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 170 Fall - The Most Wonderful Time of the Year ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 171 Famous Jews and Their Pen Pals .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 174 Fascinating Jewish Fathers and Sons .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 179 Father Labor ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 183 Fauxpologies: When Anti-Semites Apologize .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 187 Fighting Fair: Jews vs. Non-Jews .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 191 Finding Beauty in Tragedy ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 194 Funniest Jokes about Jewish Fathers .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 198 Gefilte Tank ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 203 Gefilte Tank: Part Two .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 207 Gentile Guilt Vs. Jewish Guilt II .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 211 Gentile Guilt Vs. Jewish Guilt ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 215 Gotcha! .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 218 Goyish vs. Jewish is Back ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 222 Goyish Vs. Jewish, Part 2 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 227 Goyish Vs. Jewish, Part 3 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 230 Hail the Mighty Caesar ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 234 “Hair” Apparent ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 238 Half Genius, Half Jerk ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 241 Have you Heard the One About… ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 245 Get it! You’re Jewish! .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 246 Indiana Jones They Aren’t .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 246 The “Compleat” Worrier ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 247 God, You Forgot Something … ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 247 The Lesson ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 247 Holocaust FAQs .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 249 How Jews Eat Out................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 260 How Jews Get Their Kids into College ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 264 How Jews Show Children They Really Care ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 267 How to Praise Your Children....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 270 How You Know You've Been Jewelled ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 274 I Am ssurI ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 277 If Christmas Songs were Written about Hanukkah .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 281 If Were a Rich WomanI .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 285 It's the Little Things .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 288
Jackie Mason & Me .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 291 Jew Year’s Resolutions ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 295 Jew Year’s Resolutions? ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 298 Jewcrastination ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 301 Jewfro Diaries ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 304 Jewish Celebrities who Served in World War II ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 308 Jewish Empty Nesters ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 312 Jewish Feng Shui ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 315 Jewish Firsts 2 ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 318 Jewish Firsts.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 322 Jewish Legal Dictionary: Jewish Vs. Not Jewish ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 326 Jewish Mothers in the Holocaust ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 330 Maternal Protection ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 332 Jewish Mothers Who Helped Build America ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 333 Jewish Paraprosdokians 2 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 337 Jewish Paraprosdokians................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 341 Jewish Royalty: The “Middlesteins?” ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 345 Jewish Traffi c Signs .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 348 Jewish Vs. Goyish.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 352 Jewkbox: Jewish Musicians who Changed Rock Music ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... 354 Jewpers .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 357 Je w - P e r st ti ions ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 360 JEWPOWERS ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 363 Jews and July 4th ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 367 Jews and U.S. Independence Day ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 371 Jews Love Questions .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 376 Jewstalgia .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 381 Jewstalgia: Part 2 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 385 Jewstalgia: Part 3 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 389 JMAs: Jewish Mother Agents ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 393 Joan Rivers: Trailblazer & Israel Supporter ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 396 Jokes about Jewish Daughters and Their Parents ................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 399 Jokes about Jewish Sons and Parents ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 403 Jumping the Gefilte ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 407 Junk Cheer .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 410 Kronk’s List: The Jewish Craigslist ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 413 Like Totally Awesome .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 416 Little-known facts about The Third Reich ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 420 General Patton’s Myth? ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 421 Berlin’s Jewish Hospital Survived ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 421 Odd Alliances: The Fuhrer’s Doctor ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 421 The Strange Case of Abraham Reuel, a.k.a. Ex-Nazi, Karl Heinz Schneider............................................................................................................................................................. 421 Himmler’s “Magician” .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 422 Lubavitcher rebbe Saved by German Officers .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 422 The SS Man and The Jew ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 422 ManSpeak Vs. WomanSpeak 2 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 424 ManSpeak Vs. WomanSpeak ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 428 Marilyn Michaels: Jewish Show Biz Royalty ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 431 Marnie’s Guide to Hypochondria .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 435 Marnie’s Guide to Unique Jewish Diseases II ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 438 Marnie’s Guide to Unique Jewish Diseases .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 442 Mary Tyler Moore’s Jewish Characters ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 445 Memories? ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 448 More Advice from a Meshuggah Jewish Mom ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 452 More Jewish Traffi c Signs .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 455 Movin' On Up? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 459 Murphosky's Law ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 463 My “Farflucket” List ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 465
My 15 Minutes .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 468 Mishaps ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 469 It’s a Wrap ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 470 Time to Focus (Group) ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 470 My Canadian Jewish Dad .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 471 My Son, The Genius ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 474 New Jewish Superheroes ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 477 New Plagues for Passover ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 480 New Yiddish for Millennials ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 483 New Yinglish Words You Didn’t Know You Needed ............................................................................................................................................................................................................ 488 NORDISH VS. JEWISH ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 492 One on One with Barbie ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 496 Perfection vs. Good Enough ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 499 PunimBook: Facebook for Jews ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 502 Purim Around the World................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 506 Raising Different Drummers ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 509 Really Bad Jewish deas ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 512 IRobin Williams: A Tribute .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 515 Sean Penn & Other Heroes ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 520 Seven Things You Didn’t Know about Matzah ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 523 Shakespearowitz? .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 526 Shirley-Isms: Remembering my Mother ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 530 Stage Mom ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 533 Stars of David: Ben Hecht ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 538 Stars of David: David Mamet ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 545 Stars of David: Dennis Miller ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 549 Stars of David: Frank Sinatra ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 554 Stars of David: Gertrude Berg ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 558 Stars of David: Jerry Weintraub .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 562 Stars of David: Rupert Murdoch ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 567 Stars of David: Sandy Koufax ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 572 Stars of David: Stanley Kramer ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 576 SuperJews ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 581 THE FLINGING AND FLYING CONTINUES ... ................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 582 MARVEL-US ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 583 OUT OF THE COMIC CLOSET ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 583 Superman: The Mensch of Steel .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 585 Sylvia: 3000-Year-Old Bubbe ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 589 The 6 Funniest Shadchan Jokes .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 592 The 10 Funniest “Yiddishe Kop” Jokes ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 596 The 2010 Jewish Guinness World Records ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 601 The 3000 Year Old Jewish Woman, Part 3............................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 605 The 3000 Year Old Jewish Woman .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 609 THE 3000 Year Old Jewish Woman: Part Two ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 613 The Abbreviated Dictionary of “Nu” ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 616 The Abbreviated Dictionary of Oy ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 622 The Art of the Shmooze .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 625 SHMOOZE DO’S............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 627 The Bubbie Diaries ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 628 The Differences Between Jewish and Non-Jewish New Year’s Resolutions ............................................................................................................................................................................. 632 The Four Corners of the Earth .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 635 The Funniest Jewish Jokes, Part 3 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 638 The Funniest Jewish Jokes. Part 2 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 642 Jews Please Leave.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 643 Frum & More Frum ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 643 Eye Chart & More.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 643 Is It My Business? .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 644 Jewish Parents ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 644
A Classic: Strictly Jewish! ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 644 Th ue Fnni te s- Je w i sh - Jo k e s- E v e rCalend a r2 0 1 4 ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 646 The Gentle Art of Condolences .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 649 Phrases That Help ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 651 The Gift of Kvetch III ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 652 The Gift of Kvetch ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 655 The Gift of Kvetch: Part II ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 658 The History of Hatikvah .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 661 The Hope .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 662 The Identity Thief ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 665 The Jazz Singer, Yom Kippur & the History of Film ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 668 The Jewbees ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 672 The Jewish Boomer Driver’s Test ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 676 The Jewish Disorder Manual II ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 680 The Jewish Disorder Manual ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 683 The Jewish Father ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 686 The Jewish Food Personality Test ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 689 The Jewish Grinch ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 692 The Jewish nfomercialI .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 695 THE SMILE SIMULATOR .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 696 MIRACLE MATZO BALL MOLD ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 696 THE KVELL KARD ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 697 Th e e Jw i sh Ch-r i s tm a sConnec t io n ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 699 The Jews, Columbus and Thanksgiving ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 702 The Joys of Yiddish ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 705 The Lost Art of Letter Writing .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 709 The Manipulative Child ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 712 Parents as Manipulative Partners ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 713 Breaking the Manipulation Cycle ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 714 The Name Game .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 716 The New Jewish Calendar ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 720 The New Jewish Calendar: Part 2 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 724 The New Yiddish Dictionary II ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 727 The New Yiddish Dictionary, Part 3 ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 731 The New Yiddish Dictionary .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 734 The New Yiddish Zodiac ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 738 The Nuremburg Trials: 70 Years Later .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 741 The Politically Correct Yinglish Dictionary ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 747 The Second Time Around ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 753 The Shadchan Stories ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 756 The Shtetl Olympics ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 760 The Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry: Part 1 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 763 The Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry: Part 2 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 767 EIGHT: THROUGHOUT THE LAND THOU SHALT SEE THUGS ...................................................................................................................................................................................... 768 NINE: IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEREFORE IT (COULD, MIGHT, WILL) HAPPEN TO THOU ............................................................................................................................ 769 TEN: ASSUME THE WORST! NEVER BE CALM WHEN THOU CAN CATASTROPHIZE .......................................................................................................................................... 769 For example: .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 769 The Ultimate Yiddishe Quiz #1 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 771 The Ultimate Yiddishe Quiz #2 .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 774 The Ultimate Yiddishkeit Quiz #3 ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 777 The Untold Story of Jews and the First Thanksgiving .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 781 The Yiddish and English Quiz ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 785 The Yiddish Are Coming ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 789 The Yiddish Curse .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 793 The Yiddish Dictionary of Fools ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 796 The Yiddish Quiz of “Goodniks” ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 799 The Yiddish Quiz of Fools ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 804 Theodore Bikel: A Jewish Man for All Seasons ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 808
Three Jewish Artists ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 811 Top 9 Jewish Jokes about Fathers ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 815 Top 10 Jokes about Seniors ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 819 Top Neil Simon Quotes and Excerpts ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 823 “Truth Has Many Faces” (Yiddish proverb) ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 826 Two Odd Failed Attempts to Establish a Jewish Homeland .............................................................................................................................................................................................. 827 Under the Knife .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 831 Uri Geller, CIA Masterspy? .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 834 We Jews 6 ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 839 We Jews 13 ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 843 You Call This a Matzah Ball? ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 844 It’s the Pravda! ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 844 Hold the Pickle! .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 844 A Banner Year! ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 844 Shofar “Blows” Old World Record .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 845 West to East:-The Flying Kosher Pizza .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 845 Galloping Ida Mintz ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 845 We Jews 14: Celebrity Holocaust Heroes.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 846 Revolutionary? Dr. Ruth Westheimer .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 847 Vidal Sassoon: Fashion Icon and Fascist Fighter ............................................................................................................................................................................................................... 848 We Jews 15: British Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 850 Fascinating Jewish-London Facts ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 851 We Jews and Sukkot............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 854 We Jews IX ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 858 We Jews X ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 862 We Jews XI ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 866 We Jews, Part 3 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 870 We Jews, Part 4 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 873 We Jews: A Hanukkah Round-Up ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 877 We Jews: Israel Edition ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 880 American Jewry Responds ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 881 Fascinating Facts............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 881 Hatikva: The Hope ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 881 Hebrew: A Re-Birth ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 882 \"Dear God ...\" .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 882 Israeli Diet? ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 882 Achievements ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 883 We Jews: Latino Jews ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 885 WE JEWS: Little Known Jewish Inventions ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 889 We Jews: Medal of Honor Winners ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 892 We Jews: Memorial Day Edition ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 896 We Jews: Part 1 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 900 Hannah Senesh .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 901 Rudolph Vrba .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 901 Uri Lubrani ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 901 Andrew Goodman ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 901 Rabbi Zelig Rivkin.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 902 Dr. Liviu Librescu ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 902 We Jews: Part 2 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 903 We Jews: Part 5 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 906 We Jews: Part 7 ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 911 WE JEWS: PART 8 ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 915 We Jews: Pioneer American Jewish Mothers ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 918 We Jews: Presidential Jewish Firsts ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 921 What Jewish History Forgot ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 925 What Jewish History Forgot: Amazing Covert Rescues ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... 929 What Jewish History Forgot: Amazing Events During the High Holy Days ........................................................................................................................................................................ 933 What Jewish History Forgot: Passover Edition Vol. II ...................................................................................................................................................................................................... 936
What Jewish History Forgot: Passover Edition ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 939 What Jewish History Forgot: Three Fascinating Jewish Fathers ....................................................................................................................................................................................... 943 What Jewish History Forgot: Yom Kippur Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 946 What’s On Tap? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 950 When Children Lie ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 953 When Debra's Heart Stopped ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 957 When Siblings Fight .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 960 Why Kids Need to Fail ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 964 Would Jew Believe #38: Yom Kippur Edition .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 968 Would Jew Believe #39 ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 972 Would Jew Believe #40 ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 975 Would Jew Believe #41 ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 978 Would Jew Believe: High Holiday Edition ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 981 Would Jew Believe: Passover Edition, 2014 ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 984 Would Jew Believe: The Passover Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 987 MATZAH MENTIONABLES ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 988 PIONEER PESACH .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 988 WouldJew Believe #3........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 990 HITLER'S JEWISH PSYCHIC ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 990 HOLOCAUST AND HIP HOP ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 991 LOIN OF GIRAFFE, KOSHER? ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 991 TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE? ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 992 WouldJew Believe #4........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 993 WouldJew Believe #5........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 996 PLAY IT, MURRAY! ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 997 THE KOMISH SKIES ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 997 MATZAH CENSUS AND SENSIBILITY ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 998 IS THERE A WRITER IN THE HOUSE? ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 998 WouldJew Believe #6........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 999 A JEW, WHO NU? ... ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 999 RELATIVITY THEORIES? ... ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1000 IS THIS A JOB FOR A JEWISH GIRL? ... ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1000 WouldJew Believe #7...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1002 MASON THE MENSCH .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1003 WouldJew Believe #8...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1005 AFGHANISTAN'S LAST JEW ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1005 GIVE ‘EM SOME CHICKEN SOUP! .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1006 WouldJew Believe #9: Holiday Edition ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1008 THE CHOSEN BEER? ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1009 WouldJew Believe #10 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1011 YES, \"JEWS\" HAVE SOME BANANAS.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1012 WouldJew Believe #11 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1014 THE ART OF AFFLICTION? ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1015 SHMEGGEGE SHORTS ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1015 OY, TALK ABOUT A HEADACHE! ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1016 WouldJew Believe #12 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1017 \"POLITICAL\" PESACH? WOULDJEW NOT ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1018 SCHLEMIEL, SCHLEMAZAL... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1019 WouldJew Believe #13 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1021 BIBLE RAPS SET THE BAR ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1022 ARAB PRIZE TO A JEW? ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1022 –SHORTIE: STAMP IT KOSHER .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1023 WouldJew Believe #14 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1024 HOW GREEN ARE YOUR MITZVAHS? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1025 PSSST: DIRTY LAUNDRY? ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1026 WouldJew Believe #15 - Holiday Edition ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1027 AN AWESOME PRAYER: KOL NIDRE .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1029 WOULDJEW BELIEVE #16: Thanksgiving Edition ...................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1030
WouldJew Believe #18: New Years ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1033 WouldJew Believe #19 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1036 WOULDJEW BELIEVE #20....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1040 WouldJew Believe #21 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1043 WouldJew Believe #22: Holiday Edition ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1047 WouldJew Believe #23 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1051 WouldJew Believe #24 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1054 WouldJew Believe #25: The Purim Edition ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1057 Place/ Established Observed Event ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1059 THE PURIM PLAY'S THE THING .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1059 WACKY WACKY & MORE WACKY ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1059 WouldJew Believe #26: Passover Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1061 Jewish Seoul? ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1061 Civil War Passover Diary, 1862 ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1062 Warsaw Ghetto Heroism .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1062 Passover Prayer During The Holocaust ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1063 “Next Year in Jerusalem” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1063 WouldJew Believe #27 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1064 ONLY IN NEW YORK? ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1065 ONLY IN SAN FRANCISCO: THE “UNKINDEST” CUT? .................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1065 ON THE LIGHTER SIDE ........ A “ROSE” BY ANY OTHER NAME ............................................................................................................................................................................... 1065 WouldJew Believe #28 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1067 AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT ......... ................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1068 A GRAIN IS A GRAIN IS A GRAIN. OR IS IT? ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1069 WouldJew Believe #29 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1070 WouldJew Believe #30 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1073 THE ODDEST PEN PAL PAIRING ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1074 FROM UZIS TO SUSHI? ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1074 THE NAME GAME CONTINUES … ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1075 FAREWELL YITTA .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1075 WouldJew Believe #31 ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1076 KOSHER KAFFEINATION ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1077 \"MISS HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR” ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1078 MAZEL TOV TO ALY RAISMAN! A JEWISH OLYMPIAN ................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1078 WouldJew Believe #33 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1080 DOUBLE DUMMKOMPFS: THE KINDEST CUT, RE-VISITED .......................................................................................................................................................................................... 1081 PRESIDENT TRUMAN & THE JEWS ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1081 JEWS IN A HUFF OVER HUFF .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1081 I SCREAM YOU SCREAM … WE’LL ALL SCREAM FOR ISRAEL’S GOURMET ICE CREAM? ................................................................................................................................. 1082 WouldJew Believe #37 ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1083 WouldJew Believe 34: Hanukkah Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1086 TWICE IS NICE! ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1087 SCHMALZ! ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1087 COMET SHEDS LIGHT ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1088 AND SPEAKING OF OUTER SPACE …….. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1088 WouldJew Believe: High Holiday Edition ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1089 DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1089 TAKE A BREAK TODAY ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1089 A ROSE BY MANY OTHER NAMES ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1090 FOR YOU SPORTS FAN: DENKS GOD THEY DIDN’T PLAY! .......................................................................................................................................................................................... 1090 JEWISH NEW YEAR TIDBITS: .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1091 THE NEW YEAR IN THE WILDERNESS .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1091 WouldJew Believe: Israel Edition ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1093 WouldJew Believe: The Purim Edition ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1097 WouldJew Believe? .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1100 YIDDISHE BASEBALL CARDS ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1100 HISTORY'S SENSE OF HUMOR ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1101 IT'S A MAD MAD MAD YIDDISH ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1101
CHAI Q ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1101 STAR OF DAVID: THE POWER OF TWO TRIANGLES ...................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1102 Yiddish Curses for the New Millennium .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1103 Yiddishe Mammas ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1106 You Call that Funny? ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1110 Zachor: We Will Never Forget ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1113
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/5-Questions-Not-to-Ask-a-Prospective-Jewish-Boss.html5 Questions Not to Ask a Prospective Jewish BossNov 15, 2014by Marnie Winston-Macauley“Listen, if this interview is going on much longer, can we at least bring in a nosh?”Face it, we Jews love questions almost as much sesame bagels “mit a shmeer.” True, we also love answers – mostly when they come from us. But from years of asking, we’ve also learned a direct question might annoy a little, irritate or make other people think we’re God forbid, whiney, needy, vilda chayas. Watch mamalas.“How’s the heartburn?” “DON’T ASK!”Morris: “I’m home Esther.Esther: “So Morris, how come you didn’t ask about my heartburn?!”Morris: “Again with the heartburn? How many times do I have to ask already?!” Esther: “Wouldn’t I ask you about your heartburn?”Morris: “I have heartburn?”Esther: “Oy, would I ask if you didn’t? Oy, why do I even bother?”Do we really need this? So darlings, in 1893, We Jews invented two words I call the GF or “Guilt Flip.” Instead of the “Direct Ask,” better we should say “Don’t Ask!” right after the “So what’s new, Esther.” It’s genius. Not only can we flip the guilt; not only will MOTs (Members of the Tribe) ask already, but better, you become the brave martyr a role you deserve for all –you do anyway which in my personal opinion, is a huge notch above a whining, needy, vilda –Chaya. Compare.
Esther: “Hi Morris, darling. So how was your day?” Morris: “Eh, same as usual, and yours?”Esther: “DON’T ASK!”Morris: “The heartburn again?”Esther: “What else? But I still bent over a hot oven to make your brisket and I even made schmaltz --homemade.”Morris: “With your heartburn you even made shmaltz? Listen Darling, after dinner I’ll do the dishes, then I’ll run get the Pepto, and we’ll watch ‘Schindler’s List’ again.”See it?Warning darlings! This only works with our people. If God forbid you say “Don’t ask” to a Gentile they’ll actually think you mean it’s not their business, or they’ll miss their daughter’s graduation discussing your heartburn.Yet, face it mamalas. There are those rare times you shouldn’t ask! This we’re not good at. So, as in the past, I’m here to help, which brings us to today’s topic: Questions one should never ask a prospective Jewish boss if you want a capable career with a pension. Here’s a sampling. And God willing, may you or your kinder all become CEOs.F IV EQUES T ION SY O U S H O UL N VDE ERA S K A P R O SP CET IV E E JW IS H B OSS1.“So, Mr. Bigshot, you don’t mind that I followed you to the deli to talk about a job, right?”Darlings, this is a very bad idea. Mr. Bigshot went to the deli for a ganza corned beef sandwich and he needs you, a stranger to see him with fatty meat hanging from his mouth? More, it just might be that unlike most of us, he’s learned the definition of interrupting, especially if you pull up a chair. From this you not only won’t get uptown, you’ll be taken “downtown” and have to explain fingerprint stains to your mother. Much better to find a connection. Every Jew knows someone with a cousin whose in-laws had a neighbor who was once friends with say, Spielberg’s lawyer’s barber. Now this, mamalas, is a normal plan to get an interview with a major macher. Put mama on the case and, trust me, he’ll see you 1-2-3!2.“How fast can I move up the corporate ladder and make partner?”Listen, mamalas and learn. What few know is, there were originally twelve Commandments: The Eleventh said: “Thou shalt Hire Thy Relatives Even if Thy Are Shmendricks.” The Twelfth dealt with LORPS or “Line of Relative Promotion Succession.” Unfortunately, the last two were dropped somewhere down Mt. Sinai. So long before Trump, We Jews started nepotism. Now, even if you have an MBA from Harvard, acting like a turk makes you a jerk. Frankly, We Jews aren’t crazy about Turks –with or without Sultans. Better, when talking to Mr. Fishbein of
Fishbein’s Buttons and Bows, do your homework, darlings. Somewhere in your line there’s a Fishbein, a Fishbaum, or a Fish. Much better to say: “Fishbein! The whole Pinsk part of my family are Fishes. We could be cousins!” Boom! You’ll start in the mailroom.3-“Before we start, do you mind if I take off work on Lag b'Omer and Tu b'Shvat as I love counting and tre–es?”Darlings, ask this and you’ll be up one. He’s Jewish. He knows you’re pulling one over with the JHE or Jewish Holiday Excuse. If he doesn’t, it’s worse. Between the hemming and hawing, not only will he feel like a bad Jew for not knowing, he hasn’t even shown you a seat, and already you’re not showing up. So sha! You can however, make a few points by finding a Jewish basis. You see a photo on his desk of his daughter’s wedding, with mean wearing kippot, consider throwing in “Is this your daughter? You must get so much nakhes from her.” Even if he doesn’t, he’ll appreciate the thought. “Ai Ai Ai!”, “Mazel Tov” and “Saychel” are also good to throw in – assuming he’s over 50. For example, saying “I get such nakhes from overtime” is highly recommended.4-“Listen, if this interview is going on much longer, can we at least bring in a nosh?”Mamalas, two words: “Morty Seinfeld.” Yes. For you “Seinfeld” aficionados, who can forget when Jerry’s father, Morty, the inventor of the beltless raincoat, got a job through Elaine withJ. Peterman, the catalog King (John O’Hurley) who talks like a meshugge 40’s radio announcer on Pluto. More, at a staff meeting, Morty, over 70 and on Early Bird hours is about to chalosh. As Peterman winds up yet again, Morty, annoyed, says: “Look, if we’re going to stay here all hours of the night, can we at least get some food in here?!” It was 5:50. Shalom and goodbye, Morty. See mamalas? I call that a life lesson. Better to stick a plain bagel in your briefcase and nosh after the rejection. (Note: Leave out the lox with onions.)5-“Do you hire the glucose intolerant, people allergic to plastic, or pass out if they touch ink?”Nebuch, you’ve got a little problem. OK, a big one. Chances are the Jewish boss is familiar. His wife, daughter, brother, are afraid they’ll go into anaphylactic shock if they touch aluminum siding. He needs this at work? No. He cares? No. Your allergist’s billing department cares. On the other hand, how could it hurt to bring a note from the doctor stating you’re 100% in the pink and add you’d be willing to work in Area 51, should they need an accountant?If you feel that any of these questions may burst forth during your interview, take two rank lemons and visit me. Together, we’ll get you in tippy top shape, and if you’re hopeless, darling… we’ll call a relative.
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https://www.aish.com/j/fs/5-Things-Jews-Shouldnt-Do-at-the-Office-Holiday-Party.html5 Things Jews Shouldn’t Do at the Offi ce Holiday PartyDec 6, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyIf you can’t sing, tell jokes, don’t make the offi ce party your debut.Thanksgiving is over and it’s that time again. The holidays are upon us as is “The Office party” or “How I can make a complete yutz out of myself in three hours” – or maybe torch a career.For non-Jews, all the HO-HO-ing, lights, bells, crèches, candy canes, holly boughs, songs (written mostly by Jews) over loudspeakers bring on unbridled joy, at least until they see their Visa bill. But We Jews are happy with our eight candles, chocolate coins, potatoes, a few dreidels and Star of David key chain.Whatever you do, about don’t ask your boss about his recent paralysis with Botox;Mercifully, most of us who let loose stick to the small stuff. Our voices get a little loud, we forget the boss’s wife’s name, or slip, face down, on the faux snowflakes. That’s an “Oy.”A “Gevalt” is when you become an office legendyears after you’re gone … which could be right after the mini mushroom wreaths.For “Seinfeld” aficionados, Elaine’s “dance” at a J. Peterman office party is a “walking” disaster. She thought her co-workers, forming a circle around her were WOWed by her moves -- a combination of the Sprockets (SNL) and an insane centipede. We too are not immune. Is there anyone among us without a Tante Birdie who thinks she’s the life of the Purim party, while the guests are thinking “Oy Gevalt! Shoot me now?”
In another episode, George not only invented giving the gift of charity to “The Human Fund” to avoid spending a shekel, he made up a whole holiday: “Festivus for the Rest of Us” that his father, a lunatic, invented to fight commercialism. The customs included the “Airing of Grievances” where the guests scream insults, to “Feats of Strength” requiring wrestling, more screaming, and no doubt a stay at Mt. Sinai the hospital, where the holiday spirit will consist –of a diet of Jell-O and rice pudding. So much for Peace on Earth, which is perfect for George, whose religion, never mind his home planet, is a mystery.I confess, I’ve been guilty of yutzism at these gatherings. At Howard Stern’s agent’s party, I managed to stick a whole cheese wheel into a tiny clutch purse. Why did I do something that even a demented magician wouldn’t try? Not only was geometry never my subject, but when 20 Jewish writers are making side bets, it isn’t easy to beg off the bagging, which led me to tilt, spilling a glass of wine on the fency-dency agent. He glared at me all night like Goliath looked at David. Not great for business.So, what have we learned thus far? If you can’t sing, dance, tell jokes, don’t make the office party your debut.Here are more Office Holiday Party Don’ts, if you want to be invited to the office party nextyear – assuming you’ve still got office.5 Things Jews Shouldn’t Do at the Office Holiday Party1. Get More than a Bissel Buzzed. Mamalas, you’re Jewish. Chances are you grew up with: a) enough Manischewitz to put you in sugar shock, but not get you shikkered; b) Slivovitz for –zayde; and c) One bottle of Canadian Club that’s been locked up for 20 years for “guests”. While We Jews have been known to imbibe on festive occasions, this isn’t Purim and unless you work for Hymie Schpeilman, they’re not serving Kedem. So you, darlings, could get shnockered on something a little stronger than kosher crème de menthe or schnapps. This can lead to bizarre happenings that include starting a round of “Tradition! Tradition!” or winding up face down on a fruitcake. Revealing your inner maniac is not a strategy for “How to Succeed in Business while Really Trying.” Redemption isn’t easy once you do the Hora with yourself in front of machers.2. Debate the Mystery of Hanukkah vs. How Santa Could Shlep Around the World in One Night with a Sick Reindeer. You and I know there’s no Santa. But if you work “secular” the Office Party isn’t the time to: a) ask the CEO “So nu, how come there’s only one Menorah?” b) explain you get eight presents which is better than a set of Lionel trains (invented by a Jewish boy) and Chia Heads of the Three Wise Men; c) talk about the fire hazard of houses with more red and green lights than the traffic signals in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.3- Kvetch or Gossip. True, despite no loshon hora, when warmed up, We Jews can get upclose and very personal. So, for you, my dear readers here’s a list of “Don’t Asks.” 1- about your boss’s recent paralysis with Botox; 2- the vilda Chaya in billing; 3- your chronic heartburn when under work stress; 4- about how the boss’s son is doing in the mailroom with this GED, while yours is acing “Norse Literature” at Harvard; 5- why the CEO is so cheap he gave turkeys instead of a bonus. Darlings, these “intimate” convos will travel faster than a speeding bullet landing in your boss’s memory bank. Tonight your “best pals” will become tomorrow’s enemies if you decide to get too upclose and personal.4- Bring the Uninvited. While bringing the family may prevent you from having to cook at home, the boss has shelled out for this. If you bring your wife, children and in-laws, you’re over-taking, and annoying your colleagues who, instead of shmoozing with each other are stuck in the corner foodless - with your aunt Tillie talking bunions.–5- Watch the Wackies: The list includes for example: suggesting you bring your accordion, bassoon or puppets to “entertain” in case the rap band bombs, or making a toast to the company when no one asked you. Pushing and over-hugging will also “throw you under that bus” which clearly needs a new driver, given all the accidents mentioned on reality TV.Should you blow it, apologize! Yes. Talk, e-mail, or text all those you’ve insulted. If you need to use Bccs, then mamalas, take my advice and start e-mailing resume services.
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/7-Habits-of-Highly-Effective-Jews-Covey-ish-vs-Jewish.html7 Habits of Highly Effective Jews: Covey-ish vs. JewishOct 13, 2018by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWith apologies to Stephen Covey.In 1989 Stephen Covey noticed we humans weren’t a very effective people. He wrote a book. I’ll summarize (forgive me Steve). Effectiveness is the balance of getting what you want but still caring how you get it. In other words, don’t be a bulvan (a selfish ox with no class).We Jews need to read this? We have a whole dictionary for the mensch-less from bulvan to yutz! Not that Stephen needs improvement (the man sold 25 million copies plus), but We Jews can always do a little futzing, a little adding, a little interpreting to make habits Jewsier.7 Highly Effective Habits of Jewish People (with apologies to Mr. Covey).1-Covey-ish: There’s the Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern. Work from the center of your influence to expand it. Don't sit in a reactive mode waiting for problems to happen (Circle of Concern) before taking action.Jewish-ish: Make a Circle of Catastrophe. Work from the center of your influence to expand it. Then take extreme action based upon what might, could, may happen. For example: If your mamala is 15 minutes late, either tie a digital alarm around him or call Emergency Services to check if there were any accidents involving a Chassidic school bus in your vicinity.2-Covey-ish: Envision what you want in the future. You need to act based on principles and constantly review. Are you - right now - who you want to be? What do you have to say about yourself? How do you want to be remembered? Grow and stay humble.
Jewish-ish: Envision what you want now to get to the future. You need to act based on wishes and constantly review. Am I happy? If not, how could I be happy-ish? Who/what can make me happy-ish? For example: “I could be happyish if my Eli got into Harvard in 14 years.” Work from there. “We’ll take a second mortgage send Eli to Ramat GeniusKinder pre-school.” Yes? “I’m happyisher.” But sha. Tell no one your plan. You want to be remembered as humble.3-Covey-ish: Leadership in the outside world begins with personal vision and personal leadership. Define what is important and what is urgent. Priority should be given in the following order: a) Important and Urgent; b) Important and not Urgent; c) Not Important and Urgent; d) Not Important and not Urgent.Jewish-ish: Every Jew has the personal vision he or she is a leader. Israel has 6.5 million leaders. (You go be a leader of 6.5 million leaders!) Why is this? We’ve learned that priorities should be given equally Everything . is Important and Urgent. Period. This makes us a very busy people who are geniuses at multi-visioning. After all, when you spend thousands of years running not knowing where you’re going, towing 10 children, with a house on your head, and anti-Semites on your sandals who has time to make Urgent/Important Lists? “Should we leave little Moishe behind?” “Should we not take the cow?” “My sandal strap broke!” See? “Urgent? Important? Not Important?” Even Mr. Covey would have a coronary4-Covey-ish: Value and respect people by understanding a \"win\" for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the situation had gotten their way.Jewish-ish: It’s nice to negotiate where everybody (even the yutzem) wins over the small stuff. If Rhoda, your machetaniste wants to make Sukkot and you give in and make Pesach? Excellent. Not only don’t you have to build, but most important, it makes you the better person! On more important matters it’s not about “winning” it’s about protecting from foolishness. If your daughter wants to explore the back roads of Shropshire, casually show her the kidnap figures of young girls on lonely roads in England. Then “surprise” her with a young people’s tour of Tiberius run by the IDF. See? “Winning” can save a life!5-Covey-ish: Use empathetic listening to genuinely understand a person which compels them to take an open mind to being influenced by youJewish-ish: Use empathetic talking, with visuals and back up resources (that can’t be found on Google) if necessary until they’re influenced. First, what do they know? Second, repetition and teaching others to “give in already” is a mitzvah. For example: “Darling, I know you love to mime and by all means if nothing else, I hear you, even if no one else can. But, instead of climbing to nowhere in our upscale mall, better you should climb to nowhere in your room! In your room. Now repeat sweetheart: ‘I will climb in my room.’” Done.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.6 Covey-ish: –Combine the strengths of people through positive teamwork so as to achieve goals that no one could have done alone.Jewish-ish: Remember #3. We are 6.5 million leaders. Through positive teamwork, the strongest leader will emerge, who will then, with menschkeit, make the other machers feel it’s “teamwork.” For example, you’re on the Board of your Sisterhood planning a fund-raiser.Bring a sheaf of notes and in the basic tone say: “Darlings, I did a little prep. Now, Reva, your kosher mini franks are a hit, so you, mamala, should be VIP of catering. Sophie, our P.R. genius could get Freddie Roman to perform, and Lynda with a “y” is married to Sol, the manager of the Ramada Inn, so we should be able to get a free room for Freddie. Meanwhile, Rhonda darling, your calligraphy is the best. What do you say about being the VP of flyers?” Now that’s teamwork.7 Covey-ish: –Through our conscience, along with meaningful and consistent progress, the spiral will result in growth, change, and constant improvement.Jewish-ish: Through your conscience and consistent practice, you will continue to renew and more, add to your resources, to maintain a sustainable, long-term, effective Jewish lifestyle with great nakhes and service to society. And remember the words of the great Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk:“If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you. But if I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you.”
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/10-Ways-You-Can-Tell-If-Non-Jews-Have-Been-Hanging-Out-with-Jews.html10 Ways You Can Tell If Non-Jews Have Been Hanging Out with JewsNov 1, 2015by Marnie Winston-Macauley“Bitsy dahling! Whatever did you mean when you called Alistair a shmendrick while yachting?!”Yet another remarkable thing about being Jewish, is … we’re “catching.” Yes. Put us in a group of say 501 people. Five hundred are Gentiles, then there’s Us. Trust me. Three hundred Baptists and 200 Anglicans will start saying “Oy Vey” when the lights in their church have a short.They’ve been “jewelled.”Our humor, our words, our body language is simply irresistible.How do I know this? It happened to me. In college. During my sophomore year my entire dorm floor consisted of young girls from places like Tuscaloosa, Pukwana, and Hyannis. I stood as the lone Jewessfrom Queens amid accents that ranged from Gomer Pyle to female versions of William F. Buckley, who spoke “lockjaw” with their best friends – Muffy, Buffy and Bitsy.Put one Yiddishe cookie in a barrel, and boom! The entire barrel will turn into a ginormous babka.I can only imagine their parents during spring break:“Bitsy dahling! Whatever did you mean when you called Alistair a shmendrick while yachting?!”
Or …“Dang it, Peggy Sue! What in tarnashin’s a ba-gel with a smear and locks?”Yup. Their children have been “jewelled.” Or, in simple terms they’ve been seduced by the majesty and handiness of “Jewishkeit.” Our humor, our words, our body language is simply –irresistible.So, for my darling readers, you may want to discuss this phenomenon with your Gentile pals… and maybe even suggest it become a class you can add to the Sociology curriculum at Princeton.YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN “JEWELLED” WHEN …1. You suggest to your pastor that it might be nice to have a little “nosh” after the sermon and offer to organize several committees: one to debate the matter, one to discuss fund-raising, and decide if taking from the collection plate is “kosher,” and of course you’ll be in charge of a planning group to a) argue menu ideas; b) research in depth, where to get the best “nosh” for the best price and will deliver on a Sunday.–2.You’ve become highly sensitive to temperature. Anything below or above 72 degrees Fahrenheit and, you’ll either freeze or shvitz. You’re addicted to The Weather Channel, and start reporting twice a day to family members, who say, are lumberjacks named Sven in Mazeppa, Minnesota: “It’s going down to 65 degrees, take with you your Nordic jacket. Also take your mucklucks. I heard there’s an ice storm in Manitoba.”3. You start spitting “randomly” at even the mention of the possibility that something horrible may or may not happen. For example, your mother tells you “father” is taking his private plane to a meeting in Silicon Valley. While mother is wiping your spittle off her blazer in horror, instead of saying: “How fun,” your usual, you also add the number of small plane crashes since 2013. Alternative: For those without sufficient saliva, you’ve chosen “pooh pooh.” These new traits may actually increase the degree to which you’ve been Jewelled, as Granny Murphy may whisper you need a psychiatrist. She’s heard of – a Dr. Greenbaum or is it Greenstein one of those.–4.You’ve developed an unnatural fondness for pickles. Should you be out of them, you have a panic attack and do your imaging and relaxation exercises that Dr. Greenawitz taught you.5.You’ve joined J-date “just to look” with your friend Rachel Weinstein, signing yourself in as “Unaffiliated” which you rationalize is partially true as you were christened an Anglican, the family attended the Presbyterian Church, then for a while you became a Buddhist until great- auntie Olga took you to her Latvian prayer group.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.6.At your cousin’s first communion, you’re the only one standing up and shouting “Mazel Tov!!”7. You buy your first curling iron, “Rockin’ Curls,” “Frizzerhands, and red hair coloring, thinking, “Gawd, I hate straight … how clichéd.” You return home looking like Little Orphan Anniewitz which goes extremely well with your Irish freckles, but less well with your mother who’s been cultivating “the Kennedy look” since 1980.8.If you don’t get an answer to your texts within five minutes, you immediately freak thinking:“My bf found someone prettier in Starbucks since we texted 23 minutes ago.” “All my friends are having a party, but didn’t invite me … of course.”“A terrorist has attacked my service provider.”At which point you text everyone you know with: “R U ALIVE?”9. You tell your family back in Dixieville you have a hankerin for kishke ‘cause it’s so gosh dang granny-slappin’ good you can plotz.10. You call a meeting of the family to “air grievances,” kvetching about the emotional abandonment you felt by not being called “mamala” every 15 minutes. More, how can they all pretend to adore each other when everyone “knows” Uncle Hayden stole the family fortune, Granny Lizzy really didn’t retire to South Beach – she’s rocking back and forth in the attic, and mummy got them in the DAR by using their ancestor Colonel Beauregard Buford whose only claim to fame was his loyalty to Benedict Arnold. Your goal is to make sure that as many people as possible come out of their emotional closet and vent three generations of silent frustration, after which you serve some rugelach and coffee.Should you be a Gentile who exhibits any of these traits … mazel tov, friends. You can duly and truly consider yourself to have been Jewelled.
https://www.aish.com/j/f/A_Brief_History_of_Challah.htmlA Brief History of ChallahJul 7, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyOn my favorite cooking show “Chopped,” I was horrified to see them repurposing our precious Shabbat delicacy challah.–Okay, I confess. I’m a “reality TV” junkie, but hooked on those shows that actually require skill. Which is why I’m addicted to the food channel.You see, I can’t cook. Whenever I tried making matzah balls, I had emergency services on speed dial. “I’m experimenting!” would send my family careening through the screen door like the Roadrunner. When our son was young, I baked one big cookie with his name on top. Did I know it would run together during the baking and emerge looking like a miniature European dictator?My favorite show is “Chopped” where four “common” geniuses vie in three rounds (apps, main, and dessert), from mystery baskets that contain weird stuff I mostly never heard of (buffalo ears, Poussin, watermelon radish, earthy sunchokes and bubble gum) in less time –than it takes me to floss my teeth. More, they must mix, “transform” and “repurpose” this panoply of impossibles.What could they do to transform challah?! And why would they?more, why would they?However, a few weeks ago, one of the “secret” ingredients in the basket to be “re purposed” was -challah.What could they do to “transform” challah?! AndI immediately summoned 3,500 years of Jewish history and I was determined to be defensive.Our challah is not to be fooled with. We Jews are masters at imbuing ordinary acts with symbolism. For thousands of years challah has been our Shabbat and holiday bread, and as for meanings, challah alone needs a thesaurus.The first appearance of the word “challah” appears in the Bible (Numbers 15:18-21) as follows:
...When you enter the land where I bring you, it shall be that when you eat of the bread of the land, you shall set aside a portion for God. Of the first of your dough you shall set aside a loaf as an offering; as the offering of the threshing-floor, so you shall set it aside. From the first of your dough you shall give to God an offering throughout your generations.The word “cake” is a translation of the Hebrew word “challah.” The offering or portion of challah that was given to the priests (kohanim) was called the mitzvah of “hafrashat challah” –separating the challah.(In the days of the Temple in Jerusalem, Jews were told to separate 1/24 of the doughs and th give it to the kohanim every Shabbat. I’m the daughter of kohanim, but I’ve yet to receive a morsel.)On Shabbat, the two challahs placed on our festive tables represent the double-portion of manna that fell on Friday, the heavenly bread that fed Jewish people during their 40 years in the desert.The strands, arms intertwined, symbolize love, truth, peace, creation, freedom, harmony, family connection, unity and justice following the simultaneous commandments to –remember, observe and guard Shabbat (“Shamor” and “Zachor”).Twelve humps recall the miracle of the 12 loaves for the 12 tribes of Israel. Round loaves on Rosh Hashanah symbolize continuity.Ladder shapes, before the Yom Kippur fast, represents ascending to great heights. On Purim, small triangular loaves represent Haman’s ears.On Shavuot, two oblongs side by side resemble the Tablets of the Law. Next to matzah (and chicken), challah is what makes our world go round. Challah HistoryThe word challah ( allah plural: challot/ alloth/khallos) (Hebrew: ḥḥהלח) is also called khale(eastern Yiddish, German and western Yiddish), berches (Swabian), barkis (Gothenburg), bergis (Stockholm), birkata in Judeo-Amharic, chałka (Polish), colaci (Romanian),and kitke (South Africa). Yet the origin Etymology of the word “challah” is as mysterious to me as me trying to bake one from scratch.–The term challah comes from the Biblical commandment of “hafrashat challah,” separating the challah for the cohen or priest. The word cChallah itself may come from the root word “Chalal” which means space. The term comes from the Biblical commandment of “hafrashat
challah,” or burning a bit to commemorate the destruction of the Temple. Challah may come from “Gal” referring to a circle in Hebrew.Others suggest “challah” may be derived from the amalgamation of: Hilu or hala, the Arabic root for “sweet.” Nah.The name “challah” was given applied to the bread in South Germany in the Middle Ages when it was adopted by Jews for Shabbat and holidays. John Cooper (Eat and Be Satisfied) notes that the first mention was in the 15 century. The term was coined in Austria. Before, th the bread was called “berches,” a name still used by Jews in some places today.Every Friday evening, it's challah that heralds the Sabbath. Likewise on Jewish holidays.The prayers and customs that accompany the mitzvah of making challah for the Sabbath are the same the world over, linking the present to the Book of Leviticus, when God instructed Moses to place two rows of six challot. For more than 4,000 years since, Jews have been delighting in challah for Shabbat.On Friday night and holidays, this special, oh so delicious bread is also a reminder of the purity of the day of rest, as well as a remembrance of the deprivation of Eastern European Jews who lived on black bread during the week.Special enough?Wait! There’s more …Tearing vs. Slicing: On “Chopped” I saw them slicing the challah instead of tearing! (I ran for the Slivovitz.) Oy vey. Abraham is rolling.Schlissel challah: Whether a key of dough is baked inside or adorns the top, some still engage in this controversial practice. The key is a form of prayer to open up the gates of livelihood.Other interpretations see the key as understanding the basic necessities in life as stored for us in shamayim (heaven) behind locked gates. All we have to do is ask God to unlock the gates and fill our homes with blessings. Just as He unlocked the gates of sustenance to provide for us in those days in Israel, may He provide us with our needs now.Salvation: A recent custom, 40 women devote their prayers while separating challah to those in need of salvation (illness, a worthy mate, the birth of a child). Separating challah is a segulah (good omen) for an easy, safe birth and some separate challah at least once in the ninth month of pregnancy.Special enough yet?!
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.So, with this history in mind I watched what they did to OUR challah on “Chopped.” Oy, what they made! I don’t want to see (or understand) challah béchameled, cassoletted, chiffonaded, moled, rouladed, confited, aiolied, rouxed, coulisdied, ceviched, sabayoned into a pate, or encrouted in something. I don’t want to see white chocolate (which should be an extra Jewish sin) using our challah! (Never mind the recipes for Challah and Apple Stuffed Pork Loin? Mit bacon or ham? QUICK! THE SLIVOVITZ!)While “transforming” may be a sign of genius in today’s world, let them play with goat’s feet, dragonfruit, and yes, even Halvah with fried pickles. But there are just some things you don’t futz with.No ratings, and yes, even “geniuses” should be required to “repurpose” that which has had a purpose to We Jews for millennia.Just as we don’t need to “transform” Judaism, even for ratings, our challah stands alone (except for maybe some raisins, and French toast) and like Judaism, should be dosed –straight, with love, and respect for this ever-lasting mitzvah!
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/A_Celebration_of_Seltzer.htmlA Celebration of SeltzerMar 10, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWho remembers the days when we drank seltzer? It’s time to return to the good old days!Old Mr. Goldstein fell on a Brooklyn street in August, 1955. A doctor ran over, checked his pulse and said: “It’s the heat! Get water!” Goldstein weakly looked up and murmured, “Could you make that seltzer?”Okay, true. The issue of old-fashioned seltzer with the shpritz bottles may not rise to the level of peace in the Middle East. But, for those of us who are older than the stuff in my fridge, seltzer the real stuff -- was part of our Jewish heritage, now lost in the plethora of –“designer” bottled water that, according to my research, may be the root cause of everything from depression to E.coli.Nothing else could deliver that kind of raw Jewish mojo.If you’re thinking “modern” seltzer in those plastic thingies, or worse, club soda or mineral water (with their salt and minerals to tone it down) mein kinder, it doesn’t compare! Only a meshugener wouldcompare champagne to “swamp” water (even if it’s French at five bucks an ounce).In the 1950s, every week, Tim, “The Seltzer Man,” would deliver the ubiquitous elixir in slatted wooden cases containing heavy clear or colored glass siphoned bottles that occupied a special place in our basement.Seltzer! The real stuff was a unique sensory experience from the pouring to the kishkes. Maybe it was the shpritzing, but those CO2 sorcerous-sounding fizzies attacked your tongue like shards of bubbling ice, moved up to clear out your sinuses, then down to clean out your colon. Believe me. No plastic container could deliver that kind of raw Jewish mojo.Back then, New York Jews could go local and order “Two Cents Plain.” For an extra penny they could get the Prince of Drinks – an egg cream! This legendary “Yiddishe” confection, created on the Lower East Side in the 1890s, consisted of real seltzer, milk, and Fox’s chocolate syrup
(no egg!) and was served up at every Jewish candy or drug store. The “fency” restaurants shpritzed from etched bottles (which, if you were smart and saved them you could now make a killing on the Antique Roadshow).Bubbe adored seltzer! OK, true. Sometimes you got a dud. You’d squeeze the metal “handl” as she called it, and bupkes. One in five pooped after a single hopeful stream. I spent many an hour hearing her kvetch: “Another shpritz! Oy, es gait nit. Doesn’t voik, and AND YES, I’M SKVEEZING DE SHPRITZER HENDL!”Poor Bubbe. The Empress of Leftovers would save half-filled glasses of seltzer. She mastered running from the Czar, but why carbon dioxide went pffft leaving us with five “hef glasses” of water in the fridge, remained a mystery. Until her dying day she “vondered vere” the bubblies went.But more … “Fizzical” therapy?In our home, seltzer was known to be the potable chicken soup, capable of preventing, soothing, and curing anything that could/should/might ail you. In my house if chicken soup didn’t do the trick Bubbe yelled, “Give ’em some fizzies! Hey, it vouldn’t hoit!”Actually, the name “Seltzer” (called “seltser”) came from the German town of Niederselters. In 1772, scientist Joseph Priestly who “sniffed” out oxygen, wrote it could prevent scurvy. So, the next year Jacob Schweppes (yes, that Schweppes) of London, produced and sold this medical marvel. “Seltser” not only rid one of “feverish ailments and biliousness,” but could cure nervous affections brought on by “much speaking– or dancing.” Dr. Philip Syng Physick introduced the artificial carbonated water to America in 1807 for relief of gastric disorders (Do you remember when your bubbe called a laxative a “physic?” OK mine did). Well, Philadelphia pharmacist Townsend Speakman supplied his patients with a glass daily, and at$1.50 per month, no Philadelphian would belch. Even The New York Times, in an 1835 ad touted the elixir for “travelers as the only sure preventative against the influence of a hostile climate.”As for the egg cream? Mel Brooks described its curative powers in a 1975 interview. When one of his childhood friends was hurt playing ball, he would scream, “Bring an egg cream!” An egg cream, Brooks described, “can do anything … Psychologically, it is the opposite of circumcision. It pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.”So yes, it was We Jews who “Jewish ized “Seltser” in the U.S. in the late 1800s, giving- it the Yiddish name “seltzer” or “two cents plain” which became the title of Harry Golden’s 1958 book on growing up poor in the early 1900s. The entire Lower East Side was “addicted to
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.seltzer,” wrote Golden. At least 73 soda fountains could be found in a one-third square mile area by 1900.And we believed those sharp bubblies alone saved us from everything from shmaltz-induced acid reflux to Zayde’s prune juice stain on the carpet. After all, the Madison Avenue folks decided to call it Alka-Seltzer for a reason…Even more …Imagine the beloved Bozo, Clarabelle, and every other clown flinging Aquafina at people? See? Not funny. The whole circus industry would be eckveldt (fall off the Earth)!And of course, if the clown were Jewish, it made a handy-dandy fire extinguisher, should, heaven forbid, his cholent go up in flames!Perhaps it was said best in this excerpt from a classic episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show, “Chuckles the Clown Bites the Dust” (October 25, 1975.). Poor Chuckles, Grand Marshall of a parade, dressed as “Peter Peanut,” was fatally wounded when “shelled” by a rogue elephant. At the funeral, he was eulogized with the following words:\"Chuckles the Clown brought pleasure to millions. And what did Chuckles ask in return? Not much. In his own words, 'A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.'\"So what happened to this miracle siphoned drink in the re-usable heavy glass that held up to 44 ounces and could withstand pressures of 200 pounds per square inch (necessary to avoid nasty explosions)? WW II shut down the (mostly) Czech and U.S. bottle business. But of course, flavored sodas for fountains and homes “flattened” the seltzer biz.I say Jewish boomers unite! Forget the “fency” waters, the mineral springs, and the French fizzies. Say “no” to those drinks that are filled with “who-knows-what.” It’s time to get back to our roots with some of that old time religion -- seltzer!
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/A-Nice-Jewish-Boy.htmlA Nice Jewish BoyJun 28, 2014by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFive stereotypes of Nice Jewish Boys. Is there any truth to them?Who among us hasn’t heard, “Sweetheart, one day, after you find a nice profession for yourself, then you’ll marry a nice Jewish boy.”Of course stereotypes abound, but what really makes a “nice Jewish boy”?Let’s look at the stereotypes and with no actual facts or figures at my disposal, we’ll decide, “TRUE,” “MOSTLY TRUE,” “COULD BE TRUE, “NOT TRUE – PROBABLY.”T R A IT SO F“A NICE E JW IS HB Y O ”1. Statement: “A nice Jewish Boy” makes an excellent provider.Rating: “COULD BE TRUE.”Explanation: While not every “nice Jewish boy” is a Mark Zuckerberg, face it. Gelt, the having it, the making it, the saving it, isn’t a Jewish cultural value per se. After all, did we shlep through the desert in golden sandals? Were shtetls known for their opulent bathtubs? Did most of our grandparents enter Ellis Island on the Carnival Cruise line (or whatever they had in those days)? No. They came with chickens on their heads. So, while money is no substitute for menshkeit, we learned it wouldn’t hurt to have a few kopeks socked away – should more groups hate us.2. Statement: “A nice Jewish Boy” is smart, educated.Rating: “MOSTLY TRUE.”
Explanation: When we talk Jewish survival, we talk wisdom. When 90 per cent of the world was ignorant our boychicks spoke and wrote at least three languages. Education, religious and now secular is why we donate $25,000 to Saint Moses Nursery (now all Jewish) and wear, “I’m a Harvard mom, 2035.” To us, our children our gifted—no matter what the Waspy tester with the glasses thinks.3. Statement: “A nice Jewish Boy” is sensitive to a woman’s feelings and makes a great husband.Rating: “COULD BE TRUE – BUT WATCH IT.”Explanation: From the time the little boychick was three, he was surrounded by women who “taught” him to be sensitive to their needs “out of love.” They learned early, if Mama’s not happy, or at least calm, nobody is. Expressions such as: “Oy, Irving bring me my allergy syrup, migraine pills, and my special pillow from that infomercial and hurry before I chalosh! Now, for my Birthday. Don’t go to any trouble. I already did. For you, I made a list. You’ll find the red purse I want in the side window of Bloomingdales. See salesperson, Myra, number 437.She’s expecting you. But wrap it, because you know how I love surprises.” Statement: “A nice Jewish Boy” is overly-involved with his mama.Rating: “COULD BE TRUE – BUT WATCH IT.”Explanation: OK, yes. Maybe there has been a little too much hovering. However, by five, he’slearned the “uh huh” technique from Daddy. A simple “yes, darling, I did it/will do it/should -do it” has been his response. He then added a sigh and took an AV (avoidance nap). As his wife, I suggest you extoll his independence and pretend he has a choice. For example: “I know you’re busy, honey, and you have a golf game … but if you can pick up the dry cleaning it would save me from maybe getting an asthma attack. But … if you can’t, I’ll risk it. Have I told you lately how lucky I am that you’re such a help?” THIS he’s never heard. You’ll not only get your dry cleaning with the tag “couldn’t remove hummus stain,” he’ll suggest you buy that new blouse to replace it.4. Statement: “A nice Jewish Boy” is not athletic and can’t fix anything.Rating: “NOT TRUE-PROBABLY”Explanation: We’ve all heard that stereotypical joke about the thinnest book: Jewish Athletes. I’ll add handyman. Not true! Just look at Marc Cuban! You could get a brilliant athlete who owns teams and isn’t racist. Trust me, he can fix a toilet – or HIRE someone. One Tip. He’s not in New York, or its boroughs. My own father fixed and OK, while he sometimes blew up things like my car, he was our go-to man. But, of course he was a Canadian where they still churn their own butter. So if it’s an athlete or fixer, don’t go to a mixer in New York.5. Statement: “A nice Jewish boy” understands the importance of family.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.Rating: “TRUE, BUT WATCH IT”Explanation: From infancy he’s been surrounded by f-a-m-i-l-y, and even though his Uncle Moishe sends his sputum monthly to the Center for Disease and Control in Atlanta, this seems ”normal” to him –until he’s entered Harvard Med. He views family as quirky, and even for your Aunt who uses cutout Handiwipes on her eyes tied with a string to control her arthritis, he can find articles in the Uzbeskistan medical monthly to support her handiwipes. No matter who (or what), he’ll do all he can to keep your family from imploding.So I agree. If we were to fix a rating, “A nice Jewish boy” is the epitome of good mazel. By all means go for it, mamalas!
https://www.aish.com/j/f/A-Salute-to-Chicken-Soup.htmlA Salute to Chicken SoupJan 26, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyOur relationship with chicken soup runs deep.During a performance at a Yiddish Theater the leading man keels over. A doctor rushes to the stricken actor, when, from the balcony, they hear a bubbe’s voice:“Give’em some chicken soup. Give him some chicken soup!” The doctor looks up. “Madam, it wouldn’t help.”“It vouldn’t hoit.”And so goes maybe the oldest Jewish joke in history.We Jews have an intimate relationship with the chicken. It goes deep. We possess a “C nome” -for the little clucker and of course it’s magical elixir … chicken soup! Ask anyone. Mention those two words and people from fifth world nations will say: “Yuwish?!”We feel chicken soup in ourkishkes.How could this be? Simple. While chicken soup to most other groups is, well, soup, we feel it in our kishkes. Picture it: As children, on Friday morning we awoke to the wafting, aroma of this Ashkenazicmarvel pervading the house, then plunged our little faces over the steaming broth, khalishingtill sundown for a spoonful.In our home, my Bubbe was the super-souper. I’d sit and watch, fascinated, mostly because, as in the old country, whatever veggies, meat, bones, herbs, she had around she “put” in a “pot.” And somehow, it was delicious -- even if it never came out the same way twice. “How does she do it?” my mother wondered till the day she died, never quite getting quite the right layer of oily film on top. But, alas, Bubbe never shared her recipe. Mostly because … she didn’t use one. Bubbe “felt” her food.From this Jewish comfort food, memories were made and traditions carried forward for generations.
So, while soup has been around for centuries, We Jews claimed chicken soup! After all,the shtetls of Eastern Europe weren’t teeming with smoked salmon, rib eye … or Oreos. And as Shabbat, among other holidays, should involve a hot meat, the chicken, like the egg, was versatile. The first Ashkenazic chicken soup was made in the poor Jewishvillages of Russia where the thrifty balaboosta could use every part and stretch one chicken to many delightful dishes: chopped liver, helzel, gribbenes, pupik, p’tcha, and of course shmaltz! The prize in the soup was Ai Ai Ai! an unlaid chicken egg! According to the late comedian ––Sam Levinson, this treat was usually given to one of the girls – for “fertility.” More, in the shtetls, not only were chickens cheap to raise, but transportable should our people have to pack up and run at a moment’s notice, which has been known to happen now and then.Jewish PenicillinSoup was considered a “curative” down through the ages, but it was Maimonides (12th century) in his book “On The Cause of Symptoms” passing down this wisdom from his own teacher, Abu Merwan ibn Zohar, who claimed it had the power to “neutralize body constitution.” (In addition to curing a stuffy nose, leprosy was also mentioned.) Naturally, diligent balaboostas prescribed the goldene yoich for any upset from a cold to yes, heartbreak! And so, with it’s combo of bones, carrots, herbs, spices, the potent potable potion became known as “Jewish penicillin.”Let me ask you this: would you dare question generations of Jewish Mamas? I know you wouldn’t. But scientists did.Over 1000 scientists in respected institutions such as Mt. Sinai Hospital (Miami), the University of Los Angeles, the University of Nebraska, not to mention various European institutions have finally concluded that chicken soup works for upper respiratory ailments. Scientifically, it stimulates neutrophil activity which helps loosen mucus, clears congestion and opens sinuses. So forget the 80 dollar herbal shmerbals. (They had them in Vilna?) The carrots in the soup alone contain ganza amounts of Vitamin A, the high protein content builds muscles, and the bones may increase calcium content --as if We Jews didn’t already know.And our pride grows! Celebrity chef Jeff Nathan, owner of Abigael’s, the New York gourmet kosher restaurant, has hosted highly prized chicken soup contests, sponsored by the National Jewish Outreach Program. The first, in 2004, was won by the “Kveen” of Chicken Soup, Rosaley Himmelstein, who reluctantly gave up her crown in 2009, when 31-year-old Michael Cohen, a music writer, won with an Israeli-inspired self-creation. Yes! A creative male with CSC (Chicken Sup Chops)! Naturally, one of the women in the audience yelled: “Is he single?” (He is – or was.) Chef Jeff, cookbook author, and host of the PBS series “New Jewish Cuisine” also proved
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.his soup nuts and yichus by beating the Irish Chef Bobby Flay on January 21, 2011 when Flay challenged him to a chicken matzo ball “Throwdown.” (The repeat will be shown on Feb. 21 at 9:30 a.m. Eastern and Pacific time.)Fascinating Fowl Facts: Soup to Nuts?*In the Americas chicken soup, brought over by Europeans, existed from the 16 century. In th the U.S. recipes for the golden elixir were first published since 1824. But the term “chicken soup\" was uncommon until the late 19 century.th *The Place? The MGM private dining room. The food? Chicken soup. Not just any chicken soup. Mayer’s Mama’s! Louis B. Mayer insisted chicken-matzo ball soup, a duplication of his mom’s, was served daily. If the soup didn’t include a fresh-killed chicken, waddles rolled.*Chicken soup has become synonymous with Jewish hearths and comfort for people of all backgrounds. For example, there’s the series “Chicken Soup for the Soul,” and Maurice Sendak’s “Chicken Soup with Rice.” “Chicken Soup” was also the title of a short-lived 1989 ABC sitcom starring Jackie Mason. “Chicken Noodle Soup” featuring Young B. was made into a popular hip-hop song by DJ Webstar. \"Chicken Soup with Barley,\" was a 1956 play by British playwright Arnold Wesker, the first in a trilogy of plays exploring the challenges facing a family of Communist, Jewish immigrants to the UK in the 1930s.For We Jews, this soup isn’t a mere broth, but much more. It’s a metaphor for not only the Jewish-American experience but for passing down our Jewish heritage.So the next time, some nudnik calls your David or Molly a “chicken!” Tell them to simply say: “Thanks for the honor!”
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/A-Writers-Life.htmlA Writer’s LifeAug 3, 2013by Marnie Winston-MacauleyWhat’s it like to be a writer of Jewish humor? Marnie Macauley tells all.Picture it. I’m at a large party in New York at Sid’s, an acquaintance, and a stranger approaches. After the “how amazing it is we both know Sid,” and another 3,000 words on this “awesome coincidence” we come around to “so, what do you do?”“I’m a writer,” I say.“Oh? Have you written anything I might know?” he asks.“Different things …” then reel off a few, including Jewish humor, and a TV soap. “Frankly, there’s no such thing as ‘Jewish’ humor,” he retorts.“Frankly, there’s no such thing as ‘Jewish’ humor.”Whether he’s a terrorist or a professor of PC, I’m thinking “Please God … let there be a flood right now in Sid’s living room.” I say, however: “Well, that’s a matter of opinion. I must try those minimeatballs, enjoy!” and take off like the Roadrunner.Picture it. Similar scene with new machatanim and their friends.“So, what show did you write?” ask some friends of a new in law’s brother. -“A daytime drama; As the World Turns.”HIS FRIEND ONE: “You know, my daughter just wrote a Freshman paper … a retrospective on ‘Behind The Three Stooges’ at N.Y.U. She’d be great at that!”HIS FRIEND TWO: “Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! My grandmother LOVED that show! Can I have your autograph?!”HIS FRIEND THREE: “I know all about it. I did insurance for a soap once.”
And here, the food was chaloshes. Food or “them?” I vote for the slightly off chopped liver, which hopefully will cause such an internal uproar, I’ll get food poisoning and can run (literally) out of there.Picture it. I’m speaking with a former IRS agent at a networking event.“So, you write humor,” he says, deadpan. “People think I’m so hysterical I should write,” he adds,” expressionless. I’m dying to ask this man who sounds more like Karl Marx than Groucho to “say something funny” (which is a death knell to a humorist, comic and should never be said unless you’re both on death row). Instead I say, “I see you more as … a stand- up” (Hey I deserve a little fun).I then meet a “hip” mom of three who’s been keeping a journal of “Good Things”--and wants me to partner her on making it into a best-seller. “Good what things?” I ask this woman whose experience consists of rhyming shopping lists. “You know, just…good things. Where can I send you the journal? It’s 2,000 pages. “And,” she adds, as if she’s just offered me the head writer job on Mad Men, “I will split the royalties! But, hey, you and I need a contract. You could steal this idea!” I wanted to say, “Honey, you could put it on Facebook, and not only won’t anyone ‘steal’ it, they’ll Unfriend you.”For some reason, when you tell people you’re a writer one third need to assure you it’s no big deal. After all, virtually everybody can write –something – so anyone with a computer, an opinion, who’s ever told a joke, thinks he’s Seinfeld.One third think you’re a genius, a celebrity who’s gone where mortal fingers rarely go, and you become their go-to person when they want to impress their friends.The final third are the Hemingways-on-becoming, who believe we’d be thrilled to edit and partner on their tomes. Yesterday on a bank line, some guy told me he wrote a book on hypnosis. I asked if it had been published. No. I ventured forth. “So, you’re a trained hypnotist.” No. “I learned it from the school of life.” Then he walked off in a huff.The truth is, we writers are neither Superman nor “everyman.”Mostly, we’re hungry with a strong affinity for doggie bags. We’re also odd enough to observe the doughnut holes of life and have worked hard to hone the skill and passion to –share them with our readers.So to set the writers’ record straight …We Writers Often …
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.*See life’s quirks. I recently saw a sign in the supermarket at the express line that read: “ABOUT 10 ITEMS.” I thought that was a riot and could turn it into 6 paragraphs. Not one other person around me thought it was funny. (Believe me I pointed it out.)*Dress in Salvation Army chic. Who can write wearing a power suit? High heels? Clothes that aren’t two sizes too big? God forbid a belt should strangle the blood flow to our brain.“Am I dying … from anything?”*Have internalized “Costanza” (Seinfeld). I’m turning him into a condition. “Is this good? Am I good? Is it too long, too short? Will an editor like me, really likeme? (A nod to Sally Field). Am I blocked? Will I ever get unblocked? Maybe I’ll never find work again? Am I dying from that mosquito bite and miss my shot at the Emmys?” And finally, “Am I dying … from anything?”*Are workaholics. We work hard and long. Our homes are a sea of matchbook covers, napkins, and torn envelopes, filled with: “Ideas.” A Jewish writer creates an extra “sin” –cleaning up! My son thinks it is. “Thou shall never touch my parent’s shmutz with writing on it.”*Are mired in criticism and rejection, and only need three egg creams to emotionally survive to write another day. Unless you’re JK Rowling, every writer gets tossed, turned, traumatized, and worse, ignored. To survive, we’re more determined than a dog in a Hebrew National factory, staying pessimistically optimistic. Despite all, we cling to hope, as we’re in more denial than Lindsay Lohan. “My next project could make millions! (OK … maybe it will pay the rent).”*We’re in passion with the trying, the feel of the keyboard, the promise of a blank page. Yes, we’re different, but there’s nothing easy or exalted about writing. It’s not like loving a mate, or God forbid losing a loved one. It’s … just writing. As my late husband, a former Senior New York Times editor used to define it in his matter-of-fact way: “You’re a writer if somebody pays you.”The next time someone asks me what I do, I might go with “actuary.” Making buttons is nice too. Then again, I could just show them this article.
https://www.aish.com/j/f/Abraham_Lincoln_and_the_Jews.htmlAbraham Lincoln and the JewsFeb 11, 2012by Marnie Winston-MacauleyHo e n st A be o e lv d h t e e Jw i s hpeople.But c o u ldh h veae ee o e obn nfu s ?On February 12, 1809, a young, poor, woman from Virginia, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, gave birth to a son in a log cabin built along the banks of Nolin Creek (now Hodgenville, Kentucky.) Her son, Abraham, become one of America’s most admired Presidents.Lincoln was also beloved in his time (by the North), and was held in high regard by Jewish Americans for his moral and spiritual convictions. As he never identified with a specific faith there has been much speculation about his “Jewish roots,” especially given the mutual admiration between Lincoln and his Jewish friends and advisors, along with his pro-Jewish policies. Let’s look first at how the 16th President stood up for the Jews and was a true “mensch.”Let’s look at how the 16th President stood up for the Jews and was a true “mensch.”Lincoln’s Jewish Involvement*Lincoln was the first President to make it possible for rabbis to serve as military chaplains by signing the 1862 Act of Congress which changed the law that had barred all but Christian clergymen from therole. It all started on September 8, 1861, when a 30-year-old Philadelphia cantor, Michael Mitchell Allen, returned to his encampment with the 65th Regiment of the Fifth Pennsylvania Cavalry, known as Cameron’s Dragoons. The regiment of 1,200 men, mostly Jews, elected him their chaplain. Complaints flew up the military ladder. Lincoln, then signed the Act, and Jewish chaplains have been serving in the American Armed Forces ever since.*He was also the first, and happily, the only President who was called upon to revoke an official act of anti-Semitism by the U.S. government. He canceled General Ulysses S Grant's “Order No. 11” expelling all Jews from Tennessee from the district controlled by his armies during the Civil War. (Grant denied personal responsibility for this act attributing it to his subordinate.)
*Shortly after delivering the Emancipation Proclamation, Lincoln met Canadian Christian Zionist, Henry Wentworth Monk, who expressed hope that Jews who were being oppressed in Russia and Turkey be emancipated \"by restoring them to their national home in Palestine.\" Lincoln replied this was \"a noble dream and one shared by many Americans.\"Factoid: Edward Rosewater, a young Jewish member of the Telegraphers Corps of the Union Army, transmitted President Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address in 1863.President Lincoln was a frequent visitor to read the field dispatches. After the war, Rosewater founded the Omaha Daily Bee, and was elected and appointed to public offices.*Lincoln and Jewish lawyer Abraham Jonas (1801-1864) were intimate confidantes. In one correspondence between them Lincoln wrote: \"You are one of my most valued friends.\" The friendship began soon after Jonas settled in Quincy, Illinois in 1838. When Lincoln visited Quincy in 1854, he spent most of his time with Jonas, who came from Kentucky where he served in the State Legislature for four terms. From 1849 to 1851, he was postmaster and Lincoln re-appointed him in 1861. More, Jonas was one of the first to suggest Lincoln for the presidency when Horace Greeley, the editor of the New York Daily Tribune, went to Quincy in December 1858 to meet with leading Republicans to discuss the election of 1860.*Lincoln and Jewish doctor Isachar Zacharie, an English-born chiropodist, met in September 1862 professionally. The President gave him the following testimonial: \"Dr. Zacharie has operated on my feet with great success, and considerable addition to my comfort.\" Zacharie became both friend and emissary for Lincoln. The New York World wrote that the chiropodist \"enjoyed Mr. Lincoln's confidence perhaps more than any other private individual.\" Zacharie also actively solicited the Jewish vote for Lincoln.*Lincoln was exceptionally generous to prominent rabbi Dr. Morris J. Raphall of Congregation B'nai Jeshurun. The Rabbi had met Lincoln only once, but asked a favor of the president regarding his son. Raphall told his congregants, Lincoln had \"granted it lovingly, because he knew the speaker to be a Jew-because he knew him to be a true servant of the Lord.\" Lincoln did more for Raphall's son-in-law, Captain C. M. Levy. Levy had been distributing special food and clothing to Jewish soldiers in Washington's hospitals. When he was dismissed from service, Lincoln came to his rescue.Was “Honest Abe” Really Abe Lin-Cohen --an MOT?In his study of American Jewry and the Civil War (Philadelphia, 1951), Bertram W. Korn writes that in the eulogy Rabbi Isaac M. Wise delivered after Lincoln’s assassination, he said: \"The lamented Abraham Lincoln believed himself to be bone from our bone and flesh from our
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.flesh. He supposed himself to be a descendant of Hebrew parentage. He said so in my presence.\"Ever since, speculation has been rife. Google “Abraham Lincoln Jewish” and a plethora of articles appear.The “Case for Jewish Lincoln”:1. His close friendships with prominent Jews, along with his pro-Jewish policies.2. While Lincoln never professed belonging to a specific faith, he would often refer to his beliefs citing the 20 chapter of the Book of Exodus the Ten Commandments.th –3. His name was Abraham. His great-grandfather was named Mordechai.4. His ancestors came from the town of Lincoln in eastern England, established in 1159, it has an interesting Jewish history. During Crusader riots, the Sheriff of Lincoln and the Bishop of London saved the Jews by giving them official protection and taught love of Jews to parishioners. It’s been postulated that when the Jews were ordered out of England, Abraham Lincoln’s ancestors may have been Conversos.5. When Lincoln was assassinated, Jewish communities sat Shiva. Rabbis around the country eulogized the fallen President.6. Lincoln was described as having Sephardic features.The answer? At present the above “proof” is purely speculation and “evidence” by association. Lincoln's son Robert Todd Lincoln denied the admission of Hebrew ancestry and dismissed the exchange between Lincoln and the rabbi as a \"pleasantry.\"There isn’t a shred of credible evidence to substantiate Rabbi Wise's assertion that Lincoln identified as having a Jewish heritage, nor was Lincoln known to have shared similar comments to his close Jewish friends, something he surely would done as “Honest Abe” wrote them of many other intimate and political details.Yet, no doubt Abraham Lincoln could not have been more supportive, sympathetic, or friendlier to the Jews, if he had indeed been one of us.Ironically, the Lincoln head penny was designed by Russian-Jewish immigrant, Victor David Brenner in 1909 to celebrate Lincoln’s 100th birthday. Happy birthday, Mr. President.
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/48922767.htmlAdultalescenceMar 1, 2008by Marnie Winston-Macauleyh ere'sn o th in gw ron g t w ihb b iayn gyo r ub b ay .U n lessh e 's3 0 .\"Did you remember to buy me Pepsi, gummy bears, and chocolate chip cookies -- the soft kind?\" asked my son, as I schlepped in 30 plastic shopping bags, each holding two items: something made of steel on top of something made of squish.\"I got it, I got it,\" I answered wearily.\"Good. What about the Altoids ... and cigarettes?\" Did I mention he's 30?Like many bizarro boomers, when I gave birth, I vowed to be parent-perfect. My child would be allowed to \"express\" himself, \"be\" himself, \"find\" himself. As a Jewish parent, \"perfect\" was a starting point. I was determined to be a \"Joomer\" Boomer mama deluxe.–Which is why I'm asking him if he prefers U-Bet or Metamucil with his Oreos.Not too long ago, I read an article on a hot new life stage: \"adultalescence.\" It's characterized by Boomer parents serving up pity, a \"pad,\" and pablum to their adult offspring who have moved \"back in\" -- or never moved out.Oy, I wondered. Whatever happened to that sad little hyphenate we invented for our own parents? \"Empty-nesters?\" Remember them? The Jewish mama who felt outsourced when we found out that ketchup wasn't the only condiment and we wouldn't be struck by lightning if we dated a goyishe guy. As soon as we learned these marvels, we left. (Okay, we ran.) And we didn't look back much, unless positively forced to -- in therapy.With age, we narcissists started to wonder about our empty-nester parents. \"What would they live for?\" we worried. As usual, life had a way of putting things right. Somehow they managed to muddle through. With the miracle of anti-aging shakes, Viagra, and \"wellness clinics,\" they danced around early bird buffets, booked into elder-hostels, and downsized to motor, and manufactured homes in places like Miami Beach and Scottsdale.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.And the joke was on us. Not one was a two-bedroom.While mama and papa were learning to rap, line-dance, and traverse the Rockies in their RVs, we were working two careers, caring for our own 30-year-old \"kids,\" and couldn't send them to their bubbe and zayde whose \"guest room\" consists of a pull-out sofa.So we're stuck with our \"adultalescents\" -- the snazzy new psycho-babble for kids who don't leave home till they're eligible for Medicare.We're stuck with our \"adultalescents\" -- the snazzy new psycho-babble for kids who don't leave home till they're eligible for Medicare.In fact, in at least one country, Italy \"adultalescence\" is being recognized by the laws of the land.Not long ago, the Italian high court ruled a father had to pay child support for his 29-year-old son until \"he is able to find a job that satisfies his aspirations.\"Our adult slackers finally found it. A way to affirmtheir \"right\" to lay around like road kill until their talent is fully recognized or they inherit the house.–Our generation that had two simple goals: 1) avoid global destruction, 2) move out.Our aging kids' goals? Avoid global destruction -- and stay IN ... while \"musing upon a job that satisfies their aspirations.\"But more, the Court not only affirmed our aging offspring's right to claim our IRAs as their sole support, the Justices gave it a cause. Yes. Here I thought this was a problem we boomers and Joomers created, thanks to our \"constant clap clap\" parenting. Ah, but the Supreme Court of Italy has given us a reprieve. We have something else to blame. It's called Culpable Inertia or \"CI.\" Yes. Much like ADHD, slackerism is now a ... \"condition.\"So the very next time you find yourself asking your 37-year-old bohmer and bohmerkeh if they wants a bissel Manischewitz with their Lunchables, you needn't fret, defend, or slink in shame. No, hold your head high and yell for all to hear: \"Excuse me, but he suffers from ... CI... ‘culpable inertia.'\"I tell you, I'm going. Oh yes. I'm changing my name to Marnafia, putting an ad in the Naples Gazette, myself up for adoption, and finding me a nice Yiddishe Italian \"papa\" who'll pay my way until I'm able to find a job that \"satisfies all of my aspirations.\" Ballet's nice ...
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Advice-from-a-Meshuggah-Jewish-Mom-to-Her-Grown-Son.htmlAdvice from a Meshuggah Jewish Mom to Her Grown SonAug 16, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyIf I could go through labor and a C-section to have you, you can drive me to Walgreen’s and explain why my mouse doesn’t work.In addition to writing, I’m also a professional Columbia University-trained counselor. Many of the founding fathers of therapy came from the work of brilliant, if not a few slightly meshuggah Jewish minds: Freud, Adler, Horney, Beck/Ellis, and Yalom. As for the whys? Our culture reveres the Rabbi-student relationship. If you had tsouris, whether your cow’s milk was a bissel sour, or your husband started debating with his underwear, where did you go for wise, practical advice? The rebbe of course. Now, it could also be that some Jews had a few problems of their own, so what does a Jew do? What else? Asks questions and creates theories.How wrong can we be after over 3,000 years?So yes. There is a strong connection between Judaism and counseling. And at times a good counselor will add a little Yiddishkeit when it comes to family, especially the kinder. After all, how wrongcan we be after over 3,000 years? Here are some examples of my e-mail advice when I’m on “Jewish” time.Meshuggah Jewish Mom To Her Grown SonME: (TO MY SON): I recently saw an episode of the new “The Goldbergs.” I don’t think it’s productive to compare me to the crazy, pushy mother. So tell me, do you really think I’m like her? Think carefully before answering. How? I wanna know. Email me. Better, write me or visit
so we can talk about it. I’ll even serve cake. No. Better, I’ll drop by. What’s your apartment code? Never mind I’ll get it from your roommate. I’ll be over in ten minutes if I can find the highway.ME: (TO MY SON) “Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.” – Jewish expression. There’s definitely something wrong with this. Newsflash: Despite what you may think, I am not a pessimist!ME: (TO SON) If I could go through 36 hours of labor and a C-section that has scarred me for life to have you, you can drive me to Walgreen’s and explain why my mouse doesn’t work!ME: (TO SON) Do you understand the Obama health care plan? I can’t get you on Medicare. Believe me, I tried. So, did you apply? You only have 3 days left and what if your appendix bursts? OK, true, you don’t have an appendix, but you do have a liver. Of course I’d take care of you no matter what, but chances are, Obama has a bigger IRA.ME: (TO SON) What is a “selfie?” I don’t like that word. Selfie? Selfish?? I looked it up and saw a gross picture of a Kardashian. Check out these hashtags: #UGLYSELFIES and #THENEWNARCISSISM.ME: (TO MY SON) I see a new mole on you. Let me spit on it to see if it’s ink. Stop running! It’s spit not cyanide! Wait. I need a ruler … and daddy’s old magnifying glass. If it’s black, raised, uneven and larger than a pencil eraser, I’m calling Dr. Goldfarb!ME: (TO MY SON) I visited your allergist. He finally agreed with me. If you go to grad school in Arizona, you could develop allergies to Arizona. True, he also wrote: \"Mother Lunatic\" on your chart, but what does he know? Cousin Esther’s daughter goes to school there, and she wheezes so much people are doing the Bossa Nova around her.ME: (TO MY SON) Darling, ok. I took your advice and tried yoga to shed these five pounds. I fell asleep! When I woke up, it took three people to de-pretzelize me. I will admit, I lost two pounds trying to get that Spandex suit off. But in the future … stop recommending it to people who haven’t moved since the Reagan Administration.ME: (TO MY SON) Football? You need to play with pigskin? You could have an accident and not be able to perform surgery. Listen, better you should stick with a leather belt from Isaac Mizrahi. There’s a reason pigs aren’t Kosher.ME: (TO MY SON) I’m making out my will. It all goes to you. Do whatever you want, but ……… I’ve attached a list of who should get what. …. WAIT, it came back. Oy … I’ll keep trying, meanwhile, IMPORTANT! 1-I know you hate the flowered couch, but KEEP IT. It goes better
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.with your chairs. 2- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO GIVE ANYTHING TO AUNT IDAafter you-know-what-she-did. Finally, read: #THINGSIWISHITOLDMYMOMWHENSHEWASALIVE.ME: (TO MY SON) Not that I’m pushing, but all your cousins are already married. Listen … before I die, I’d like to have a little something on my lap besides a Scanadu.ME: (TO MY SON) I got a call from a Mercedes dealer asking questions about you. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE? YOU’RE THINKING OF LEASING A CAR THAT HITLER DROVE?! ARE YOUMESHUGGAH?? From this I’m getting palpitations. NOTE: Read my earlier email on my will.ME: (TO MY SON) I saw on Facebook you’re thinking of going to an authentic dude ranch in California. Since when are you, a Jewish boy from New York, a cowboy with the bucking broncos, stepping in manure, lassoing things? Trust me. Get involved only at the filet level.ME: (TO MY SON) I see that despite my advice, you went. I know you arrived because I checked with the airlines to make sure the plane didn’t crash, as I heard an earthquake warning somewhere. Now, send me the return flight number, time, day, gate … and I’ll pick you up at the airport! Of course knowing you, you got a cheap deal on a plane arriving at 3 am. And you’re thinking of leasing a Mercedes!?ME: (TO MY SON) I saw your photos on FB with all your friends. I noticed you had none of me, so I'm up/downloading my newest photo. You can just use my name so no one will know you're my little mamala. Don't forget to use my whole name in case someone needs a writer. Or advice. By the way I saw your entries. BRILLIANT! So how come you never talk to me about Iran?? Instead ... you recommend I take a multivitamin, L-lysine, L-arginine, biotin, and magnesium not to mention those brochures for Boomer apartments. All this because I lose my keys sometimes -- and once my car. Of course we could move in together, so you shouldn’t have to worry.Have any of your own good, healthy Yiddishe advice? By all means, share.
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Advice-from-a-Meshuggah-Mom-Part-2.htmlAdvice from a Meshuggah Mom, Part 2Mar 22, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyMy advice and witticisms on apparel and appearance.In part one, I explained that despite my years of professional social work practice, degrees, licenses, and the desire to use skill and creativity in dealing with those who need help … there’s another side to me.Of course my curls are natural! Would I do this to myself?! Yutz!Once again, I bring you the Meshuggah Jewish Mom. True, I’m a Columbia University-trained social worker where I learned from the best and the brightest. I found, however, especially in mypersonal life, a Yiddishe kup doesn’t hurt. Now that I think of it, back then, 90% of my professors were Jewish. A coincidence? I think not. True, they didn’t exactly speak Yiddish to us, but there was that great debate between two of my profs over the proper length for a “Columbia trained” social worker’s skirt. I tell you it was- a debate of Talmudic proportion. I don’t recall which prof “won” but I do remember the “loser” mumbling “yutz” and “shmegegge” under his breath.ADVICE & COMMENTS FROM MESHUGGAH MARNIE, THE JEWISH MOM ON APPAREL & APPEARANCE:ME: (TO COUSIN’S DAUGHTER) Darling, I know “asymmetrical” is in.” But sweetie … you need more asymmetrical after your parents paid a fortune so your face and back would be symmetrical? You’re gorgeous, now return that thing for a caftan.
ME: (TO A BFF) I watched “Project Runway.” You wouldn’t believe what won. “Orchard” and orange color blocks. What? Purple and orange is the new black? Feh! Also some designer wrote his inner feelings in zig zag with mixed stripes and prints. Not only did I almost go blind, but some inner feelings shouldn’t be let “outer” – like his. Another dress was absolute white. Trust me. The only people who look in white are Good Humor men.ME (TO A COLLEGE STUDENT I KNEW AT A PURIM PARTY) : What is this with the crop tops? Are they good for bringing in the crops? What? You were raised to be a farmer?ME (TO A FB FRIEND WHO E-MAILED ME PHOTOES: ) No. Since when is “Neon” a color. It’s a billboard. Burn the pants.ME (TO : A FORMER FRIEND’S TEENAGER) I don’t care if those 5 inch stilettos are Manolo Blahniks. I read an article on how at least one Jewish girl in Shaker Heights got her heel caught in a grate and was trapped for four hours: #SHOESLEADTODOWNFALL. The emergency services had to use the Jaws of Life, because she chaloshed from fear when she broke her ankle with the twisting and turning. This could be you. More … The JTA reported that Sarah Jessica Parker was told by her doctor and I quote: ‘Your foot does things it shouldn’t be able to do. That bone there… You’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there.” And that man’s a doctor! You want bones sprouting so all you can wear are orthopedic shoes? Very attractive in a 22-year old. If you don’t believe me, look up the following hashtag: #OLDLADYSHOES.ME: (TO MY LATE HUSBAND) Those shirts you kept from when you were in City College with the holes? I sent them to the Salvation Army. The Jewish home sent them back. And no, someday they won’t be worth a fortune. That Nehru jacket is missing a whole collar which made it a Nehru jacket!ME: (TO MY SON) What do you mean you don’t want Grandpa’s fur coat?! I was saving it for you. Pure rabbit. What? The rabbit is endangered? I looked it up. Only the Columbia Basin pygmy rabbit is endangered and when was grandpa in the Columbia Basin? So take it already! Oh, but don’t wear it. I wore it a month ago and got pelted with eggs by some meshuggenah.ME: (TO A FRIEND’S BUSY DAUGHTER) Listen darling … One word: “Spanx.” With all that running around you do, I also recommend surgical stockings. I wore them in the hospital.Wait, don’t buy, I saved. Use mine. I also have thigh highs. When? 1980, but they held their shape.
Copyright © 1995 - 2020 Aish.com, https://www.aish.com.Aish.com is a non-profit and needs your support. Please donate at: aish.com/donate,or mail a check to: Aish.com c/o The Jerusalem Aish HaTorah Fund PO Box 1259 Lakewood, NJ 08701.ME: (TO MY COUSIN’S DAUGHTER) Gorgeous dress! And you bought it in the upscale resale store I told you about. Mazel Tov. Did you ask you owned it before? Miley Cyrus?! Oy vey, from this you can get hepatitis and frankly, yellow isn’t your color.ME: (TO A FEMALE STRANGER) Of course my curls are natural! Would I do this to myself?! Yutz!
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Advice-from-a-Meshuggah-Mom.htmlAdvice from a Meshuggah MomMar 15, 2015by Marnie Winston-MacauleyFrom what I told my son about his new apartment to my cousin who wants to maximize an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.True, I spent six years in University, including two years at the Columbia School of Social Work to make the world a better place. I love this part of my career. I love helping people and work hard at it. Fortunately, I had brilliant professors who knocked themselves out teaching us theory, practice, ethics, while picking us apart to make sure our mishegoss didn’t leak on our clients’ mishegoss.Now that’s professionalism, which I practice every day.I’ma Jewish mother with 3,000 years of yiddishe DNA stitched onto my soul.Ah, but I’m also a Jewish mother with 3,000 years of yiddishe DNA stitched onto my soul, which is why in my personal life, I offer a slightly different brand of “advice” with a Jewish spin. Fluffly slippers may alsobe involved. This is also why my son’s pediatricianwrote “MOTHER LUNATIC” on the top of his chart when I asked if a hernia in an infant was ever cancerous.So, I have two “advices” – the pro, all Ivy proper, and the Jewish mama, sensible when not hysterical. Sometimes they work together. I have been known to throw in an “Oy” with clients from Tuscaloosa and sometimes even “yutz” and “chutzpah.” Some problems require the occasional use of Mama-loshen.
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